MourningLosses Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Ok this is an extension of NinjasHusband saying NC is rule #1 for a BS is no contact of any kind with the former lover. Can I ask for an explanation for why this is so and how can it be healthy? For anyone. It can't be healthy to just drop out of your life like that for either of the extramarital partners. It can't be healthy for a BS to demand you just change your feelings or are cruel to someone- how does that show you love them? And how is it healthy to police someone like that? Surely for a BS you either trust or you don't. I wouldn't trust and can completely understand not trusting. So if that's where you are- despite being "chosen" how does it help you to be police for te rest of your life? Wouldn't it be more mature to let the affair partner fade out gently - more believable so more trust, kinder to the former lovers too. And if you can't trust then isn't it better to move on than consume your life with surveillance? What purpose can no contact possibly serve except making a control freak out of the BS and that's pretty unattractive. Why would a cheating spouse suddenly hate their former lover? It makes no sense to me for anyone. I get that it gives you short term peace of mind. But it's not healthy to rely on that. Can someone explain those things logically from a bs perspective?
TaraMaiden Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 .... It can't be healthy to just drop out of your life like that for either of the extramarital partners. The BS doesn't care about the 'health' of the cheaters. All the BS wants is to lay down rules to suit them. They're the betrayed ones, so they're trying to exert some control on the situation, to make coping and recovery easier for them. It can't be healthy for a BS to demand you just change your feelings or are cruel to someone- how does that show you love them? And how is it healthy to police someone like that? The BS doesn't give two hoots how their spouse feels for the other person. They care about the feelings they have for their cheating spouse, and vice-versa. As far as they're concerned, the love their spouse has, should just be for the BS, not the lover. Surely for a BS you either trust or you don't. I wouldn't trust and can completely understand not trusting. So if that's where you are- despite being "chosen" how does it help you to be police for te rest of your life? Wouldn't it be more mature to let the affair partner fade out gently - more believable so more trust, kinder to the former lovers too. sure, that would be wonderfully convenient... just roll over, legs in the air, and fade into the background. unfortunately, when children are involved it becomes more complex. And if the trust has been smashed by the cheater, the BS wants positive action to rebuild that, and re-establish set boundaries. And if you can't trust then isn't it better to move on than consume your life with surveillance? If the cheating spouse hasn't moved out or requested a divorce, it means there's still something in the home keeping them there. so the BS hangs on to that, and uses it as a fulcrum to engineer a reconciliation. Whatever it takes, very often, the cheater will comply. Life is too uncertain otherwise. What purpose can no contact possibly serve except making a control freak out of the BS and that's pretty unattractive. Why would a cheating spouse suddenly hate their former lover? It makes no sense to me for anyone. NC means that the BS has a chance to get their heads round the whole affair, get to the bottom of it, and try to see what can be salvaged - without the influence or interference of the conflicting party. The BS has every right to ask this. They're married and committed to the cheater, and as such, have greater claim to their time. it's got something to do with vows, promises, marriage.... you know.... I get that it gives you short term peace of mind. But it's not healthy to rely on that. it may not appear healthy from the other lover's point of view, but they don't count. They're immaterial. They're an interloper, Interfering in something they never should have touched in the first place. In the pecking order it's - BS Cheating spouse children family neighbours colleagues friends lover. Can someone explain those things logically from a bs perspective? hopefully, this does.... 8
FryFish Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) The no contact rule is so that the affair ends... Contact means it's still going on... Being "kind" to the "former lovers"(really? thats what you want to call them? disgusting...) is not even REMOTELY a priority if the cheater wants to reconcile... Edited August 19, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
oracle Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) Life is one big grey area But to think that some sort of protocol goes in effect and a flow chart of what can and cannot happen is narrow minded and unrealistic. We are adults, and whatever the adults decide is right for them and will work in their lives goes. Edited August 19, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
todreaminblue Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Ok this is an extension of NinjasHusband saying NC is rule #1 for a BS is no contact of any kind with the former lover. Can I ask for an explanation for why this is so and how can it be healthy? For anyone. It can't be healthy to just drop out of your life like that for either of the extramarital partners. It can't be healthy for a BS to demand you just change your feelings or are cruel to someone- how does that show you love them? And how is it healthy to police someone like that? Surely for a BS you either trust or you don't. I wouldn't trust and can completely understand not trusting. So if that's where you are- despite being "chosen" how does it help you to be police for te rest of your life? Wouldn't it be more mature to let the affair partner fade out gently - more believable so more trust, kinder to the former lovers too. And if you can't trust then isn't it better to move on than consume your life with surveillance? What purpose can no contact possibly serve except making a control freak out of the BS and that's pretty unattractive. Why would a cheating spouse suddenly hate their former lover? It makes no sense to me for anyone. I get that it gives you short term peace of mind. But it's not healthy to rely on that. Can someone explain those things logically from a bs perspective? I have accepted my ex has moved on he has a new partner i have not seen him since 2007 i have never met his partner i have said one sentence to her in all the time we have had no contact other than that i still speak to my ex about the girls it wasnt that long ago i thought abotu battling to get him back I was doing that to put the family unit back together.....but as people change for what ever reason i did change when i figured out that he doesnt or will never love me like i should be loved. i do have to tell him though that I am over my desire for him physically it would be a lot easier if i could just cut contact completely i have three teenage girls who are going through things, two of them anyway, so as their father he has that right to hear from me what is going on but then again he abandoned us all and doesn't truly deserve it, but that is what forgiveness is about...i forgive him and now my life can move in another direction that i have always wanted that he held me back from and that is finding someone who loves me and being happy with who i am strong fit and healthy...as far as nc goes i think when you have feelings for someone it should be nc and in saying that i should be doing that with someone now i do have real feelings for, but just cant bring myself too, so it is a little(or more) painful but i am coping..i feel nothing as a betrayed spouse no desire no love but i do respect he is the girls father and i will keep it civil out of respect..deb
Ninja'sHusband Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) It really shouldn't be about the BS policing the WS...if it is, then things aren't going well anyway. The WS should go NC of their own accord out of consideration for the BS. The BS can't control the WS but they can sure as heck get out of a situation that will drive them insane (divorcing the WS). You are right, being in a situation where the BS has to police the WS is a no go, especially long term. Short term, the BS is naturally going to have to police and snoop..so they can be sure of the truth. There's no other choice when dealing with a proven liar... It's not just me saying no contact, every book I've read on infidelity recommends no contact. Harely even recommend moving to another state.m The fact is many affair just go underground after discovery...or the WS pines after the AP and then it starts up again from innocent contact. No BS should have to worry about that. APs check up on each other, flurries of text messages.. "How is your family doing, are you ok? I miss you but it's over." Innocent? Then the BS sees the records of the texts online and freaks out...they are still talking! They check the phone to see the messages...but they were deleted. No what is the BS supposed to think? Clearly the WS is being deceptive. The BS does not need this kind of abuse, even if the messages are innocent. It can't be healthy for a BS to demand you just change your feelings or are cruel to someone- Yeah that's a lot to ask, to ask them to drop their fairytale.. The alternative is to just divorce. It's really about boundaries. If my spouse is in love with someone else...let them go be with that person. Not me. If they love me, let them be with me. But you can't have both, you'll lose both that way, or should. A truly remorseful WS will want to be with their BS and make things right. They will care enough about their BS to make them feel secure. A truly remorseful WS will see the need to detach themself emotionally from the AP. Be cruel? no, just no contact, not offensive, just nothing. What's worse is to lead someone on when there can be no real relationship. It's more humane to end it cleanly. ML, believe me...putting all reason aside...I would have tolerated my WW still being in contact. I don't believe she was cheating anymore. I wanted so badly for my family to stay together. The fact is knowing she was around him at all, even if it was in my presence, drove me crazy. I couldn't be around him, I couldn't live with knowing she was around him...regardless of whether or not it was fair to her or not. It was just something I couldn't handle. I had to get out. Her not going NC left me with no other choice. The marriage had to end or I was going to lose everything, my job, my sanity, my home. I wish I could have stuck it out, I tried. Believe me. If the WS doesn't go NC...they are putting the BS in a horrible situation on top of the terrible injury they already inflicted. I have little sympathy for the WS's broken heart. They should have had proper boundaries in place to avoid that from happening in the first place. Edited August 19, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband 5
road Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Why do drug addicts have to go NC with the people the got high with? Chances are too high that they will start using again. Drunks/alcoholics, are told to stay away from the alcohol and the places that serve it. Again NC to remove the temptation. The source of the high has to be removed from their live's. An affair creates the same chemical high in the brain as with any other addiction. To detox from a bad relationship and not have the urge to cheat with their AP again the WS must go NC with the hoe/hoette (term gender based, WH/WW). 5
SidLyon Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 It's quite simple really. I entered into an "exclusive" monogamous marriage by mutual agreement. My fWH decided otherwise, and broke this agreement without telling me and I became a BW. Once d-day occurred I indicated my willingness to give him a second chance (but there would be no third chance) to enter into the same agreement I'd thought we always had. It was up to him whether he wanted this or not, but he knew and agreed that continued "contact" with his OW would mean we were not in an exclusive marriage. While the OW might have been willing to tolerate sharing him with me, I was not willing to stay married to him if he continued contact with her. He therefore agreed to NC and that's the way it's been. To be honest ML your questions about this are getting tedious because you don't apparently pay much attention to the genuine answers you get. 8
woinlove Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) Ok this is an extension of NinjasHusband saying NC is rule #1 for a BS is no contact of any kind with the former lover. Can I ask for an explanation for why this is so and how can it be healthy? For anyone. It can't be healthy to just drop out of your life like that for either of the extramarital partners. It can't be healthy for a BS to demand you just change your feelings or are cruel to someone- how does that show you love them? And how is it healthy to police someone like that? Surely for a BS you either trust or you don't. I wouldn't trust and can completely understand not trusting. So if that's where you are- despite being "chosen" how does it help you to be police for te rest of your life? Wouldn't it be more mature to let the affair partner fade out gently - more believable so more trust, kinder to the former lovers too. And if you can't trust then isn't it better to move on than consume your life with surveillance? What purpose can no contact possibly serve except making a control freak out of the BS and that's pretty unattractive. Why would a cheating spouse suddenly hate their former lover? It makes no sense to me for anyone. I get that it gives you short term peace of mind. But it's not healthy to rely on that. Can someone explain those things logically from a bs perspective? I would argue that for a WS who wants to stay with their spouse and not be with the AP, that NC is definitely not being cruel. It is actually the best thing to allow the two of them to move on with their futures. On LS, one reads so often of how the OW keeps emotionally invested and unable to move on while there is still some kind of contact. More generally, no one can make anyone do anything. One can ask and then the other person can decide to comply or not. In the end, it is the WS's choice if they go NC. They can either be fully committed to their choice, in which case they will maintain NC. They may decide on NC but not be very committed and may change their minds at a later date. Or they could just pretend they are going NC, and chose to keep the affair going. Whichever way they go, it is their choice. In your case, ML, it sounds like xOM, really does not want anything to do with you. As to your question about why a WS's feelings would change. Some WS get caught up in infatuation, sex, addiction and at d-day realize they don't like that part of themselves and what they really want is their family, their spouse, and who they were with their spouse. In that case, it is possible for feelings to change quite quickly. It really depends on the WS and won't be the same in all cases. Edited August 19, 2012 by woinlove 2
standtall Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Mourning...there are no absolutes with human behavior, but the NC rule helps in the vast majority of cases. 1
frozensprouts Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 OP, no contact helps with some, for others, it's not an option. My husband couldn't go "no contact" with the woman he'd cheated with. They had to work together, and as much as it frustrated me, after a little while, his actions showed that he was trying to rebuild trust, and if I couldn't trust him around her, who could I trust him with? But that's what worked for us, and as much as it may be painful for you to think about it, you may want to consider that him not being in contact is what's easiest for you as well. If he was around you but ignoring you, how would that make you feel? BTW...I really don't understand your view that his wife somehow "owes" you kindness and compassion. You sure as heck didn't show her any, yet you expect it from her after the part you played in making her life hell? 4
GLDheart Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 It's as simple as pick me or them. 100% no back and forth. Make a choice, do it now, and stand behind your decision. You have betrayed me, crushed my heart, and shattered my vision of a future with you. It is gone. If you want to rebuild it, you show me. You show me all the way, AND YOU DAMN WELL STOP TALKING TO YOUR CO-CONSPIRATOR THAT YOU'VE BEEN F*CKING BEHIND MY BACK. I do not trust you anymore. That is gone. If your choice is to give this a try, I will give you ONE chance to earn your way back. If you can't do this, tell me now. THIS WILL NOT BE EASY FOR YOU. 5
stillafool Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 OP why do you think that the BS called for NC? For all you know he the WS may have set NC with you for his own health and the health of his marriage. I know if I was a cheater and wanted my husband back no one would have to tell me not to contact my AP, my common sense would tell me this. If you are trying to say MM's wife is keeping him from contacting you, you are more than likely incorrect, he is chosing to do this for himself. 3
Steen719 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 In my case (XH cheated 2x) 1st time: Once the affair was in the light and XH gave himself time away from the OW, he began to question his reasons for even wanting her. She was married and was a bundle of issues. No contact definitely helped bring that around.Surveillance was not as easy as it is today, but I did what I could and eventually, that became not as important as my belief that my XH was not contacting OW or vice versa. The need for it subsided with time and after a while, it was not a thought. 2nd time - Well, once was enough for me. If your ex-lover wanted to get in touch with you, he would, no matter if his wife wants it or not. Chances are he: decided that he wants his family more than he wants youis questioning why he ever got involved with someone who now refuses to let gowishes he had never done the abovewishes you would drop this and leave he and his family alone As time goes on, he will consider you less and less. Right now, you are a memory and he is getting over you or has gotten over you. In time, given how you are describing your continuing involvement, you will become an irritant and then a problem that needs to be removed. Give it up. Can't you see how really screwed up this is? You are hanging on to a married man who does not want you anymore. LEAVE HE AND HIS FAMILY ALONE. Concentrate on determining what you need to do about your own marriage, which by your account is messed up. You have a responsibility to your children to make their lives the best you can. If your life is so screwed up, how can you be paying attention to what they need? If you are truly a graduate assistant, act professionally. I am involved in education as well and what you are doing is not professional. Concentrate on yourself, your family, your career and quit beating this dead horse. You are dragging a dead horse around with you, trying to resuscitate it. Leave it alone, have your own life and stop trying to insert yourself into his life again. If his wife thinks he is worth having, then that is her business, not yours. For God's sake, get some help to get over this. You are obsessed with this and it is unhealthy. If I were he and his wife, I would tell your H and that would keep you busy for a while, anyway. 10
beenburned Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Steen, Good point about her H not knowing what she has been up to! Maybe the solution to the problem is for them to inform him.
Ninja'sHusband Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Mourning...there are no absolutes with human behavior, but the NC rule helps in the vast majority of cases. And only about 33% of marriages survive an affair (though most try). It's a tough thing to do and doing something as destructive and worrying as continuing to be around your former partner doesn't help that's for sure. Btw, here's a massive thread on this same subject. My first thread, basically the same subject: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question
SoleMate Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) NC of the WS and AP is an extreme remedy, made necessary by an extreme situation, the A. You can't measure NC of AP by ordinary interaction standards. A good analogue to NC would be hospitalization of anorexics and bulimics. Yes, it's bizarre to be forcibly checked into a locked ward (with due procass of course) to have your meals and weight monitored, when everyone else makes their dietary choices freely and unilaterally, but it's appropriate and necessary when the alternative is severe health consequences up to and including death. I really have to question the original question, though. It is so full of logical fallacies and erroneous assumptions I hardly know where to start. Here are just a few: 1) Can I ask for an explanation...how can [NC] be healthy? For anyone. You make the unspoken assumption that choices post-D-Day should be decided on the basis of what is "healthiest" for "everyone". But why? The choice to engage in the A clearly was not a rational calculation of the healthiest course of behavior. Instead, it was a stew of selfishness, destructiveness, manipulation, deception, entitlement, etc. Why the suddent, total shift in supposed standards, from lying and cheating to "health for all"? That's what none of us can understand. 2) What purpose can no contact possibly serve except making a control freak out of the BS....[?] It serves many good purposes that have been noted here. As Ninja says, NC prevents even the innocent ("healthy"?) contact from sliding down the slippery slope to lies, decpetion and resumption of the affair. Authentic NC also brings peace of mind to the BS, which is surely healthy. NC also will ultimately bring peace of mind even to the WS and OW/OM and that is healthy too. After all, NC implies that the BS and WS have recommitted to their marriage and there is no future for the A. We see on LS (endlessly) about the ongoing anguish that on-again, off-again contact, extending over years or even decades, brings to many. If you can't have a real, honest relationship in the sunlight, it is healthy to refuse the shadow life of an A. Also, NC should be voluntary on the part of the WS. They make this promise to the BS as a way of showing their sincerity in rebuilding the marriage. So the burden of enforcing NC does not lie on the BS....it belongs to the WS, who gets a chance to exercise self-control and take affirmative steps every day to support the marriage and reassure the BS voluntarily. 3) Why would a cheating spouse suddenly hate their former lover? It makes no sense to me for anyone. Again, a fallacy based on your unspoken assumption that NC is driven by "hate" of the WS for the OW/OM. Actually, hate towards the OW/OM is not advised anywhere that I've EVER seen, certainly not Marriage Builders (Willard Harley) or any other widely-accepted marriage guidance. NC has nothing to do with any kind of animosity towards the OW/OM, it has everything to do with the WS focussing all his/her attentions on the marriage and the marriage partner and away from the people that constittuted a threat to the marriage. Protecting and nurturing a wanted, chosen marriage is........healthy. ML, do you really want to be convinced by logic? I see at least 6 good, major arguments in favor of NC in this thread, and 0 against (since I have shown how your arguments don't make sense). Will this reasoning convince you? Can you provide your explanation of the healthy interaction plan after an A is ended, and show how it is best and healthiest for everyone involved? Will it lead to healing and recovery for the 3 previously in a triangle? Can you give us your plan as to what is best and healthiest for a BS after the A is ended? Can you find even 1 BS who will buy in to your plan for their life? Edited August 19, 2012 by SoleMate 5
GLDheart Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 ... I see at least 6 good, major arguments in favor of NC in this thread, and 0 against... I've got one for resumed/maintained contact: It's called "go ahead and prove it". Dance in the face of temptation. In fact, if you're going to cheat again, GET IT OVER WITH. I refuse to police you. Go ahead, Be around them... I freakin dare you. Cross me again and I will bounce your ass so fast your head will spin. I'm here of my free will, to be with you, to love you... and I do. I want to be with you for all the reasons in the world. But I have a limit. Talk to whomever you want, be with whomever you want, but YOU DON'T GET THEM AND ME TOO. Period. End of Discussion. Now "Go little birdie and do what you will. I will survive." 2
seren Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Mourning, NC is not something anyone can demand, NC is usually given by the WS and in many instances, given gladly. For some WS D Day can be a relief, an end to the lying and an end to the fear that the AP will disclose, some A's continue way past their sell by date because the WS fears the AP will disclose. Not all, but some. If a BS says, if you want to leave, then go, but if you stay then we will need to have boundaries and need to work out how we (they) will fix their marriage, then NC is natural. How the WS deals with ending the A, is up to the WS. Not many BS knowingly share their spouses, in fact, I don't know of any who have said, go ahead, let the AP down slowly and I will hang around while you do it. To expect that is, IMHO, naive. I am of the mind that the WS should explain that the A has ended, but that's about it. Please try to understand that the MM you had an A with is where he wants to be. I understand that you are hurt and trying to make sense of it all, but he is doing what he wants to do and if he wanted to be with you, to have contact with you, then he would. His marriage is obviously what he wants and where he wants to be. You are still married, you have made that choice, he has made his. I fear that you will never heal, never move forward until you get your head around that he wasn't who you thought he was, he may have promised you the moon on a stick, but it has been a while now and he is staying put. Unless his wife has him shackled in a crate, he could get in touch with you, he doesn't want to. It may not mean he hates you, or didn't have feelings for you. But that was then, now? now he is working on being married. It feels like whatever you ask, whatever and however you are answered, you keep forgetting that he, the MM, is an autonomous person, he isn't some puppet worked by some evil BS. Time to move on ML, for your own peace of mind. I wish you peace of mind, soon. 1
2sure Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 After DDay if a WS does not want to lose his BS or the marriage, it makes perfect sense to stop contact with the AP. And it doesn't mean that the BS will police them forever or that the affair or another will not continue. It's just something a WS usually brings up while they are begging to reconcile. For a marriage to reconcile the affair has to end or become an open marriage. And I havent heard of any WS here asking for an open marriage after DDay. 4
waterwoman Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Hi, I'm new to this site and I hope you don't mind me joining in? For me and H, NC was essential exactly because I didn't want to police his behaviour after the affair ended. He works with her, and thankfully they are on the summer break now (he's a teacher) so they have been away from each other in the natural course of things. Knowing that he wasn't going to text her or call her gave me a breathing space. it gave us a chance to mend things without the her being around. When the summer break ends I am hoping that it will be easier for him to be around her after that period of NC. She is, in theory, moving schools anyway, but even if she hasn't, they have had some cool down time. We'll see.....
Spark1111 Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Who says a BS insists on anything? Upon discovery, many a BS is sooooo in shock that they either crumple like a puddle or call the divorce attorney and want to smash someone or something. All I wanted to know is did he love her and why did he think he had to lie to me about it? Months later, when he was begging to reconcile, NC with his OW became a no-brainer. While she continued to call, hoping to be friends, I told him that I would be okay with it if he could handle me re-igniting my friendship with an old college bf. Of course he couldn't. So, fair is fair. It really is that simple.
William Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 (edited) Eleven posts deleted in the thread-jack. We're at Stage One. Members are reminded to explain why no contact is (or is not) necessary for betrayed partners. My apologies for missing any fragmented quotes. Expect that moderation doesn't have time to clean up threads in minute detail. Members do have the time to review their postings prior to publication to ensure that they comply with guidelines. Think before firing off that missive. Thanks. Continue the discussion. Edited August 20, 2012 by William
NotCamelot Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 (edited) As for the feelings of the AP...... You, the OP, must have been the WS.....because I can tell you from the point of view of a BS. I could not care any less about the feelings of the AP. The AP usually, and in my case, knows that the the WS is married. That is why they have to slip around and hide everything. If anyone has feelings that should be considered it is/was the the BS. In fact, I and most BS I'm sure, wouldn't care if the AP crawled off and died somewhere.....because that person touched what you held most treasured in your life without regard of your feelings. Edited August 20, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Civility and respect 2
losingmyground Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Can I ask for an explanation for why this is so and how can it be healthy? NC is very important for a true reconciliation of a married couple. There is no way a person can begin to trust again, if the WS is still talking with the OW/OM with whom the deception was created. Also, it is not possible for a person to focus on the main relationship, while being distracted by another. It can't be healthy for a BS to demand you just change your feelings or are cruel to someone- how does that show you love them? It is not about me (BS) showing my love towards them...I have done that by deciding to stay rather than leave. It is not cruel...he had to make a choice between me or her. He made the choice to end the contact with her and stay with me. CRUEL would have been taking the kids away, divorcing and telling his whole family. CRUEL would have been telling my mother (she would have beat the **** out of him). CRUEL would have been me having a revenge affair. CRUEL would be to post her videos, pictures and emails all over the internet and her hometown. Oh, you should consider yourself lucky...I called the OMW husband. Her world is now blown up too. And how is it healthy to police someone like that? It might not be healthy for me to police, but it does give me piece of mind. Peace of mind that he is serious about US! It works for me to be proactive rather than sit and think. So if that's where you are- despite being "chosen" how does it help you to be police for te rest of your life? Verifing his statements and actions will not last the rest of our marriage. He will earn his trust back (hopefully). Wouldn't it be more mature to let the affair partner fade out gently - more believable so more trust, kinder to the former lovers too. Maturity is being able to make a decision to stay, being faithful, honest and loving. Inmaturity is what we BSs call CAKE EATING, which is why NC is so important. We are all adults and have to make a choice every minute of our lives. You can only have one thing at a time. And no...the OW fading away does not build more trust. Personally I DO NOT care if it kinder to the former lover. Her emotional state is only my problem when she cannot let go. Also, why should I worry about her....she didn't give a second thought to pursuing a Married Man and father of three children. Did it ever cross your mind to be KIND and leave him alone? And if you can't trust then isn't it better to move on than consume your life with surveillance? If through the surveillance I find that I cannot trust him, I will leave. He has his once in a lifetime chance right now. Why would a cheating spouse suddenly hate their former lover? Because you are 50% of the reason he is in the dog house right now. You participated in the deception of his marriage. Once the fog of the affair is gone, what they see is devistation. Trust me when I say that not only does he hate you, but he hates himself too.
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