Lostnlonley Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Ok...first off I know this won't be easy for me, I know I probably will have harsh judgments coming down on my head. I was married to an emotionally and verbally abusive man who destroyed my self-esteem. We had a kid. He told me three years ago he did not love me and wanted a divorce. I begged him not to leave me. I was a stay at home mom and no income or way to survive. I believed everything he told me about myself...that I wasn't good enough, that I was ugly, that I'd never be able to make it on my own. Our "one last shot" was leaving Texas and my family (who got too involved, and all hated him, though for good reason). We moved to Portland, OR in April of 2011. By August our issues had only gotten worse. I started to go out and meet people and try to have my own life, I couldn't sit at home all the time anymore, I was going crazy. He told me he wanted a divorce, and again I was devastated. Around the same time I met a man I had instant chemistry with. He was a "nice guy". The kind I had always run from. The kind I never believed I was good enough for. He had been through all the same stuff, we related so well and developed feelings. I began having an affair. My justification was that my husband didn't love me and treated me like dog **** for so long and this man who barely knew me believed in me. He taught me how to believe in myself. We ended up cutting things off so I could take care of my business, but only publicly. We still met up, I still considered myself his girlfriend. I occasionally slept with my husband still. We still lived together because I had to get on my feet and get on my own, I had no resources for moving out and I had a child to think about. I felt bad for being with the other man at first, and was honest with my husband about it. He knew there was someone else. In a sick way I slept with him still because I was so angry with him. I feel like he finally had interest in me after 8 years and only because I had found someone else. I made sure he knew that I had someone who appreciated me and treated me the way I wanted to be treated. Sleeping with him every 8 weeks or so was like me rubbing it in his face... "this is what you can't have anymore! I'm leaving, aren't you gonna miss this? Bet you feel bad now!" It was sick and cruel. I felt guilty for "cheating" on my boyfriend with my husband. I truly loved him, and I still do. I was caught in a web of lies. I was hoping it would all disappear. That I could convince myself it all never happened....move on to my happy new life with my new boyfriend who treated me like a princess, and that he'd never have to find out that I was not being faithful to him. I slept with my ex maybe twice in 2012, at the beginning...and then I moved out in may. The divorce still wasn't final. Our 5 year wedding anniversary was in the beginning of June, and he came over to bring something over for our daughter. He was feeling really sad about the anniversary and impending official divorce and pressured me to have sex. I said no several times, but in the end I gave in. I felt awful and cried and cried about it. The next day I sent him a message and made it clear that there would be absolutely no more of that under no circumstances whatsoever. He apologized for not letting up and not listening when I said no. The divorce finalized June 25, and we have had no sexual contact at all. I think he is finally jealous and angry and wants to get back at me, and he threatened to tell my new boyfriend that I had been sleeping with him this whole time. My new bf and I had the best relationship, no fights, perfect chemistry, he was so perfect for me. I finally (under duress) told my new boyfriend that I had sex with my ex. Except I w just telling him to feel better about it, to clear my conscience. I somehow thought that telling a half truth would assuage my guilt, so I told him we slept together twice in 2011. He forgave me. My guilt got worse. The next day I admitted it was 5 times, and the last time in April when my ex pressured me. He forgave me. Then it became apparent to me that I cannot sugarcoat it anymore...I told him it was probably 10 times in the past year and told the whole damn truth. He broke up with me. I deserved it. I told the truth, and I got my consequences. It hurt like hell and hurts me to the core that I could hurt my boyfriend like that. He is the best man I've ever met. I truly do not deserve him...but he has taught me so much, and been such an inspiration for me to be a better person and live a more authentic life. Before the affair I had never done anything like this before. I've never cheated, never made such poor decisions. My (now ex) boyfriend wants to know why I did it, and other than the reason I stated above, to hurt my ex husband, I have no freakin clue why I would do that to him. I wasnt thinking about him. I thought it would just all go away and he'd just never know about it. I learned my lesson. I truly did. All I can think about is how much pain I've caused my boyfriend and I know I'd never ever do anything like that again. He is perfect for me. His love is more than enough for me, and I have to change and prove myself. I think if I do this I can get him back, but I know the chance is slim. He may never trust me again. 10 of our 12 months were interspersed by sex with my ex husband. He thinks I will go back to him now. There is no way in hell. My BF taught me that I was Good enough and made me believe in myself...but I guess I didn't love myself enough because of what I did. All I know is that I am so sorry and I wish I could take it all back. What do I do now? I planning n going to counseling for myself, but I want to rebuild with him so bad. He loved me more than he's ever loved another woman of that I am sure...he gave me everything. I can see how he doubts that I ever loved him...but I do. Today I went over there and he was so angry...we talked...I cried to him and apologized...it was so sad to see him like that. I messed up
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