jennyhall74 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Hi there, Ok so my husband and I are separating. We have been married almost 7 years and have been together 12 years. We have 1 child. There have been some things he has said to me that confuse me. He says that right now he does not want to be in this marriage and doesn't love me anymore but doesn't know what the future holds? What does this mean? Does this mean he needs some space but could possibly consider reconciliation? I still love him very much and want to work at our marriage. At this point he does not want any councelling. But if I have to move on some day then I want to know that the door to this marriage is closed. He says that he still wants to be friends meaning going for coffee or going to a movie. So I am getting mixed signals and just don't want to hold onto any hope. He has been very stressed financially. He has this plan to separate and get shared accomodation or he has said to live in his car and pay off all the debts so we can both start off with a clean slate. I have not been working since my maternity benefits ended but have been looking for a job for the past 8 months with no success. So money is a big stress for him right now. I think he sees us separating as the only solution to fix that. Any help would be great.
tojaz Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Hi there, Ok so my husband and I are separating. We have been married almost 7 years and have been together 12 years. We have 1 child. There have been some things he has said to me that confuse me. He says that right now he does not want to be in this marriage and doesn't love me anymore but doesn't know what the future holds? What does this mean? Does this mean he needs some space but could possibly consider reconciliation? Welcome Jenny and so sorry you have need for this forum. Unfortunately it is very hard to say what this all means just based on what you have posted. In fact, it is often the case that the other party is not totally clear and what these things mean as well. If you are willing to share, I would ask what it is that you think lead the two of you to this situation or any other information that might prove helpful. TOJAZ
BetrayedH Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I am admittedly jaded from my experience (had a cheating wife). If I may ask, why is he wanting to divorce you? His "on the fence" behavior makes me wonder if he is in an affair, is testing the waters with his affair partner, but still wants you as a back-up plan in the event that it falls apart. What is your gut telling you?
carhill Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Welcome to LS He says that right now he does not want to be in this marriage and doesn't love me anymore but doesn't know what the future holds? What does this mean? Many LS'ers will opine there is another woman in the picture but it's really unknown. Ask him the question and listen to the answer and match it up with his actions. Does this mean he needs some space but could possibly consider reconciliation? His lack of interest in MC would, along with telling you he does not love you anymore, indicate to me that reconciliation is not in the immediate future. I still love him very much and want to work at our marriage. At this point he does not want any counseling. I would recommend IC and asking him whether he wants to the separation to be a legal one or informal, and then negotiating the terms of separation. Treat it like a business transaction. Polite and direct. If he's not interested in being married to you anymore (I picked this up from another LS'er), he'll respond directly and clearly, matching his current words and actions. Then file for divorce. Move forward. IC will help a lot with processing emotions and dealing with what is to come, whatever it is. My sympathies.
M30USA Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I am admittedly jaded from my experience (had a cheating wife). If I may ask, why is he wanting to divorce you? His "on the fence" behavior makes me wonder if he is in an affair, is testing the waters with his affair partner, but still wants you as a back-up plan in the event that it falls apart. What is your gut telling you? My STBXW apparently thinks I'm having an affair. Her lawyer is forcing me to reveal all this crap through the discovery process...like have I spent night with anyone, had sexual contact...she wants my phone records, etc. Truthfully I had to get out of there because it was a psychotic situation. The mental crap I had to put up with was gonna kill me by age 40, I swear. So if she wants to think it's an affair, then whatever, she won't find anything and it will cost her thousands of dollars. Even if I hypothetically was having an affair, apparently that doesn't matter anymore in family court.
Gunny376 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I'm just speaking from my own personal experience. But being the man, the sole provider, the ___________________ for a stay at home wife, and three kids WAS a hugh and tremndous stressor (not burden ~ just stressed out like you wouldn't belive) for me! FAILURE wasn't an option! Little tikes don't nor can understand not having clothes to wear, food to eat, shoes on thier feet. Not to mention having to buy the "just got to have for school!" It sounds like to me? Your DH/SO is stressed out, depressed, and feeling as though he's a failure to you, your children ~ that he's at the end of his rope as he knows it. He's trying to find solutions to the problems and the answers to the questions? And he's run out of options. What you need is a new tool / skill set! You and he need to re-train your brain. To start I would recommend looking into literally dumpseter diving (Hey don't knock it! Mrs Gunny got me started and living in a college town we've found some really good stuff sitting alongside of the curb the college kids put there! I insist that she asks permission FIRST! I canned the chair side table for the solid wood oak one she found alongside the curb!) along with learning how to shop at the Goodwill (You go to the larger cities? Your wearing some serious designer jeans and such) and the Salvation Army Thrift Store. I now (Because of Mrs Gunny) am all about flea markets ~ road side "farmer markets" Second hand stores, yard sales, auctions. More often than not? You women have just got to grab us men by the ears and pull us eyeball to eyeball and say! I LOVE YOU DAMNIT! I don't know why I do? But I do! Men understimate the LOVE of a woman! 1
TaraMaiden Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I'm just speaking from my own personal experience. But being the man, the sole provider, the ___________________ for a stay at home wife, and three kids WAS a hugh and tremndous stressor (not burden ~ just stressed out like you wouldn't belive) for me! ..... It sounds like to me? Your DH/SO is stressed out, depressed, and feeling as though he's a failure to you, your children ~ that he's at the end of his rope as he knows it. He's trying to find solutions to the problems and the answers to the questions? And he's run out of options. .... More often than not? You women have just got to grab us men by the ears and pull us eyeball to eyeball and say! I LOVE YOU DAMNIT! I don't know why I do? But I do! Men understimate the LOVE of a woman! QFT. I think your H is so stressed out by finances, and having to juggle the man things, he feels a need to step back a bit and breathe.... He can't see any other way to remedy the situation... why don't you consider taking in ironing or laundry for others, as something you can do to earn money at home? A friend of mine here in the UK does that, and she's making enough to keep their heads above water. and she's made so many new friends, too.... People drop their stuff off, you wash, dry, iron and deliver. It's a fantastic little earner.... What you need is a new tool / skill set! You and he need to re-train your brain. To start I would recommend looking into literally dumpseter diving (Hey don't knock it! Mrs Gunny got me started and living in a college town we've found some really good stuff sitting alongside of the curb the college kids put there! I insist that she asks permission FIRST! I canned the chair side table for the solid wood oak one she found alongside the curb!) along with learning how to shop at the Goodwill (You go to the larger cities? Your wearing some serious designer jeans and such) and the Salvation Army Thrift Store. I now (Because of Mrs Gunny) am all about flea markets ~ road side "farmer markets" Second hand stores, yard sales, auctions. I can't get my H out of those things... his favourite programme is the one about repossessed storage units.... he's an avid watcher, and thinks about doing it all the time... yard sales are an obsession with him - for re-sales! I have a wardrobe packed with 2nd-hand stuff - and it's all really good stuff! 'Charity shops' are extremely picky about quality now!! Ask your H what you can do to take the pressure off. This isn't about him loving you less. This is about him not enjoying life so much.
Gunny376 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Men don't HAVE TO OPTION OF being weak, nor weak-minded! Nor to cry, berive, shed a tear! We express our weakness, our depressions, our failures with one SINGULAR EMOITION! ANGER! 1
oracle Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Don't let him play the mind f* ck game to you. Focus on doing what you want, when you want and how you want it.
tojaz Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Men don't HAVE TO OPTION OF being weak, nor weak-minded! Nor to cry, berive, shed a tear! We express our weakness, our depressions, our failures with one SINGULAR EMOITION! ANGER! Men always have the option Guns,but most are taught to choose anger. TOJAZ 1
Author jennyhall74 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 Ok so these are our biggest problems: 1. Finances - I have had no income for the past 9 months which has put a big strain on our finances. He is very stressed and hate that he can't even go out to a restaurant as a example without it causing a major strain. We've never had to count our pennies ever so this is a big change. 2. My family influence - they are very opinionated and feel that they need to dictate to us how we raise our daughter and how to live our life. I think they do it out of love but it has bothered my husband for a long time and with our daughter in the picture he can no longer take it. Plus he feels like he has never been good enough. 3. My husband says he no longer loves me - I believe he is saying this mostly because of the two above questions. Currently we are still living together until the end of September when our lease is up. I've told him to sleep in the spare room if things are weird but he said things aren't that weird and is still sleeping beside me every night. He still comes home every night and spends all weekend with me and my daughter while were still living together. I am just confused about how he is acting but what he is saying is almost 2 different things. Any help would be great.
thatone Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 did you ever stand up to the family and tell them to stop telling you how to be have? did you two agree that you would work or is that just assumed (did you talk about it)? these issues are almost never that simple. what else?
Author jennyhall74 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 I have tried over the years but they really don't listen. I recently sent them a email to let them know how their behavior has affected my marriage and that it needs to stop. I let them know that I will no longer accept their controlling ways. They didn't respond well but oh well things are going to change. At this point my husband says he is not ready for marriage councelling but would consider it in the future. He wants to see how the separation goes. He keeps saying that he doesn't know what the future holds and that maybe time apart will make him realize how much he loves me.
TaraMaiden Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Right - well, if he wants separation, he can't call all the shots. tell him that if he wants a separation, same-bed is out of the question, and maybe he can go stay with family/friends for a month to see what he thinks.... i know it will be really tough on you, but he can't expect you to lie down and take all this on the chin with no input or side of things.... If he wants a separation, and he doesn't think he loves you any more... excuse me, but hold on just a cotton-picking minute...!! He can't 'use' you like some kind of compliant house-mate who does all his washing and cooking for him.... and not make any move on his own side of things to effect a separation. Actions speak louder than words. he's sticking around because it suits HIM. Well, maybe you need to be a bit tougher - you're going through hard times too, aren't you....?
Author jennyhall74 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 Well it has not been easy at all for me. I am just trying to act like it doesn't bother me but I do have my days. I still love him very much and still want to make our marriage work but right at this moment I cannot seem to convince him to stay and work at it. He want space. The reason why he hasn't left is that he really has no one to stay with. His mother doesn't have space she lives in a small apartment and his dad lives too far from his work. So we are in the situation were in. He could find a place sooner than the move out date but then he would have to support me while I'm living here and support himself. Its really a terrible situation. Plus I don't feel I should leave because of my daughter she needs things to be normal and sleep in her own bed at night.
TaraMaiden Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 OK... I'm sorry, but it sounds as if you're terribly torn - because you keep making excuses for him.... he wants a separation - but not divorce. He says he doesn't love you any more - but won't go to counselling. He insists on calling this a separation - but he sleeps in your bed.... So what's happening to suit you - on your end?
Steen719 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 How is his financial situation going to be better if he has to support you as well as himself in separate houses? Something does not add up, here, jenny. I would try to figure out just what is going on, if I were in your shoes. Good luck; I know it is painful.
Author jennyhall74 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 He seems to think being on his own he can reduce his costs and just pay everything off in a year. His biggest issue is the finances. He's highly stressed. He works 55-60 hours as a truck driver and has a 3 hour commute. So he spends up to 15 hours driving a day 5 times a week. So he's going to move closer to work and his plan is to just work and work some more. If I get a job before we separate he has to pay me up to $1000 a month. Which gives him about $3000 to himself. Well we will have to see if he does it or if it's just talk. He really really really hates nickel and dimeing. We've never had money problems ever in all the years we have been together so he hates living like this.
tojaz Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 He seems to think being on his own he can reduce his costs and just pay everything off in a year. His biggest issue is the finances. He's highly stressed. He works 55-60 hours as a truck driver and has a 3 hour commute. So he spends up to 15 hours driving a day 5 times a week. So he's going to move closer to work and his plan is to just work and work some more. If I get a job before we separate he has to pay me up to $1000 a month. Which gives him about $3000 to himself. Well we will have to see if he does it or if it's just talk. He really really really hates nickel and dimeing. We've never had money problems ever in all the years we have been together so he hates living like this. There are lots of ways to deal with finances without a separation, and money has nothing to do with love. Could this be something his nosy family may be pushing? TOJAZ
Jethro Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 Agreed, if he says he doesn't love you anymore and you believe it's becasue of finances- I'm sorry, that's an unacceptable answer.
Author jennyhall74 Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 Its actually my family who are the nosy ones. I really don't think anyone is pushing him. He just keeps telling me that he can't live like this anymore. But then proceeds to tell me that he will have to resort living in his car to get our debt paid off. I am not sure how living like that is any better. But I guess he figures once the debt is paid off he can start with a clean slate. He just confuses me and sends me mixed messages. Its very hard to read him right now. He is really not the same person I married. He's just very angry and very bitter. He says he didn't think he would ever have to live like this (nickel and diming) but says he's going to miss our daughter terribly and can't even think about the fact that he won't see her every day. I think right now he is just very confused and possibly needs space to figure out what is important in life.
tojaz Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Then i would suggest that you give him some space and see what that situation looks like. The more I read and reread this thread, the more i get the feeling that there is something big missing from this story...... His reasoning really doesn't make much sense. Does he blame you for the current financial situation? TOJAZ
Author jennyhall74 Posted August 23, 2012 Author Posted August 23, 2012 Yes he does blame me. I have had no real source of income since December and didn't go back to my old job because of a long commute. We moved during my maternal leave. I have been looking but he seems to think I haven't been looking hard enough because I want to stay at home rather than putting our DD in daycare. I would love to be able to stay home but I do realise the reality is that I can't and I have been seriously looking for a job. But I guess its just not good enough. He thought by now that I would have had a job. I am trying but at the same time it is hard when you are taking care of a toddler. My husband leaves at 5am and isn't home until between 7-8 pm. So that leaves me with a good 1 1/2 hour a day when she naps. And try and get other stuff done as well. But I am starting to think he is possibly having a emotional affair. He really does not have the time to have a physical one so I can almost be 100% on that. But maybe he is chatting with someone and that's why he has a sudden change in our marriage and our relationship. But maybe thats just me being insecure and trying to find a reason why he would say that he doesn't love me anymore. Its just so hard to believe. He has told me many times in the past that divorce or break up is just not a option. That we can always find a way to work through our problems and now he is leaving me. He told me he would love me forever and always keep me safe. Now he no longer loves me and is leaving me while I have no way to support myself. He is just not the same person anymore which makes me really sad. I just hope the old person that I fell in love with would come back.
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