Sarahp Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Any experts on older man/younger woman relationships out there? *I'm 29, and my male friend is in his early 50s. Known him since I was 18. *I lived with him for a little while at that time, and he never made a move. I've had a child since then, and I've made it a point to keep him in my life all these years, because he's a great person and I love him a lot. Now I'm realizing, I'm IN love with him. What are my chances? *Does he see me as an option, or as "out of the question?" He laughs at all my jokes, asks me lots of questions , tells me story after story, gives my kid a dollar every time he sees her and tells her to take care of mom. *A few years back he called and said that he wanted my child and I to come and live with him, as his roommates. I said no. More recently, he was calling me more often, taking us out to lunch and other places. *He never lets me pay, and if I try, he 'll turn to me and say, *"I have a lot of money ok?" it's a joke between us because he tells me that a lot and I tell him I don't care, and he laughs. *We talk nonstop when we're together, bicker like crazy and laugh about it. *But neither of us have expressed interest or made a move *He mentioned once that another girl was jealous of me because I had a nice body. * HERE'S the problem: *last week we made plans, and he called to say that he had to cancel. I understand why, and he was so apologetic and asked me to reschedule for two days later, saying he would call the next day. He didn't. I called him, no answer. When I ran into him a few days later, he was friendly but not as apologetic. I know he is extremely busy, but he seemed colder. *When j was walking away, he told me to stay away from trouble, and he said, "that's me, I'm trouble," and laughed.*The next day I saw him and I was asking his advice about a career change. I said, "what should I do?" and he replied, *"I don't know, have another baby maybe." I was really hurt. What does that mean? *He hasn't made an effort to reschedule our plans. Why is he being cold? *It 's not like doesn't talk to me, he stays in the conversation, when he could make an excuse and walk away. Did he lose interest? *Was never interested? *He almost seems mad to me...or hurt. Is he doubting that I would really want him? *Mad that I haven't shown romantic interest? *Feeling guilty? *Or realized that I want him and is freaked out ? *Trying to scare me off? *Changed his mind? *Help! *
ja123 Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 It sounds like he might have met someone else, but you don't know unless you ask. Why don't you tell him how you feel about him, though? Maybe he feels the same way about you, but is afraid that the age difference might make him seem like a perve or something. Is he really a nice and decent man? He's not an alcoholic or a gambler or something, is he?
carhill Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Welcome to LS Does he have any children? If yes, ages? Since you've known him for 11 years, how much of that time was he unmarried/single? Did he ever talk about his dating/relationship experiences? If yes, impressions of that? How about you? Dating/relationship experiences during the 11 years? You have a child, which indicates some experience. What's your relationship goal, relevant to him being interested?
chphan Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Err you 29 and you really want someone in their 50's? Unless this is Hollywood I don't see the logic of this long term. You want to be having sex with a guy in his 50's?
Author Sarahp Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 Thanks for the responses, and for the welcome.* I am currently debating approaching him and saying exactly how I feel. My fear is losing him though. I care so much for him. *He has spoken of girls in the past, but for the past couple of years he's been saying he's through with the few girls he used to mention(all of them younger) *He's never been married and doesn't have any kids. *He absolutely loves my daughter. * The thought did occur to me, that if he was interested he would feel wrong to say something. When I was 18, he was pretty paranoid about making sure I knew, he wasn't trying to take advantage of me. If he got up during the night to go to the bathroom, he would ask me the next day if I had noticed, and reassure me that he was indeed, ONLY getting up to go to the bathroom. *One time he sat me down and explained that I needed to be more careful, that coming to live with an older man, I could get taken advantage of, but that he wasn't that way. At the time, I lived with him because I simply didn't like my roommate situation. I had spent a few nights there, and one day I walked into his bathroom and found a new toothbrush and towel that he had bought for me. So I stayed.* I was in and out of a bad relationship during that time, and my wonderful daughter is a product of that situation. I have had two long term relationships since then.* He stopped drinking altogether *9 years ago, doesn't gamble, owns his own home, and is very compassionate towards others(works as an in home caregiver). * If I knew he was interested, I would want to date. I can see myself being with him forever. I know that sounds dumb.* His comment that I should just have another baby did hurt. It just sounded cold, and I've never known him to be mean towards me. Which is why I started wondering if he was feeling mad or hurt. *I would think that the last thing he would suggest I do is have another baby.*
kaylan Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Err you 29 and you really want someone in their 50's? Unless this is Hollywood I don't see the logic of this long term. You want to be having sex with a guy in his 50's? I agree with this. How would he even be able to keep up with you....does he want kids?...Are you willing to date someone whos aging and slowing down in life while you are still quite young? I dont get it. You dont have younger options? Be smart about this. And there is no forever...chances are youll be taking care of this man and missing out on a lot of things once he hits his 60s and 70s. You get forever with a man your age....not a dude almost 30 years older than you.
carhill Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 This might be an indelicate question, but are you sure he's heterosexual? I'm his age, and have led a somewhat 'different' life, and a number of things stood out which impelled me to ask the question. From reading, it sounds like you have more and varied relationship experience at 29 than he does at 50+, so this could be a tough row to hoe if you wish to progress to anything long term and serious. A couple more questions: 1. Have you seen him in person with a woman who obviously was a date or romantic interest? 2. Is your father still alive and, if so, in your life? 1
Author Sarahp Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 It's interesting that you should ask if he is in fact heterosexual. I've questioned this myself at times. I have seen him with one woman, in person. What were the things that stood out as indicators that he could possibly be gay? *If he is gay, and I confess my feelings for him, doesn't it seem likely that it would end the friendship? *I don't want that to happen. *He made a comment not too long ago, about someone we both know having wanted to date me. I said, "but he is gay!". And he responded, *"gay guys can like girls, ok? *Trust me." *Is that an odd thing to say? *But he did definitely have that one relationship with the woman I met, who was kind of troubled.* As for my father, yes, he is alive and well. We get along great. Always have. No issues there I've given a lot of thought to the age gap. And I know that *being with him would mean a slower lifestyle. I've had a taste of that. When I have suggested we go to the zoo, he has responded that his knee had been bothering him(he plays soccer) and he would rather take us to the beach and sit together for the afternoon. It's slower. But I'm okay with that.*
Author Sarahp Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 I did hear from someone once that this man, I'll call him Pedro,*had slept with one of our female coworkers. But I can't be certain of that story's validity. I should probably also mention, the guy who he had said *"wanted to date me even though he was gay" was someone I worked for. When I first met that guy, he reminded me so much of Pedro, in the way they addressed me verbally, that I felt the urge to ask if they knew each other. I had no real reason to believe it except a strange feeling. It was the way they both would say, *"hey girl ." So I indulged in paranoia and they did know each other. Pedro told me to stay away from the guy I worked for, because he was a bad man. The man I worked for told me he was a palm reader, which I don't believe obviously , but "read" that my future included a man who was a good person, who loved me, loved my daughter, whom my daughter already loved, and I would spend the rest of my life with him. He would tell me about this man all the time, that he loved me but I had to be open to it and wasn't yet. He also identified the heritage of the man...correctly. Was he trying to tell me something he knew that I didn't ? *I've always wondered about that. But I've also wondered HOW they had become acquainted. After all, the man I worked for was gay. Closeted, but gay.*
RedRobin Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 If he has a conscience he would not want to suck your youth away. If you enjoy the thought of spending your 50+ years likely alone... then go ahead and spend your prime years with him.
Author Sarahp Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 Thanks to everyone who has given me feedback here. It's all constructive, and it's appreciated. I think my feelings are too deep for him, to consider the age gap as a deal breaker at this point. If we became involved to the point that we were both truly happy in the relationship, I could have the next 40 years with him. Granted, something could happen to him that would put me into more of a caretaker role sooner than I expected. And I'm sure it's easier to sit and romanticize how those years will be, than it is to live them. But his parents are in their 90s, doing well. Maybe he has good genes? And I feel like this is truly my only sacrifice. I'm a parent. I'm already living the adult, responsible life. My concern now, from what this forum has brought to light, is theater he could be gay. If anyone has any further thoughts on this, please let me know.
todreaminblue Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Any experts on older man/younger woman relationships out there? *I'm 29, and my male friend is in his early 50s. Known him since I was 18. *I lived with him for a little while at that time, and he never made a move. I've had a child since then, and I've made it a point to keep him in my life all these years, because he's a great person and I love him a lot. Now I'm realizing, I'm IN love with him. What are my chances? *Does he see me as an option, or as "out of the question?" He laughs at all my jokes, asks me lots of questions , tells me story after story, gives my kid a dollar every time he sees her and tells her to take care of mom. *A few years back he called and said that he wanted my child and I to come and live with him, as his roommates. I said no. More recently, he was calling me more often, taking us out to lunch and other places. *He never lets me pay, and if I try, he 'll turn to me and say, *"I have a lot of money ok?" it's a joke between us because he tells me that a lot and I tell him I don't care, and he laughs. *We talk nonstop when we're together, bicker like crazy and laugh about it. *But neither of us have expressed interest or made a move *He mentioned once that another girl was jealous of me because I had a nice body. * HERE'S the problem: *last week we made plans, and he called to say that he had to cancel. I understand why, and he was so apologetic and asked me to reschedule for two days later, saying he would call the next day. He didn't. I called him, no answer. When I ran into him a few days later, he was friendly but not as apologetic. I know he is extremely busy, but he seemed colder. *When j was walking away, he told me to stay away from trouble, and he said, "that's me, I'm trouble," and laughed.*The next day I saw him and I was asking his advice about a career change. I said, "what should I do?" and he replied, *"I don't know, have another baby maybe." I was really hurt. What does that mean? *He hasn't made an effort to reschedule our plans. Why is he being cold? *It 's not like doesn't talk to me, he stays in the conversation, when he could make an excuse and walk away. Did he lose interest? *Was never interested? *He almost seems mad to me...or hurt. Is he doubting that I would really want him? *Mad that I haven't shown romantic interest? *Feeling guilty? *Or realized that I want him and is freaked out ? *Trying to scare me off? *Changed his mind? *Help! * The only way is to be honest with him ask him upfront if he looks you in the eyes and you know him like you say you do you will know the truth..he may feel the age gap its a big one but age differences are not as important as th epath that you are on....older feet still walk....good luck with you and yours.....deb
kaylan Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Thanks to everyone who has given me feedback here. It's all constructive, and it's appreciated. I think my feelings are too deep for him, to consider the age gap as a deal breaker at this point. If we became involved to the point that we were both truly happy in the relationship, I could have the next 40 years with him. Granted, something could happen to him that would put me into more of a caretaker role sooner than I expected. And I'm sure it's easier to sit and romanticize how those years will be, than it is to live them. But his parents are in their 90s, doing well. Maybe he has good genes? And I feel like this is truly my only sacrifice. I'm a parent. I'm already living the adult, responsible life. My concern now, from what this forum has brought to light, is theater he could be gay. If anyone has any further thoughts on this, please let me know. Come on kid, (and Im saying this as someone younger than you), there is no next 40 years. The guy has maybe 20 years left if you go by average male life span...could be less too depending on how healthy he is. And trust me, once he starts showing his age and slowing down into his elderly years, you wont feel to thrill not being able to be with a man your own age. Be realistic about this. I personally think you have some father figure issues that arent sorted out, and a lack of options your age. Think about that...if a sexy, smart, well put together man who was aged 30 came into your life right now, would you pass him up for a 50 something year old you think may be gay?
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