Setting boundaries with a guy at work

[bolase]

Hi, so a quick rundown of the situation I am in.

 

Guy at work: mid 40s, married once briefly in his 20s, currently single

 

Lady at work: mid 30s, currently single but dating, dated guy at work ^ for 3yrs, they broke up 2 years ago but seem close.

 

Me: 29, new to workplace, on the same floor as the people above. None of us are more highly ranked than each other.

 

Our workplace is pretty low key and friendly.. When I first started the guy offered to show me around and take me surfing which I took up. I didn't see it as anything more. I had a boyfriend at the time (LDR) which has since ended.

 

Anyway, a few weeks afterward he asked me out to dinner, I declined telling him that I was in a relationship (he didn't know, it hadn't come up). Everything was fine.

 

Now I am interested in / attracted to this guy a little, I see potential, but I also see it as doomed because we work with his ex who I get along well with. I don't want to cause drama and hurt feelings and I am not interested in dating him because of this - otherwise, I would probably give it a cautious go.

 

I've now broken up with my LDR bf and this guy has asked me out a couple of times to coffee during the work day.

 

I feel I should take this up to tell him that I won't date him because I don't want drama and I want to enjoy my job without complications.

 

I am really in need to help about what to say. I want to be clear and honest without hurting him too much or betraying my attraction for him, because that probably means he'd keep trying.

 

Thanks!

[InJest]

Oh man. This has disaster written all over it. I can't seem to stay away from office hijinks myself, but doing good at my new job so far. Anyway, just be very direct in that you like his company but it shouldn't go beyond that because you two have to work with closely with his ex.

 

Personally, I think at some point it's going to come to a head, so you may as well just take the chance and start dating him now. Just keep it professional in the office, not touching or excessive chatting. Good luck.

[mesmerized]

I had somewhat of the same problem recently. A coworker of mine was really insisting on us going out. My strategy was that I was just totally honest with him. One time finally when he asked me again about when we hanging out out of work, I just told him we're coworkers and we shouldn't mess around anyways. If he is even a bit logical, he wouldn't take it personally and move on.

[eleanorhurting]

Yes this seems like a bad idea but like someone else above posted, I have been guilty of it as well. Proceed if you are OK with dealing with it going sour.

 

Also, how long ago was your break up?

 

Dating someone from the office... risky.

 

Rebounding with someone from your office... recipe for disaster!

[FryFish]

When I first started the guy offered to show me around and take me surfing which I took up. I didn't see it as anything more. I had a boyfriend at the time (LDR) which has since ended.

 

Anyway, a few weeks afterward he asked me out to dinner, I declined telling him that I was in a relationship (he didn't know, it hadn't come up).

Until and unless you figure out that there IS A PROBLEM with the bolded parts above, I suggest you dont seriously date anybody.... You arent mature enough...

 

Guy didnt take you on a surf date to be your friend... and it should have come up when he asked you out...

[bolase]

Until and unless you figure out that there IS A PROBLEM with the bolded parts above, I suggest you dont seriously date anybody.... You arent mature enough...

 

Guy didnt take you on a surf date to be your friend... and it should have come up when he asked you out...

 

On the contrary. I have never had boundary drama in my relationships, and I do take things seriously.

 

I wanted to go surfing, he was going, so I ended up going along - no big deal. That is how surfing or most outdoor sports work - its not easy to get out to the right places so you go with other people.

 

I may be sometimes naive though, and due to our particular circumstances and all our contact to date, I never thought that this guy was interested in me.

[bolase]

Yes this seems like a bad idea but like someone else above posted, I have been guilty of it as well. Proceed if you are OK with dealing with it going sour.

 

Also, how long ago was your break up?

 

Dating someone from the office... risky.

 

Rebounding with someone from your office... recipe for disaster!

 

True We broke up around 2 months back now, but as far as I know.. office guy does not know that. That's part of the reason that I want to let him know we will not be dating. I think that he very much goes for what he wants regardless of the collateral!

[bolase]

Thanks for your replies - I will be honest with him. But when to say it - I don't want to have to go on a date in order to tell him I don't want to date him..sigh

[mesmerized]

Thanks for your replies - I will be honest with him. But when to say it - I don't want to have to go on a date in order to tell him I don't want to date him..sigh

 

Don't go on a date with him...tell him at work.

[kaylan]

I dont buy what youre selling OP. You obviously want something to happen, and most likely will put yourself in a situation where you can later say "I got caught in the moment" or "the alcohol took over"

 

I see where this is going. Your going to sleep with him, cause drama at work, and have to find a new job.

 

Prove me wrong. Good luck.

[bolase]

I dont buy what youre selling OP. You obviously want something to happen, and most likely will put yourself in a situation where you can later say "I got caught in the moment" or "the alcohol took over"

 

I see where this is going. Your going to sleep with him, cause drama at work, and have to find a new job.

 

Prove me wrong. Good luck.

 

I don't have to prove nil, but we don't drink together, and I don't really drink. This thread is about how to have a civil convo.

[RedRobin]

He's a grown man. Just say no thank you. That should be enough.