Living with the EX

[The_Face]

Hello everybody. First off, I'm new to this site, so if I'm posting in the wrong spot, I apologize in advance. Now, to get to my situation. I'll try and spare you all the long version.

 

Basically, it goes like this.. I was dating a girl for almost a year and things started to go south. Without getting into the reasons why, we broke up and she moved out of the apartment we were sharing. Fast-forward a month later, and we find out she is pregnant with my child.

 

She is currently living 2 hours away, with her mother. She has no job and is enrolling in school to get her foot in the door for a good career to provide for the baby. She's about 3 months along now, and we've been getting along fairly well, for the most part. It's in her best interest to move back in with me, as her current living situation is not the best when it comes to her commute to school, and she has no car, on top of it. So we've agreed to give that a go. I'm mostly going along with it because of the baby. I worry that if she doesn't get back in school, things won't move forward for her and she may find herself broke and unemployed for a steady period of time, not to mention, she could possibly end up shacking up with people who may not have her best interests in mind. (She seems to have a history of living with the wrong types of people in the past)

 

She is most likely moving back here in the next couple weeks, and until then she has been staying with me off and on, going back and forth between here and with her mother. I guess now that I've written all of this out, I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking...

 

Maybe this.. Has anyone else tried living with an ex before? And if so, has it worked out? Regardless of whether it has or hasn't worked out, any advice on this one? I know there's details I should probably include, for some to come up with their advice, but I figure I'll wait and see what type of responses I get before I spill all the beans on the other stuff. Thanks for reading!

Edited August 18, 2012 by The_Face
Grammer

[Balzac]

Best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

In what world is she better off in your life? Your description of her is that of a pregnant child. While I understand that you've accepted the pregnancy as your DNA and though you've not stated such, have an interest in your child.

 

Absent education and employment she has now secured herself into the economic reality of single motherhood. Whatever was she thinking?

 

Personally, I cannot imagine with your descriptives that embracing her into your apt/house while pregnant is wise nor practical. How will you manage conflict resolution? Avoid being a parent stand in? Evict her post birth w an infant in the mix?

 

I'd be thinking long term as to what is the best way to prepare for fatherhood, provide financially for your child and secure access to your child. How she manages her life is outside of your control. Bad life decisions become your child's problem. How capable of a parent can she be?

 

Lottsa questions in my mind. How do you feel about parenthood?

[The_Face]

Best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

In what world is she better off in your life? Your description of her is that of a pregnant child. While I understand that you've accepted the pregnancy as your DNA and though you've not stated such, have an interest in your child.

 

Absent education and employment she has now secured herself into the economic reality of single motherhood. Whatever was she thinking?

 

Personally, I cannot imagine with your descriptives that embracing her into your apt/house while pregnant is wise nor practical. How will you manage conflict resolution? Avoid being a parent stand in? Evict her post birth w an infant in the mix?

 

I'd be thinking long term as to what is the best way to prepare for fatherhood, provide financially for your child and secure access to your child. How she manages her life is outside of your control. Bad life decisions become your child's problem. How capable of a parent can she be?

 

Lottsa questions in my mind. How do you feel about parenthood?

 

Man, way to spin my head around and make me second-guess myself. I'm not saying you're wrong for anything you've said, you're being honest, and I appreciate that. I guess what you said just changes my feelings a bit and makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing. Whenever me and the ex talk about how we are going to co-parent and live together and all that, it seems like it should be relatively easy to work through. Maybe I'm just being naive.

 

I am exicted about parenthood. Obviously, whenever I dreamt of becoming a father I always imagined it would happen under different circumstances. I dreamt of being married to a woman I love and live in a house, the white picket fence, all that stuff. But even with all those things missing from the equation, I am still excited about the baby itself. I am a hard worker and I pay my bills, and I am more than capable of taking care of my end of the responsibilites. But after reading your comment, it makes me feel like I'm only taking on the responsibilites for both me and the mother. I don't know how to handle it all now.

 

Do I tell her she's out of luck, living with me? I've already been wishy-wishy about the topic to begin with, and only recently adapted the mindset that it could work out for all of us living together. It's when I've told her I'm not sure if we could live together that she's started crying and told me she doesn't know what she's going to do with herself. She has no car, no job, no way of getting to school from her mom's. I guess I guilt-tripped myself into going through with it. Not just for the her sake, but the baby, more importantly. What good will the mother be to our child if she's living at home, with little no resources to better herself?

 

I've got a lot more thinking to do. Thank you for your honesty in your response. It's very much appreciated.

[Balzac]

Congrats on your impending fatherhood.

 

Not my goal to spin you around. Just be realistic and get a good handle on the logistics and conflict resolution skills required.

[The_Face]

Think I'm just going to go through with it, after all. This whole situation is just so crazy when I stop and think about it. Everyone's telling me not to do it, and maybe I'll look back on this and wish I had listened, I hope not. I already know many, many people in my life are going to urge me against this, maybe even get mad at me for doing it. The whole thing really doesn't look great to anybody else, understandably. With the information about our crappy break-up, paired with the fact that my ex is an added financial burden for me to take on, I wouldn't blame anyone for thinking this situation looks bad, and moving back in together is a really stupid idea. But I'm looking forward to certain aspects of it, mainly the fact that I can count on seeing my child every single day, even if it is only for the time my ex is in school. And even if that time is only spent listening to the baby cry and sleep all day, it's still a period of time with that consistancy of being there, you know? Because, regardless of if I did or didn't house the mother for her time in school, the future is inevitabley going to lead to that point where me and the mother have to work out a parenting plan with visition rights and all that legal hobnobbery. I'm eventually going to have my own place again and so will she, and we'll be forced to toss the kid back and forth, unfortunately. So, again, I hope someone can understand me when I explain my reason for doing this. It benefits everyone, all in different ways. It sounds wierd, I know, but it feels right, even though it feels wierd. Sorry I'm rambling now. I really do appreciate your opinions, whether they be supportive or negative. It's just good to hear from others what they would do. Anywa, no matter what happens, one thing is certain, me and my ex are going to shield our baby from anything that could negatively affect their childhood. At least I can count on that.

 

But,

 

I do think I need to take some precautions in this. I'm not just going to go into this completely unguarded. I think I should speak with a lawyer first. And while I have no idea yet what this might entail, I figure there will be some time of contract that needs to be written between me and the mother, something that protects me in some way. I know I probably sound like an idiot here, because I've never been in this situation before, so I don't even know what the f*** any of this would really play out like. Am I making any sense at all? I'm pretty damn tired, so maybe this is all just sounding like gibberish. Time for bed.

 

Any advice, or criticism, is still highly appreciated. Thanks again, if nothing else, for letting me vent!

Edited August 19, 2012 by The_Face
Just going for it

[oracle]

I have lived with my ex for 2 years since our separation. Granted I have a 10000sf house so its easy to avoid each other. I wanted to dump the house as is, he wanted to finished renovations that were already underway. I decided to go along. It has its ups and downs.

 

First thing I did was set ground rules. The house was off limits.. to EVERYONE. family friends dates etc. Only with prior approval was this allowed or if the other was out of town. Your home needs to be a safe haven for you to come home to.

 

You are possibly setting things up for a worse situation in the future. What happens when junior is a few years old and she is on her feet and has met some nice guy with some money and she is ready to go off and have a better life and take jr.?

 

I think Balzac put forward some bigger questions that both you and ur ex need to look at. This isn't really gonna be about you two as much as it will be about the life you are going to be able to give your child?

[Balzac]

I'm sure it feels good to have reached your decision. Personally, your reasoning seems logical and sound. Your expectations seem reasonable and I think now you ignore comments from outside as it relates to moving forward. This is about your ability to parent your child.

 

Education for her is necessary, supportive environment from you gives her a best chance. Less daily stress, turmoil, leads to an easier pregnancy.

 

Seeking professional counsel is wise. A capable attorney will guide you to establish a pathway to resolve future conflicts. A workable exit strategy, future access to your child. Perhaps a means for you to have full physical custody rights with her saving face if she is unable to mature into her role. This does not have to be an adversarial process but more a practical one.

 

Congrats again. You have one shot at this sharing this pregnancy and birth. Go for what matters to you. Keep posting. Few among us can say what we would do! Children cannot choose their parents but your child sure has a dedicated father in you.

[The_Face]

Just an update for anyone who may have been interested. Wow, what a headache. I just talked to my ex on the phone an hour or so ago, and told her I think for things to work out at all with her living with me, she would need to find a part-time job or at least some way of bringing in some cash. I can pay the big bills and put food on the table, which really is the bulk of the financial burden right now. But we need something more. It's still so early in the pregnancy and now is the time to save everything we can. It's going to be impossible for either of us to have money once the baby is here, if I'm the only one bringing it in. I suggested transferring to the school closer to me, so she wouldn't need to spend 4 hours on the bus everyday, which would free her up more to squeeze in a part time job, even a couple days a week. It was like pulling teeth, simply trying to explain a few of my ideas on how she could manage that, and why it was so important to me. It's basically her way or the highway.

 

I do still think there are still plenty of benefits for all of us, if my ex were to stay with me through the pregnancy and at least for the first year following it. But that's long-term. And mostly beneficial to her, now that I think about it. The short-term issues are what I'm dealing with right now, and they are most all financial. We need to put money aside, now. If I spend all mine supporting the two of us right now, we'll both have zero dollars by the day the baby is born. It's just that simple. I know I'm wishy-washy about all this, and I haven't taken anybody's advice so far, and ultimately I've just been stuck. I don't know how to handle my ex right now. Really starting to reconsider this, thankfully before anything has been moved in. But if I do that, she's going to blame me for her not being able to go back to school, and for her wasting this last month not looking for a job where she lives.

 

What a hassle.

[The_Face]

the thing is, it was both of our decisions to have unprotected sex. I can't dwell on that any longer though. What's done is done. A decision was made and it was a bad one that we both made.

 

But the decision to keep the baby really came down to her. I told her I would support any decision she made. But now I'm wondering, did she really consider all the damn work we'd have to do? The compromises we would both need to make, if she decided to keep the baby? Feels like I'm carrying the baby, and my ex, through all of it. Was it so much to ask that she finds a way to bring in some damn money? Sorry that's such a stressful thought!

 

I need a cigarette. Ughhhh... Don't know what to do. She won't budge on this, so I need to make an important decision now.

[Bazamu]

You know her better than any of us. I am kinda in the same boat, but the only difference is. She is keeping it and I can't talk to her unless it's about the appointments. You sound like you have a ton on your mind. The main point you keep bringing up is that you are worried about her not getting a job and wasting your time. Youre enabling her to sit on her ass and do nothing, that's just from my pov

[The_Face]

Well... I told her today, after a long-winded argument about a ton of different stuff, that it's not worth it to any of us if we go through with this. I've been trying my best, giving everything I got (and way more than I should be, according to my friends and family) and it's too much to deal with. Living together would be great for her, as far as being closer to school and all that. But if we can't even get along when discussing issues, or compromises we will both have to make if we go through with this, it's not going to be worth it in the long run. We'll both drive eachother crazy. I'll go broke. And who knows, she could even fail her classes with everything else going on. All I can say now is, I'm going to do everything I have to do for the baby, financially and emotionally. But there's not much else I can do right now. The fact that we couldn't even see eye-to-eye about our differences in our relationship when we were dating, it's hard to believe we'll be able to see eye-to-eye on important topics or differences now that we are split up.

 

I wish I had never even played along with the idea of us trying this out, without addressing all my concerns right off the bat. It would have made thigns a little easier, at least. I'm going to try and get my other car fixed, and see if I can just sell that to her, or give it as a gift, so she can still take care of herself, at least in that way. And some people are telling me that's also too much for me to do for her.

 

It sucks that we couldn't have given it a try. I just think the end result would be me putting way more into the situation and getting the least out of it. And what good will all this be to the baby? A bitter, exhausted and broke dad, yeah right. And a mother who can barely get by on her own, without tons of help from others. I need to focus on saving money for the baby, and finding a nice, new apartment thats in a good area, a nice place for the baby to come and stay when the times comes.

 

My ex's phone cut out in the middle of finally saying this idea is no longer an option. It was naive and we rushed into it without considering all the downsides. So I don't know what she's thinking at this point. She left a message that says she is ready to talk to me again and her phone is working again, and she has figured things out? Whatever that means. Guess I'll just wait to hear back from her, if she's not too pissed off to tell me.

 

I give up on helping her like I was thinking of doing. What a stupid idea. I just want the baby to be happy, healthy, and supported and loved from both of us. That's all I need to concern myself with now. That, and saving, saving, saving!

 

Sorry Bazamu, how far along is she? Guess we can relate, somewhat. But I think I'll be able to relate much more to you in the days coming. After this blowout, and the realization we can't work this out, I'm pretty sure my ex will be cutting off most or all contact with me as well. Sure she'll include me in appointments, but other than that, I'm not expecting a thing from her in the way of communication or emotional support. Good luck to you, we both need it!

 

UPDATE:

 

Just talked to her again. It's official. We both agreed this is not going to work. Too many arguments already. It's bittersweet, in a way, that she was okay with not doing it after all. Deep down, I know that's what's best for everyone. But there is still that part of me that would have enjoyed a few small aspects of it, main one being I could see the little newborn every single day for a small amount of time. I had gotten myself excited a few days ago, thinking about being a huge part of the pregnancy. Getting to see everything progress, and whether she' s my ex or not, being there with her every step of the way.

 

Anyway, that's not going to happen. We're both going to focus on our own individual things we have to get in line and prepare for the baby. There will be stuff we have to do together, of course, just not as much as we were thinking originally. That's all, folks.

 

Thanks for the few who shared advice and support through this. I know there's still alot more ahead of me, and us. And the baby isn't even born yet. But at least the headache of forcing that whole thing to work can go away now. Smoke break!

Edited August 22, 2012 by The_Face

[The_Face]

She won't talk to me now. Apparently it's all or nothing. I'm the good guy or I'm the bad guy. No real grey area.

 

It's a drag. All I can do now is sit back and wonder how she's doing. Hoping at all times that she is happy where she is and eating healthy and feeling good about herself.

 

But I am not a bad guy. I love her and she knows that. I've never meant to make things any more difficult for her. We rushed into living together the first time because I overlooked so many things, and focused solely on the fact that she had just gotten fired and couldn't afford rent. Look what happened there. We didn't have a great foundation to begin with. I wanted to save her and she wanted to be saved, that was it. And it seems history was starting to repeat itself. She is in the same boat she was when we met, pretty much. No job, no car, and no way of paying rent anywhere. Only difference now is she's pregnant. Otherwise, the reasoning behind the move-in and the sense of urgency is identical. So, naturally, the idea came back up again.

 

Only this time, we stopped ourselves before we made a bad decision because of a few good reasons. I only wish it could have been realized without coming out in the form of an argument. It makes the distance between us now feel wierd, as opposed to good.

 

Nobody's reading this anymore, I take it. I understand. Still feels nice to vent, even if it does make me look like an ass. Maybe we will become better friends because of this, and be able to start over. I have pretty much lost most hope or determination in us rekindling our romance, although I could possibly be ready for it someday. But again, I'm not even counting on it now. All I want is to be friends. I hope she is feeling good today, and that she's happy. I care so much about her and the baby, even if I'm not wanted around anymore, all I want is their health and happiness.

Edited August 24, 2012 by The_Face
Getting off topic