dumbass101 Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Hi everyone, My ex of 4 years left me 5 months ago and I'm really struggling. I've tried NC but as I have been drowning my sorrows most days I tend to email or text her. It's a mix of saying my love and other emails are pure anger. I had my suspicions she was cheating many times over the years. Quite strong evidence but she always denied and my proof was not inconclusive. Then last September I stumbled upon a series of nude photos on her phone. Someone rang looking for me and her phone woke her up. When I ended the call up popped a photo so she was obviously looking at them before she fell asleep the previous night. I confronted her and of course she denied. I Googled her usual user name and found her on Google plus saying she was single. I ran back upstairs to confront her again and she said I set up the account. A blatant lie. Anyway, after 6 months of her denials and me living in partial denial she announced she was leaving. She stayed at a mates and said she needed space. She knows I am anxious on the evenings but would reply to my messages then I believe to upset me. She then emailed me at 00.30 on April fools day to tell me she was not coming back and that it was not an April fools joke! How sadistic can a person be!! I told her to delete and block my contact info and I would do the same. I told her I would drive her crazy with my attempts to get her back so I was warning her. Meanwhile I'm continuing to send begging messages then 3 months later she suddenly rings and one thing leads to another and we meet up but I smelled a rat. She was very cocky and not herself. She looked very well whilst I lost weight. She said she would not rush a decision and she may takes months of friendship before she might fall in love again. Then we met a second time and she was dressed down and was saying she is having counselling and felt guilty about leaving (I was depressed and morbid and I also have 2 young kids from a previous relationship who were fond of her as we lived together). However, she was giving me vibes that there was not much chance of a reconciliation when we chatted but she did hug me tightly when she departed at the station. I was in a state of distress trying to deal with all this and took sick leave from work. I was not prepared to wait 'months' whilst she lives many miles away and would no doubt be having fun with other guys. I pushed her to make a decision and she said she had no feelings for me when we met. I feel I did the right thing. Meanwhile I continue to text etc but she wont block me. She even sent a kiss at the end of a recent message. I know she is playing with me but I can't stick at the NC due to my drinking to cope with the pain and loneliness. Before people say I shouldn't drink...I know that but I can't go more than a couple of days off the booze and as soon as I drink I'm messaging again. I asked her tonight to block me and get the phone company to bar my number. I am trying. Maybe this ramble isn't making much sense (I'm sober though) but has anyone got any words of encouragement? I need help please.
Balzac Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Dude, you're describing alcohol addiction not more, not less. Fund yourself an AA meeting and start with one visit.
Author dumbass101 Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 Ha....my post went on a bit. Sorry guys. Yeah...Its getting bad. Its more to cope with the pain as I'm not coping at all. I suppose I'm looking to see if anyone else found themselves in this situation....trying to do NC whilst drowning their sorrows.
MyHeartTakesOver Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 OK. The first thing you need to do is stop drinking IMMEADIATELY. This will become full blown alcoholism if you don't deal with that NOW. Tell your GP and get professional help. This woman sounds utterly vile and well beneath you. I believe that anyone capable of loyalty and love (and it very much sounds like you are) deserves to be treated with the same. She has neither. She might be guilty; that's her problem. Change your number and email address and don't give the details to anyone who'll pass them onto her. She's gone and she's not coming back. By the sounds of her I'd celebrate.
Balzac Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Legions of folks. Happens with enough folks to be considered ubiquitous. No shame, no foul. Recognizing your coping method is the key. For some it's ice cream, for others it's random sex.
Author dumbass101 Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 Yes, she lived a double life. Psychopatic traits all over her. She acted like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. I did see occasional signs of the mask slipping over the years but as soon as she left she became vile as the real person was unmasked. Why do we fall in love with such people? she was also a visa hunter. Utterly vile....
TaraMaiden Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 And those are just her good points, huh...? If she's as despicable as you say she is - why the hell are you having so much difficulty moving on and getting past the witch? Really, that's a genuine question. What are you missing and pining for, exactly?
Author dumbass101 Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 I'm pining for the person she pretended to be....I was fooled by her. If I never stumbled on those pics we would probably still be together. We had amazing sex too. I overheard her brag to her friend that she was a sex addict so looking back that might explain her behaviour. She was right....I was the April fool :-)
Balzac Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 "was" a fool as in past tense. You see it now, you know it was faux, you know what you need to do.
TaraMaiden Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I'm pining for the person she pretended to be....I was fooled by her. If I never stumbled on those pics we would probably still be together. We had amazing sex too. I overheard her brag to her friend that she was a sex addict so looking back that might explain her behaviour. She was right....I was the April fool :-) Hang on..... So, essentially, you're pining for a non-existent imaginary pseudo-friend? Is that really sensible? Can you see the madness in that??
Author dumbass101 Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 The trouble is that I would probably, well most likely, agree to meet up with her if she ever asked me to. I was utterly in love with her. I've had a few relationships in my time but nobody came close to her in terms of companionship. I know she did have some love for me but sex was her addiction. She was that good at making herself seem nice. Damn pretty too. My heart is well and truly in pieces. That's why I need to stick at NC so i can move on.
Balzac Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Have you ever heard of narcissism? In the toxic relationship sense?
Author dumbass101 Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 Hang on..... So, essentially, you're pining for a non-existent imaginary pseudo-friend? Is that really sensible? Can you see the madness in that?? You are right but that's love. Heart break is a lonely place even if you have people around you. That's why I decided to join up on here and hear some sense from you guys :-) . You guys are able to understand as its still raw or medium-rare with you all.
Author dumbass101 Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 Have you ever heard of narcissism? In the toxic relationship sense? I'm listening.....
TaraMaiden Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 The trouble is that I would probably, well most likely, agree to meet up with her if she ever asked me to. I was utterly in love with her. I've had a few relationships in my time but nobody came close to her in terms of companionship. I know she did have some love for me but sex was her addiction. She was that good at making herself seem nice. Damn pretty too. My heart is well and truly in pieces. That's why I need to stick at NC so i can move on. And she, it seems, was yours. Toxic, unhealthy, hard to get out of your system, you have cravings for something you at first thought was absolutely marvellously cool - but in fact, it's insidiously invaded your system, and it's steadily permeated every fibre, and now - getting rid of it means going Cold Turkey. Yup. complete NC it is! 1
Balzac Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 It is a personality disorder. You might start here. How to Spot a Narcissist | World of Psychology
TaraMaiden Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 You are right but that's love. Heart break is a lonely place even if you have people around you. That's why I decided to join up on here and hear some sense from you guys :-) . You guys are able to understand as its still raw or medium-rare with you all. No, it most certainly is NOT love. Love neither behaves this way nor treats people in this way. It's a dependency on validation. And it's a dreadful abuse of someone's affections. Love? No, I don't think so....
beach Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 When you quit drinking for an extended period of time - you may have more clarity on what good, healthy choices are for YOU! Can you quit?
Balzac Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 How To Get Over A Narcissistic Relationship | LIVESTRONG.COM Many resources exist. It just takes a bit of time to grasp the concept. Inner lack of self esteem, false ego and the massive need for narcissistic feed. Good luck with it.
Author dumbass101 Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 Yes, its more addiction than love. Addiction of the mask rather than what turned out to be underneath. She's still a person though so I hope she gets treatment. I will let you in on a secret...I work in mental health but it shows we are all capable of being suckers for love. I advised her to get therapy for her narcissism after the split but she won't accept she has a problem.
Balzac Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 In view of your secret share~~you knew the outcome. They can be cunningly charismatic. Sucks to be taken in though. Sorry for your misery.
Author dumbass101 Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 Thanks everyone...its great to see your helpful replies.
not-a-drive-by Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 You need to do NC as hard as it may be. One day at a time. Mark it off a calendar if it helps. And also, the alcohol needs to stop. Who is looking after your two young kids? Do you want them to grow up having an image of a drunk father who was never there for them during their childhood years? Spend more time with them so your mind spends less on your ex. Instead of going through all the trouble to ask her to block your number, why don't you just delete hers? Remove the temptation of dialing her number when you are drunk.
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