So lost right now

[Frayed]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 years. We live together. Her 2 kids love and adore me. Past few months have been really difficult. She's been back and forth on us a lot. One day she thinks were all good and the next she thinks we won't work out. Last night it started up again. We were lying in bed watching a show and out of nowhere she started arguing with me. I simply told her I'm too tired to argue with her and I'm not going to do it. She walked out. Came back later that night and went straight to bed. Woke up today and she told me she wants to break up. She says I'm a great guy and she loves me but this isn't the right relationship for her anymore and that she doesn't know why it's not working out it just isn't. That's the part that gets me. How can she know this isn't the right relationship if she doesn't even know why it's wrong? She says were like a close friendship nowadays and there is no way to get back where we used to be. She mentioned that she's not sure she's in love with me anymore which is another thing that messes with me because my feelings for her as strong as ever. Money has been really tight and we've been stressed over bills so I'm sure that's playing a part in this as well. I just don't know what to do. How to act around or anything She says were still together till I can find someplace to live and then we are through. Seems like she's already shut the door on us now. It's really breaking my heart though.

 

There's a lot more to things where she is concerned. To make a long story short I believe she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. She hasn't been tested by any means and she won't just from what I have researched online that seems to be something she has. Her mother has mentioned to me before that she thinks my girlfriend has a mood disorder as well.

 

Any advice?

[AlexCross]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 years. We live together. Her 2 kids love and adore me. Past few months have been really difficult. She's been back and forth on us a lot. One day she thinks were all good and the next she thinks we won't work out. Last night it started up again. We were lying in bed watching a show and out of nowhere she started arguing with me. I simply told her I'm too tired to argue with her and I'm not going to do it. She walked out. Came back later that night and went straight to bed. Woke up today and she told me she wants to break up. She says I'm a great guy and she loves me but this isn't the right relationship for her anymore and that she doesn't know why it's not working out it just isn't. That's the part that gets me. How can she know this isn't the right relationship if she doesn't even know why it's wrong? She says were like a close friendship nowadays and there is no way to get back where we used to be. She mentioned that she's not sure she's in love with me anymore which is another thing that messes with me because my feelings for her as strong as ever. Money has been really tight and we've been stressed over bills so I'm sure that's playing a part in this as well. I just don't know what to do. How to act around or anything She says were still together till I can find someplace to live and then we are through. Seems like she's already shut the door on us now. It's really breaking my heart though.

 

There's a lot more to things where she is concerned. To make a long story short I believe she suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. She hasn't been tested by any means and she won't just from what I have researched online that seems to be something she has. Her mother has mentioned to me before that she thinks my girlfriend has a mood disorder as well.

 

Any advice?

 

You certainly cant change her mind. Give her space. And dont be surprised if another man is involved. Her provoking fights and going back and forth with wanting to be with you is a tell tale sign of cheating.

[Frayed]

That's one of the things I'm worried about is that there may be someone else involved. She says there isn't. She says she's been cheated on a few times and knows how it feels and she wouldn't want to do that to me. She says she would rather end things now than keep it up and us both be miserable.

 

How do I give her space when we live together?

 

I just really don't see the problems in our relationship. From my standpoint everything seems good and this stuff going on really shouldn't be an issue. She says on a platonic level she is happy but on a romantic level she says she's not. I give her flowers. Make things for her. Tell her how much I love her and how beautiful I think she is but nothing really seems good enough for her.

[Balzac]

I'd be finding a new residence as quickly as possible. You've not been specific about the finincial challenges being co-mingled income/debt but she's clearly decided to go it alone.

 

Much discussion history on BPD on LS so read for yourself.

I'm guessing you've lived through more misery and volatility than you've shared here.

 

Google Marsha Linehan

Edited August 18, 2012 by Balzac

[chphan]

 

I just really don't see the problems in our relationship. From my standpoint everything seems good and this stuff going on really shouldn't be an issue. She says on a platonic level she is happy but on a romantic level she says she's not. I give her flowers. Make things for her. Tell her how much I love her and how beautiful I think she is but nothing really seems good enough for her.

 

That's the thing, she's not in love with you no more even though you still are with her. That's how things are sometimes, love becoming a 1 way street. And that's how break up happens.

Sooner or later you going to have to be a man about it and let her go or else you just going to make her miserable which in turn will have her take it out on you.

Stop looking at things from your standpoint and start looking at things from her stand point.

[Frayed]

I'd be finding a new residence as quickly as possible. You've not been specific about the finincial challenges being co-mingled income/debt but she's clearly decided to go it alone.

 

Much discussion history on BPD on LS so read for yourself.

I'm guessing you've lived through more misery and volatility than you've shared here.

 

Google Marsha Linehan

 

It's been quite a ride. I've lost a majority of my friends because things got to where I couldn't go out without her texting me wanting to argue. That's my plan tonight actually. I feel like staying here and talking to her about this stuff but I'm not. I'm going to go hang out with a friend. There has been a lot that has gone on outside of that that has really impacted me over the past couple of years. You are right I have been through a lot more than I have written out.

 

She hasn't even thought about bills yet I know. She makes more money than I do but I handle the majority of bills because she's horrible with money. I mean she makes $1200 every other week and by the monday after payday she's broke so I end up having to pay for all the gas as well so she can get to work.

[Frayed]

That's the thing, she's not in love with you no more even though you still are with her. That's how things are sometimes, love becoming a 1 way street. And that's how break up happens.

Sooner or later you going to have to be a man about it and let her go or else you just going to make her miserable which in turn will have her take it out on you.

Stop looking at things from your standpoint and start looking at things from her stand point.

 

Well she says she still loves me. It's one of those I love you but not in love with you types of deals. It's really painful to hear.

 

I'm trying to look at things from her standpoint but it's just really hard to do so. I just keep thinking things can be worked out which I could very well be wrong about.

 

Right now my plan is to start hanging out with my friends again and look for a place to live. I don't want to let her go but if she doesn't want me there I can't stay either. Which is another thing that really hurts. I have a friend that is supposed to be kicking his roommate out at the end of the month so I'm thinking about talking to him and seeing if I can rent the spare room from him.

 

Which I have to admit that in the back of my mind I'm really hoping that if I find my own place and stop being around so much and stop focusing on things around the house that need done and stop paying attention to her (as hard as that will be) that it will snap her back to her senses about what we have between us.

Edited August 18, 2012 by Frayed

[Radu]

That's one of the things I'm worried about is that there may be someone else involved. She says there isn't. She says she's been cheated on a few times and knows how it feels and she wouldn't want to do that to me. She says she would rather end things now than keep it up and us both be miserable.

How do I give her space when we live together?

 

I just really don't see the problems in our relationship. From my standpoint everything seems good and this stuff going on really shouldn't be an issue. She says on a platonic level she is happy but on a romantic level she says she's not. I give her flowers. Make things for her. Tell her how much I love her and how beautiful I think she is but nothing really seems good enough for her.

 

You mean like how she is doing now ?

 

Leave, it's that simple.

 

Giving her flowers is the wrong way to go if you want a Reconciliation as well.

Best course of action for both break-up and reconcilition is doing the 180.

 

Is she at 30 or around that ?

Pick up a copy of Women's Infidelity by Michelle something.

[Frayed]

You mean like how she is doing now ?

 

Leave, it's that simple.

 

Giving her flowers is the wrong way to go if you want a Reconciliation as well.

Best course of action for both break-up and reconcilition is doing the 180.

 

Is she at 30 or around that ?

Pick up a copy of Women's Infidelity by Michelle something.

 

like how she is doing now? I'm sorry my brain isn't functioning at it's full strength at the moment. That's my plan is to leave. I've just got to find a place to live first is all. I don't know how to act around her until I can. Even before when she's mentioned us breaking up our relationship has remained very physical. Which has always confused me. I mean if I didn't want to be with someone I would cut them off all the way around. Physically and emotionally. I figure in a couple of days we will be back to her acting like nothing is wrong. Giving her flowers and such was prior to her flat out saying she wants to break up. It was just some of the stuff I've always done just trying to let her know that i appreciate and care about her.

 

She just turned 32 this year. I'm 34. Why you ask?

 

I used to have that book somewhere around. A few years ago I was married and had a cheating wife and picked up that book to try to help me out some.

 

Michelle Langley is the author of Women's Infedelity

 

Michelle Weiner Davis is the author of The Divorce Remedy (that's the one I had that talked about 180's) although I never really could quite get it down.

Edited August 18, 2012 by Frayed

[Radu]

like how she is doing now? I'm sorry my brain isn't functioning at it's full strength at the moment.

She told you she would rather end the relationship than cheat.

She is picking fights with you over minor ****, pushing you away, breaking up with you.

 

That's my plan is to leave. I've just got to find a place to live first is all. I don't know how to act around her until I can. Even before when she's mentioned us breaking up our relationship has remained very physical. Which has always confused me.

What do you mean before ?

She threatened break-up before ?

The BU stuff is like the A-Bomb, both have it but nobody uses it because they know the other party takes it seriously.

Mature normal ppl don't go around saying the BU stuff and then recanting on it constantly.

Doing something like this is either a sign of insecurity, or an attempt at manipulation.

 

I mean if I didn't want to be with someone I would cut them off all the way around. Physically and emotionally. I figure in a couple of days we will be back to her acting like nothing is wrong. Giving her flowers and such was prior to her flat out saying she wants to break up. It was just some of the stuff I've always done just trying to let her know that i appreciate and care about her.

So how many times has she treatened BU before ?

 

She just turned 32 this year. I'm 34. Why you ask?

 

I used to have that book somewhere around. A few years ago I was married and had a cheating wife and picked up that book to try to help me out some.

 

Michelle Langley is the author of Women's Infedelity

 

Michelle Weiner Davis is the author of The Divorce Remedy (that's the one I had that talked about 180's) although I never really could quite get it down.

It's a good book and it puts emphasis not on biological changes but on social conditioning, that's the real message in that book.

It offers a good description of an external factor that influences the woman in the relationship and her inability to communicate to her man in his language what is wrong, or just plain unwillingness to communicate.

With time because nothing changes, and because the woman needs to not feel bad [we all have a self-defense mechanism of our ego], she starts feeling like the man is to blame for those feelings, and she slowly starts resenting him.

Without actually understanding the process, the man becomes in about 1yr the object of pure hatred and an impediment to her.

Edited August 18, 2012 by Radu

[Frayed]

She told you she would rather end the relationship than cheat.

She is picking fights with you over minor ****, pushing you away, breaking up with you.

 

What do you mean before ?

She threatened break-up before ?

The BU stuff is like the A-Bomb, both have it but nobody uses it because they know the other party takes it seriously.

Mature normal ppl don't go around saying the BU stuff and then recanting on it constantly.

Doing something like this is either a sign of insecurity, or an attempt at manipulation.

 

So how many times has she treatened BU before ?

 

It's a good book and it puts emphasis not on biological changes but on social conditioning, that's the real message in that book.

It offers a good description of an external factor that influences the woman in the relationship and her inability to communicate to her man in his language what is wrong, or just plain unwillingness to communicate.

With time because nothing changes, and because the woman needs to not feel bad [we all have a self-defense mechanism of our ego], she starts feeling like the man is to blame for those feelings, and she slowly starts resenting him.

Without actually understanding the process, the man becomes in about 1yr the object of pure hatred and an impediment to her.

 

She's never directly said break up before. The past few months when this stuff has happened it's been basically her wondering if we were meant for long term. Other than a couple of weeks ago she was seriously talking about it and did everything but say it. She said she didn't want to do it because she didn't want to hurt me. I don't really know how many conversations we've had the past few months about her wondering about it. Which that last a couple of days and we were back to normal.

 

I think she gets really scared at spending her life with one person. Her parents had an unhappy marriage growing up and recently got divorced so I wonder if that affects her as well. She says she gets scared that life will become mundane and boring. She says she doesn't think she's capable of an "agape" relationship. She says once the honeymoon phase is over she starts losing interest and will spend months trying to figure out what is going on and trying to tell herself that she's wrong before she finally says anything.

 

With her I'm inclined to think it's both. Immature and manipulating.

 

I agree to what you posted up there about the woman unable to communicate in the man's language. She has mentioned before that we speak different languages.

 

One thing that aggravates me is she says when she mentions this stuff I will blow it off and not take it seriously. Which is wrong. Everytime she has ever mentioned it I go into panic mode until she starts acting like normal towards me again. Then I start settling back into the relationship.

 

I'm really thinking of going ahead and taking the bills out of my name and letting her put them in her's. She will have to hurry up and get her bills paid off so she can transfer services but I think this is a time for me to start being a bit of an a*s. I mean normally I'm very easy going and non confrontational but I'm tired of her doing this crap to me. I'm a person with feelings as well and she doesn't seem to give two craps about how I feel.

 

Like tonight originally we were supposed to go to a birthday party for a friend but then this crap happened and all of a sudden she's not going and going out with her mom and sister instead simply because she says she needs away from me. So I don't know who she planned on watching the girls. I'm going out tonight as well which she didn't know at the time. If she wants to break up with me these kids are all her responsibility and not mine to watch. I love the girls but if were splitting I've got to cut those ties as well.

[InJest]

Time to start cutting the cord. Taking your name off the bills is a good first step, and you should start pressing for it asap.