help

[GUEST]

my girlfriend and i broke up about a month ago after dateing for a year cause she sayed i was 2 jealous and she knew she wanted to be with me but did not want to have the same issue happen again. For the past week or so we have been spending time together she says she wants to go back to seeing each other without commitment. Well she cant say "i love you anymore but sometimes its like it was before we broke up and sometimes she lets its slip and says i love you, we slept together about 2 days ago and she was like that was amazing and so on and so forth aos it was kinda like we were back together but then she gets kinda distant again. All she does is sleep and is always tired, And when i tell her i trust her and so on she explodes and is like i think your just telling me that cause i want to hear it i dont believe you and its gonna take me along time to believe it thats why we are not together. I dont understand what is happening i keep giving her chances to leave but she does not take them then i spend the night at her house and she does not want to see em for 2 days because she wants to "chill with some friends" but yet she says she has no plans i dont understabnd what to do can anyone help me

[uriel]

Well -- I'll tell it to you straight. This girl loves you, but she's been burned. She felt you were too jealous and controlling. When a girl feels that way, it's not just that her relationship with the guy becomes troubled. It's that she feels like she's not free to be herself anymore: she's being monitored, watched, suppressed, held back, controlled. The relationship becomes a prison and the guy a warden. She resents being put in the prison and resents the guy for doing it to her, even more if she felt it was totally unjustified.

 

So, this girl wants to be with you, but she doesn't trust you not to reassume your warden role and try to get her back into that emotional prison. She wants -- no, she needs for her own mental health -- to stay out. There's a lot at stake for her in that. She wants and needs to be a whole person -- who she is -- even more than she needs you or the feelings you two share. It's that basic.

 

If you want a chance at being with her exclusively again, you are going to have to slowly earn her trust. Not through fancy talk or flowers or whatever. You'll earn her trust through behaving differently. You'll only be able to do that -- once your fear of losing her again begins to wear off -- if you can manage to think differently.

 

Already you are annoyed / worried that she's setting boundaries and seeking her own activities / interests apart from you. That's not a good sign for positive change on your part. She's her own person -- why shouldn't she wait a couple days without talking and go hang out with friends? Does she have to be joined to you like a siamese twin?

 

Consider: 1-What are you insecure about? How can you think differently about yourself in order to be more at ease? 2-Why are you so afraid of getting hurt in this way that you are heading it off at the pass?

 

-- uriel