"I can't be in a relationship..." Should I push for answers...or just let it go?

[Pogona]

So I was dating this girl for about 3 months. I met her at a sports bar watching a hockey game, and we hit it off right away. We closed the bar down, my friends and hers all left us there talking, and when I walked her to her car we ended up sharing a passionate kiss that just sort of happened so naturally.

 

The next 3 months were pretty great. She started things off with a bang, and within the first month and a half I had met all of her immediate family and most of her friends. We were seeing each other at least twice a week almost right away. This was a little unsettling to me at first, because this was my first relationship after being dumped by my fiance. However, I eventually decided to not let fear and bitterness get in the way of a good thing, and I let my guard down and met her enthusiasm with my own.

 

A quick note: She told me pretty much right from the beginning that she was going to be moving to a new city soon, but it was only 1 hour away and we both agreed that we could and wanted to keep things going after that.

 

Things were still good for a while. I long ago realized that it would have been a terrible idea to marry my ex-fiance, but this relationship just felt so different. This girl was a very good-hearted, down-to-earth person in a way that I had never experienced before. She really brought me into her circle of friends and family, all great people as well, and made me feel so welcome.

 

Around the two month mark, I started to do the same with her, and introduce her to more of my friends and family. I started to consider this a "real" relationship, rather than just dating.

 

Shortly after that, things started to get strange. She began complaining of emotional problems, sometimes of being depressed but also of feeling "numb and empty inside." She cried sometimes. I thought at the time that it was triggered by the stresses in her life. The move, her searching for a new job, and various family problems. The girl did have a lot of stressful stuff going on. According to her, the stress brought up some old emotional problems, which apparently stem from her parent's failed and tumultuous marriage. She had told me a bit about that near the start of the relationship. I tried to be supportive, to let her know I cared and that I wanted to help, but it didn't seem to do any good.

 

In the last week before her big move, things got REALLY strange. She still wanted to go out and do things with me, would even initiate sometimes, but when we were together she would be very distant. Conversation was like pulling teeth, where I struggled to get her to participate. I even mentioned to a friend of mine that I thought I was about to get dumped.

 

2 days before the move, I get the call. "I just can't be in a relationship right now." Her reasons were that she's going through a very stressful time and that it was really hard on her, but also that she's not sure if she can handle a healthy relationship. She cried a bit during the call, and said that she was sorry about a hundred times, but it only lasted 20 minutes at most. The timing was pretty awful for me too, and she had to know it was, since I was working on my thesis at the time and she dumped me 4 days before my defense. This has left me with a LOT of unanswered questions, such as "What the hell was so awful that she felt she HAD to break it off at just that time?"

 

So it's been almost 2 weeks of NC, and I'm starting to feel the need to call her and push for some answers. I'm confused by a lot of things. Was all this emotional stuff the whole truth? Was she just not very into the relationship and felt guilty about breaking up, so she used that as a bit of a scapegoat? Was it triggered by us starting to get more serious? Did she just change her mind or lose interest after I opened myself up to the relationship? Did we move too fast? I'm inclined to take her at her word, but we all know that "I can't be in a relationship" is very often a form of "It's not you, it's me." And that is almost always a lie.

 

Her blaming this mostly on emotional problems has kept my hope somewhat alive that she is going to call me one day. But if that's not ever going to happen because she felt we just weren't right for each other, then I want to know. Because experience has taught me that hope just keeps the pain fresh. If some of these answers can kill that hope, and allow me to accept reality, I might actually get some closure out of this.

 

Should I try to call her and get some of these answers? Should I casually contact her in a few months and see if I can get some clarification? Am I better off just keeping up NC...forever?

 

Help me out here if you can. This is my first post here, but mostly because I've never felt so confused about a relationship before. I really liked this girl, and yes, if she called me I would take her back in a heartbeat.

 

TL;DR: Please read it. But if you really can't, then the short version is that a girl under a lot of stress abruptly breaks off a good 3 month relationship because she says she "can't be in a relationship right now." Do I take this at face value, or do I push for some of the answers I feel might be there?

[outofgoodbyes]

i went thru pretty much the entire same thing with the last guy i dated.

 

i broke nc to get closure. i asked him the truth and he told me he just didnt want to be in a relationship with me but did all those bf/gf stuff because he was comfortable with me. i would advise the same only because id rather know and move on, than sit there in nc trying to figure out what exactly went wrong...

[Balzac]

Look at it this way, you're intelligent enough to successfully defend your thesis, you understand scientific method. She told you her situation. If you're into fixing people, moving on advice from a public forum will not sway you.

 

Embrace the situation, move into the vast market of beautiful girls that are available.

 

What kinda girl causes emotional drama for a guy days before a huge academic defense? That's a deal breaker in my book.

[Pogona]

This was only 3 months, she said she doesn't want a relationship and dumped you. Pretty clear and straight forward, if you ask me.

 

Do you not believe her?

 

It's not necessarily that I don't believe she doesn't want a relationship. You're right, that much is clear. What I guess I want to know is, was she honest about the reasons why? Because the reasons she gave do give me hope...and I don't want hope right now. I've done this before, I know that hope can kill. I suspect that I might not have gotten the whole truth, and that is also eating me up inside.

 

Look at it this way, you're intelligent enough to successfully defend your thesis, you understand scientific method. She told you her situation. If you're into fixing people, moving on advice from a public forum will not sway you.

 

Embrace the situation, move into the vast market of beautiful girls that are available.

 

What kinda girl causes emotional drama for a guy days before a huge academic defense? That's a deal breaker in my book.

 

I can tell you read more than the TL;DR. You have my sincere thanks for that. Indeed, doing this right before my defense was not cool. I passed it, but only by emotionally deferring the whole break-up until after (still not totally sure how I did that, I have to admit I was sort of proud of myself). Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Pretty much screwed up all the celebrating I was planning to do.

 

Part of what confuses me is that I would totally not have expected that from this girl. My ex-fiance, sure, she was a bit of a vindictive bitch. But for this girl to do that seemed totally out of character, even if she was going through a rough time. And that has just reinforced my feeling that there's more going on here than I was told about.

[Pogona]

For various reasons you listed and some you are not aware of...

 

That's all true, and thanks for it. It's just that I've been through break ups before, but never one with so little closure as this one. That's making it hard to move on.

 

Just out of curiosity though, what do you mean by "some you are not aware of..."?

Edited August 18, 2012 by Pogona

[Balzac]

Oomph I feel your pain. Consider this woman as a non-responder data point in your vast data mining! Often we are unable to conclude why we get a null set it non-responder. You've got enough data to know that it's a deal breaker.

 

Congrats on your thesis defense. Waaaay sorry the celebratory mood was FUBAR. You'll do better to feel the pain, consider query moot and be glad you dodged a bullet. Hang in there.

 

Are you done w academic pursuits or moving on to the next level?

[Pogona]

Thanks Balzac. I'm taking some time off from academia for now, decided to just get a job and see how much I like that. I'll tell you what, it pays a lot more! I have a few good career paths I think I might investigate, one of which is going back to school for my PhD. I'm totally out of school for the first time in my life, and that is a little scary to be honest.

 

I think that's part of the reason this hit me so hard; I'm in such a transitional phase of my life and it would have been nice to have someone I cared about and who cared about me. I really thought she was a good, stable person. Turns out I was wrong.

 

I know that contacting her would be a terrible idea, and I even know that getting back together with her wouldn't be smart. After all, what guarantee do I have that she wouldn't just flake out again, maybe after wasting even more of my time, like a year? But I'm still in the mindset where knowing all that doesn't matter too much. I still can't make myself really believe that I'm never going to see or talk to her again. That idea just seems so strange to me. I miss her terribly, and I know that might be insane after just 3 months, but I really did think she was special. I hope I'm wrong, and I probably am, but it just doesn't seem that way right now.

 

Oh well. I guess the conclusion I'll take from this is to keep up NC for now. Thanks for helping me stay strong everyone.

[Jennifer2012]

This is a tough situation because she broke things off with you while under a lot of stress--so from what you describe it was a very emotional decision. Perhaps you'd feel totally differently if she had said something like, "You know, I've really given this a lot of thought and I don't feel that being in a relationship is something I can do right now." That would have shown consideration and respect for the relationship the two of you had built over the months. So no wonder you feel things are so unresolved. It's also incredibly selfish and not supportive to break up with you before your defense.

 

If you genuinely care about her as a person, I don't see any harm in reaching out to see how she's doing. However, I would not approach this with the hope of reestablishing a relationship. So you really have to be over her before you reach out.

 

Would you really want to be with someone that makes snap, emotional decisions without any regard for you?

[Pogona]

This is a tough situation because she broke things off with you while under a lot of stress--so from what you describe it was a very emotional decision. Perhaps you'd feel totally differently if she had said something like, "You know, I've really given this a lot of thought and I don't feel that being in a relationship is something I can do right now." That would have shown consideration and respect for the relationship the two of you had built over the months. So no wonder you feel things are so unresolved. It's also incredibly selfish and not supportive to break up with you before your defense.

 

This sums things up pretty well actually. Posting this and reading the responses has crystallized a feeling I had almost from the beginning, but hadn't really faced directly until now. Namely, the idea that our 3 months together meant much less to her than it did to me if she could break things off with so little consideration, and that if true, that would be worse for me than the break-up itself.

 

She told me it meant a lot to her, and that she cared about me. But actions speak louder than words. I want to believe what she told me, but it's for this reason that I'm having a hard time doing that.

 

I wake up thinking about her a lot still. I woke up today wondering if I had just been a diversion for the 3 months before her move, and that is the worst I've felt since we broke up. Once I started to rationally think about it I decided that's probably not the case, since I don't think she would have brought me in so close to her friends and family if it was (her sister and her nephews freaking loved me).

 

But the question I keep coming back to is, if she really cared, why act the way she did? And I guess that means she probably didn't. That's what I really want to find out, why I want to contact her. But I probably won't get any of the answers that I'm looking for anyway.

 

I do feel like I still care about her. But if she really doesn't care about me, then I don't know if she's worth it. Maybe if one day I'm really over it, I could look her up and try to strike up a friendship. Has that ever worked for anyone?

 

This thread has helped a lot. You're all awesome for indulging me here in my little pity party. I'm gonna bookmark this thread so that if I ever falter or get down about it again, I can read this and remind myself of the things I learned here.

Edited August 19, 2012 by Pogona

[Jennifer2012]

I don't think you should question the genuineness of the relationship you guys first had. I bet you did mean a lot to her at the time--in those first three months. However, feelings can change. A considerate and caring person would have handled this situation differently when that happened. They would have dealt with this more maturely rather than just spontaneously breaking things off without giving you a real reason or talking things through. And don't you deserve that? You were really invested in this.

 

It may take you time to start feeling better and moving on, but you will eventually. And hopefully your next relationship will be with someone who appreciates and respects your feelings too :-)