GotYourBackJack Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Hello everyone, I’m new to the forums and don’t usually use forums, but this problem has got me stumped and I feel that I need some help from both sides (guys and girls). This is a long read, but please bear with me. So I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over 2 years now off and on. We’ve had our problems, but have come back together and we were happier than ever. Our most recent problem occurred after we had broken up, but was in the process of getting back together. She was messaged by and old fling asking how she was and her response jumped right to saying she was completely unattached and practically threw herself at the guy (to put it into context of us getting back together, the night before she threw herself at this guy she messaged me saying “I love you, I’m 100% committed to you and you’re the only guy for me”). Needless to say, I broke off all contact and felt like I was ready to move on. A couple months later she comes back on hands and knees, apologizing for everything, admits to being a complete idiot, assures me that nothing physical happened with the guy and promises me the world for a 2nd chance. I was still absolutely crazy about the girl and figured I’d take things slow and see if I could trust her again. In the end, I felt that she meant what she said and I could trust her again so we are back to dating. My girlfriends relationship and sex history has always been somewhat promiscuous to me. She use to sleep around a lot with a kill count over 15 (mine’s only 3, for all you double standard critics out there), history of cheating multiple times, multiple f*** friends and even while we were dating, flirting with guys at the bar and using the classic line of “Yah, but look who I came home with”. This has always sparked my jealousy. For the last 2 years I’ve been told that this was a dark part of her past that she was not proud of it. She wanted to put it all behind her and she wanted to be more respected by guys. She said that she wanted to be with a guy that looked after her and looked at her for the kind of person she was and not how easy she was. She also said that if we didn’t work out, she wasn’t going to make the same mistakes and was going to make sure that the next guy she slept with, earned it and deserved to be with her. I admired that and admired the fact that she wants better for herself and wanted to reshape her future in a positive way. This admiration was shaken when we broke up the last time, because I heard of not only the guy she left me for, but several others that she was flirting with while talking to this guy. My answer to that when we got back together was “I was just trying to get over you and find someone to fill your place”. I took that answer as being somewhat flattered and thought nothing more of it. So now my issue is this... The other night, we got into an argument about when she went after the other guy because of something that was brought up. The result of the argument had us talking about our perception of sex. Now to start off, I’m 27 and she’s 22, so there’s a bit of a generation gap. I see myself as somewhat old fashioned in the fact that I see sex as a symbol of love and emotion between 2 partners. I also do see sex as a form of enjoyment and agree that my “old school” logic is somewhat out dated. I myself admire and respect a girl with strong morals about her sex life. I don’t think there’s anything sexier than a girl that will make sure a guy deserves to share that connection with her and should make a man work to prove himself to her. On the other hand, I don’t judge girls that don’t share that same idea. In this situation, my girlfriend made the statement that if we weren’t dating “If I’m horny, I’m going to go out and F*** whoever in the hell I want. It’s my body and I can do whatever in the hell I want with it” Again, I don’t judge girls that share this logic. Hell, I have girl friends that will say stuff like that to me and I say “RIGHT ON!!! You go girl!!!” lol, but coming from the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, that statement made me sick to my stomach. I’ve spent the last 2 years thinking that my girlfriend shared the same morals as me when she confessed her “dark past”, but this argument has came out and slapped me across the face with “I knew what I was doing when I did it, and you can be damn sure I’m willing to do it again”. She still stands by the fact that I have nothing to worry about, because she’s fully committed to being with me for the rest of her life (and I do truly believe that), but in the end, I don’t know what to think of her as a future wife anymore. I love her and am crazy about her, but I don’t know if I can be with someone that doesn’t see having sex with someone as more than just “something that happens when you’re horny, no matter who it’s with”. This just doesn’t make her come across as “long-term” or “marriage material” to me anymore. I don’t want to have a daughter raised by a mother that will teach her to go sleep around when she’s 13 because it’s her body and she can do what she wants with it. I want someone who shares my same morals and is willing to fight for them. Sorry for the long post, but I’m hoping I can get some good advice from both guys and girls on this. I love the girl and I really want to be with her so I’m trying to be objective and if my “old school” way of thinking is a thing of the past, I’m willing to look at ways to change. I just don’t want to leave her thinking that she’s thinking about sleeping with other guys while she’s with me, but really, she’s made that commitment to me and I’m just overreacting about all this... Should I stay or should I go? Thanks for any advice I get.
AlexCross Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Hello everyone, I’m new to the forums and don’t usually use forums, but this problem has got me stumped and I feel that I need some help from both sides (guys and girls). This is a long read, but please bear with me. So I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over 2 years now off and on. We’ve had our problems, but have come back together and we were happier than ever. Our most recent problem occurred after we had broken up, but was in the process of getting back together. She was messaged by and old fling asking how she was and her response jumped right to saying she was completely unattached and practically threw herself at the guy (to put it into context of us getting back together, the night before she threw herself at this guy she messaged me saying “I love you, I’m 100% committed to you and you’re the only guy for me”). Needless to say, I broke off all contact and felt like I was ready to move on. A couple months later she comes back on hands and knees, apologizing for everything, admits to being a complete idiot, assures me that nothing physical happened with the guy and promises me the world for a 2nd chance. I was still absolutely crazy about the girl and figured I’d take things slow and see if I could trust her again. In the end, I felt that she meant what she said and I could trust her again so we are back to dating. My girlfriends relationship and sex history has always been somewhat promiscuous to me. She use to sleep around a lot with a kill count over 15 (mine’s only 3, for all you double standard critics out there), history of cheating multiple times, multiple f*** friends and even while we were dating, flirting with guys at the bar and using the classic line of “Yah, but look who I came home with”. This has always sparked my jealousy. For the last 2 years I’ve been told that this was a dark part of her past that she was not proud of it. She wanted to put it all behind her and she wanted to be more respected by guys. She said that she wanted to be with a guy that looked after her and looked at her for the kind of person she was and not how easy she was. She also said that if we didn’t work out, she wasn’t going to make the same mistakes and was going to make sure that the next guy she slept with, earned it and deserved to be with her. I admired that and admired the fact that she wants better for herself and wanted to reshape her future in a positive way. This admiration was shaken when we broke up the last time, because I heard of not only the guy she left me for, but several others that she was flirting with while talking to this guy. My answer to that when we got back together was “I was just trying to get over you and find someone to fill your place”. I took that answer as being somewhat flattered and thought nothing more of it. So now my issue is this... The other night, we got into an argument about when she went after the other guy because of something that was brought up. The result of the argument had us talking about our perception of sex. Now to start off, I’m 27 and she’s 22, so there’s a bit of a generation gap. I see myself as somewhat old fashioned in the fact that I see sex as a symbol of love and emotion between 2 partners. I also do see sex as a form of enjoyment and agree that my “old school” logic is somewhat out dated. I myself admire and respect a girl with strong morals about her sex life. I don’t think there’s anything sexier than a girl that will make sure a guy deserves to share that connection with her and should make a man work to prove himself to her. On the other hand, I don’t judge girls that don’t share that same idea. In this situation, my girlfriend made the statement that if we weren’t dating “If I’m horny, I’m going to go out and F*** whoever in the hell I want. It’s my body and I can do whatever in the hell I want with it” Again, I don’t judge girls that share this logic. Hell, I have girl friends that will say stuff like that to me and I say “RIGHT ON!!! You go girl!!!” lol, but coming from the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, that statement made me sick to my stomach. I’ve spent the last 2 years thinking that my girlfriend shared the same morals as me when she confessed her “dark past”, but this argument has came out and slapped me across the face with “I knew what I was doing when I did it, and you can be damn sure I’m willing to do it again”. She still stands by the fact that I have nothing to worry about, because she’s fully committed to being with me for the rest of her life (and I do truly believe that), but in the end, I don’t know what to think of her as a future wife anymore. I love her and am crazy about her, but I don’t know if I can be with someone that doesn’t see having sex with someone as more than just “something that happens when you’re horny, no matter who it’s with”. This just doesn’t make her come across as “long-term” or “marriage material” to me anymore. I don’t want to have a daughter raised by a mother that will teach her to go sleep around when she’s 13 because it’s her body and she can do what she wants with it. I want someone who shares my same morals and is willing to fight for them. Sorry for the long post, but I’m hoping I can get some good advice from both guys and girls on this. I love the girl and I really want to be with her so I’m trying to be objective and if my “old school” way of thinking is a thing of the past, I’m willing to look at ways to change. I just don’t want to leave her thinking that she’s thinking about sleeping with other guys while she’s with me, but really, she’s made that commitment to me and I’m just overreacting about all this... Should I stay or should I go? Thanks for any advice I get. She is a serial cheater. She even cheated on you while you were dating. Run the other way. You can do better. She needs men to validate her self esteem. Girls like that do not change over night. 1
Author GotYourBackJack Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 She is a serial cheater. She even cheated on you while you were dating. Run the other way. You can do better. She needs men to validate her self esteem. Girls like that do not change over night. For clarification, she never cheated on ME while we were dating... just in her past relationships. I've always looked at it as a big red flag tho, but like I said, I saw it as all being in her "dark past". But what was said the other night about her perception of sex with random guys, says to me that she doesn't see that dark past as being so "dark" anymore... That has me worried :s
AlexCross Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 For clarification, she never cheated on ME while we were dating... just in her past relationships. I've always looked at it as a big red flag tho, but like I said, I saw it as all being in her "dark past". But what was said the other night about her perception of sex with random guys, says to me that she doesn't see that dark past as being so "dark" anymore... That has me worried :s Her past is her past, as long as she is clean thats all that matters. I do think she acted like a skank, but that is my opinion, if she is proud of what she did, then kudos to her and if you can accept that, you are a better man then I am. I would be more concerned about the cheating. Really concerned.
Balzac Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 From reading your values statement, clearly you have compromised them for this girl. Change your values or change the girl. Who shares kill counts anyway?
AlexCross Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 From reading your values statement, clearly you have compromised them for this girl. Change your values or change the girl. Who shares kill counts anyway? Insecure, immature people who have zero social skills and are immature and tactless.
Balzac Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Ad Hominem arguments are impotent. Carry on as you are so inclined.
salparadise Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Flirting with other guys at a bar while she's with you? Saying our relationship notwithstanding, “If I’m horny, I’m going to go out and F*** whoever in the hell I want. It’s my body and I can do whatever in the hell I want with it”. Then saying she didn't do anything physical while you were broken up for 2 months, although you heard about stuff involving this guy and others? I think you really need to take a step back and figure out who she is aside from your attraction and sexual involvement if you're looking for a wifey type. She sounds like a lifetime drama to me. I don't see this as a generational gap so much as just different values. Perhaps her values will change as she matures, but then you aren't taking her to raise are you? From my perspective, if you want what you say you want, and given her history and statements, you have to figure out where she is on the integrity, dedication, truthfulness, and congruency scales. If she ranks high then she may be able to make the adjustments. If she ranks low then she will simply find some justification for doing what (who) she wants and it will of course be your fault. So it's not about her kill number, it's about how solid she is in the integrity department. Real integrity is not doing right because you're afraid of getting caught––it's doing right because it's the right thing to do. Figure out where she is on this distinction and you'll have your answer I believe.
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