Lovesickbro Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 (edited) (this is a long and complex situation, just read the 1st and 2nd and last 2 paragraphs if can't be bothered reading the whole thing) Hi, basically this girl I used to work with, we started liking each other from Nov 2011. She's quite shy, so it took a few month to figure each other out, but we started dating from Jan 2012 onwards. Occasionally we would have disagreements and arguements, but we always talked and worked them out and felt closer afterwards. However, in beginning of June, she found out our age difference (she's 19 and I'm 30). She always thought I was 23-25ish coz I look young, and I never really knew she didn't know I was 30. So 3 weeks after she found out (June 20), we met up and she said the gap is too big for her to accept right now and she's just not comfortable being together, but when I asked if her decision is final, she said its not. She said she wants to remain friends, but I said I don't know if I want to. We kinda parted but kept in some touch. A few days later when she was tipsy in a club with her friends, she kept trying to call me. I didn't pickup coz I was asleep. We got together to talk a few days later, and she told me she called because she really missed me and wanted to tell me how much she liked me and wished I was there. During our mostly pleasant 4hr talk that night, she said she wanted to keep in touch but not too much because she's afraid she will keep feeling too attached to me. And also said I have to be the one to initiate contact. I thought that was totally unfair and I didn't really agree to it. The talk ended and we parted awkwardly. We've been in some but not heavy sms contact for almost 2 months, until we went to a work party August 10. It was a very awkward night and we didn't really talk too naturally. She was cold and I thought she was fully over me. It felt awful so I asked her to come out that sunday so I can provide some closure for me and her. I basically told her that I still liked her, and it hurts me alot we can't be together, but that I got to continue on with my life and if there really is nothing left, I will let her go and move on. She didn't agree directly to it, and gave reasons why we were awkward at the party (first time we saw each other since things ended awkwardly in july). She also said she wasn't over me yet, and acted cold coz she thought I was over her already, and there was many times she missed me and wanted to txt me but forced herself not to. Also said that if I let her go and move on with another girl, she will accept it but will be very upset because she feels she will lose something very very amazing. But then she said she still can't accept the age thing right now, but she doesn't want to cut me off so she wants me to make the decision if I want to eliminate all contact or keep talking to her as a friend. She said she will always reply to me but doesn't want to initiate contact to "avoid feeling attached". I told her I need some time before I can decide. Since then she has initiated contact twice, including a txt ending with "xo" which she hasn't ever written before. Just last night we spoke on the phone for 2 hrs, and it got a bit weird at the end coz I told her "I can't accept the 2 options you gave me, so the decision I made is that I just wana follow what my heart tells me to do" She replied if I keep pushing her, its gona make her uncomfortable. Conversation stalled abit after that, I thought it was all over, but then she suddenly said if I wana talk about it she will come out and talk, which we agreed to be tomorrow. All this time, she has stressed that this whole being apart thing is not what she wanted, and that she never really 'finally decided' to be apart, but she just feels like it doesn't feel right to be together right now due to the age gap. But then she keeps telling me to contact her whenever I want to talk and when I do, she always replies very fast and happily. Her conflicting behaviour is driving me nuts, and I seriously don't know what exactly she wants. Edited August 18, 2012 by Lovesickbro
salmagundi Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Wow, your girlfriend sounds like a total flake. I honestly don't think the problem is you being 30. Its her being 19. A ten year age gap is nothing. I've hardly ever dated a girl that wasn't around ten years younger (like you I come across as younger than I am). But the thing is, that age gap is age-relative. 19 and 30 is a way bigger bridge to cross than 39 and 28 (like me and my - sort of- ex). She's just too damn young in my opinion to be a serious prospect for a longterm relationship. Even if you sort this out I can almost 100% guarantee you she will go all bat**** gigsy on you soon enough. Hell, maybe that's what she is doing now. As for this back and forth you're doing, she's manipulating you. Not in an evil conscious way but just that way that emotionally immature 19 year olds who don't know what they want will do. She wants to have you in a kind of in between space where you are not together, but you are not too far away either. I think she wants to keep you on the hook, but only until she is sure she is over you and ready to move on. Because seriously, I don't believe this **** about her being uncomfortable about the age gap. That just sounds like another bullshyt excuse right up there with "I need time to find myself." If she was in love with you...for real...she would be rationalizing every which way why the age gap is NOT a big deal. Nothing would stop her. I say let her go, she's a flake. Find someone more compatible. Stay away from 19-23 year olds. Find a woman who is more emotionally stable and mature that you can actually build something with. At least thats my opinion. Good luck:)
Author Lovesickbro Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 Thank you both for your input, the advice you provided is very good and logical, I think I just need to get my head around to accepting its not a good relationship to continue pursuing. I am meeting her this afternoon in 3 hrs time, still thinking about what and how to say haha....
todreaminblue Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 i dotn normally read the comments after a post because it causes bias and I read the comments and most are saying not to pursue this relationship because of the age difference.Most in my family the marriages have had age gaps interestingly enough(for me anyway) the age gap relationships have lasted till death the relationships closest to age have not lasted.I think it isnt an age thing i think it is a matter f life direction if you meet on a path going the same way with the same values and the same drive it doesnt matter the age if the girl or guy is mature the youngr one will meet th eolder one in the relationship and provide a fresh perspective and can be a match that works...you have to be going in the same direction and even in closely matched ages this is a problem.So age isn't the factor its more like direction.......if she likes you and you like her then age shouldnt be a factor....i have had opportunities to date younger than what I am since splitting with my ex... but I have not pursued only due to direction and the fact that the men who have wanted to date me who were younger did so for sexual reasons which would be their reasons and nothing really to do with me at all, other than sex.......so common interests is a good starting point to determine a possible relationship and compatability and beliefs..i dont know about ehr being a flake conflicted yes flake no.......good luck with you and yours....deb
Author Lovesickbro Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 (edited) So me and her got together for about 2 hours yesterday and pretty much everything was cleared up. I told her that I felt her reactions have been contradicting and that she still seemed very conflicted about the situation. She finally admitted that she has been reluctant to tell the full story because she feels it's not going to change anything and will just make both me and her feel bad if we keep talking about it. Basically the age gap caught her by surprise too, and she suddenly felt like it just wasn't right because our lives are at different stages. She said she never wanted us to be apart like this, and if I was still in uni (she still has 3 yrs left) then we "would be perfect" together. This didn't make full sense as when we fell inlove, I was already working fulltime (she was part time + studying) and she knew and was fine with it too. She also said that she wished she knew about the age thing beforehand, so that she wouldn't have gone ahead with me and fallen deep into this painful situation. I have been unwilling to face it, but now I realize the truth is that throughout our time together I probably just didn't make her feel comfortable enough that our lives can be aligned and matched better. And the other very painful truth, is she probably didn't like me as much as I liked her, as if she liked me as much as she said she did, then she will be rationalizing the age gap any way she can instead of just giving up so quickly. When we talked about what we should do with each other from now on, I told her what I meant by my decision to "follow my heart" was that I want to keep our interactions open and natural to whatever happens. I did not want it to be set in stone like "eliminate contact" or "can only talk as friends". She agreed it was good option, and so we parted on terms to keep in touch naturally whenever we felt like talking. Although the talk ended on good terms, I can sense that even though she still has feelings for me, she seems so determined she's going to suppress them until they gradually die out and she fully get over me. I can't help but feel a big sense of anguish and pain that there doesn't seem to be any chance for me and her anymore, and that I am going to lose this girl I like so much, forever, as a lover. I know I've told her I wanted to keep things open, and she actually told me to contact her again today to let her know the result of this exam I was taking, but I am now seriously contemplating no contact at all, as I know each time we talk, even if its a pleasant and fun talk, its just going to feel good for a few hours then I will feel completely lost and sad again afterwards. Edited August 20, 2012 by Lovesickbro
Author Lovesickbro Posted October 13, 2012 Author Posted October 13, 2012 Some positive developments lately... Last fri (5th) was my bday, and on wed night (3rd) she initiated contact and we texted casually throughout thurs. On thurs nite she said she would like to come see me on fri after we both finished work to wish happy bday. So she came and we talked inside my car. We hadn't seen each other for 5 weeks. I played it cool, calm, abit cocky and funny, and we had a great time for the first 1hr or so. I can tell she enjoyed it, she had this incredible positive energy and happy vibe to her, when i joked and teased her, she would play with her hair, put her finger in her mouth, turn and look at me with a naughty smile and giggle like a girl being seduced would. She said she can sense I'm much more happier and fun now too. Here's where I think I went wrong.... The second hr, I told her abt this theory my friend told me about which opened my mind and gave me a happier attitude. In short, basically I told her that ideally I'd want to be with her, but since she can't be with me right now, instead of mourning and being miserable about it, I've decided to accept it and live life happily, until either she decides to come back to me or I fall inlove with another girl. After telling her this, she became quiet and seemed to be in deep thought. I then changed the topic and got her to tell me the sweet dream she had about me a few weeks ago. And she did, it was the best dream ever! She was in a trance when she was recalling it to me! Shortly after that, she started touching the crap out of me. She threw herself at me, grabbed my arm and put it around her and told me "this is how u were hugging me inside the dream", she put my hand ontop of hers and interlocked our fingers, put her head on my lap and let me play with her hair. I told her I've been working out so she started feeling my arm, and when she wanted to roll up my sleeve I said, "uh ah, not yet" and did a playful takeaway. However, she seemed sad and in deep thought the whole time. She lost track of the time, we had spent 3 hrs together and she thought it was only 1.5 hrs. It was getting late so we parted. We texted the next day with more fun happy talk, and I ended it by telling her I had to go to bed, and we haven't talked since. The meeting went well overall, the feeling I got is that she is definitely still inlove with me, and the age gap is truly the only barrier she can't get past right now. But I felt like I shot myself in the foot by telling her the theory, coz she now knows where I stand, when its more sexy and mysterious if she didn't know about it. She initiated most of the kino, I didn't even have to do anything, but the air felt a bit weird coz when I asked her why she went so quiet, she said she felt bad for making me miserable after the breakup. She also mumbled stuff like "but ur happy now..." in a complaining tone, but refused to say more. I told my friend (the one that invented the theory) and he told me not to worry about having told her the theory, because it indirectly suggests to her I'm getting over her and unless she pulls her finger out and gets her head around it soon, then she's going to to lose me forever.
todreaminblue Posted October 13, 2012 Posted October 13, 2012 (this is a long and complex situation, just read the 1st and 2nd and last 2 paragraphs if can't be bothered reading the whole thing) Hi, basically this girl I used to work with, we started liking each other from Nov 2011. She's quite shy, so it took a few month to figure each other out, but we started dating from Jan 2012 onwards. Occasionally we would have disagreements and arguements, but we always talked and worked them out and felt closer afterwards. However, in beginning of June, she found out our age difference (she's 19 and I'm 30). She always thought I was 23-25ish coz I look young, and I never really knew she didn't know I was 30. So 3 weeks after she found out (June 20), we met up and she said the gap is too big for her to accept right now and she's just not comfortable being together, but when I asked if her decision is final, she said its not. She said she wants to remain friends, but I said I don't know if I want to. We kinda parted but kept in some touch. A few days later when she was tipsy in a club with her friends, she kept trying to call me. I didn't pickup coz I was asleep. We got together to talk a few days later, and she told me she called because she really missed me and wanted to tell me how much she liked me and wished I was there. During our mostly pleasant 4hr talk that night, she said she wanted to keep in touch but not too much because she's afraid she will keep feeling too attached to me. And also said I have to be the one to initiate contact. I thought that was totally unfair and I didn't really agree to it. The talk ended and we parted awkwardly. We've been in some but not heavy sms contact for almost 2 months, until we went to a work party August 10. It was a very awkward night and we didn't really talk too naturally. She was cold and I thought she was fully over me. It felt awful so I asked her to come out that sunday so I can provide some closure for me and her. I basically told her that I still liked her, and it hurts me alot we can't be together, but that I got to continue on with my life and if there really is nothing left, I will let her go and move on. She didn't agree directly to it, and gave reasons why we were awkward at the party (first time we saw each other since things ended awkwardly in july). She also said she wasn't over me yet, and acted cold coz she thought I was over her already, and there was many times she missed me and wanted to txt me but forced herself not to. Also said that if I let her go and move on with another girl, she will accept it but will be very upset because she feels she will lose something very very amazing. But then she said she still can't accept the age thing right now, but she doesn't want to cut me off so she wants me to make the decision if I want to eliminate all contact or keep talking to her as a friend. She said she will always reply to me but doesn't want to initiate contact to "avoid feeling attached". I told her I need some time before I can decide. Since then she has initiated contact twice, including a txt ending with "xo" which she hasn't ever written before. Just last night we spoke on the phone for 2 hrs, and it got a bit weird at the end coz I told her "I can't accept the 2 options you gave me, so the decision I made is that I just wana follow what my heart tells me to do" She replied if I keep pushing her, its gona make her uncomfortable. Conversation stalled abit after that, I thought it was all over, but then she suddenly said if I wana talk about it she will come out and talk, which we agreed to be tomorrow. All this time, she has stressed that this whole being apart thing is not what she wanted, and that she never really 'finally decided' to be apart, but she just feels like it doesn't feel right to be together right now due to the age gap. But then she keeps telling me to contact her whenever I want to talk and when I do, she always replies very fast and happily. Her conflicting behaviour is driving me nuts, and I seriously don't know what exactly she wants. I agree with the poster salma, not about the flake part but about the 19 yrs for her and 30 for you and the 11 year age gap is a lifestyle concern ....she was out partying while you were asleep that says it all....if the lifestyle not the age gap i too severe then it wont work long term....at 19 its young to be going at a full long term relationship it depends then on what you want....she isn't flakey ....she is 19....partying maybe... you are not that lifestyle.....to bridge an age gap you have to have similar lifestyles similar bed times....and similar values...you have to be on the same lifestyle path to journey together no matter what age....i wish you the best......i think in this case the sleeping partying thing should be looked at because that will continue.....if you are conflicted and dont spend that time being together and spend a lot of time separately....her being 19 and partying does not bode well..........what is the use of continuing....this is my opinion though....she is not a flake just a teen...a teen who hasnt lived yet to know what she really desires...deb
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