SnowandStars Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 My boyfriend looks at porn, as do I. In fact, I probably look at it way more than he does. I consider myself pretty open-minded and perhaps a bit kinky when it comes to sexuality and sexual fantasies, but I just can't shake this and it is tearing us apart. First off, I snooped, which I know is wrong, but I felt uneasy about something and went on a mission to find out what it was. There was porn, no big deal, but the searches he was doing disturbed me. "young looking girls" "tiny young girls with small boobs" "super skinny girls small boobs" "innocent young girls" that type of stuff. Now I know that it is perfectly normal for men to fantasize about youth. Why else would school-girl and cheerleader porn be so popular? That doesn't bother me and I like dressing up as both to turn my man on. However, the girls he was looking at looked very young, even though they were 18+, that bothered me. I confronted him about it, but we never really resolved it. I know he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, even though I look nothing like those girls. I'm in my mid-Twenties with D cups. Well some months pass and I get on his laptop to fill out an application for him. I had to fill it out on Internet Explorer because that was the only compatible engine for this particular online application. Now when you click on the search bar to put in an address, the history automatically pops up. What I saw really disturbed me. He did a search for "fake kiddie porn" I confronted him about that and he assured me that he wasn't into children, but that he was simply looking for skinny girls and thought that might get him results. He pleaded with me not to leave him, and promised he would never watch porn again. I told him I'm okay with him watching porn but I don't want him looking at girls who look under 18. He obliged and 7 months have passed since then. I still can't shake the uneasiness. I haven't snooped anymore, but occasionally I'll feel uneasy when I see a cute, highschool girl walk by and I've had dreams about him checking out young girls. My self-esteem has really suffered as well. I don't know what to do. Aside from this he's amazing, and I trust that he hasn't looked at that stuff anymore. I just wonder if I made the right decision to stay with him 7 months ago. What do you all think? Should the past have been cause for concern? Is it normal for men to watch this type of stuff because it is so taboo as long as it isn't the real deal? I'm mid-twenties, and he is early-twenties so I'm a few years older and that makes it even worse.
TaraMaiden Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 You may have to look into his personal history, and upbringing. I know a guy who's into certain sexual preferences - and so's his dad. But it's not something they ever discussed between themselves, or with each other - yet they are similar, without knowing it. I'm not suggesting he was abused, but maybe his dad is into 'pretty young things' and he's following the trait. Instead of being accusatory and making him feel guilty, and make promises which actually, might be very difficult for him to honour (I'm not saying you're wrong, ok?) Perhaps you could discuss with him what exactly about this kind of porn turns him on? And in fact, discuss with him how HE feels about this tendency. How does he view himself in light of this? is this something he may need counselling with?
Author SnowandStars Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 You may have to look into his personal history, and upbringing. I know a guy who's into certain sexual preferences - and so's his dad. But it's not something they ever discussed between themselves, or with each other - yet they are similar, without knowing it. I'm not suggesting he was abused, but maybe his dad is into 'pretty young things' and he's following the trait. Instead of being accusatory and making him feel guilty, and make promises which actually, might be very difficult for him to honour (I'm not saying you're wrong, ok?) Perhaps you could discuss with him what exactly about this kind of porn turns him on? And in fact, discuss with him how HE feels about this tendency. How does he view himself in light of this? is this something he may need counselling with? He said it was what he first started watching, and he just never changed. This makes sense when you first start watching porn at 13, 14 or whatever--it is normal to lust after girls who look like your classmates. Now almost a decade later, it bothers me that he still watches that. He says that he's not one for change unless he needs to. He has changed what he watches. The teen porn stuff was about 90% of what he watched. Now he just focuses on the other 10% (at least to my knowledge).
TaraMaiden Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 An addiction fraught with guilt is often indulged in secretly. I think he may need counselling, but if he doesn't feel guilt over the type of porn he watches (as opposed to just feeling guilty about looking at it and sparing your feelings) then, frankly, I'm not really sure what to advise....
Author SnowandStars Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 An addiction fraught with guilt is often indulged in secretly. I think he may need counselling, but if he doesn't feel guilt over the type of porn he watches (as opposed to just feeling guilty about looking at it and sparing your feelings) then, frankly, I'm not really sure what to advise.... He feels no guilt about it at all because he sees nothing wrong with it. He's only upset that he potentially lost me because I found out about it. It's 7 months later and he feels like I should get over it. I haven't yet and wonder if I ever will.
TaraMaiden Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I hate to say it, but this sounds like a bit of a deal-breaker... rather like conflicting views on Religion, or the desire/lack of for kids.... you find it objectionable, he's completely cool with it. I feel many members of society would side with your opinion more than his - but that's of little use to you, as you're the one in the relationship. Is this a deal-breaker - or could it be?
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 SnowandStars, I generally think that a person's sexuality should grow along with the rest of them as they grow emotionally and mentally. It would be a huge red flag to me if a man was still invested in young girls as a grown man. A person's sexuality should be fluid and be able to mature and grow with the rest of them. To me, if a man's sexuality has remained exactly the same, with the same attraction to the same girls he was attracted to when he was a teen, that shows a huge lack of personal growth. The reality is you don't even know how far deep his attraction goes. I doubt he is being 100% honest about why he looks for this. Do you want to be 30, 35, 40, 45, 50 with a man that is still looking for teenagers? 1
TaraMaiden Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I'm mid-twenties, and he is early-twenties so I'm a few years older and that makes it even worse. i wonder if this has any bearing on the matter, though...? The adolescent brain undergoes massive changes and does not reach maturity until 20 or 30 years old Of course, you'd have to observe his general behaviour, away from this field.... from here:
AlexCross Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 My boyfriend looks at porn, as do I. In fact, I probably look at it way more than he does. I consider myself pretty open-minded and perhaps a bit kinky when it comes to sexuality and sexual fantasies, but I just can't shake this and it is tearing us apart. First off, I snooped, which I know is wrong, but I felt uneasy about something and went on a mission to find out what it was. There was porn, no big deal, but the searches he was doing disturbed me. "young looking girls" "tiny young girls with small boobs" "super skinny girls small boobs" "innocent young girls" that type of stuff. Now I know that it is perfectly normal for men to fantasize about youth. Why else would school-girl and cheerleader porn be so popular? That doesn't bother me and I like dressing up as both to turn my man on. However, the girls he was looking at looked very young, even though they were 18+, that bothered me. I confronted him about it, but we never really resolved it. I know he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, even though I look nothing like those girls. I'm in my mid-Twenties with D cups. Well some months pass and I get on his laptop to fill out an application for him. I had to fill it out on Internet Explorer because that was the only compatible engine for this particular online application. Now when you click on the search bar to put in an address, the history automatically pops up. What I saw really disturbed me. He did a search for "fake kiddie porn" I confronted him about that and he assured me that he wasn't into children, but that he was simply looking for skinny girls and thought that might get him results. He pleaded with me not to leave him, and promised he would never watch porn again. I told him I'm okay with him watching porn but I don't want him looking at girls who look under 18. He obliged and 7 months have passed since then. I still can't shake the uneasiness. I haven't snooped anymore, but occasionally I'll feel uneasy when I see a cute, highschool girl walk by and I've had dreams about him checking out young girls. My self-esteem has really suffered as well. I don't know what to do. Aside from this he's amazing, and I trust that he hasn't looked at that stuff anymore. I just wonder if I made the right decision to stay with him 7 months ago. What do you all think? Should the past have been cause for concern? Is it normal for men to watch this type of stuff because it is so taboo as long as it isn't the real deal? I'm mid-twenties, and he is early-twenties so I'm a few years older and that makes it even worse. Out of curiosity what genre of porn do you delve into, since you conveniently left that out. Maybe you searched for huge cawks and he isnt that well endowed. He should be insecure right ?
Author SnowandStars Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 Out of curiosity what genre of porn do you delve into, since you conveniently left that out. Maybe you searched for huge cawks and he isnt that well endowed. He should be insecure right ? No I don't search for that, but that isn't even a proper comparison. My issue isn't with him watching porn, it is about him watching porn where the girls look middle-school aged AND him doing a search for "fake kiddie porn." I'm more disturbed than insecure. He could look at a host of other things that don't fit my description and it wouldn't bother me one bit. I can understand the sexual appeal of young women like coeds, or perhaps a junior/senior in highschool--especially for a man of his age (early twenties); however, he is seeking out women who look underdeveloped and scary young. THAT is a problem.
AlexCross Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 No I don't search for that, but that isn't even a proper comparison. My issue isn't with him watching porn, it is about him watching porn where the girls look middle-school aged AND him doing a search for "fake kiddie porn." I'm more disturbed than insecure. He could look at a host of other things that don't fit my description and it wouldn't bother me one bit. I can understand the sexual appeal of young women like coeds, or perhaps a junior/senior in highschool--especially for a man of his age (early twenties); however, he is seeking out women who look underdeveloped and scary young. THAT is a problem. Ok I perused quickly without reading the facts my apologies. Yeah I would ask him if this is a fetish because it certainly is not healthy.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 My boyfriend looks at porn, as do I. In fact, I probably look at it way more than he does. I consider myself pretty open-minded and perhaps a bit kinky when it comes to sexuality and sexual fantasies, but I just can't shake this and it is tearing us apart. First off, I snooped, which I know is wrong, but I felt uneasy about something and went on a mission to find out what it was. There was porn, no big deal, but the searches he was doing disturbed me. "young looking girls" "tiny young girls with small boobs" "super skinny girls small boobs" "innocent young girls" that type of stuff. Now I know that it is perfectly normal for men to fantasize about youth. Why else would school-girl and cheerleader porn be so popular? That doesn't bother me and I like dressing up as both to turn my man on. However, the girls he was looking at looked very young, even though they were 18+, that bothered me. I confronted him about it, but we never really resolved it. I know he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, even though I look nothing like those girls. I'm in my mid-Twenties with D cups. Well some months pass and I get on his laptop to fill out an application for him. I had to fill it out on Internet Explorer because that was the only compatible engine for this particular online application. Now when you click on the search bar to put in an address, the history automatically pops up. What I saw really disturbed me. He did a search for "fake kiddie porn" I confronted him about that and he assured me that he wasn't into children, but that he was simply looking for skinny girls and thought that might get him results. He pleaded with me not to leave him, and promised he would never watch porn again. I told him I'm okay with him watching porn but I don't want him looking at girls who look under 18. He obliged and 7 months have passed since then. I still can't shake the uneasiness. I haven't snooped anymore, but occasionally I'll feel uneasy when I see a cute, highschool girl walk by and I've had dreams about him checking out young girls. My self-esteem has really suffered as well. I don't know what to do. Aside from this he's amazing, and I trust that he hasn't looked at that stuff anymore. I just wonder if I made the right decision to stay with him 7 months ago. What do you all think? Should the past have been cause for concern? Is it normal for men to watch this type of stuff because it is so taboo as long as it isn't the real deal? I'm mid-twenties, and he is early-twenties so I'm a few years older and that makes it even worse. As near as I can sense, while you have every right to become upset and alter your life/relationship for reasons of his looking at nudie pics of females not yet past their 18th birthdays, your judging his porn use based on whether the subjects have passed their 20th birthdays is absurd. I mean, consider how absolutely foolish you'd seem for having selected some arbitrary date - say August 18, 1992 - before programming your entire self esteem based on whether those depicted in porn were born prior to that date. THE LAW chose the date "August 18, 1994" FOR you, but your choosing some additional arbitrary date is like guessing at lottery numbers - it's purely random (and not something to set your watch/life by). I think you have to go by the black-n-white boundaries on this one in order to be fair. The internet and the porn on it have been around long enough for all of us to have figured out that SOME 18+ women LOOK perhaps 15, or the like. Now how can we assess them based on their looks in this thread, and then go to the next thread and be of any comfort to the 18yo writer who is tired of looking 15? In the same way we afford someone the right to vote based on an actual date, we afford them the right to appear in porn (legally) and, as such, the rights of others to VIEW that porn legally. What if we suddenly said: "no more women with D-cups on the subway - they're distracting"? That would be no less unfair to you than it is to decide for them that 18yo's who merely "look 15" are no longer allowed in porn, (or on the subway). Stick with the letter of the law on gauging what sorts of porn your guy seeks. And go ahead and keep the battle abrew about whether or not he uses porn - that one is an individual/couple thing.
Greznog Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 OP im going to spoil something for you, there's a reason they need AoC laws, or do you honestly believe a pair of firm breasts only become appealing to men once the body they're attached to legally turns 18? The only source of concern for me would be the whole simulated/fake child porn. Not the fact that he happens to prefer teenage looking girls.
Author SnowandStars Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 As near as I can sense, while you have every right to become upset and alter your life/relationship for reasons of his looking at nudie pics of females not yet past their 18th birthdays, your judging his porn use based on whether the subjects have passed their 20th birthdays is absurd. I mean, consider how absolutely foolish you'd seem for having selected some arbitrary date - say August 18, 1992 - before programming your entire self esteem based on whether those depicted in porn were born prior to that date. THE LAW chose the date "August 18, 1994" FOR you, but your choosing some additional arbitrary date is like guessing at lottery numbers - it's purely random (and not something to set your watch/life by). I think you have to go by the black-n-white boundaries on this one in order to be fair. The internet and the porn on it have been around long enough for all of us to have figured out that SOME 18+ women LOOK perhaps 15, or the like. Now how can we assess them based on their looks in this thread, and then go to the next thread and be of any comfort to the 18yo writer who is tired of looking 15? In the same way we afford someone the right to vote based on an actual date, we afford them the right to appear in porn (legally) and, as such, the rights of others to VIEW that porn legally. What if we suddenly said: "no more women with D-cups on the subway - they're distracting"? That would be no less unfair to you than it is to decide for them that 18yo's who merely "look 15" are no longer allowed in porn, (or on the subway). Stick with the letter of the law on gauging what sorts of porn your guy seeks. And go ahead and keep the battle abrew about whether or not he uses porn - that one is an individual/couple thing. These type of sites are abiding by the law (so they don't get shut down, and can still make money) but are still made to appeal to men who are turned on by a youth/innocence taboo. Re-read my post. Nowhere did I say the sites should be shut down or that it is wrong for them to exist--just that I am personally disturbed by the fact that he seeks this out. It isn't like he is just browsing random stuff, sees a hot scene, and the girl just happens to look very underage. His searches suggest that this is what he's looking for. Furthermore, he decided to go above and beyond to search for "fake kiddie porn" thus suggesting that the run-of-the-mill stuff wasn't doing it for him. HE knows what he wanted to see, and decided to search accordingly.
Author SnowandStars Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 OP im going to spoil something for you, there's a reason they need AoC laws, or do you honestly believe a pair of firm breasts only become appealing to men once the body they're attached to legally turns 18? The only source of concern for me would be the whole simulated/fake child porn. Not the fact that he happens to prefer teenage looking girls. I am aware of that, and my 1st post and subsequent posts have stated this exactly. I know that men are attracted to youth. I have no issues with that. Perhaps I am crazy to believe that there is a difference in finding the high school aged girl hot vs. someone who looks like my sisters who are in middle school. I don't care to pass judgement on the men who do find this appealing because I can rationalize WHY it turns them on (innocence, taboo); however, when it comes to the man I'm going to marry I feel like I should be concerned about the long-term implications of him consistently indulging in something like this. If he likes it and wants to continue to watch it, he's free to do that, but not with me.
Greznog Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I am aware of that, and my 1st post and subsequent posts have stated this exactly. I know that men are attracted to youth. I have no issues with that. Perhaps I am crazy to believe that there is a difference in finding the high school aged girl hot vs. someone who looks like my sisters who are in middle school. I don't care to pass judgement on the men who do find this appealing because I can rationalize WHY it turns them on (innocence, taboo); however, when it comes to the man I'm going to marry I feel like I should be concerned about the long-term implications of him consistently indulging in something like this. If he likes it and wants to continue to watch it, he's free to do that, but not with me. Fair enough, I mistook you for some of the women here who think a 50 year old man is a potential satanic child molester unless he exclusively has sex with, fantasizes about and watches porn featuring women at least a decade older than himself.
Author SnowandStars Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 Fair enough, I mistook you for some of the women here who think a 50 year old man is a potential satanic child molester unless he exclusively has sex with, fantasizes about and watches porn featuring women at least a decade older than himself. Oh goodness no! I mean, with the exception of some porn marketed as "granny porn," porn is overwhelmingly made up of girls marketed as being in their teens and 20's. Even the most popular MILFS look to be not too much older than that! It's perfectly normal for men to be attracted to youth. I enjoy watching school girl or cheerleader porn and even dressing as such in the bedroom. I am just not comfortable with him looking at girls who resemble my middle-school aged sisters 90% of the time. I'm more disturbed by searching for "fake kiddie porn."
utterer of lies Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 I'm more disturbed by searching for "fake kiddie porn." And you should be. 1
denise_xo Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Searches for 'kiddie porn' is a red flag, IMO, and I would discuss that with him if I were you. I would be very distrurbed by that as well. To all the men getting all up in arms about what they percieve as the OP having something against men being attracted to young women: Firstly, perhaps all of you need to learn to read - it's very clear that you're all answering on default prejudice without even bothering to read the OP. Second, while I have no problem whatsoever with the idea that men are generally attracted to a good looking 16 year old, I find it very difficult to understand that a lot of men seem to find it completely unproblematic to watch porn made my under eighteens. Being attracted to them - sure, no problem at all. Consuming a porn product where an under eighteen is taking part - for ****s sake, get a grip. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 It would disturb me enough to run for the hills. I know this sounds horrible and the idea of breaking things off seems unbearable. But really, this would always bother you and I bet he is still looking at that type of porn. It could also only be the tip of the iceberg. You can't go on and just ignore the problem 1
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Oh goodness no! I mean, with the exception of some porn marketed as "granny porn," porn is overwhelmingly made up of girls marketed as being in their teens and 20's. Even the most popular MILFS look to be not too much older than that! It's perfectly normal for men to be attracted to youth. I enjoy watching school girl or cheerleader porn and even dressing as such in the bedroom. I am just not comfortable with him looking at girls who resemble my middle-school aged sisters 90% of the time. I'm more disturbed by searching for "fake kiddie porn." When I make this point that a lot of women in porn are young and even in MILF porn they are young, people throw me under the bus. I undestand being able to say, "what a handsome boy/pretty girl", I don't get lusting after them though. And frankly, it doesn't bode well for any woman to be with a guy that lusts after teenagers and wants her and him to pretend she is one by dressing up like school girls and cheerleaders. However, this has become so normalized in our culture, it's like women like to even humilate themselves so he can pretend she is a teenager. I don't get it. Does he ever dress up as a 16 year old guy for you? I wonder how many guys would be okay with their partners lusting after, seeking out material and masturbating to images of underaged guys or 18 year old guys that look underaged. Or even simply 18 year old guys. 18 is "legal" but it's still kind of creepy if you ask me. 3
Greznog Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I undestand being able to say, "what a handsome boy/pretty girl", I don't get lusting after them though. I don't get lusting after a chiseled physique and a 10" schlong, maybe it's because im not attracted to men.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I don't get lusting after a chiseled physique and a 10" schlong, maybe it's because im not attracted to men. Damn. I really really want to say something to that but I won't.
Kofybean Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 My boyfriend looks at porn, as do I. In fact, I probably look at it way more than he does. .... I still can't shake the uneasiness. I haven't snooped anymore, but occasionally I'll feel uneasy when I see a cute, highschool girl walk by and I've had dreams about him checking out young girls. My self-esteem has really suffered as well. .... 1) You are a hypocrite, what makes the porn you look at and your desires hollier than his? 2) You are insecure, and projecting it as if it is his problem.
Greznog Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Damn. I really really want to say something to that but I won't. Teehee, go on, whisper it into my ear, I promise I won't tell on you. And people tell me to date my own age because they're mentally more mature.
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