Does the MM owe me.. or?

[grace1962]

I've read many of your post and the "feelings" are quite similar. I've been involved w/ a MM for 4 yrs. I moved to another state this past year and added to the every day drama of dealing w/ an affair is the long distance part we now deal w/ and for me its meant major insecurity.

 

Briefly, my MM is quite handsome, quite known in his community, etc. He has had brief affairs over the years but I'm his first relationship... and probably his last. He's been married 26 yrs, and wants to stay married. That has never been an issue.

 

During out last argument, I made a comment about his selfishness in our relationship. I am the one who sits home alone, I am the one who does w/ out.. and this struck him hard. He now feels we need to end our relationship. He wants to attempt to make his marriage better.

 

I'm sorry to jump around so much... but there are so many factors involved.

 

If that is what he wants.. then the "good" part of me.. wants that for him... but I've sacrificed a lot for him and am now trying to determine do I just allow him to walk away.. or do I ask for something back? Do I have the right?

 

I do not mean this in a vindictive way.... I NEED advice desperately.

 

I am in love w/ him and he knows it.. I am VERY dependent on him.. not financially but emotionally. We are apart right now but we email and chat via the phone daily... and we visit alot...

 

but to help you understand my question about.. do I deserve something back.. I have to jump around and I'm sorry.. I'm still so upset over the abruptness which he thinks we should end this... but I'm not stupid and life must go on... somehow.

 

I met him 4 yrs ago. He was recommended by another lawyer working w/ in his firm. Yes he's a lawyer.. I went to him for advice over a situation involving my partner in business. I ended up making an offer and buying out my partner... but this is where my MM came into the picture.

 

I am a people pleasure and I've made some very stupid decisions in my life.. but somehow he went form my attorney to being my partner in lieu of his fee's.

 

My attraction for him happened quickly. This man is incredible and very hard to resist. I was in a business that was fast paced and women were a major minority so it was a daily fight. I worked 20 hour days to succeed.. I put all the money into the company. I then made one of the biggest mistakes of my life..

 

I didn't share any of it w/ my family. My family is not RICH rich.. but they do well.. I used money from a trust to buy this company. I knew somehow what I was doing allowing him part of this company was wrong.. but I never spoke up.. I just let it happen.. At tax time.. I mailed my stuff to my family to be taken to our accountant.. and needless to say it was obvious I not only had a partner.. but a lawyer partner and my family was furious. They felt I was being taken advantage of..etc.

 

By now this wonderful man had been in my life daily. He spent hours w/ me at the company.. I started depending on him for emotional support... and then about 6 months into this venture.. on a business trip.. we slept together.. and I was hooked.

 

The company took some hard knocks and more money was needed. I came up w/ it.... keeping in mind my family ... they were not pleased...

 

They kept asking me what does this man hold over you? I didn't understand cause there was no one who knew of our relationship outside of work... except we were friends.

 

Anyway.. I finally sold the company and I took a huge loss. That was not his fault.. but what was.. was that he allowed many things to happen that benefited him... and I lost.

 

My family... wanted to go after him and I stood up to my family for him. I said I'd walk away if they proceeded. They asked.. are you having an affair w/ this man and of course I denied it.

 

Long story short my father has not spoken to me in over a year now. I lost all my investment... and now I'm hurting financially.. and if it had not been for him and I realize that is all my fault.. I'd not be in this situation.

 

Having him in my life justified it all for me cause I am too weak to face it all... but w/ out him. I have no way to justify any of it. I feel afraid now. I feel my security has been jerked away.. and emotionally.. my hearts been ripped to pieces.

 

He came to my home a couple days ago because I asked him too. There were a couple small tings I desperately needed and he took care of that for me.. he also slept in my bed and loved me just as he has for years now... I know leaving me is hard for him too... but we both know if he has any chance of a real marriage he has to do this.

 

But while he was here I had planned.. not to throw all this in his face.. but to ask him to leave me w/ some money so I'd have some security atleast financially... because .. of him there is no where I can turn... but of course when he was here.. I melted and didn't want to deal w/ anything unpleasant.. and now I'm wondering did I melt or do I just not have the right to expect anything from him?

 

I'm hurting badly and I'm trying to leave all that out.. after reading these posts.. you know how it hurts.. you live w/ it.. or have.

 

So what is your opinion please.. do I have the right to ask for something back.. or don't I ?

 

Regardless if I don't or don't.. this is not about his wife. No matter what happens, I'd never hurt her... so this isn't a give me something or I'll tell your wife. I could never hurt anyone that way... even when it means I do w/ out.

 

Thank you in advance for any advice you have to offer.

[littleflowerpot]

i'm confused by your story. exactly what did his "partnership" in your company entail? did he make any profits? you say he benefited somehow. did he benefit by your loss?

 

my first inclination is to tell you that this man took advantage of you and you need to open your eyes and get some legal compensation for it. not only were you hurt but you allowed your family to be hurt as well. what will it take for you to finally realize that this relationship has been devastating to you? you have lost your relationship with your father over it. honey, you need to open your eyes and see the truth. you need to apologize to your family and you need to try to correct the wrongs done to you and to your family.

[Mr Spock]

That is the incredibly sh*tty thing about life. When one person wants to call things off, what recourse does the other have? If he KNOWS how you feel, and he still wants to leave you then you don't really have much choice but to accept it.

 

You do however, sound like a huge HUGE sucker. This man has been leeching off you emotionally AND financially for FOUR YEARS. Hellooo...you're broke-and he's leaving you for his wife. You need to grab whatver you can and get out of this situation.

 

I'd also like to point out that it's no coincidence that he's running back to his wife as you're running out of money.

[shortbus74]

Okay... I speed read post.........sounds like you were taken for a ride...

 

Money is such a horrible thing.....makes people evil (IMO its dirty green and you can make more)

 

You sound like a very smart woman...

 

The question I pose to you is why settle for second best? You deserve A LOT MORE

Why play second best when you deserve the first...

 

Your family may be upset now but they will always love you..............

 

Good luck............

 

Shortbus

 

 

P.S. Sue the pants off of him....if you have legal docs... to prove it... He lives in the life of luxury.......do not let him get away with this!!

[Debster]

Granted, you got the raw end of the deal and I feel for you.

 

However, instead of blaming him - wouldn't it be more constructive to take a look at yourself and figure out where your decisions lead you astray and how to prevent something like this happening again.

[grace1962]

Thank you for your fast replies!

 

First.. for littleflowerpot.. My company when I bought out my partner was valued at 900k .. The attorney fee's should have been no more than 10k at the VERY highest. A friend who knows my MM said.. after I mentioned he had suggested a percentage in the company in lieu of his fee said... sure give him 1%. He ended up w/ 40% because I didn't have representation at the time. I thought he was my lawyer, he would take care of me ..etc..etc.

 

Morally he probably steps over the ethics line .. but I allowed it.

 

He had no part in the running of my company except he would give me moral support and I realize now he enjoyed being around me. My employee's used to tease me and ask why is Mr. lawyer hanging out here 4-5 hours a day. There was nothing in our business papers saying I had to put out all the money.. it slike it was understood I would. He drew the same paycheck I did from the company.. and for him it was nothing compared to what he brings home practicing law. I was falling in love w/ him so I treated him as a 50/50 partner even though he did nothing but ist in on a few meetings and when I needed to hire someone he was great at the interviewing.

 

When my family found out.. and I told him.. I remember crying and saying what am I supposed to do? This is my family but I cant let them destroy you (and they would have) ..... yet how do I justify that in my head? He told me friends don't hurt their friends.. and they do everything in their power to not let them be hurt... and we were friends.. as well as lovers.

 

And as sick and as sad as that sounds.. I bought it 100%. I loved him.. I desired him... I didnt want to be alone.. and during all that happening w/ my family.. I felt so alone.

 

I cant say what my company was here. I'm sorry but I'm afraid someone would recognize it and I cant allow him to be hurt that way.

 

YES MR SPOCK, I know I'm defending him.. I am a MAJOR SUKER... and I know deep down he's a big boy who can handle himself.. but hurting him is never going to take away my pain. Taking money from him is not going to take it away either.. but I HAVE to live.. and he has the money to give and it wont hurt him... but it will allow me to feel some bit of security.

 

I honestly believe he feel guilt and that is why he wants to be "good" for his wife. You said grab what you can get and go... as in ask for what I want?

 

Lord I feel like a yoyo. I've never felt as close to anyone as I do him. I could tell him anything... and at moments.. I almost hate him for letting me feel that and then to take it away.. but talking about the hurt isnt going to change it.

 

I have to think of me... and I'm one of those people who would give you thier last dollar and smile (some call that generous... most would call it stupid.) SO can you see how very difficult it is for me.. and after spending 4 yrs w/ me daily in some form or other.. dont you realize he KNOWs this? He knows I'd never threaten him. He knows I'd never hurt him.

 

Maybe what I really want is someone to tell me how to do it.. for someone to help me justify in my head its ok to ask for what I need.

 

See I think I want him to help me becuase he cares for me... and feels some repsonsibility.. the thought he'd do it out of some fear I'd hurt him.. tares me up.

 

Yes.. I know exactly how stupid I sound.. I feel so foolish cause I am a smart woman........ but I met this man and I feel in love.. HA!

[grace1962]

Debster.. You think I should just let it go? I guess it is like I'm blaming him. Since it was an affair and not a marraige.. does that mean he has no repsonsibility to me?

 

Maybe you are right... and maybe thats why I've not asked for the help.

[Matilda]

Yes indeed, he sounds like a master manipulator.

 

Maybe I'm wrong here, I've never been in your situation, but why not ask him for some financial help. Do you think he would help you? If you need the money, and it sounds like he did screw you over financially, then why not ask him.

[gracie1962]

Matilda (hope I got that spelled right.)

 

I honestly don't know if he'd help me or not. He does do small things when I've asked... but I think my biggest fear... is he'll

 

1. feel blackmailed (as in I could tell his wife) and I wont ever do that.. or

 

2. he'll say no and I'll have to face the fact he truly did use me... and losing him is hard enough.. to think he never really cared about my well being would be too much...

[Mr Spock]

Blackmail is illegal. I hope by my post you didn't think I was advising against taking him for everything that you can. Because you should.

 

Then, you should follow Debster's advice and engage in a lengthy period of self reflection and healing-you don't want to keep doing this to yourself.

[HokeyReligions]

You made your bed....

 

You can find an attorney (preferable a female) to represent you and take him to court and sue for your business, (I think this is the best approach) but your affair will come out and be part of the trial; or

 

You can suck it up and accept that you were used and hide behind your shame or embarassment. In that case, I hope you seek some counseling to help you deal with the emotional aspect. It's going to torment you for a long time---maybe forever, and at least as long as your family lives and is around you because you won't be able to look into their eyes without feeling the weight of dishonesty--and that burden gets heavier the longer you carry it.

 

Be honest with yourself. Stop trying to protect everyone, that is not your job or your responsibility. If his wife finds out from you or in court or from your family-----so what. You are being honest and facing the fact that you were taken advantage of. It happens. It happens to people of every race, intelligence level, educational level, and age.

 

The only way to get your life back is to do what is right. You know what is right.

[gracie1962]

Mr. Spock.. that's exactly what I thought Thank you for clarifying your self though.

 

I feel better just talking about it. I feel like there is no one I can tell. None of my friends know. The lies I've told over the years to explain away all our time together... its been incredible. This is a major relief for me.

 

This is the first time I've ever had an affair. Most who know me would never believe it.. and I guess that proof in the pudding.. anyone is susceptible.

 

I am filled w/ guilt over wanting to ask him for some security.. like he's going to think less of me.. and I know.. ha! He's left me right? He is not coming back.. right?

 

My head knows it.. but my heart.. I guess hasn't quite figured it out. W/ the situation the way it is w/ my family.. I feel very alone and its very scarey.

 

I don't feel I deserve anyone to feel badly for me. No one made me do this.. but i do need help.

[clia]

A friend who knows my MM said.. after I mentioned he had suggested a percentage in the company in lieu of his fee said... sure give him 1%. He ended up w/ 40% because I didn't have representation at the time. I thought he was my lawyer, he would take care of me ..etc..etc.

 

Morally he probably steps over the ethics line .. but I allowed it.

 

These actions by him absolutely, positively violate the Moral/Ethics code that lawyers have to take. That you allowed it does not matter. File a complaint against him with the American Bar Association in your state.

 

And then sue him for malpractice.

[grace1962]

Clia.. go for the throat huh? I'm not making lite of your post.. you made me think of my parents. I know given the chance they'd strip him of his liscense and it would distroy him.

 

I think what HokeyReligions has to say is right... but to do that means not only will it all come out.. but the court will end up taking him before the Bar. I wouldnt even have to.

 

I need some security and I dont know if I'm capable of more. Some would say why didnt you raise this issue when it happened? Why did you wait 4 years.. cause I was in love?! Because he's leaving me now and I want to get back at him? Thats what it seems like to me.

 

But you have raised an issue that I cant ignore.. my parents. I can ask for security.. maybe get it.. but I'll never be able to look them in the eye again.

 

Its almost like to have them back.. I must destroy him. I think I'd rather die. I must think about this.. not the dying.. but you've made me think of things in a way I haven't been able to.

 

I feel like I have till Monday to decide what to do. He is off right now registering his youngest for her first year of college and won't be back till Sunday nite.

 

His original idea was we'd still have our relationship.. we just wont be lovers anymore... just friends... but I think we both know thats not how it works... I pointed that out and he said he'd give it some thought over the weekend and I feel come Monday... it will end permantley cause there is no way to go back.

 

Why is it I can sit here and tell you all these things and for 4 yrs.. I couldn't utter word.. not even to my dearest friend.

[Mr Spock]

So, he's been screwing you physically for the last 4 years and you're so in love you're going to let him screw you financially for the next however many? One day, you're going to realize that you have been used, horribly. He does not love you. It's doubtful if he ever has. Please, consult your own independant lawyer. Soon.

[grace1962]

Mr. Spock.. you pointed out how I've been used.. but don't I have a responsibility too? I allowed all of it to happen. I am not a child.. I am 41. I have a college education and I've never felt more stupid in my life.

 

Its seems the consensus is not to ask for some security... but to sue him.

[Mr Spock]

It's not that any of us don't think you should ask. It's probably because we feel he'd just either laugh at you outright, or string you along for another eternity, waiting for money. Yes, it's your fault too. Now protect yourself!! At LEAST contact someone who has your best interests at heart-you're not over this man yet, but when you finally are (I say again, it's doubtful that he loves you) and you haven't recouped some of your losses financially, you're going to be furious.

[grace1962]

I like you Mr Spock. You say it like it is. Is anger what comes next? That seems sad. I'm not good w/ anger. I avoid it at all costs. Its hard to imagine it.. at least while I'm still trying to accept its ending... and its hard to do. I knew I'd never marry him... but I never thought he'd leave me.. and that make sme cry and yes, I know Mr. Spock.. he's not crying right now...

[Mr Spock]

You had better believe anger comes next. Trust me. Please, contact someone who can help you financially-a lawyer. Tell him exactly what's been going on-I'm pretty sure he can't reveal details unless you give him permission to do so. Find out what your recourse is.

[grace1962]

I can do that much. At least find out where I stand.. though I hope its possible he will just "want" to help me. He's never said no.. but I've never asked for anything of any great value either.

 

What a mess I've created!

[Mr Spock]

Yes. You have. And now you must protect yourself-because he sure doesn't have your best interests at heart. You now have leverage-to make him afraid, very afraid. Hold this card close to you, gather the troops and form your plan-that sort of thing. It may get ugly. That's a lie-it ALWAYS does, when money is involved.

[grace1962]

Now your scaring me. My first thought when I saw your post was "Oh Lord, he'll hate me!"

 

I guess that doesnt matter. I'm going to go think for a while.. I know it sounds stupid.. but I DO love him and I haven't let go of that yet...

[Mr Spock]

That feeling of love won't go away overnight either. It will keep coming back to hurt you, again and again. But. However. It should not stop you from protecting yourself, especially now that you are broke. Please know that the fact that he does not love you is going to become more and more apparent as time passes, and it's not going to feel good. Call a lawyer. You have business assets at stake here.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by grace1962

Thank you for your fast replies!

 

First.. for littleflowerpot.. My company when I bought out my partner was valued at 900k .. The attorney fee's should have been no more than 10k at the VERY highest. A friend who knows my MM said.. after I mentioned he had suggested a percentage in the company in lieu of his fee said... sure give him 1%. He ended up w/ 40% because I didn't have representation at the time. I thought he was my lawyer, he would take care of me ..etc..etc.

 

Morally he probably steps over the ethics line .. but I allowed it.

 

He had no part in the running of my company except he would give me moral support and I realize now he enjoyed being around me. My employee's used to tease me and ask why is Mr. lawyer hanging out here 4-5 hours a day. There was nothing in our business papers saying I had to put out all the money.. it slike it was understood I would. He drew the same paycheck I did from the company.. and for him it was nothing compared to what he brings home practicing law. I was falling in love w/ him so I treated him as a 50/50 partner even though he did nothing but ist in on a few meetings and when I needed to hire someone he was great at the interviewing.

 

When my family found out.. and I told him.. I remember crying and saying what am I supposed to do? This is my family but I cant let them destroy you (and they would have) ..... yet how do I justify that in my head? He told me friends don't hurt their friends.. and they do everything in their power to not let them be hurt... and we were friends.. as well as lovers.

 

And as sick and as sad as that sounds.. I bought it 100%. I loved him.. I desired him... I didnt want to be alone.. and during all that happening w/ my family.. I felt so alone.

 

I cant say what my company was here. I'm sorry but I'm afraid someone would recognize it and I cant allow him to be hurt that way.

 

what a sleazy man! honey, go back and read what you've told me. how can you call him a good man? how can you justify allowing him such a huge fee and on top of it allowing him to draw the same paycheck you did?

 

and the part i really don't understand is that you let him get away with such a sleazy thing at the detriment to your family. they would destroy him??? what would you expect of them? did they deserve no recompense?

 

yeah, friends don't hurt their friends. he's right. remind him of that. tell him maybe you'll accept his apology if he reimburses you what he stole from you and your family.

 

i'm sorry if i sound harsh but i just can't believe with what he's gotten away with. people so often get away with anything they want because they take advantage of people that care for them. it's wrong.

[littleflowerpot]

yes, sue. and it isn't blackmail to tell him you want him to pay you back for what he took that he didn't deserve or you will sue him. that is giving him the option to either pay you back or be sued. as for destroying him, no, you wouldn't be. he did that himself. rather, he chose to let you be destroyed instead of him and his WIFE. don't fool yourself - he chose to protect him and her over you. he chose to let you be destroyed. and what about your family? did they deserve to be taken advantage of?

 

you DO deserve to be loved because you sound like a loving person but he will NEVER give you that. he's proven it to you. you owe him NOTHING. you owe yourself EVERYTHING. no one will ever love you as you deserve until you believe you deserve that love and you will never believe it until you love yourself.