Ex and I are meeting up

[youngnlove89]

I'm sitting at work and I get a text message. It's him. My heart drops.

 

He was basically trying to get my attention and make conversation. And I told him to stop texting me.

 

Then I felt bad for saying that. And I called him. (I know what you are thinking and you are probably all mentally throwing tomatoes at me!)

 

We talked for an hour and a half, probably longer if he didn't have to go to work. He told me how I was the only girl he ever cared this much about. How he misses me and wants to see me BUT isn't sure how that would affect what we are trying to do: move on from each other. He doesn't want to confuse his feelings or mine. We both were reluctant of the idea of hanging out and not knowing what is going to happen. He said it's not about sex and he doesn't want to see me for that. He just wants to talk to me. He told me how he thinks about me a 1,000 times a day and can't help it. We conversed. We laughed. We bantered. Things were like normal, although a little awkward and there were several silent moments and him asking what I was thinking about.

 

So we agreed to meet up tomorrow. Not for sex. Just to see each other and talk.

 

But I know what will happen. We will talk but we are going to have sex too. I want to have sex with him as much as he does. But this is what happens every time. This is the 5th time we broke up. (2 times he broke up and 3 times I broke up) Yes, I know it's very dysfunctional, but something keeps brings us back together. What is it? Why can't we just stay together? I think it's our trust issues we have with each other. He said he didn't trust me because he looked through my computer and saw I was back on a dating site and read my messages. (this is when we were broken up) I have never cheated on him and only talked to guys when we were not together. I went through his phone once too and had several questions about things I saw. But he had a fitted reason for each of them.

 

I'm not looking to be bashed at. I don't want to be scolded or lectured. I simply want advice. I want to know what you would truly do in this situation where you love this person and miss them. I'm not backing out, we are meeting. I know that each time we broke up, this happened and we ended up getting back together.

 

Have you ever met up with an ex after a breakup? How did you feel after?

Edited August 18, 2012 by youngnlove89

[not-a-drive-by]

4 days of NC and he texts you again? He just can't stay away, can he?

 

I met up with my ex a few times after the BU (maybe 1-3weeks after the BU). It always felt good seeing him because I missed him so much. I think it was the second time we met up, he was acting really flirty but we kept our distance. It didn't lead to anything because the BU was still fresh. And I always felt $h1t a few days after, because nothing had changed and he still didn't want to give our relationship another go.

 

I'm still waiting for something like this to happen...A few more weeks and it'll be 3 months since our BU .

[WordvAction]

(Mentally loading up on tomatoes and preparing to throw) Look, you have plenty of threads with plenty of advice on them. Are you really looking for advice which you're going to ignore and contact him anyway or are you looking for support for constantly hurting your psyche by contacting him?

[SadPanda22]

I was with my ex for years. We broke up several times (some breakups he initiated, some I initiated), and we always ended up back together....because we loved and missed each other. Huge mistake.

 

Loving and missing someone are not reasons to get back together with that person. No matter how badly you want it to work, some things are just not meant to be. I have learned this from personal experience. I wasted years of my life thinking that if you loved someone enough, and that if you wanted it badly enough, that you can make a relationship work. You can't. Also, people don’t change, and if he didn’t treat you the way you deserved before, he isn’t going to start now.

 

In regards to my ex, I wish that I could go back in time and punch myself in the face for every phone call I took, every text I responded to, every meeting I agreed to, and for every time that I took him back.

 

That wasn’t meant as a scolding or lecture, that is just my personal experience from meeting up with my ex. In the short term it satisfied me, but in the long run it caused me nothing but grief, stress and heartache.

[whatdoesntkillyou]

I am in the middle of re-connecting with my Ex after 4 weeks of LC and things are very weird at the moment.

 

In any rate, in response to your post, have you heard of the True vs False Intimacy? Every time you reconcile, if you are not resolving the issues from the last break up you're just adding more and more resentment to your relationship. It's like a vicious cycle. The reconciliation is often marked by Intensity, which is not the same thing as Intimacy. This is fairly widely documented in psychology literature. (Look them up in google scholar or a good library website if you can).

 

And I don't agree with SadPanda- people CAN change. But they never will if you don't try to work on whatever issues that you might have.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 18, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kindest]

You know, I've got a girl friend. 9 years with her boyfriend, broke up about 4 or 5 times. There is still no sign they are getting married or even engaged in the near future.

 

She complains about him all the time. She is unhappy with the way he is (unemployed and not even looking for a job). She deserves so much better yet here she is settling. She loves him? Maybe, but if he isn't improving then is the love that she is giving him even healthy for the kind of person he is?

 

Sometimes I envy her because her boyfriend has stayed loyal to her (despite straying a few times, he always comes back), but I'll be damned if I end up with a guy like him and I don't think I can handle the on again off again thing for 5 times. Oh hell naw.

 

Just sayin'

[Drseussgrrl]

You know it, he knows it and we all know you'll be right back here with an even bigger heartbreak in no time. Nothing has changed - he just feels lonely and once again this moron goes crawling back to his fallback girl - YOU.

 

You really need to sack up and get some self esteem and stop engaging in this toxic dynamic with him. You're going to sleep with him?! No wonder he never feels the need to properly commit.

 

 

Smh.

[venusianx13]

For me, it was always painful to see my ex after a break up. I was usually the one who desperately wanted to see him, though, because I knew that him seeing me would tug at his heartstrings. It tugged at mine, for sure. And it blinded both of us, countless times, to the point where we'd get back together and never address the problems that drove us apart in the first place. Each and every time we did this, our relationship got worse.

 

If I could go back, I'd never have sought meetings with him after it was over. As painful as NC and distance were, the snowball of collective pain and resentment in the end was much, much worse.

[Vikki_26]

I'd give anything for this moment to happen to me!

[Vikki_26]

I wouldn't be having sex with them, but would be nice for my ex to want me even to be given the chance to tell him to sling his hook if I wanted to! Guess your right though, I dunno how to get what you say I lack.

[youngnlove89]

To be used? To be a cum receptacle?

 

Since you and the OP do not have any self-worth or boundaries... No man is going to treat you with any respect or value you since you don't respect or value yourself.

 

Its why both of you have been dumped a million times by the same guy and why neither of your exes really went you.

 

First of all, I'm not being used. Second of all, I'm not a cum receptacle. You don't know my ex-boyfriend, he isn't that type of person to USE me.

 

I do not have any self-worth or boundaries? Another lie. Please don't come on here and pretend that you know me.

 

Sure, you can only base your opinions off of what I tell you on here, but there is so much more to the story than I can ever explain.

 

We aren't meeting up to have sex. We are meeting up to see each other. I said that we will have sex because I know it will happen and I want it to. And the last thing I feel is used. He respects me and he would still see me if we didn't have sex. He knows that. I know that. That's all that matters.

 

To say I have no self-worth is despicable of you. I have a heart of love. I love this man and I'm doing what I can to make it work. I am absolutely appalled that you can come on here on your soap box and insult me without even knowing my true character, my true intentions.

 

If you have never had the want or need to see an ex-boyfriend than you have never been in love. It's hard to decline that offer. And I could go over there today and not have sex with him. So for one second, forget about the sex part.

 

We are going to discuss our feelings and what we need to do because we both know this a cycle that we keep going through. We are both, as adults, trying to figure out the best outcome for both of us.

[youngnlove89]

Listen, I am aware of exactly what everyone else is aware of deep down inside. That meeting up with an ex is not a good idea.

 

But I can't help it. I'm going to do what I want to do and that is to see him. I might come back on here later tonight with how awful the meet up was or how wonderful it turned out to be. I don't know what will happen.

 

"It's difficult to admit that sometimes we put ourselves in the path of heartache. We see that train in the distance, the whistling blowing, a loud warning, but we still step onto that track. Perhaps, masochism is one of them. But I'm more likely to offer hope as the root cause.

 

Hope is something we have no control over. Whenever we do something, we hope it works out. Which brings up back around to heartache.

 

Even knowing that it might end badly, you go for it anyways. You block out the noise, keep your eyes steady and go after what you want. Knowing is the purest form, that in the end might wreck you. That you might, despite all efforts, end up with your own heart in your hand.

 

In the very instant that you care about someone else, reason starts to pale. When you feel something, you lose the ability to be entirely objective. Affection, love, desire, they make a mess of us. It’s what leads seemingly rational people to sacrifice things that they otherwise wouldn’t. Security, routine, reputation, responsibility, and countless other things are often exchanged in a blind effort to pursue.

 

Because, in the end, we all want to feel something. We want to see and be seen. We want that electric whirlwind of being and becoming, discovering and experiencing. We want that white hot, fierce love. And you have to risk in order to gain. Anyone who tells you differently is either an idiot or a liar. Maybe both.

 

Sometimes, we love knowing that it will end. We can anticipate the heartache, even as we struggle against the idea of it. Maybe it’s better not to know something like that, but it can’t always be helped. There are things you just know. And sometimes, it’s utter foolishness, and sometimes, it’s bravery. In particularly wicked instances, it’s both. But even that won’t keep me from closing my eyes against the foreseeable future, and stepping onto the tracks. Can you say the same?"

 

***I found the above written by someone somewhere on the internet (for the life of me I can't find where I found it, so I can't give the unknown author any credit sadly) but I couldn't have said it better.

[kindest]

Well, you're gonna do whatever it is you wanna do anyway. So go do whatever you have to do. Just be strong, think of yourself too, what you're getting from this relationship... remember that it's not all about the other person (I am guilty of forgetting that sometimes).

 

Good luck to you. Whatever the outcome, be strong.

[Vikki_26]

Let us know how you get on, good luck!

[beyond]

I'm sitting at work and I get a text message. It's him. My heart drops.

 

He was basically trying to get my attention and make conversation. And I told him to stop texting me.

 

Then I felt bad for saying that. And I called him. (I know what you are thinking and you are probably all mentally throwing tomatoes at me!)

 

We talked for an hour and a half, probably longer if he didn't have to go to work. He told me how I was the only girl he ever cared this much about. How he misses me and wants to see me BUT isn't sure how that would affect what we are trying to do: move on from each other. He doesn't want to confuse his feelings or mine. We both were reluctant of the idea of hanging out and not knowing what is going to happen. He said it's not about sex and he doesn't want to see me for that. He just wants to talk to me. He told me how he thinks about me a 1,000 times a day and can't help it. We conversed. We laughed. We bantered. Things were like normal, although a little awkward and there were several silent moments and him asking what I was thinking about.

 

So we agreed to meet up tomorrow. Not for sex. Just to see each other and talk.

 

But I know what will happen. We will talk but we are going to have sex too. I want to have sex with him as much as he does. But this is what happens every time. This is the 5th time we broke up. (2 times he broke up and 3 times I broke up) Yes, I know it's very dysfunctional, but something keeps brings us back together. What is it? Why can't we just stay together? I think it's our trust issues we have with each other. He said he didn't trust me because he looked through my computer and saw I was back on a dating site and read my messages. (this is when we were broken up) I have never cheated on him and only talked to guys when we were not together. I went through his phone once too and had several questions about things I saw. But he had a fitted reason for each of them.

 

I'm not looking to be bashed at. I don't want to be scolded or lectured. I simply want advice. I want to know what you would truly do in this situation where you love this person and miss them. I'm not backing out, we are meeting. I know that each time we broke up, this happened and we ended up getting back together.

 

Have you ever met up with an ex after a breakup? How did you feel after?

 

Can you see how the two statements in bold contradict each other?

 

You set yourself a boundary- 'we are not going to have sex' and then you break it.

 

By doing that you will lose respect from others around you, but most importantly, yourself. Set yourself boundaries and stick to them.

 

No amount of getting angry at other posters pointing this out will change that.

 

I know it hurts like crazy, but this isn't the way to long term healing - it just isn't.

 

xx

[youngnlove89]

Can you see how the two statements in bold contradict each other?

 

You set yourself a boundary- 'we are not going to have sex' and then you break it.

 

By doing that you will lose respect from others around you, but most importantly, yourself. Set yourself boundaries and stick to them.

 

No amount of getting angry at other posters pointing this out will change that.

 

I know it hurts like crazy, but this isn't the way to long term healing - it just isn't.

 

xx

 

 

You are absolutely correct. I read that later and I was like "that does not make sense what I just wrote!!"

 

But maybe I don't want to believe the truth. Maybe I just want to believe that I'm going to go over there and everything is going to work and I'll be happy.

 

Deep down inside, I know that isn't the case. But I can't help myself. I want to see him. I want to pretend everything is okay.

 

To have the chance to have him wrap his arms around me once more, to kiss me, to hold me, to be able to look at him in the eyes and fall deeply in love all over again, to be in his presence, on his mind...

 

Just once more.

[edelveis]

younglove89 obviously you are not here to discuss about it and hear other's oppinions and i think you have already decided what to do.so why are you here?

 

If you keep meeting and meeting without result you ll never go forward.You will never heal yourself.I believe that you have self-respect but acting in this way you dont help yourself,you dont respect yourself.You are just going backwards

 

Sometimes we have to be strong and mature enough to say goodbye to a dream that is fading away.You have to know when you have to end something.If things could have been worked out he wouldnt be called your ex.

[veggirl]

Listen, I am aware of exactly what everyone else is aware of deep down inside. That meeting up with an ex is not a good idea.

 

But I can't help it. I'm going to do what I want to do and that is to see him. I might come back on here later tonight with how awful the meet up was or how wonderful it turned out to be. I don't know what will happen.

 

"It's difficult to admit that sometimes we put ourselves in the path of heartache. We see that train in the distance, the whistling blowing, a loud warning, but we still step onto that track. Perhaps, masochism is one of them. But I'm more likely to offer hope as the root cause.

 

Hope is something we have no control over. Whenever we do something, we hope it works out. Which brings up back around to heartache.

 

Even knowing that it might end badly, you go for it anyways. You block out the noise, keep your eyes steady and go after what you want. Knowing is the purest form, that in the end might wreck you. That you might, despite all efforts, end up with your own heart in your hand.

 

In the very instant that you care about someone else, reason starts to pale. When you feel something, you lose the ability to be entirely objective. Affection, love, desire, they make a mess of us. It’s what leads seemingly rational people to sacrifice things that they otherwise wouldn’t. Security, routine, reputation, responsibility, and countless other things are often exchanged in a blind effort to pursue.

 

Because, in the end, we all want to feel something. We want to see and be seen. We want that electric whirlwind of being and becoming, discovering and experiencing. We want that white hot, fierce love. And you have to risk in order to gain. Anyone who tells you differently is either an idiot or a liar. Maybe both.

 

Sometimes, we love knowing that it will end. We can anticipate the heartache, even as we struggle against the idea of it. Maybe it’s better not to know something like that, but it can’t always be helped. There are things you just know. And sometimes, it’s utter foolishness, and sometimes, it’s bravery. In particularly wicked instances, it’s both. But even that won’t keep me from closing my eyes against the foreseeable future, and stepping onto the tracks. Can you say the same?"

 

***I found the above written by someone somewhere on the internet (for the life of me I can't find where I found it, so I can't give the unknown author any credit sadly) but I couldn't have said it better.

 

 

Ugggh there is nothing ROMANTIC about this situation.

 

That quote you posted is ridiculously immature.

 

Listen I was with a guy off and on for four years when I was your age. Wish so badly I'd stayed away the FIRST TIME he dumped me.

 

You are going to get sucked back in. It's sad.

 

I agree you lack self-respect. I did too when I was in your situation. NO WAY would I put up with that s.hit now.

 

Hopefully you get to that point as well someday.

 

The thing is, NOTHING in your R has changed. you guys can get back together and you will break up for the same reasons. Neither of you have changed. It doesn't happen over night, it hasn't happened with either of you, this meeting is pointless.

 

It takes time to get over someone.

 

Drama and dysfunction do not = passion, which is what you seem to think here. You guys are dysfunctional. There is nothing romantic about that. You aren't star-crossed lovers, you aren't meant to be... you are two people who need to realize you are not compatible. Breaking up 5x in a year and a half?! That's insane. I've been with my boyfriend for 13 mos. If he broke up with me, that'd be it. No going back.

[lingardx]

i met with my ex and we are now back together.

but the horrible part is we've had sex twice and i feel like an absolute tart for doing so. we were meant to be taking it slow but because of the spark we still have sex happened, and let me tell you it's not great when there's no emotional connection. so we're just taking it slow with no added extras.

 

you have lots of advice but you keep ignoring the advice you are given. everyone is saying not to meet him and not to talk to him but you're just doing it anyway. i suggest for the sake of you, you have to let this one go. you need to focus on yourself because it will become unhealthy.

 

best of luck