AlisaMarie Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I am just lost with this one and maybe all I need is for someone to give me the advice that I already know... I have been seeing this man since December. He is an ex from a long time ago's friend. Our first couple dates were amazing, along with the first couple months. He was proud of me, talked about me to co workers, and wanted to spend every second possible with me. We live about a half hour apart. As time presses, I have noticed a lot more time passes between our visits and the texts and phone calls came less frequent. When we actually spent time together, it was still amazing. I tried to express the distance is sort of bothering me without being overbearing, he chalked it up as being busy working and other lame excuses. I actually tried ending it a couple times, explaining that I needed more out of a relationship. He promised he would do right by me, and would for a couple days. We never actually defined the relationship, but we were surely exclusive. Now here we are, 9 months later... It has been 4 weeks since I have seen him. He uses work and depression as a crutch but social media has shown me otherwise. I once again told him I deserve more and I want more... a boyfriend. He told me to be patient because he was going through some stuff. The other night, he confessed that he wasn't sure that he wanted a girlfriend. I really don't know what that means to be exclusive with someone but not call them your own. I told him I had no choice but to let go. I blocked social sites and refuse to communicate. I get a text last night explaining how he doesn't want to lose me like this. Well I didn't know he ever had me... right? He said he just doesn't know what he wants but is devastated for me to not be in his life somehow on a daily basis, even if it is just texting. I said fine, whatever, text me anytime. Then he said that he really misses me. Dear friends, help me escape this bullcrap.
TaraMaiden Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Because you know. he's a commitment phobe, but still wants someone to hang around for him. it's obvious he can never give you what you require. don't throw him a pity party. Block contact, do it. For your sake, in spite of him. 1
rach24680 Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I am just lost with this one and maybe all I need is for someone to give me the advice that I already know... I have been seeing this man since December. He is an ex from a long time ago's friend. Our first couple dates were amazing, along with the first couple months. He was proud of me, talked about me to co workers, and wanted to spend every second possible with me. We live about a half hour apart. As time presses, I have noticed a lot more time passes between our visits and the texts and phone calls came less frequent. When we actually spent time together, it was still amazing. I tried to express the distance is sort of bothering me without being overbearing, he chalked it up as being busy working and other lame excuses. I actually tried ending it a couple times, explaining that I needed more out of a relationship. He promised he would do right by me, and would for a couple days. We never actually defined the relationship, but we were surely exclusive. Now here we are, 9 months later... It has been 4 weeks since I have seen him. He uses work and depression as a crutch but social media has shown me otherwise. I once again told him I deserve more and I want more... a boyfriend. He told me to be patient because he was going through some stuff. The other night, he confessed that he wasn't sure that he wanted a girlfriend. I really don't know what that means to be exclusive with someone but not call them your own. I told him I had no choice but to let go. I blocked social sites and refuse to communicate. I get a text last night explaining how he doesn't want to lose me like this. Well I didn't know he ever had me... right? He said he just doesn't know what he wants but is devastated for me to not be in his life somehow on a daily basis, even if it is just texting. I said fine, whatever, text me anytime. Then he said that he really misses me. Dear friends, help me escape this bullcrap. sounds to me like he wants his cake and he likes to eat it too. He only wants you when he needs you, and because you threatened to go before but didn't, he knows he can get away with telling you he'll change and acts sweet for a few days then reverts back to his usual selfish self. If you want to stay in the vicious cycle then by all means txt/call/email him back and go through it all again, but the only way you'll truly get what you deserve is to go NC and get over him, then find the man you've been looking for. My bf split up with me today and at the moment all i feel is anger that i didn't do it first! He treated me like crap because i let him get away with it. Now if he comes running, (which i'm sure he will because i gave him everything he wanted without a struggle) i'll sure as hell delete everything he sends me without any contact, because i deserve better. We were together for 4 years, don't make the same mistake i did by ruining a LOT of years on somone you know will never treat you right, it only makes it worse in the end. 1
Author AlisaMarie Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 Well after much deliberation, I gave him the ultimatum to either be my "boyfriend" or I have be to done. He said he wanted to go have dinner and chat sometime soon. I said no. If he cared 4 weeks would not have gone by without seeing each other. If he cared, I wouldn't even be feeling this way. Love and relationships are work, but do not cause this much hurt inside. I was as understanding and patient as anyone possibly could be... but like any human, my time ran out. He said how much it's going to suck to not have me part of his everyday life, but to me, it sucked to want him, and not have him the way I needed. All he needs is a text from me to make him complete? Sounds to me that that text kept a hook on me, and he knew that. 1
changchewsoon Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 It seems like you're keeping your chin high, good job. He said he doesn't know what he wants, but you on the other hand clearly knows what you want. Please do not settle for 2nd best or anything lesser. 1
slreed Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 I think that cutting off all ties with him for the time being is the best thing to do. If you have laid out your expectations and told him that you wanted a boyfriend and he has yet to meet those expectations after 9 months, then I would just leave it be. As far as him continuing to text you, it may be true that he may not want to lose you or whatever you had, however if he is not willing to enter the type of relationship that you want, then why waste your time, he could be keeping you from someone who actually wants to be your boyfriend. If you feel bad about not communicating with him altogether, then be his friend. By that I mean his friend…that means that you date other people, explore your options, do not put your life on hold, and do not give him any girlfriend benefits whatsoever. And also do not make yourself too available to him (don’t answer his text right away, calls in the middle of the night, or allow him to come over to your house). Also, since he says he is so depressed, he may need to straighten his life out before he considers taking on a girlfriend anyway, if he can’t regulate his life, how can he manage a life with you or a girlfriend in it. 1
Author AlisaMarie Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 Thanks guys! I truly feel in my heart that keeping any kind of communication makes me turn into jello because that's how into him I am. He always texted "i miss yous" and kissed me in public. To be honest- I thought we were together, but being in our 30s just didn't define the relationship. I hate cutting off all ties with him because he is dear to me, and he's not a bad person at all. I just think that throughout the course of the relationship we wanted the same things at first, but people and feelings change. I know he cares about me, he's just not in love with me. But I am completely and undoubtedly in love with him... soooo. Tomorrow is his birthday. The day I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore I wished him a happy early one (I few days ago, and no contact since). Why do I feel guilty? Should I tell him happy bday tomorrow?
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