Mixed signals - what's going on? Frustrated, sad, and devastated. NEED HELP PLEASE!

[supergirl79]

I've made a few posts on here related to the same guy, others have given me so much wonderful advice, but I still can't grasp the situation. So maybe someone can tell me bluntly what's going on because i"m not a crazy chick and I'm honestly starting to be on the verge of insanity! He drives me so crazy and I think he almost enjoys seeing me sad all the time! So here's the deal:

 

We started dating last September and by January - we met each other parents and he was moving in. He is 29 and I am 25. We were so in love, mutually and exclusively - and it was the best 4 months of my life. He showered me with gifts and was so thoughtful and considerate. We did everything together, which tends to happen in the beginning of relationships - I know, but when he moved in, everything changed. He would send me emails, phone calls, text message just letting me know how much he loved me. If I had a bad day, he'd be at my doorstep with a single rose and a big hug. I honestly would have thought we were going to be married by this summer the way things were going - thank goodness I didn't do that!!!

 

The he moved in, and everything changed. He stopped trying on all accounts - he feels that sitting at home together is just fine all the time. As long as he sees me during the day, he's okay. Well, that's not enough for me. I don't see us, spending time in separate rooms in the same house, as quality time - so I would ask him about it. His response is pretty much that now that I've told him what i want, he's not going to jump right up and go do it - and that it's controlling. I did initially start out this relationship very controlling, but we have worked together to change that and now he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants and I generally don't say anything. Then he got a dog, I didn't think it's a big deal - people get dogs all the time, but he's the obsessive dog owner - the dog is literally more important than me. He'll hug the dog and give the dog tons of kisses and attention, but he'll just look over at me with a scowl....no wonder why i cry all the time! I'm an attractive, confident, outgoing girl most of the time - I have a good job and a good education, own my own house - I guess have my sh*t together, which is what he said he wanted. Ever since he moved in, he's started using me as a doormat. Like if he goes out with the boys - I would appreciate a courtesy call if he's going to be after 2AM. He'll roll home at 4 and say that I'm trying to control him and that I don't need to know what he's doing all the time. He constantly turns things around on me to make me look like the bad guy. I went to a wedding on Saturday for one of my good friends ( I wasn't in the wedding) and he absolutely refused to go with me because a guy that i used to date might be there. When I got to the wedding, I was pretty much the only person that didn't go with someone and when I told my BF that he said that "all those guys are pussies and let their wives/girlfriends tell them what to do. I didn't want to go to a wedding with you, so I went to the lake with my friends instead". I was so devastated, I couldn't believe this individual that used to be so caring and would do anything for me, turned into such a monster! Not only that, but he won't invite me along anymore, he'll show up out on a Saturday night without calling (I'd tried to call him to find out what he was doing) and then when I walk up to him he replies "oh, I suppose I'm in trouble now" and "that's why i didn't call you because you'd get mad" - and this is all before I even say anything! I've become this weak, helpless, passive little thing when I used to be known as one of the most confident, outgoing, loud people around! I was always having fun and the center of attention and I used to always be with my BF. Then back in April, he and I were going to take a Vegas together, then he later informs me his entire family will be down there. Okay, no big deal - he and I will still get time together - I told him I'd buy the plane tickets. So I purchased two tickets, we get in some fight about a week before we're supposed to go and he tells me that he's going without me. What? Why is that his decision? He said that he's going down there to be with his family and I won't like it. How the hell did he convince me to buy the plane tickets and tell me it's a vacation for he and i, when he knew he was going to see his family. I ended up not going and he said he'd pay me back for the tickets. When he returned, he refused to pay me and said that he shouldn't have to - that is was my fault he had to go alone. Ahhhh!!! YOu can imagine how frustrating this can be! So I hate to eat the $500 worth of plane tickets because he wouldn't pay - yet I keep him around :-)

 

Now he bought a house and is moving out in 5 days. Lately, every day I come home, he accuses me of cheating on him (when I'm out with my friends), but yet he will never hang out with me! I think he expects me to sit at home and wait for him until he's ready to hang out with me - which I don't do very well! My friends make me feel good, build me up, then I go home and he breaks me down again until I cry. I don't even know if he knows he does it! Last night, I realized that maybe he's the one cheating on me - I mean, most of the time the accuser is the cheater, but I can't prove anything. He doesn't want to touch me, hang out with me, ever be with me - when I'm home he sits in the other room on his video game. I'm a girlfriend of convenience right now, and i really don't like it, but i can't seem to get away from it. He gives me just enough to keep me around when he feels I'm pulling away. I've cried every day for probably a month, because the hurt never goes away and the minute he starts saying something mean again, I lose it right away. When I cry, he just gets mad and tells me to get away from him and that he's disgusted by me. I know it's annoying to always have someone cry all the time, but he just doesn't understand that I'm lonely, confused, frustrated, and sad - and he won't try to even make it better. He told me last night after I started crying to "get the f*ck out of his face and leave him alone" - who says that to someone you love? He says it's "not his job to maintain", which I understand, but he REFUSES to try harder. But yet, he won't break up with me - he continues to keep me around even though he doesn't want to see me, hear from me, or take the time to do anything with me.....I just don't know what to do! He does move out in 5 days, his patterns tend to like me more when I'm gone or out of sight, so I'm sure he'll start coming around again - but do I want him to is the question? I have a feeling I will fall for his charms and won't be able to take the time to get my head straight. He says he wants a girl that is "confident, sexy, and fun; not one that cries all the time and that's why he won't take me anywhere". I used to be that, but he's beaten all of that out of me and i literally don't have much of it left. I have all kinds of guys that are interested in me and lots of good friends, but the one I want, doesn't want me! I even stood in front of the mirror last night (yes, I know this sounds crazy) and tried to convince myself outloud that "he doesn't care about you", "he doesn't care about you" - I thought eventually that would sink in, but this morning I cried again so apparently it hasn't :-) I honestly don't know what to do, whether I want my man back and if so, how to get him back because he's obviously no interested in me right now and I hate to say this, but I meet all of the things he looks for, I don't think he'll find someone better that fits him - but I think he may be a case of "the grass is always greener". I just don't know if he's worth my time and how to get through the next 5 days of living in the same house, without crying and without fighting with him (mind you, this is MY house). Does anyone here have any advice? Be blunt if you need to, but I need to figure this out. I have lost my sense of self, my confidence, and my self worth all over what I call, an emotionally abusive man that didn't always used to be. But I love him, for some strange reason. Sorry this is so long, I'm in dire straits over here!

[tanbark813]

I can't for the life of me understand why you want to stay with him. You keep saying you do, but you don't state any real reasons for why. Plus, the fact that he moved in so soon into a house you owned, had you buy the plane tickets to see his family, only goes out with his friends, and is buying his own house to move into soon, all sounds like he was just using you to temporarily better his own financial situation. It sounds like all the wooing in the beginning was just an investment to save a couple bucks for the down payment on his house.

 

Sorry if that's blunt, but that's what you wanted.

[supergirl79]

You're right, I never mentioned any of the good things - well, there aren't any right now. I choose to remembe what he USED to do, and choose to forget all of the bad things he does. And thanks for the blunt comment, that's exactly what I want because i'm sure I sound like the biggest idiot! I need to get to the angry stage, and what better than to have people lay it on the line for me :-) Thanks.

[lnichols]

I know this sounds rough, but if he is moving out in five days, why wait? Turn the tables on him and tell him to get out of your house now. If he tells you he has no place to go, tell him that's not your problem. Did you go to Vegas? Did he pay you for the ticket you bought him? Ask him for the money back.

 

After he moves out, dont contact him. Don't be suprised if he doesn't start turning on the charm again after you have cut off the contact. Find someone who loves you for the person you are and who wants to share your love and interests. You can do better, I promise.

 

When I read that thing about the dog, I thought "OMG!" That sounds just like my former boyfriend. We once get into a fight over the fact that I wanted some attention and he was giving it to the dog! I told him that the next time he wanted someone to suck his ****, to go see what the dog would do for him!

 

After I moved out, he acted all hurt and started to come over again. Too late!

 

There are a lot of men out there who will share your interests and love you for who you are without all this controlling bull. Don't settle. You will regret it later. Good luck.

[ntovrhm]

After my recent break up, my friends was listening to me tell her about my problems, and then she quoted this from the bible, its said at a lot of catholic wedding:

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

 

Now I'm not a religious person, but it was like a glass of cold water to the face and made me realize, my relationship with my ex at the end had no relation in reality to the things in that quote.

 

May you should evaluate the relationship along those terms. It really helped me put it in perspective.

[supergirl79]

ntovrhm - that is such a wake up call for me! I think I'd heard that saying before, but never really applied it to my relationship and just realized, none of what it says is what's happening with us! He is self centered, proud, boastful, easily angered and keeps records of wrongs - wow, you hit it right on the head! I thank you so much for sending that my way.

[Debster]

Don't let him stay until he moves, I say KICK HIM OUT NOW.

He treated you horribly and you are better of without him.

Good luck.

[ntovrhm]

. . .I have heard the words before, but never really listened. And I know it is possible to have that real love, because I did have a relationship like that with someone else.

 

Glad it also helped you.

[jmargel]

He is emotionally and mentally abusing you. If he's moving out then it's a blessing. I doubt he would want to goto marriage counciling. Are you sure he's not taking any drugs? For such a drastic change, one has to wonder.

 

You sound like a very sweet & beautiful woman. Alot of guys out there would be lucky to have you. You don't get any bonus points after you die, trying to save this man. He needs to find out for himself what he is doing wrong. Trying to make him see that is useless. He'll just resent you & blame you for more of the wrong doings.

 

Let him go, let yourself have the last word. Otherwise the way things have been going, it could turn to physical abuse down the road. Don't wait for that to happen. The abuse you are getting now is just as bad as being physically hit.

 

Come here anytime you need. We all care about you

[supergirl79]

Thanks jmargel - I guess i've been in denial about what he's doing, but have come to the conclusion that it's a lost cause - just having a hard time getting out. Everyone in here has helped me put it in perspective and realize what's out thee and I thank you for that. He did start doing some drugs, but just pot (that I know of anyway)....I do love your saying about not getting any bonus points after I die, wow, really makes me think why I've been trying to help/save him and make him understand! I"ve lost a lot of tears, sleepless nights, and friends over him and I really wonder why I continue. You really helped boost my confidence today and sometimes those nice words are exactly what I need to hear. :-)