spookie Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 I have a habit of questioning relationships during times of stress. Is this normal? Anyone else do this? To give you more details, most of the stress in my life is relatively self-imposed, for example, meeting my own deadlines for professional/ educational accomplishments. I handle the stress in a fairly productive manner, namely by working myself to a pulp. For example for the last month I have worked 7 - 11 almost every weekday, at the cost of my mental health (tearful breakdowns on on my drive home were common). My relationship is affected thusly: 1. Emotionally I'm checked out 2. I begin to judge my partner for not working as hard as I do, wonder what the differing levels of drive will mean for our future Is this normal? Justified? Am I an a$$ohel? How do I deal with this pattern without messing up my relationship? I am considering getting some therapy to talk these issues through.
CarrieT Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 I am considering getting some therapy to talk these issues through. What an excellent idea... And, yes, many of us do this very thing. I am probably in the healthiest relationship of my life right now. Yet I am unemployed and the stress of looking for a job is making me question my self-worth. It is perfectly normal. But, for you, I would still recommend therapy...
Woggle Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Find a better outlet for your frustrations than taking them out on your relationship.
Ami1uwant Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 I have a habit of questioning relationships during times of stress. Is this normal? Anyone else do this? To give you more details, most of the stress in my life is relatively self-imposed, for example, meeting my own deadlines for professional/ educational accomplishments. I handle the stress in a fairly productive manner, namely by working myself to a pulp. For example for the last month I have worked 7 - 11 almost every weekday, at the cost of my mental health (tearful breakdowns on on my drive home were common). My relationship is affected thusly: 1. Emotionally I'm checked out 2. I begin to judge my partner for not working as hard as I do, wonder what the differing levels of drive will mean for our future Is this normal? Justified? Am I an a$$ohel? How do I deal with this pattern without messing up my relationship? I am considering getting some therapy to talk these issues through. Your stress is self imposed...you have a problem only you can fix by getting counseling.
veggirl Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Sure that's normal. Your career is prioritized over everything else. That doesn't really bode well for your relationship, and why I don't get involved with workaholics. If you expect this to continue (this amount of stress at work) you'll likely have to choose between your job and your R, unless your partner is veeeery understanding and cool with playing 2nd fiddle. Perhaps you'd be better suited with someone who is as focussed on work as you are.
morichu Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Is this normal? Justified? Am I an a$$ohel? It's absolutely normal. I've ended a 6 month relationship because it was starting to get in the way of my schoolwork. It will probably break their heart at first but they'll get over it
CarrieT Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 But, for you, I would still recommend therapy... Apologies... I was confusing you with Spooky48 for whom I have been recommending therapy in a number of threads. I had "therapy" and "spooky" on the brain for this comment.
carhill Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 My relationship is affected thusly: 1. Emotionally I'm checked out 2. I begin to judge my partner for not working as hard as I do, wonder what the differing levels of drive will mean for our futureYou've made choices. You choose to emotionally check out. You choose to judge your partner for not working as hard as you do. Those choices have consequences and responsibility attached. Is this normal? Justified? Am I an a$$ohel?Normal? IDK, do you think it's normal for you? If so, it is. A more important question to ask, is it healthy? Justified? Same question. Since you're judging your partner, apparently the answer is 'yes'; you are justified. Again, I ask is this healthy? Are you an azzhole? IMO, no, but you apparently have some thoughts/feelings which impel you to ask that question. Explore them. Our psychologist once explained that any behavior or behavioral set which impedes the formation and maintenance of healthy interpersonal relationships bears scrutiny. How do you feel about that? Everything you do is a choice, except if/when you die a natural death. Between now and then there are billions of choices to make. Which ones will you make today? How do I deal with this pattern without messing up my relationship? I am considering getting some therapy to talk these issues through. If you want to sincerely explore other options and potentials, professional therapy could be one way of doing it. Everyone is different. The key IMO is desire to make fundamental changes in your own way of processing emotions/stimulus/stress, etc. It only works if you want it to, and then it's work, like that 7 to 11 stuff. The hardest work you'll never get paid to do. Good luck. 1
Badsingularity Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 (edited) You admit what you are doing is causing you a huge amount of stress and to have almost daily emotional break downs. Do you think this is good? or healthy? You think your partner should subject himself to the same thing? Why? If he was doing the same thing do you realy think you would have a happy stable relationship with two people who are always emotionally drained, stressed out, and on edge ? Many women seem to completely tie their self worth to their "acomplishments" instead of who they are as a person. It's sad. Searching for happiness where you will never find it and questioning others who aren't doing the same. Edited August 17, 2012 by Badsingularity 1
rocketman122 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 because youre in stress and decide to invest all your energy in work is good. but to expect your partner to do the same is ridiculous. I could do the same with my bodybuilding. because I put a lot of energy into that should I expect my partner to all of sudden get into the gym and put the same amount of energy as me? yes youre an ******* to expect someone to act like you. and working 7-11 everyday will affect your relationship unless that person is patience and understanding of this. its inevitable it will crash especially when you add "im emotionally checked out" I myself could not handle someone working so much and neglecting me. I wouldnt do that to my partner. "differing levels of drive" youre obsessed with work. its not normal. if you said 40-50hours a week then fine but youre way over the norm. a ticking time bomb here and youre to blame.
Author spookie Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 To answer some questions, this is "normal" for me in the sense this has been my pattern in all my relationships. The long hours are temporary, I am studying for a major exam that's coming up in November. Yesterday I took the night off to go out to dinner with my bf and some friends and I feel a lot better today. I do think tho that I need to be more conscious about not taking my frustrations out on my boyfriend.
threebyfate Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 It's more than just taking things out on partners. spookie, you have no sense of balance since your entire personality is like a switch. Go or dead stop. This is something that needs to be tempered or you'll burn yourself out badly. Discuss it in therapy. 1
Author spookie Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 It's more than just taking things out on partners. spookie, you have no sense of balance since your entire personality is like a switch. Go or dead stop. This is something that needs to be tempered or you'll burn yourself out badly. Discuss it in therapy. That's a good point, moderation has never been my strong suit.
beach Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 It's more than just taking things out on partners. spookie, you have no sense of balance since your entire personality is like a switch. Go or dead stop. This is something that needs to be tempered or you'll burn yourself out badly. Discuss it in therapy. I agree. And I don't see how it fair to your BF when you don't have time or energy for HIM. You're also judging him and comparing which is never fair or healthy.You're training him to expect nothing from you - and if he's thinking that's enough he may not be healthy either. Let him go and focus on your work and school for the time being. Practice better balance.
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