NC - I already want to tear my face off!

[ChemicalHalo]

So just over a week ago, my boyfriend dumped me out of the blue. He's 30 and I'm 22. Everything was PERFECT. The last day of everything being fine, he even treated me to Nando's and said he'd buy me a bottle of vino as I'd be staying around his that weekend. We got home, the mood changed. I had a 10 min nap as he was paying me no mind, and I was tired from work. Asked if he wanted to go home or something, as he didn't seem particularly bothered and was glued to his phone. He made a snide comment about splitting up, I start BAWLING and he just flips. Says he's too stressed with all the arguments and leaves.

 

I leave him be. We talk on FB and over the phone a few times and everything flits between normal and weird. I phone him one time and he agrees we should meet up and sort things out. He plays City & Colour down the phone to me , tells me he still loves me and cries. I tell him I wrote a poem just for him and he tells me to FB message it so he can see. I agree to. We end the phonecall. Next min, a FB message pops up - "Great poem. Won't win me back though." I'm like...WTF as he's been making out we'll be fine. I pulled him up about the promise he made, he simply says "I'm breaking it". Spent the day crying so hard. He messages me at 11pm and apologises, saying he was out of order. I ignore him. He responds with "oh you've been advised to ignore me then". We end up talking. He actually changes his mind and wants to meet up to talk about things. I'm petrified he'll bail as is understandable. He keeps reassuring me he won't and how he's going to give me the biggest hugs ever.

 

I keep saying it won't change how he feels though, he's properly leading on saying "It might change everything ". The day before the meet up I tell him I'm having doubts. To which he actually sounded panicky and was like "Well I'm not backing out of it". Blah blah. Tuesday comes. The biggest hug EVER happens. Everything feels so weird but so right at once. We end up kissing, telling each other we love each other. But then he goes weird and just says I argue too much. He drops something in about the age difference, and how he doesn't really see a future. But then we get back on track. He holds my hand and walks me to my bus before catching his train, with a lot of kisses and laughs inbetween. He asks me to let me him know I get home safe. I call him at about 7pm. I think this was one of two calls or something. The second call is where he agrees to give us a second chance. We actually end up "back together". We start discussing things like, how we should see less of each other. What we can do to make it work etc.

 

So I wake up happy as Larry. Get to work. Leave him a good morning text which is odd. Nothing. I wait 'til 1 thinking he's probably still asleep. Nothing. It's coming up to 3 and I'm really worried, not a peep and I know the only thing he has on is a guitar lesson to teach from half 3-4.30. Am worried as he agreed to pick me up from work as well so we could spend time together. 5:00pm. NOTHING. I catch the bus home, freaking out. Trying to call but still NOTHING.

 

Finally about 7pm I get a message, "I've slept on it and had second thoughts". I call in floods of tears obviously, and he just makes up excuses. I'm SO CONFUSED. He just FLITS between normal then mental. The reasons for said break-up, are quite terrible. I don't understand. I've confided in a couple mutual friends who I trust with my life to not say a word - they don't understand. It's WEIRD as he has said he still loves and cares about me through all this - and often we'd share the soppy messages about being the last/first things on each others minds et al.

 

So....DAFUQ?

 

I'm focusing on me now, which is great and everything as I DON'T HAVE TO RESPOND TO RIDDLES - but if anyone could shed light on this behaviour it'd be grand! Today's the first day we physically have not said a word to each other and I HATE EVERYTHING haha x

[ChemicalHalo]

PS: Muchos thank yous to anyone who reads all this. My mind is confused as anything and it just FEELS LOVELY to have no concerns at the moment! It was becoming a nightmare! x

[lil hoodlum]

I'm not really sure what to tell you, but I don't think he should be playing with your heart like that. You also don't deserve to led on and the next moment dropped like yesterdays garbage.

 

I think you should lay down some boundries. For example, he needs to do what he says he will do. If he doesn't maybe you should just blow him off until he comes around crying and begging for your forgiveness.

 

I don't know you or the circumstances of your relationship with him but don't let him treat you in such a cruel manner. When he does things that you find objectionable to you, let him know that you will not stand to be treated like that and then just blow him off until he apologizes and vows to treat you how you should be treated.

 

You need to teach him how to treat you or find someone else who knows what they want and knows how to treat a lady!

 

Good luck!

[ChemicalHalo]

I'm not really sure what to tell you, but I don't think he should be playing with your heart like that. You also don't deserve to led on and the next moment dropped like yesterdays garbage.

 

I think you should lay down some boundries. For example, he needs to do what he says he will do. If he doesn't maybe you should just blow him off until he comes around crying and begging for your forgiveness.

 

I don't know you or the circumstances of your relationship with him but don't let him treat you in such a cruel manner. When he does things that you find objectionable to you, let him know that you will not stand to be treated like that and then just blow him off until he apologizes and vows to treat you how you should be treated.

 

You need to teach him how to treat you or find someone else who knows what they want and knows how to treat a lady!

 

Good luck!

 

 

I really appreciate this! It feels so strange. I think he's just more sensitive than I thought and it seems he's offended by EVERYTHING. The debates we would have always boil down to a chicken/egg scenario. He bangs on about how unhappy I've made him with arguments, yet he never spoke to me about how much it affected him so I don't see how I'm meant to know. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 16 as well and has been on meds since - I don't know if that throws anything into the mix! But he did say stress is what made him ill last time.

 

My previous boyfriend was a lot, lot worse than this and that resulted in counseling etc - so I know I'll be fine no matter what and I'm not going to end up a shriveled husk of a body...would just be nice to have him back! Just the unavoidable worrying phase haha!

 

Thanks so much again x

[lil hoodlum]

I fear that if he was clinically diagnosed Schizophrenic, you have an uphill battle ahead of you. Maybe since the two of you aren't speaking you should think long and hard about what you truely want out of life and what is important to you in a relationship. If he doesn't fit in with what you want, you might consider moving on a finding someone who shares the same goals as you.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't deserve another chance or not because I'm sure he doesn't want to be suffering from this terrible disease. YOU need to find out what is important to YOU.

 

Good luck!

[ChemicalHalo]

I have confided in a few people and am getting conflicting advice. All the girls are advocating the NC rule, but boys are just saying I should just text him and ask for an explanation etc. I don't know what to do. 2 days is nothing and I don't want to initiate anything soon - but why should I text him when it's all his doing?

 

I don't know what to do. I hate this so much, ugh.

[TaraMaiden]

I don't know what your age difference is, but there's 5 years between me and my H - and I'm senior. (Edit, sorry - 30, and 22... got it....)

 

I'm afraid I side with your girl friends - go NC, stay NC.

He's had plenty of opportunity to explain, lay out, clarify, apologise, be nice, be contrite, be honest.... and nothing's happened in that direction.

 

don't try to read his head, his reasons or his motives.

You can never second-guess anyone else's intentions, no matter how well you think you know them, they'll always blind-side you with the least expected.

 

So: It doesn't matter what he's doing - what matters is what you intend to do from now on - and i would suggest you read the no contact guide in my signature.

It's great - and it works.

[lingardx]

I have confided in a few people and am getting conflicting advice. All the girls are advocating the NC rule, but boys are just saying I should just text him and ask for an explanation etc. I don't know what to do. 2 days is nothing and I don't want to initiate anything soon - but why should I text him when it's all his doing?

 

I don't know what to do. I hate this so much, ugh.

 

no contact. no contact. no contact. no contact. no contact. no contact. i cannot stress this enough. go no contact for a few days and then maybe text and ask for an explanation but right now texting him isn't going to solve a thing. no contact is a very hard thing to do, after my ex breaking up with me i tried my hardest to go no contact but we stayed low contact. and fortunately i didn't push him away more and we're now back together. go no contact and you'll soon feel better for it

[ChemicalHalo]

It's 3 days today, peanuts! One of our mutual friends suggested I text him just saying like "Hey. Hope the gigs went well" (he had a gig yesterday and Friday night) so it shows you're still thinking of them but no expectance of a reply etcetc - sure this has been written a million times here! It's not a bad idea as this guy is very sensitive. But am feeling to wait out the next 4 days at least (which will be a LOT easier. Never thought I'd be so thankful for a busy full-time job!) and then potentially another week after that if it does get easier...?

[ChemicalHalo]

Actually no. I just re-read that in my head and my stubborn side got the better of me - I DON'T CARE HOW HIS GIGS WENT, AT ALL. I'm going to ride this badboy out. At day 3 it already feels easier not knowing what's going to happen than knowing. I feel like I'm going mad haha! x

[TaraMaiden]

Don't even think about contacting them, ever again, ever, again!

 

NC means exactly that - have you read the signature link?

 

So many people think, "Hmmmm, I'll just drop him/her a text, casually, can't do any harm!"

 

Yes, it does - because what you're doing is validating their ego, and giving it a boost.

 

"Heh... i knew they'd be in touch... I have such charisma - they can't keep away.... "

 

Stay NC - period!!!

[lingardx]

It's 3 days today, peanuts! One of our mutual friends suggested I text him just saying like "Hey. Hope the gigs went well" (he had a gig yesterday and Friday night) so it shows you're still thinking of them but no expectance of a reply etcetc - sure this has been written a million times here! It's not a bad idea as this guy is very sensitive. But am feeling to wait out the next 4 days at least (which will be a LOT easier. Never thought I'd be so thankful for a busy full-time job!) and then potentially another week after that if it does get easier...?

 

if you've not spoken for three days, another couple of hours or a couple of days isn't going to do any harm. i know you feel like you want to just text or phone him but please i cannot stress that it's important you don't. he can't miss you if you're still around

[ChemicalHalo]

So I messed up, as ever - called him on day 5. He didn't answer, but he text telling me he was at the cinema and would call when he was out as he wanted to speak to me. We did so. We got along fine. The following week we texted, LC but it was all lovely. He had been telling me he loves me and that he missed me and was on his mind all the time. So, we arranged to meet up. Prior to the meet up we had the nicest texts, he even called me to play a song for me and had learnt a new one for me too.

 

This meet up took place yesterday. He met me at my work, all was quite awkward to begin with. We go for a meal and the walk there's very normal and flirty as if nothing bad has happened. During the meal we settle in, a lot of eye contact, a lot of "this may actually happen" and a lot of leaning in close to the table as if a kiss may happen. We had planned to go to the cinema but the film was on at 7.30 and it was only half 6, so initially we went to Tesco. He kept getting so close and we hugged so much. As we had time to kill we went to the bowling alley for some drinks, we ended up kissing each other's FACES OFF. He asked me back out basically, I got zealous and was like "TELL ME THIS ISN'T A DREAM", he said it wasn't and that he wanted to risk giving this another chance and told me how much he loved me. Perfect.

 

We decided to spend more time together rather than go to the cinema. I asked if he wanted to come back to mine for some hangs, but was clear he a) wouldn't be getting any or b) didn't have to if he felt uncomfortable. He said he felt ready and good for it, that he'd have to do it at some point. So we get in, he has a few jokes with my Mum. My tickets for a gig on his birthday had arrived - I had asked earlier and he said he'd come. I said I'd try to swap them for Sunday tickets, but he said he would try and get time off work.

 

So we're lying in bed. I'm scared things'll happen so I just say, off the cuff, if this is real please can you make it FB official (looking back, stupid) but he hesitated and said he would do it on his laptop at home. I was like, hmmmmm and just let him know again that sex wouldn't happen - to which he said he didn't expect it too. But then he just flipped. Like day 1, he got his nervous/scared/flustered face on and just said he needed to go home, that he couldn't do this, felt pressured and needed time and space to think. After all that, he said it didn't feel right again. So I'm like...you've got to be ****ing kidding me. And he was throwing out things like "Well it's not like I've SAID anything to make things different" (other than, you know...the I love yous and asking me back out...) Thing is he stayed half an hour to talk, it was still all "I love you"s etc and he even kissed me properly before he left. He did say that he wants to take things slow, so I may have seemed a bit eager. But come on, who wouldn't make that mistake.

 

Now I know everyone will assume "PLAYA!", but he really isn't. I just don't understand. He just "goes weird" (for want of better words).

 

Does anyone understand this? Because I've spoken to my friends who have met Dave and actually liked him, and they're like "....What?". It literally makes no sense how somebody can switch so much...

[TaraMaiden]

*facepalm*.

 

 

You just dodged the FWB bullet.

[geegirl]

He's not flipping from "normal to mental." He's just not wanting commitment and the thought of it gives him hives. Not literally, but it's something that he's not comfortable with, ready or want. Hence, his constant comments about feeling pressured. He just cannot handle it.

 

The moment you want more, he runs away. The moment you're at a distance he wants to be close. Push, pull, hot, cold. He wants you just enough to enjoy you but not enough to take it to any level of true commitment. I dated a guy like your ex for 8 months. He drove me bananas. Five years later, he's still running.

 

Dave may be a nice guy but certainly not a great prospect for a boyfriend. Two different things between being a nice guy and a nice boyfriend.

 

You can continue to yo-yo yourself or accept the fact that you can't change this and move on. If you can be happy just being in a semi R, co-existing without labels and having zero expectations, then keep dating. If you want more, he won't be able to give that to you. It could also be a case where he just doesn't see a future with you, but wants the comfort of having you around.

 

Either way, you need to NC.

Edited August 25, 2012 by geegirl

[It's Just Me]

Ditch the Riddler, and find someone who is more in synch with your expectations, and who treats you the way you wish to be treated. Good relationships are not like this, and do not get better from this type of interaction.

 

I would not waste another second on this. Not worth it, in my opinion.