Can we be "friends" & exes?

[Sugarkane]

Being friendswith exes is over rated. Most exes just want a warm body to sleep with to make it easier to move on. Or an ego boost or just to look good infront of new girls. Like hey I'm really not an Ahole, I'm friends with exes! (like my ex did). Doesn't mean they're a good person. Can mean they're a user like my ex.

[bcm235]

I thought it was possible but it's really not! I split with my Ex six months ago. She always got too close to her male friends for my liking. She got in contact about a month ago and texted loads. I was careful to only respond occassionly. Finally met up with her 2 weeks ago had a heart to heart and it felt like old times! I made it clear that I didn't want to get back with her because I could tell she wanted to. 10 days later she is happy and in a relationship with one of the male friends she was way too close too. Now i'm the one hurting all over again even though I don't want to be with her! Just don't want her to be with him because for me he destroyed what we had. Double blow :/ she still expects us to be friends! She got angry because I said I couldn't go to the theartre with her at the end of the month. Got a date Sunday though with someone new so I hope I can erase her soon!

Edited October 17, 2012 by bcm235

[Lexie82]

I don't think you can be friends with an ex. I tried with mine after he dumped me and it hurt me more and just gave me false hope. I wanted more than friendship and you can't just turn those feelings off. I don't think it's fair on a new partner either. My ex struggles to end any type of relationship as he just wants an easy, non confrontational life so just stays friends with everyone. During our relationship he started sharing an apartment with his ex girlfriend from high school (???? WTF!!!!!!!), was still texting another ex girlfriend and when I discovered he cheated on me with a girl he worked with he still tried to stay friends with her even after they stopped working together to 'keep the peace' and to 'get back to normal' (again WTF???!!!). Him trying to be friends with every ex ended up making me feel uncomfortable and insecure with our relationship.

[CopingGal]

I've only been friends with 2 of my exes. Both treated me pretty good througout most of the relationship. The ones that treated me badly- I want nothing to do with them.

 

In my experience I've learned that people who treat you like crap in the relationship will treat you like crap after the relationship. Changing the relationship status won't make them better people. So for me, if you are a loser as a boyfriend, I'm going to assume you're a loser as a person. I'm just speaking for me, no one else.

[Hobbit]

Difficult question

 

My first ex, no way, I treated her like a crap, but then I was only 19 and only really wanted to get my end away with as many girls as possible

 

My second, again no way, she dumped me on xmas eve by txt and went NC. To date I still dont know why. Karma for my fist GF I think

 

My current ex, my first proper adult relationship and first true love, wants us to be friends because of our children, but at this time I still want more so its civil conversation city rather than actual friends. We'll see, its still early days. I'd like to think we can be friends one day but I need to properly move on first. Unfortunaltey its proving more difficult than it actually looks on paper

[Regrets58]

Nice text from ex today asking how I was doing on this day.

It's the anniversary of losing my wife.

Was touched that she took the trouble.

I am really starting to believe this could become a genuine

friendship.

Maybe not best friends but friends nevertheless.

[SuperGeek]

My ex left me over 2 years ago and it has been quite a process getting strong again. I wasn't perfect in our relationship of 5 years, but when she walked out that door she basically quit on me and on us. For me at the time it was just too much pain to watch her dating other guys and moving on with out me. After I got done making a fool out of myself and trying to beg her to come back I went NC and distanced myself from all her friends/family/etc. I probably lost 30-40 good relationships the day I made that decision, but I had to do it. I had to do it because there was no convincing her to stay. She was gone and i knew it.

 

That first year was very hard and went through extreme depression trying to get over it. I ended up finding out she got married to another guy and eventually also found out later that year they got divorced after about 8 months. Obviously a rebound relationship for her.

 

A little over a year later she contacted me by phone and tried to propose to come back, but at that point i was a guy who had been through a lot of pain getting over her. It was nice hearing her voice and talking to her again but she wasn't the same. She didn't have that zest for me like i remembered her having before. She actually came off cold and made indirect references to things I did wrong in our relationship. She clearly didn't even realize the magnitude of pain I had gone through trying to get over her and move on. It's as if that year for me felt like 10 years and for her a few months. Perception of time clearly wasn't the same for us.

 

I eventually passed on her offer to come back because I realized I couldn't trust her ever again after abandoning me like she did. I still have feelings for her a little bit and probably always will, but I don't trust her at this point and she didn't exactly make much of an attempt to convince me to take the plunge again (basically 1 week over the phone). The communication ended after an argument on the phone about our past relationship. We agreed to no contact and now it's been over 13-15 months ( hard to even remember ) since the last time I've talked to her.

 

Since then I haven't searched for her on the internet or tried to network with anyone she knows. I have completely moved on and it will stay that way. It is a closed chapter in my life. I'm still not fully healed yet, but I've gone out with other women and I've tried to move on. I've gone back to school and I've moved to a new town. My life is completely different now.

 

I'm so glad I put in 'no-contact' because I'd be right back in a relationship with her again and wasting more time. She wouldn't have respected me for taking her back anyway and honestly it felt like I was just some random ex she was calling up in an attempt to fill a void. She had unresolved resentment towards me and would likely have left again to run off with the next guy at some point. The no-contact rule helped me gain the respect for myself to put an end to that abusive cycle.

 

The last few years I still think of her often, but I just try to let the thoughts pass through my head and put them at peace. I know at some point I will meet someone new because I'm doing all the right things for that to happen at some point - I'm at least not tied up with some ex with a ton of past baggage and commitment issues. I had the respect for myself to move on when I deserve better for a life long partner.

 

My advice: While it's hard to start NC at first it's a complete necessity if you want to move on from a painful break up. Some breakups don't require this, but if a true love of yours has left you and it's just not repairable or you know you can't ever trust them again, you have to leave it in the past and move on. Otherwise you'll just be re-living the past over and over and life is just simply too short for that, not to mention it's just too much pain to keep feeling over and over everyday.

 

I'm still damaged from the pain to be honest and I'm very cautious now about getting involved with someone new. I pay attention to red flags a lot more than I ever have. Not sure if a love will happen for me any time soon but I'm okay with that. If it's supposed to happen again then it will, just like my last relationship occurred.

 

I wish my ex the best in life and hope she finds what she wants. I will never know since I will never search for that info, but I hope she finds it. I will forever remain in ignorance about her as that's just better for me and my mental state - it can do me no good to have additional info.

 

Anyways, just wanted to share my point of view on a very important topic to me. No contact is essential if you want to move on in my opinion. It was essential to me moving on. Everyone is different however.

 

SuperGeek

Edited October 22, 2012 by SuperGeek