Can we be "friends" & exes?

[lovejoy41]

I just thought I would share my experience with this. I hope that I don't push any buttons with this topic. Therefore I will state beforehand, "Every situation is different and we all have freedom of choice".

 

I have found that continuing to be friends with my exes backfired big time. I don't know maybe it depends on the terms you bu on. It's kinda funny, I'm going through a bu with a fwb of 5 years(), Yeah that long. Anyway, I have 2kids by a man and years and years later I got married to another man who doesn't have any children and we didn't have any. As you might've guessed neither the relationship with my kids father(in 1995) made it nor did my marriage(in 2004 ended in 2007).

 

My 1st encounter was with my ex husband. After 3 years NC he showed up at my door. We talked & he told me how everything that I told him about him reaping what he sowed had come true and that he wasn't happy with his new relationship. He lived with this woman and was unhappy. He said that he still loved me and that she knew it. I reluctantly listened to his pathetic whining and we agreed to be platonic friends going forward. He knew that I was already dating my fwb and had no problems with it. Fast fwd 1 month later, we're having laughs about our horrible past, visiting my mom(per his request) and having dinner and just being good friends to each other.

 

Then one night he calls, I tell him I'm going out with my friend and he loses it! He starts cursing and hanging up on me! I'm like ??? He then starts to call my house repeatedly stalking my kids long after I've left my house and while out on my date. So, I told my kids not to answer and I put NC immediately into effect the next morning. Not long after i found out that he was still living with the gf and that she'd put him out. It even got so messy to a point where his gf had access to his facebook and she found me, then had her sister harassing me until I threatened her with the police. smh I haven't heard anymore from him since 12/2011. Fail #1.

 

Fail #2

 

My kids father went through a divorce with the woman whom he got with after our bu in 1995. He married in 1999 and they divorced this year. Same scenario he calls and makes his way over to see my sons and then requests to talk to me. He gives me the whole pathetic spill about the divorce and he's hurt blah blah blah... So we agree to be friends and because we were best friends before the kids I thought "What could it hurt"? Well long story short he found my BFF on a dating site and secretly tried to date her& she told me about it. All of this after several failed attempts at trying to get back together with me and no I didn't want him back because he was a cheater and liar. I mean I know we're not together anymore but d**n my best friend? That's in the "Women's Book of Dating Rules". The ultimate" no no" for some of us women.

 

So, after finding this out & given that my sons are now 17 and 21 and I no longer have to communicate with him (unless it's an emergency) I told him that I want nothing more to do with him(outside of my sons)& went NC on him as well last month. He has apologized via text, made attempts to call my cell(which I blocked him) and asked for me after he talks with my youngest son on the home phone to which I reply"I don't want to talk to him". I did tell him that I accepted his apology but that I still don't want anything to do with him.

 

I've been NC with my ex friend now for 2 1/2 weeks. He knows that he has NO SHOT at even a friendship with me again & he'd better not even come to my door! But long story short for me I've learned that an ex should stay an ex and if they come crawling back with sob stories of their failed relationships or marriage,(which I believe is KARMA!) I'll be polite about it but I most definitely will keep that door closed even if it's "can we just be friends?"

 

Just thought I'd share my experience with that. To all of you who can be mature& maintain friendship with an ex, I think it's great but it's definitely not for me.

Edited August 17, 2012 by lovejoy41

[carhill]

YMMV, as you stated, and I can't think of one friend in my social circle who is close friends with an exH or exW, so your experiences/perspective are supported by those anecdotes. Myself, I see it pretty simply. Each of us has a choice as to how we prosecute friendships and act within them. If there is a common bond of respect, love and trust, similar interests and philosophies, etc, sure, a friendship is possible and healthy. If not, not.

 

I've experimented with this a bit after getting divorced and the results have solidified my perspective on the matter. I've opined in other threads that if my exW and I were truly friends, we'd still be married. The fundamentals of that disconnect are largely the reason why we are both divorced and nothing more than cordial within our social circle. This mirrors much of what I know about friends, both male and female, and their ex'es. Most recently saw an example at the wedding of a friend a few weeks ago, with regard to his parents. Good information.

[lovejoy41]

YMMV? Sorry, but I'm no good with abbreviations other than GIGS or NC on this site.

 

And that's it, it's about the trust and respect of the parties involved and my exes didn't have that for me even as a friend. I posted this because I was just curious to hear stories as to if this had worked out for anyone, not to judge others if it has. I'm only saying that it didn't work for me.

[carhill]

YMMV= your mileage may vary = your experience may differ.

[Tyler.]

I was never able to be friends with any of my exes, there were still feelings, or there would be jealousy. For example i couldn't introduce my new gfs to my exes, sometimes they would get jealous by just seeing me with another girl. So in my experience, exes can't be friends. Like close friends or anything like that. But there are some people that make it work, don't know how they do it Because in my experience, no matter how much time passes there are still some feelings, not necessarily love but, some feelings left.

[Blastoplast]

I'm struggling to remain friends with my EX. She wants to remain friends, but I want more. Not necessarily physical intimacy, but having her in my life on a daily basis. It's just really hard... Last time we met, I could see tears welling up in her eyes before she left, I told her she could use a hug so I hugged her. It just felt so good and right, but when I tried to break off the hug, she kept holding me and didn't want to let go. I had a hard time after that, because clearly she still loves me and it's nothing that I did to have us break up. This is about her finances and it interfering with our relationship. My heart tells me to maintain a friendship, but my brain says no. It's just hard letting go of somebody that's been such an integral part of my life -- 25% of it in fact!

[nevadagirl]

I've opined in other threads that if my exW and I were truly friends, we'd still be married. The fundamentals of that disconnect are largely the reason why we are both divorced and nothing more than cordial within our social circle. This mirrors much of what I know about friends, both male and female, and their ex'es.

 

You said this perfectly.

[YorickBrown]

I always go back to the line in the movie When Harry Met Sally: "is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.":p

 

Of course, this is somewhat silly...(uhmmm...maybe), but then when you think about it...it kinda make some sense. After all, that's where the attention, competition, frustration(?) jealousy and suspicion etc comes in a relationship right?

 

I dunno, nowadays, there's this thing called Friends with Benefits (which incidentally is also a movie), something which my ex wanted to watch....which we didnt really gotten around<sigh> How does that work in real-life anyways?

[lovejoy41]

Yorick, I'm sorry but I don't think you really want to know the answer to that question. The only benefit I've seen in it is that the guy gets the benefit of having sex when he wants with different women. The woman can choose to do the same but I rarely see it. Sometimes FWB's might spend time together, do dinner & a movie, etc.. just depends on the guy. Usually both parties agree that it's not a committed relationship but mostly fun & casual sex. I'm not going to stir up arguments on this thread about the whole FWB thing because this thread is about staying friends with your ex. I just know that from most cases(including mine) it's usually the woman that catches feelings and ends up walking away hurt or being dumped by the guy.

 

I've actually watched both movies "Friends with Benefits" and "No Strings Attached". If you really want a more in depth description of what goes on in a FWB situation you REALLY should watch those movies. Although I must say that these types of situations don't always end up with happy endings as portrayed in both movies.

Edited August 18, 2012 by lovejoy41

[kindest]

I don't think it's possible, especially when the breakup is still fresh. In the future you might be cordial but it ends there. Friendship with an ex is awkward and unnatural, and anyone who claims it isn't so is lying. There is an ulterior motive in being friends with your ex. Millions of people in the world to be friends with, why would you choose to be friends with someone who has baggage and/or unresolved issues that concerns you.

 

My ex wanted (and still wants) to be friends with me. I tried but just realized that it's not possible. And I don't really believe all he wants is friendship. I'm sick of all the games he's playing.

[lovejoy41]

@ kindest

 

That is so very true! You hit it on the head. Sometimes they have a hidden agenda and they'll throw out the "friend card" to win you back or to get you in bed. It might not happen right away but they eventually try. I discovered that with both of my exes. Ex-husband was ultimately looking for a new place to nest and wanted to remarry me & what better place than to nest with the ex(had I been dumb enough to do it). And I won't even talk about why I didn't want my ex husband back. It's way too painful and personal. The kids father eventually sprung this "Let's see what having sex with each other is like now that we are older" crap on me. Ugh, I was disgusted! I mean really, we haven't been together since the birth of my 2nd child in 1995!!!

 

SOME exes may genuinely mean well, but I'm just saying that MINE didn't!

Edited August 19, 2012 by lovejoy41

[villageman]

Yeah, I am going through this right now. After I broke up with my ex about 6 months ago we didn't contact each other for about 2 months, and then I made the mistake of writing her an email offering an olive branch, mostly because I felt bad about the kind of boyfriend I'd been and wanted to apologize, but also because I missed her and just wanted some contact with her, even if it was just a mail or two, and partially because really, I hoped she still had feelings for me.

 

It was not a good idea. We've been in contact, and have tried to be friendly, even met up for dinner once, and it's basically been terrible. I still miss her, so trying to be friends just brings up all sorts of unresolved feelings on my end, and makes it almost impossible to try and move on to another person. She, even though she's happily with another guy, seems to have some unresolved anger and bitterness about how our relationship was, and so even though she's usually friendly she sometimes says some things that are pretty mean, and I don't think us being in contact or trying to remain friends is good for either of us.

 

I think, at least in the short term, and maybe even in the long run, if you have a good enough relationship with your ex that you can actually be a real friend for them and they can do the same for you, where you genuinely enjoy each other's company, support each other, etc, then why are you broken up in the first place? When a relationship is broken, in my experience it's better to just let it be broken, stop trying to patch things up, even as friends, and just move on. It sucks, but in the end I think it's probably the only way to go.

[kindest]

@villageman

 

Ya I pretty much feel the same thing. I'm not with anyone though and I still have feelings for my ex, but I do feel some bitterness towards him. He was being friendly to me and all, I am not even sure if he is sincere about being friends, but the bitterness that I've been feeling is all too much for me to handle. I had to cut contact.

 

Were you ever straightforward with how you felt about your ex or did you always just pretend that all you want is to be friends?

[Sugarkane]

Thankyou finally someone who feels the same as I do! Yet sometimes people attack me for being against friends with exes. Each to their own, if you want to be a glutten for punishment!

[lovejoy41]

@ Villageman

 

I agree. You see that's another thing about "being friends" with the ex. There may still be unresolved feelings there or more often bitterness is present. Once again, it depends on the nature of the bu. Sometimes people will agree to be friends after a bu, but not be completely over it & you'll see some anger or bitterness come out of them at some point. In my cases, these men cheated and lied so even though it was in the past I was still feeling a certain way about that. It kinda takes me to that old saying "You can forgive, but you never forget". When it comes to the father of my children it was just incredibly awkward because we hadn't been friends in forever.

 

Also his exwife was a very controlling, insecure woman which made trying to be casual or friendly with him very difficult. She didn't even want me to speak with him when it came to my children(this is when they were young). She always took control of the arrangements to come pick them up in addition to anything else that concerned them. So that alone left me bitter because I felt like at some point in that marriage he should've grown some balls and told her to back off when it came to anything that concerned me& his children.

 

As for the fwb that I dropped a few weeks ago, I don't want to be friends with him because I thought that's what we already had was friendship. Apparently he didn't, because friends don't hide their relationships nor do they disrespect each other. I know that I still have feelings for him, but I don't like him very much anymore. Long story short, I'm still angry and hurt but I also still care very much about him. Those are way too many emotions to be trying to juggle around even if the possibility of "being friends" with him was there, but it's not. So if mos or even years pass by & he tries contacting me, without question I would opt to keep that door with him closed. However, due to the fact that I don't plan to break NC and he's been blocked on my phone, the only way he would be able to contact me is to come to my door. I could be wrong but as arrogant, cocky, and as selfish as he is in addition to how disrespectful he is towards women, I don't think that I'll have to ever worry about him reappearing.

Edited August 19, 2012 by lovejoy41

[Renard99]

I'm friends with only one ex from many years ago. We only broke up because of distance when heading off to college and we ended it as friends. Then, once the years of education had past and we'd both moved back to the same area, we started to meet again and things were very friendly. We basically then picked up where we left off just without the 'relationship'. Enough time had passed for feelings to have receded and we had both moved on. She shares my passion for motorsport and we still meet every now and then to discuss all things car related.

 

I consider that a little different the majority of breakups in that we ended it as friends and that we were young, without a fully developed range of emotional bonds. I see it as a 'one off'.

 

As for the more common 'one dumps the other' type breakup, then, no. I don't feel you can be friends. My current ex wanted to be friends after she dumped me but I just couldn't do it. I never wanted her to leave in the first place so having her parade around infront of me labelled 'friend' when I wanted so much more would be torture.

[Regrets58]

In my experience friends only works when all romantic emotion has gone.

My recent ex pursued a "friendship"soon after dumping me.

Still not sure of her motives.Probably a mix of many.Safety net,liked my

company,uncertain she had done the right thing,wanted me in her life

somehow,to hold her hand whilst she transitioned into single life.

There was a lot of affection and we spent some good times together.

All it did really was mess with my mind and prevent me from letting go.

She has now met someone else and still says she would like to be friends.

Though I suspect this is to make her feel better and is an empty promise.

Not heard from her in 2 weeks and have no intention of contacting her.

I still have feelings for her and don't want to start the cycle again.

Probably as my feelings fade I won't want friendship anyway.

[Sugarkane]

What's the point in being friends with someone who doesn't even care about you anymore? And who thinks that they can do better than you?

[Dessembrae]

Yes, I'm friends with the majority of my ex's but for the most part my break ups weren't really bad except for my friend ex who wanted to date me but still see other people...that wasn't happening. It really all comes down to your attitude whether you're will to forgive them or not and the amount of time that's passed where you can see them with someone else and be legitimately happy for them.

[CopingGal]

Not going NC right after I dumped my ex was one of the worse mistakes of my life. He was a terrible boyfriend and even worse friend. His friendship consisted of him confessing to cheating on me, then throwing the woman he cheated with in me face every chance he got and then harassing me.

 

I'm best friends with one of my exes. I was friends after my first boyfriend and I broke up. But because my most recent ex treated me so bad after we broke up, he practically tried to steal my soul, NO more exes as friends.

[lovejoy41]

@Sugarkane Exactly. I think that most of us would agree that it's not smart be friends with a ex who crapped all over you. I know that I'm not agreeing to that. That's why I titled this post the way I did. I hope no one thinks that the title is a question that I'm asking regarding my situation. Lord no!!! The title is just a title that's purely rhetorical. I just hear about this so much on here that I wanted to hear what people had to say on the topic. It seems that most people are against the whole friends with the ex thing though.

[Regrets58]

Had a "good" bu and ex made it very clear why she ended it.

Felt I understood and to an extent agreed with her reasons.

I bear her no ill feelings and feel no bitterness,just regrets.

Hence my username! She seems to want to stay in touch,as

far as I can tell it's genuine.

Top and bottom of it we were too different in tempremant.

Still like her,respect her and would be good to keep in touch.

Think she feels the same way.

Not forcing anything,if we can maintain a casual friendship great.

If it doesn't happen it's fine,we shall see.

Not for everyone obviously.

[Million.to.1]

In the past, i have managed to stay "friends" with some ex's from years ago. Not close friends I might add, just on friendly terms... Mutual friends and work connections sometimes make this necessary.

 

I just ditched my 2 most recent Ex's off facebook. Both treated me pretty badly, one used me as a rebound for 6 months, and the other was a FWB for 16 YEARS who built me up for a relationship because he was having a mid-life crisis, and then dumped me.

 

For the last 6 months, i have tried to be open to being friends with both of them in the future, but honestly.. It's not going to happen.

 

I was only there to facilitate what they needed, and they both used me and showed me no respect, and I certainly don't need "friends" like this in my future.

 

i was trying to be mature about it, and pretend I wasn't bitter... but i am. They are both in new relationships and I haven't been worth a second thought to either of them.

 

It's time to ACTUALLY move on... and leave them in the past where they belong.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

It's an age old question. Can we be friends with our exes? It all depends on the break up and the proximity of closeness in the friendship. I remain friends with some of my exs. Just a few texts now and then mind you, nothing very close. I believe if you remain close with your ex you're going to end up getting back together only to fall out again, or one of you will get let down and hurt.

 

There's one ex, the biggest one, the worst break up I've ever had, whom I really want to get back in touch with - just for the thrill, for entirely all the wrong reasons, but that doesn't change that I want to. However, I don't get in touch. I stay NC because if you've had a very bad break up its best you go your seoerate ways and don't contact each other again. It'll hurt too much.

[lovejoy41]

@ MilliontoOne: OMG 16 years?!!!! Wow, that's just wrong of him. I beat myself up for staying 5 years with my guy as a fwb. Thank you for sharing that because although I have absolutely NO intentions of ever dealing with him again your story just lets me know that they don't change. smh It actually gives me MORE determination to stay with NC. I've been chugging along & it's been over 2 1/2 mos since I went NC and 3 mos since I last saw him. Even if I did ever decide to break nc(which I know I'm not) and accept a call or whatever from him, I can't see myself being friends with him. That's why I never I understood the whole title "FRIENDS" with Benefits. There's nothing friendly about it and how many people actually stay "friends" when this type of arrangement ends? I would hardly call someone who uses me for sex a friend BUT LET ME SAY... that's how I feel about it. DOESN"T APPLY TO EVERYONE. You story just let's me know that I so totally did the right thing by walking away without even giving him a clue that I was. I feel for the poor girl who has him now. smh Oh Well!

 

Thank you all for your comments regarding this topic. Please keep posting. I value everyone's opinion.