Snowballing for 2 years

[Tyrus89]

Hey everyone, I hope to make this as short as possible, so here it goes.

 

I was with my ex for 2 years until I finally decided to break up with him due to many reasons. I was in college at the time, and he was my best friend. We would do everything together, and because of this, I never really became close to anyone else I was in school with. I also moved off campus for my last two years. He would come over everyday (we didn't go to the same school) and we would just hang out, study, and do whatever. We even made a decent group of friends there, and another gay couple that we met up with regularly for dinner of movies, etc.

 

Unfortunately things started to get bad between us, lies started, fights that got physical, and then eventual cheating. The couple stated above wanted a threesome with just him, and decided to do it in the next room while I was sleeping one night...(I'm a heavy sleeper.) I found out from a mutual friend, and we broke up, on and off for a few months, and reconciled after I went abroad for a semester. I also started to see a therapist to deal with the sadness that turned into depression. They started me on medication.

 

After that, there was hardly any trust between us, and I cut off most contact with the friends I had made through school because I felt they weren't trustworthy. This continued for the last semester of college, where I felt I came out of college the same way I came into it; with no friends. (I had friends from high school who I keep in contact with, but not on a daily basis.) I couldn't even feel happy about graduation, and felt I had failed. I didn't have any job offers coming out of school, which even now I don't have any either. The economy is to blame also, but it makes me feel worse.

 

Anyways, he moved to Boston to work on his degree, with which I helped moved and would visit almost every weekend I could to make it an easier transition. I couldn't move down there with him as we had planned earlier, as I had to finish up school at the time and I didn't know where I would be working, and might have to relocate anyways. Then he finally met someone, and moved in with him, and now they are happy. At least what I saw through FB and friends, but I started keeping NC after they had moved in together.

 

To make matters worse, after graduation and dealing with my ex finding someone new, my stepfather was diagnosed with liver cancer. (I moved back in with my mother after school.) To help make sure my mother could cope easier, I volunteered to drive him to chemo and help take care of him at home so she could keep her mind busy with work. He didn't last very long, and passed away about a year ago in November. To cope with the loss, mom stayed out of the house as much as she could, and I don;t blame her, I would need to do the same. However, it made it so I could never see her, and that I was even more alone than I was before. Just me in an empty house...she still stays away as much as possible, and therefore we hardly ever talk.

 

I decided in April to move down to FL to where I could live with my cousin and get a new start. It worked for about a week, and I felt homesick along with everything else that was going on. I couldn't find a job down there either where I could support myself. At the end of the month, I decided I had enough and attempted suicide. My mother was there the next day when I woke up in the emergency room. I was sent to a facility to make sure I was non suicidal before my mom and I made our trek back home. That was the worst place I have ever been.

 

Now I am back at home, still without a job I can be proud of, and an empty heart. I barely have any strength to get out of bed, but I manage to go to work, which is the job I had while in High school. I feel more alone than I ever have, even more so than sitting on the couch in FL. I feel lost, but all this time I have been under the shadow of that last relationship. I thought for a while I was finally over it, but I can still feel the hold it has on my heart. I tell my family I'm fine, otherwise they stay home to watch me and make sure nothing else happens...

 

I'm just in search of some advice, coping tips, for someone to lend an ear (or an eye in this case) and help me finally to get over the relationship and person who started it all. Thanks if you made it this far. <3

[not-a-drive-by]

Hi Tyrus

 

If it ever gets tough, know that there are others here at LS to always lend an ear and hear you through your toughest times. Let it out all here. I find it somewhat comforting after posting up my thoughts that I've held in throughout the day and it makes me feel much better after it has been let out.

 

Stop dwelling on the lost relationship (I know, easier said than done - I should take a dose of my own words) and work on today. Take small steps. Have you been applying or seeking for a new job? The job won't come to you. So get off the couch and start searching. Send applications in, and before you know it, another day has passed. And you're doing something to better your situation. Have you ever thought of volunteering? You'll be able to meet new people and help others. Go back to your lost hobbies or make new ones. Anything to get your mind off that you are in a "rut". Don't dwell on that mentality or you won't get better.

 

And...how about getting rid of that couch? .