Need some guidance

[Gaprofitt]

Hi All,

 

I need some words of encouragement or something to help me. I am down in the dumps for sure. In summary my wife left me July 1st with our then 10 month old son, he turns 1 year old next month. She filed for divorce on June 28th.

 

Looking back in a brief summary our marriage of 8 years has severe communication problems, mainly on my wife's side. She would keep everything inside and rarely talk much about things that bothered her greatly. She is one to avoid conflict. An example would be I started working two jobs to support my family, although I really didn't need to I felt an obligation so she could be a stay at home mom. She felt the 2nd job was a waste of time and took away my time with the family, she never directly said this but I come to greatly understand it and that the 2nd job wasn't important to her. These type scenarios would lead to big arguments where I would say hurtful things to her which destroyed our relationship even further. She would also rarely help me with anything I ask or would forget things constantly. She is a great mom and I am a great father. We have both done a lot of wrong things in the relationship. I have said a lot of things I regret in the moment of arguments I didn't mean and I'm sure she wishes she would have been more communicative with me. We waited way too long to go to marriage counseling, I realized I had been controlling and needed to work on some things myself also as a person. Everyone can be a better person.

 

A couple days after she left I was firing off emails pleading with her to give me a chance, I went totally overboard, probably sending her 300 msgs in a 2 week time period. Looking back on July 2nd she had told me in email that she would "see if i could get my stuff straight before the temporary hearing". This gave me a lot of hope. I admit I went overkill with communication trying to win her heart, I wasn't mean or anything just one love letter after another pleading for our relationship with our son. I know this probably pushed her farther away and I regret it.

 

She has been very cold and has made little to no effort to allow me to see my son. We finally have a temporary order where I am seeing him every other weekend, but I can't talk to her or see her in any way. My family has to do the exchange. This has been horrendous as she's been very rude to my sister-in-law.

 

I think my wife is rationalizing in her mind how she thinks I am falsely to make it easier for her to deal with the situation. I have told her I would do anything to fix our marriage. I have been seeing two counselors twice a week for 1.5 months to better myself. I know my wife knows me well, I know she truly doesn't think I am crazy or that she hates me or wants to keep my son from me. I just don't understand her behavior. I wonder why she is acting like this and if it will ever change. It's almost like she's making up stuff and being fed stuff to deal with the situation falsely and to make herself hate me.

 

I never would have imagined in a million years she would have tried to keep my son from me. I am a great father, each time I see him I do everything. I bathe him, change his diapers, feed him, comfort him, laugh with him, hold him and everything a dad should do.

 

I really dislike the person she has become, I know she has to become stronger and not care so much about other people's feelings but she has been brutal. I miss my son greatly and hate that our marriage is ending with her behavior as it is. I wish she would look into her heart and realize she has a husband committed to bettering himself for the marriage and also giving our son the father he needs for our family full time.

 

She recently cancelled my son's birthday party which was suppose to be at a clubhouse where my brother and sister-in-law, niece and nephew live. She said she regretted cancelling it but there was just too much going on. She didn't want the drama, blah blah. The reality and fact is she cussed out my sister-in-law while coming to our house to pickup some belongings and acted like a maniac, calling the police because she wanted to take items not on the court order, it was just crazy. She also got mad because my sister-in-law didn't agree with her about another situation regarding me seeing my son. My family knows I am a great father and so does she.

 

I am just beside myself not seeing my son and seeing my wife's become another person who is spiteful and stuck on some sort of revenge/hurt my husband mission.

 

The sadness of the matter is if she would look inside her heart and not listen to all the outside influences she would realize we have a strong enough marriage to fix it and get the help neccessary and stay a family. I realize it's the 11th hour and i'm 99% sure i'm getting a divorce but I don't think she understands everything this will entail. It's almost like she is living just in the moment not thinking about the future.

 

I have started focusing on myself and the counseling, i've been going to the gym a lot, spending time with family, etc. I just don't understand how she is a different person now or what or who is influencing her to have these false beliefs. She probably thinks i'm dating or something, that's the only thing I can come up with, I haven't talked to one person since she left and I don't plan on it. I'm not remotely ready for that and will not be for a long time.

 

I've learned a ton about myself and have really become a better person since she left. I've learned how independence in a relationship can be a good thing and not discourage it like I did before. I've learned how to listen better and my values have changed. I've learned how to deal with my emotions better and how to control anxiety and keep positive as much as possible. I've learned how to think before speaking to control anything that may be negative or hurtful to another person.

 

 

How do I give up hope knowing we could save our family?

 

How do I adjust to only seeing my son 4 times a month until

we have another agreement? I'm not happy seeing him only

4 times a month.

 

I can't talk to her in anyway via court order, why would she do this to me? I know at first I was bad with emails but I can't even ask how my son is doing nor does she tell me or my family.

 

I'm at a loss as to why she doesn't care at all about my feelings remotely? I still care about her.

 

Why has she become this beast of a person full of anger? She was a sweetheart previously.

 

I care about this woman deeply and our family, I know she knows that. I just can't understand some

stuff she says and the half truths, especially about the birthday party she brought on herself with her actions.

 

 

 

Greg

Edited August 17, 2012 by Gaprofitt

[Tallblueyed]

Some of the questions you ask are immaterial in the sense that there is no answer that will give you relief; you will go crazy trying to answer them.

 

The specifics between our two (impending) divorces are very different, but I might be able to give some insight from her perspective as the ‘driver’.

 

If she is truly done with the marriage then she is going to put forth a united front that appears unbreakable, cold, and calculated. Granted, I don’t agree with her actions (i.e. using your child, arguing with family, etc.), but understand that her instinct is to be strong and definitive in her decision. She may not have the mental wit to verbally articulate a united front, so she is resorting to immature manipulative tactics to achieve the desired result (result being that you resign yourself to the divorce).

 

There will be consequences for her misguided actions; some of them will come with the natural passing of time, some of them might come from the damage of the relationships. But in any event, it is not up to you to point out her mistakes right now...you are the absolute last person that she will listen to.

 

Your priority is you and your child, nothing else matters. The inner turmoil and frustration you are feeling towards her is completely natural; but you cannot ‘react’ to everything she is doing. You must give her space to either calm down or hang herself.

 

Seek legal counsel if you haven’t already. This is a delicate game of chess, and the patient well-thought person can typically persevere – be that person, because she is not.

 

Talk to friends & family. Post online. Talk to your IC. Yell in a pillow. ANYTHING other than communicating with her (directly or indirectly). Even if there wasn’t a legal injunction forbidding you to talk, you should not be turning to her for answers (or questions).

 

Good luck, keep us posted.

[Gaprofitt]

Some of the questions you ask are immaterial in the sense that there is no answer that will give you relief; you will go crazy trying to answer them.

 

The specifics between our two (impending) divorces are very different, but I might be able to give some insight from her perspective as the ‘driver’.

 

If she is truly done with the marriage then she is going to put forth a united front that appears unbreakable, cold, and calculated. Granted, I don’t agree with her actions (i.e. using your child, arguing with family, etc.), but understand that her instinct is to be strong and definitive in her decision. She may not have the mental wit to verbally articulate a united front, so she is resorting to immature manipulative tactics to achieve the desired result (result being that you resign yourself to the divorce).

 

There will be consequences for her misguided actions; some of them will come with the natural passing of time, some of them might come from the damage of the relationships. But in any event, it is not up to you to point out her mistakes right now...you are the absolute last person that she will listen to.

 

Your priority is you and your child, nothing else matters. The inner turmoil and frustration you are feeling towards her is completely natural; but you cannot ‘react’ to everything she is doing. You must give her space to either calm down or hang herself.

 

Seek legal counsel if you haven’t already. This is a delicate game of chess, and the patient well-thought person can typically persevere – be that person, because she is not.

 

Talk to friends & family. Post online. Talk to your IC. Yell in a pillow. ANYTHING other than communicating with her (directly or indirectly). Even if there wasn’t a legal injunction forbidding you to talk, you should not be turning to her for answers (or questions).

 

Good luck, keep us posted.

 

 

Well spoken, thanks for the information. I haven't talked to her in quite some time in any way shape or form which I think has actually helped me. I still have my moments obviously but I've started to focus more on myself. I do wish the best for her and hope she is doing ok. I still obviously love her and worry about her. I have to tell myself she doesn't care about me at all to survive. She has obviously been brutal. I really appreciate your input and insight. I wish the knot in my stomach would go away..

 

Greg

[Tallblueyed]

Well spoken, thanks for the information. I haven't talked to her in quite some time in any way shape or form which I think has actually helped me. I still have my moments obviously but I've started to focus more on myself. I do wish the best for her and hope she is doing ok. I still obviously love her and worry about her. I have to tell myself she doesn't care about me at all to survive. She has obviously been brutal. I really appreciate your input and insight. I wish the knot in my stomach would go away..

 

Greg

 

It is difficult. I am the 'driver' in my situation, but it is still extremely difficult and I have days where I want to throw in the towel and just make this pain go away.

 

Hang in there...I keep telling myself to do the same.

[Steen719]

I wish the knot in my stomach would go away..

 

Greg

 

It will, really, it will. It is hard to believe that when you are in the middle of it, but in a few months, you should be feeling better and be sleeping, eating and living without that horrible knot in your stomach. Hang in there.

[Gaprofitt]

It will, really, it will. It is hard to believe that when you are in the middle of it, but in a few months, you should be feeling better and be sleeping, eating and living without that horrible knot in your stomach. Hang in there.

 

Thanks man, it's just so tough. I know she's not that strong, there is just no way. I keep telling myself it's out of my control and her decision, i've done all I can except continue to better myself which I have been doing. Thanks so much for the kind words. Everyone on here is so helpful to talk to.

 

Greg

[standtall]

Well GA, something is missing here. Women will minor children seldom leave marriages unless.

 

1. Drug/alcohol abuse by either partner.

2. Physical/emotional abuse by either partner.

3. Mental illness by either partner

4. 3rd party involvement by either partner.

 

Which one fits your situation?

[Gaprofitt]

Well GA, something is missing here. Women will minor children seldom leave marriages unless.

 

1. Drug/alcohol abuse by either partner.

2. Physical/emotional abuse by either partner.

3. Mental illness by either partner

4. 3rd party involvement by either partner.

 

Which one fits your situation?

 

I would say she for sure has depression, I have had some control issues and have said some hurtful things for sure I regret. We are both in counseling and I feel like i've changed a good bit with the therapy in how I approach things and being more positive.

 

Greg

[LadyGrey]

Why did she get a restraining order against you?

[Gaprofitt]

Why did she get a restraining order against you?

 

huh? There isn't one.

[LadyGrey]

huh? There isn't one.

 

I quote from your original post, "I can't talk to her in anyway via court order, why would she do this to me? I know at first I was bad with emails but I can't even ask how my son is doing nor does she tell me or my family."

 

You said you can't talk to her anyway via court order, so is that not a restraining order? If not, do explain.

[Gaprofitt]

I quote from your original post, "I can't talk to her in anyway via court order, why would she do this to me? I know at first I was bad with emails but I can't even ask how my son is doing nor does she tell me or my family."

 

You said you can't talk to her anyway via court order, so is that not a restraining order? If not, do explain.

 

 

Oh my bad, it's a no-contact order. I think she couldn't handle emotionally talking with me, i sent too many emails, etc.. I honestly don't know why.

 

Greg

[LadyGrey]

Oh my bad, it's a no-contact order. I think she couldn't handle emotionally talking with me, i sent too many emails, etc.. I honestly don't know why.

 

Greg

 

So this was an order signed off by a judge? You were harassing her?

 

Just for emails?

 

I get a sense that you aren't being completely upfront about your part of the issues? You mentioned you were controlling, is the NC order because the judge said you had been abusive?

 

If you can't be open with strangers on the internet about your part of it, then you can't expect advice that is useful for you.

[Gaprofitt]

So this was an order signed off by a judge? You were harassing her?

 

Just for emails?

 

I get a sense that you aren't being completely upfront about your part of the issues? You mentioned you were controlling, is the NC order because the judge said you had been abusive?

 

If you can't be open with strangers on the internet about your part of it, then you can't expect advice that is useful for you.

 

 

The no contact was because of too many emails.

[standtall]

Lady..I just read some of the OP back posts. It appears to be verbal abuse and mental illness on his part. There are multiple threads with a different take of the situation in each one with varying degrees of blaming himself and his ex.

 

OP...you can only keep on changing and helping yourself. you cannot force her to love you and come back, you can only show her that you have changed in the long term, and the rest is up to her.

Edited August 19, 2012 by standtall

[Gaprofitt]

Lady..I just read some of the OP back posts. It appears to be verbal abuse and mental illness on his part. There are multiple threads with a different take of the situation in each one with varying degrees of blaming himself and his ex.

 

OP...you can only keep on changing and helping yourself. you cannot force her to love you and come back, you can only show her that you have changed in the long term, and the rest is up to her.

 

Thanks, the seperation/looming divorce has been very hard on me, especially with her keeping my son from my, cancelling visitation and just being plain mean. I am doing better but still don't understand, I don't have any mental illness other than being devastated and needing counseling for improving myself. I understand it's not my choice, just so hard to accept.

 

Greg

[LadyGrey]

If you've been abusive to her, I hope for her and your child's sake she doesn't come back.

 

 

Perhaps you need to hit rock bottom before you get the help you need.

 

Also I think it's unfair if you to start various threads and not give the posters who are responding this info, to omit is not giving everyone a true picture.

[Gaprofitt]

If you've been abusive to her, I hope for her and your child's sake she doesn't come back.

 

 

Perhaps you need to hit rock bottom before you get the help you need.

 

Also I think it's unfair if you to start various threads and not give the posters who are responding this info, to omit is not giving everyone a true picture.

 

I've been in counseling for over a month twice a week, you have no clue what you are talking about. I can't repeat all the info over and over again, I can only summarize. A failed marriage is a two way street. It's certainly not all my fault but I am making a lot of effort to better myself as a person as should she. It's not fair to be negative in every one of your posts, give me some credit for doing the right thing.

 

Greg

Edited August 21, 2012 by Gaprofitt