Her lack of communication skills worry me

August 17, 2012

It feels like I'm having a relationship with a real doll. She doesn't communicate whatsoever. She won't initiate a single conversation. She doesn't text me, e-mail me or talk to me. When I send her a text, I will only get a yes or no answer or a smileyface when I didn’t ask her anything. I send long e-mails (fantasies, things I think about, things I worry about in the relationship) and her responses are never longer than a single sentence. If I end one of those long e-mail's with a good night, she will reply back with just that a single 'Good night'.

I have no idea how to go about this. How can I help her to communicate better?

She doesn’t seem interested at all. I need to take control of everything. If I don’t initiate, she will just sit there on my couch like a real doll but with an actual heart beating inside her chest. When we are together, she always takes my hand and holds it as long as possible, when I hug her, she tightly puts her arms around me. While I am writing this, she actually send me a text; Hey, how are you doing? I know she really wants us to happen, but from my point of few it’s very frustrating and it breaks my heart to talk about her like this. I need to feel loved as well. I talked to her about this, she’s sorry, but there’s no change at all. A serious conversation about anything in general is futile.

This is not just how she is with me, she’s like this with everyone else on this planet. She’s socially awkward, an outcast. She needs to step up and take control over this issue, because life won’t be easy on her.

I still blame her overprotecting parents for this.

Should I keep initiating to save this relationship? Or do I need to take a few steps back and wait for her to be more upfront?

Edited August 17, 2012 by Thierro

August 17, 2012

I think you basically need to tell her what you have told us here, and explain your position that for a long term healthy relationship to survive, it takes two to develop a strong channel of communication. If she can't step up to that, I don't really see how it's going to pan out in the long run.

She sounds like an extreme version of a pleaser to me. But unless she herself understands her own limitations and what they imply, there's not much you can do apart from clearly communicate your position on this.

August 17, 2012

Yes she was beaten into passive submission by her religious parents. Not so much out of protection but due to their desire to control her. That's what overprotection is in a way, anyway.

My sister used to be like that (though you could talk to her, she was quite intellectual but otherwise passive) and she only 'grew out of it' in her 30s. She is still very quiet but at least now she is able to have a proper relationship.

If I remember correctly, your girlfriend is very young. She is obviously rather immature as her development has been stunted by her controlling parents.

August 17, 2012

How old are you and her? How long have you been dating ? Are you sexually active? When you confornted her on this issue how long was the conversation and what did she say ? She obviously has some disconnect in the communication department. Sit her down and explain to her that her lack of effort or communication is ruining this relationship and unless things change, you are going to have make some serious changes in your life, and if she doesnt hear from you, she will know she is one of them.

Thanks.

She’s 18 (almost 19) and I’m 25. We’ve been dating for just 2 months. We haven’t had sex yet, but we have engaged in some handwork. I don’t think I can blame this on the age difference. Sure there is a gap between her and I, but she’s surely lacking in the communication department in general. It’s not “normal” and healthy. She will get in trouble when she doesn’t address this.

She doesn’t say anything. She stumbles, feels awkward all the time when I try to have a serious conversation with her. So I try to resort to just no or yes questions; ‘Do I make you feel…’ if I’m lucky she will shake her head in a positive or negative fashion. That’s it.

I want to hold on to her and help her through this. But I notice that a part of me just wants to give up. I already told her that I need more from her for this relationship to work.

August 17, 2012

I want to hold on to her and help her through this.

That's really only possible if she acknowledges it as a problem she wants to address, and takes concrete action to resolve it.

August 17, 2012

Ditto that - and the more you stick with it - the more of an enabler you become, and the easier it is for her to let you do everything, because guess what - you will.

You really need to discuss this constructively - don't accuse or incriminate.

Set her tasks, get her more active in a supportive way - tell her you'd love to do *this* or *that* - but then, get her to do the organising.....

August 17, 2012

I already told her that I need more from her for this relationship to work.

She is 18, barely an adult. Are you sure she is suited to date a 25 year-old?

August 17, 2012

Sounds like it could be because of the age difference. I think for someone who's 18 dating someone older is more than likely looking for the older person to take the lead and make initiative. You are more experienced after all, so it could be that she expects that of you.

August 17, 2012

I think you basically need to tell her what you have told us here, and explain your position that for a long term healthy relationship to survive, it takes two to develop a strong channel of communication. If she can't step up to that, I don't really see how it's going to pan out in the long run.

She sounds like an extreme version of a pleaser to me. But unless she herself understands her own limitations and what they imply, there's not much you can do apart from clearly communicate your position on this.

Hey Denise,

That’s what I did, I told her about my worries. I want this to work, but it takes two people to make it happen. She being a pleaser is something that has crossed my mind. First time we did anything sexual it seemed to me she was already very experienced and giving. I could do anything I want to her. I probably could have had sex with her even though she turned out to be a virgin afterwards.

She’s aware of her lack of communication skills but she has difficulty to react on it and change it. That’s where I want to step in. Her lack of communication is affecting this relationship, but I’m even more worried about how life will treat such behavior. That’s the main reason I started this thread. I want to help her.

Two months isn't a long time. Not to sound cruel, but you are going to get frustrated to the point of resenting her. It sounds like she is not a bad person, but just does't have relationship experience, has a guard up, cannot communicate? What do you have in common with her ? What is keeping you dating her.

I’m already frustrated and annoyed. But I can’t just break up with her without giving it a chance? I like her because she’s intelligent, kind-hearted, she’s adventurous, romantic, she’s petulant.. Some people do consider this relationship more as a rebound though and that I just miss the emotional and physical attention.

Ditto that - and the more you stick with it - the more of an enabler you become, and the easier it is for her to let you do everything, because guess what - you will.

You really need to discuss this constructively - don't accuse or incriminate.
Set her tasks, get her more active in a supportive way - tell her you'd love to do *this* or *that* - but then, get her to do the organising.....

Hey Tara,

Good point. I’ll have to communicate differently so that I can provoke her/stimulate her to support this relationship more actively. That’s going to be a challenge though. Not as easy as it sounds.

She is 18, barely an adult. Are you sure she is suited to date a 25 year-old?

I still have a problem with seeing the age problem here. 18 isn’t that young? My first real relationship was with a 16 year old (granted, I was younger as well, but I don’t feel different or think all that different now that I’m 25). She was also very intelligent and was serious about our relationship. The only downside to dating someone younger is that there’s a possibility that they’ll eventually want different things in life; Grass is greener syndrome.

Has she ever had a proper relationship before ? Is she a virgin? All this disconnect can be inexperience.

I’m her first. I can see why her age is a problem here as well being the first boyfriend. I don’t like it, I don’t like it at all.

I’m in a relationship with her because I want to have a good time. I don’t believe this is a forever thing, but I want it to be serious nonetheless. Is it that naïve to believe this can be something serious considering her age? What am I missing here?

Edited August 17, 2012 by Thierro

August 17, 2012

Sounds like it could be because of the age difference. I think for someone who's 18 dating someone older is more than likely looking for the older person to take the lead and make initiative. You are more experienced after all, so it could be that she expects that of you.

Should I stop taking her seriously because of her age? Does she just want to feel mature by dating an older guy? She told me she's annoyed by how childish guy's of her own age are. I like her because she seems serious and mature as well. Even more so than a lot of girls my own age.

August 17, 2012

7 year age gap. She has no relationship experience. She is a virgin. Not that its bad. She simply doesnt know how to act. She has never been in this type of situation before its all new to her.

Yes, you are right. She simply doesn't know how to act, because she has never experienced a relationship before. But this isn't just an inexperienced girl. Even inexperienced girls aren't so incredibly unaware of things, believe me.

It does feel like a chore, but I believe she has a lot to offer as well, it's just oppressed by her parents.

August 17, 2012

18 is very young. She is a teenager, you are in the middle of your 20s, some guys have a house, a wife and kids by then! Just remember how much you have learned and matured in your early 20s. Even a 21 year-old can't be always compared to a 25 year-old in terms of maturity and life experience.

I think you are mistaking her seriousness for maturity while she isn't really giving you the sort of signals you would expect form a mature adult: being able to engage in conversation, being able to express feeling and thoughts truthfully and eloquently, being able to stand on her own feet, etc.

Is she even ready for a sexual relationship? Considering how she probably won't get on birth control.

August 17, 2012

(granted, I was younger as well, but I don’t feel different or think all that different now that I’m 25).

I hope that's not true

August 17, 2012

Hey Denise,

That’s what I did, I told her about my worries. I want this to work, but it takes two people to make it happen. She being a pleaser is something that has crossed my mind. First time we did anything sexual it seemed to me she was already very experienced and giving. I could do anything I want to her. I probably could have had sex with her even though she turned out to be a virgin afterwards.

She’s aware of her lack of communication skills but she has difficulty to react on it and change it. That’s where I want to step in. Her lack of communication is affecting this relationship, but I’m even more worried about how life will treat such behavior. That’s the main reason I started this thread. I want to help her.

Going back to some of our previous conversations on here, the bold is a bit of a red flag to me. I think you are generally too intent on helping people, before they signal that they want to help themselves. If this is off, I apologise - but I seem to remember this being a pattern you have had in the past which turned out not to be constructive. I would advise you to NOT focus on 'helping' her right now, but just focussing on constructively communicating to her what you perceive as the problems in your relationship. Then assess whether she is willing to address those issues, and whether she is matching that stated intent with action. Only after those things are visible would I get to the point of 'how can I help her'. She needs to step up first.

August 17, 2012

Going back to some of our previous conversations on here, the bold is a bit of a red flag to me. I think you are generally too intent on helping people, before they signal that they want to help themselves. If this is off, I apologise - but I seem to remember this being a pattern you have had in the past which turned out not to be constructive. I would advise you to NOT focus on 'helping' her right now, but just focussing on constructively communicating to her what you perceive as the problems in your relationship. Then assess whether she is willing to address those issues, and whether she is matching that stated intent with action. Only after those things are visible would I get to the point of 'how can I help her'. She needs to step up first.

You are 100% right I think and I recall the OP's posting history in this regard as well. 'Helping' is a double edged sword. I'm still not convinced that an 18 year-old that doesn't have a fully developed frontal lobe let alone a fully developed sense of self needs that much help (that's just by the way).

August 17, 2012

Unless you are inexperienced for a 25 year and close to a virgin I'd move on. Communication is the foundation of a relationship and you are on sepaarate pages there. This young lady needs to date a younger or less experienced man. I've seen an LTR work with a 19 &26 year old, they've been together for 2+ years BUT they're on the same LEVEL.

August 17, 2012

I think you guys are sweet. Thanks for remembering.

Denise, I wrote this before I saw your reply:

I expect too much from an 18 year old when it comes to maturity. Maturity in a girl is one of the first things I look for; The way she speaks, the way she acts and holds herself, her values. I fail to see this in a lot of girls of my age.

But I get it. An 18 year old girl can come across more mature than a woman in her late 20’s. An essential keyword I forgot about however is ‘Experience’. You won’t find that in an 18 year old girl. A girl can be very intelligent and act mature, but she isn’t experienced. In a way maturity has nothing to do with life-experience. I made the mistake to naively believe that a girl that acts mature (no matter her age) is also a greater chance of having a stronger, lasting relationship with.

However, I feel like it’s my duty to help this girl out, be there for her, have fun with her and hopefully learn her a thing or two. I don’t want to break her heart, but if she doesn’t step up soon, I will have to let her down. I don’t want to feel miserable in this relationship. But I think helping her is more important than feeling good. I also use this relationship to see if I have fixed my wrong doings in my previous relationship. I need to know where I’m at and if I can sustain a more healthy relationship with all the knowledge I cultivated in the past. Am I still controlling? Am I still putting her on a pedestal? Am I still insecure? Do I still want to be perfect? Etc.

-----

‘Helping her is more important than feeling happy in the relationship’; There’s the red flag you were talking about, Denise. I as well noticed it when I wrote that down.

I would advise you to NOT focus on 'helping' her right now, but just focussing on constructively communicating to her what you perceive as the problems in your relationship. Then assess whether she is willing to address those issues, and whether she is matching that stated intent with action. Only after those things are visible would I get to the point of 'how can I help her'. She needs to step up first.

I will do that, but I have to be cautious to not activate my ‘helping’-mode.

Breaking up is not an option for me right now, because I genuinely believe that, despite everything going on right now, there’s something we can learn from each other. But yes, if there’s no change at all, I will break up with her. But I’m really not looking forward hurting a sweet girl like that. Me being happy is more important though..

Thanks again for all the masterpieces of advice. Hopefully this will be my last post asking for help concerning this girl. I know all that I need to know.

August 17, 2012

I think you're coming up with all sorts of wild and crazy excuses to justify her behavior. IMO, she's just not that interested.

Btw... Why are you writing her long emails about fantasies and your relationship after only two months? If you feel it's important to even communicate about those things, why don't you just talk to her in person??

August 17, 2012

I appreciate the honesty.

If she eventually steps up and actively puts in effort (and I feel genuinely happy), I don't understand what I am doing wrong if I keep seeing her. There's definitely something I can learn from her, because everyone you'll meet knows something you don't. We can keep it light and if things won't work out in the end we will go our separate way's.

But most of you agree on breaking up with her and not even try to make it work? Only because of the age difference.

Star:

Long e-mails is a bit exaggerated. Just two separate ideas I would like to do with her. Nothing fancy. I also send her an e-mail talking about our relationship. I figured it would be easier for her to open up to me that way instead of talking face to face; something she had trouble with when I asked her earlier.

Edited August 17, 2012 by Thierro

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