frustrated

[merchantofmarvals]

I have been with my boyfriend for 14 years. We hardly have sex. he's always about work. We are both fit. so i don't think its an attraction thing. He does have OCD so he's hard to live with.

 

We are in counseling. I have expressed my unhappiness. I even tell him I am thinking about cheating .

 

I would break up but our life is so intertwined. We own property, businesses, and pets. no kids.

 

I do want it to work. But a girls got needs. lately i have been open to cheating. I have never cheated before.

 

but after 14 years with no vacation, little to no sex in over two years! I am tempted. Either I am paying attention more or I am sending signals because men have been uber flirty.my boyfriend just wants to obsess about his projects , work, smoke pot,and play video games and hes 35.

I know he has a sex drive cause i find porn on his computer. frustrated and sad.

never posted on a site like this. just feeling lonely.

[TaraMaiden]

What will change, if you don't?

 

 

I advise against cheating.

you might as well break up.

 

To say you have many common business/financial interests so breaking up would be hard - is just a cop-out.

 

it can be done - just separate things in a business-like, non-emotional way.

 

Get out of there while you still have the energy to go out and build a life for yourself.

A wasted life is built on regrets.

 

YOLO.

[Later82012]

Whatever you do please don't cheat. Why do not you show him this post? Why is he so deaf and dumb to your needs? See if there is any medical reason for his behavior.

[standtall]

.my boyfriend just wants to obsess about his projects , work, smoke pot,and play video games and hes 35.

I know he has a sex drive cause i find porn on his computer.

 

Merchant,

 

What more do you need to see? Why exactly do you want to stay with this guy? Less talking and more action does wonders. Give him a meaningful ultimatum, ...which he will most likely fail...and then see where it goes.

[TaraMaiden]

OP, have you tried spicing things up?

 

When was the last time you bought kinky lingerie and used it?

 

("kinky" does not mean "Victoria's Secret")

 

Edit: It won't be a waste of money even if you break up. You can just use the new lingerie with the next guy.

 

Are you sure you've got the right thread here, bud?

[96nole]

I have been with my boyfriend for 14 years. We hardly have sex. he's always about work. We are both fit. so i don't think its an attraction thing. He does have OCD so he's hard to live with.

 

We are in counseling. I have expressed my unhappiness. I even tell him I am thinking about cheating .

 

I would break up but our life is so intertwined. We own property, businesses, and pets. no kids.

 

I do want it to work. But a girls got needs. lately i have been open to cheating. I have never cheated before.

 

but after 14 years with no vacation, little to no sex in over two years! I am tempted. Either I am paying attention more or I am sending signals because men have been uber flirty.my boyfriend just wants to obsess about his projects , work, smoke pot,and play video games and hes 35.

I know he has a sex drive cause i find porn on his computer. frustrated and sad.

never posted on a site like this. just feeling lonely.

 

-What's being said in counseling?

-How have you expressed your unhappiness?

-How did you tell him you are thinking of cheating and what was his reaction?

 

The reason I ask is because men and women have different ways of communicating. Often, women use small comments or reactions to say something. Expecting their partner to fully understand what they are thinking. However, some men need to be told with a sledgehammer. As such, they won't "hear" what the woman is trying to say.

And let me say now before anyone gets upset, I don't mean all women or all men are like this.

 

I have a great example of a woman I work with. She was unhappy with her live in boyfriend. She was telling us what she was unhappy about and that she was "telling" him she was unhappy. It turns out all she was doing was just giving little 'sighs' when she was with him. I told her that wasn't good enough for him to hear her. I told her what to say and how to say it so he would actually "hear" her. Amazingly, things are now much better between them.

[GLDheart]

OP,

 

10 years I spent with my ex. I wanted it everyday. Your guys a moron.

[merchantofmarvals]

I think the truth is we have grown apart. I never really understood what that meant until recently.

 

 

We are both trying to find some common ground. In counseling we talk about stupid stuff. What we are fighting about that week or me trying to push for a vacation or even get him to go to breakfast. But the feeling I get from the counselor if I want to work on this relationship with his OCD its going to be tough.Apparently they are amazing people when it comes to tasks but being in a relationship with them is hard. ( yes it is.)

 

I guess I lied a little. Its not just all about the stuff that keeps me in this relationship. But really I find it daunting to say the least.

 

 

Its that there is still some great parts to us.

 

When my grandma was dying he worked his butt off at both businesses to make sure I could take off for a month to care for her. I recently was injured and he has been caring for me.

 

 

He has a good heart. A good base. But maybe it is his OCD I dont know.

Maybe that is a place we can start to seriously look at.

 

 

He is amazingly smart. Yet an idiot all at the same time.

 

I guess so am I. :-)

 

I am glad I posted here. I seriously was going to give in to temptation.

To remind myself that I was still pretty, attractive , and valuable as a woman.

 

 

I think I am scared to leave him too. I love him still. But its just so hard all the time.

 

Why is it that two amazing people can't find a path of success. I dont feel at peace with him I feel like I am on the verge of crazy all the time.

 

I never had a good example of what a good relationship was but I know in my heart its not suppose to be like this.

 

Thank you all for talking me off the ledge. For keeping my honor in tact.

 

That would of been a @#*^% up way to go out.

 

I need to put my big girl pants on and own up to the truth. It just took a dose of internet late night posting and a few generous people to keep me honest.

 

I think the truth is if I am thinking about cheating I need to think about how I need to separate.

 

Oh man where is the forum of how to divide a life.

[Ninja'sHusband]

You mentioned he looks at porn. Is he addicted to that? Have you talked about that to him? Is he honest about it? If he's so busy with porn that will definitely affect his sex drive with you...in a negative way. He may be wearing himself out...or fantasizing about them instead of you(maybe not)

 

You said you were in counseling. What does he say is his problem? If he hasn't said anything, then I have the same question 96 does, did you make your problem clear? For me I actually felt rejected by my wife and started slipping into self pleasing more and more until she finally thought I was getting old and less interested. Buut she decided to go and find a real person to satisfy herself(affair), then claim it was for emotional reasons. We're divorcing. sorry for the rambling.

 

More editing...you said you lied a little?? What have you told him? Give the guy a chance before you end it please

Edited August 17, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[merchantofmarvals]

I have said

I am lonely

That I want a lover

I want to find out and explore what that means now to us to me.

I want someone to adventure with.

 

I told him I only have so many pretty years left I need to know where to invest them and if hes not interested in stepping up to the plate let someone else.

 

I told him I have been feeling the urge to sleep with other men. I told him I am not satisfied.

 

 

I told him I feel that is a sign we have a huge problem.

 

And while he will address it for a brief moment it takes about two weeks or less for him to go back to obsessing about his new stuff. Either some sustainable food project, neon, etc...

 

He has a great many interest. And I find it fascinating its just he has no balance with it.

 

 

He has no friends. All of his friends are his employees.

 

Because he selfishly doesn't want to put in the time to develop personal relationships.

 

So I am his closest and only true friend.

 

 

I have screamed yelled, cried, begged, not sure whats left.

 

I actually feel spent.Which is why we are falling apart. Because I am not scrambling to hold it together anymore.

 

I get in these moods where I feel like saying fine. I am not a person you get the luxury of taking for granted. Any man would love to step up.

 

But then I feel stupid and all I want is this man to step up. Because I find it sexy and enduring to know that he has seen me at my ugliest and we are still fighting it out. But are we. I mean how long am I suppose to not have sex?

 

And for the record I have tried all kinds of things.

I am not conservative or timid.

I have taken him on a weekend trip only to have him complain the whole time about how much he was loosing money not being at work.

 

I have set up a massage table with candles so when he came home from work I could relax him. But he said if I really loved him I would of spent the time organizing my time to do things he wanted to do.

 

Man typing this stuff out loud is making me so mad!

Years of trying. Years of him being a toad!

Me being co-dependent and scared. But I feel stronger. Less dependent. More wanting life, something light hearted, something full of respect, love, and adventure. A real got your back partner.

 

 

 

But as I stated before. If I am seriously contemplating cheating. I need to be drastic. I really really appreciate the reminder of the stupidity of cheating.

Maybe we are destined to be just friends. Because he is a toad but also in many ways a prince.

 

Can a long term relationship survive a trial separation? Can a long time relationship turn in to a life long friendship?

 

or is that just a way of slowly ripping off the band-aide

[BetrayedH]

I agree that some serious open dialogue is what's probably best here. If you don't learn how to have the most difficult conversations, it's likely that you will take the same strategies into yet another relationship and repeat the pattern until you have unresolved resentment yet again. Allowing resentment to go unresolved is what leads to affairs. So many people fail to have the courage to tackle the two big options (confront or separate). Not trying to judge you (at all). This is just simply the single most common trip hazard I see in relationships and then people fall into an affair (which is like dropping a nuke onto the relationship).

 

I'm glad you made the hard decision not to cheat. Well done. Having the tough conversations is really your next step. He needs to know that it is time to change or you can't stay. See how he reacts. I made a lot (and I mean a lot) of changes when I realized my wife was serious about leaving (she had never said anything before). Unfortunately, then I found out she had checked out of the marriage over a year prior in an affair with her boss. That sure didn't help. And she felt damn stupid (to use her term) that she didn't just talk to me before dropping that nuke.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 17, 2012 by BetrayedH

[BetrayedH]

Appears that I was typing and missed your most recent post. It looks like you have tried to communicate.

 

You have a tough choice to make. I have a feeling that only you can decide at this point if further investment in the relationship is worth it to you. My gut says that one last serious ultimatum conversation is in order but it's your call. Sorry for the difficulty you're having.

[BetrayedH]

I have said

I am lonely

That I want a lover

I want to find out and explore what that means now to us to me.

I want someone to adventure with.

 

I told him I only have so many pretty years left I need to know where to invest them and if hes not interested in stepping up to the plate let someone else.

 

I told him I have been feeling the urge to sleep with other men. I told him I am not satisfied.

 

 

I told him I feel that is a sign we have a huge problem.

 

And while he will address it for a brief moment it takes about two weeks or less for him to go back to obsessing about his new stuff. Either some sustainable food project, neon, etc...

 

He has a great many interest. And I find it fascinating its just he has no balance with it.

 

 

He has no friends. All of his friends are his employees.

 

Because he selfishly doesn't want to put in the time to develop personal relationships.

 

So I am his closest and only true friend.

 

 

I have screamed yelled, cried, begged, not sure whats left.

 

I actually feel spent.Which is why we are falling apart. Because I am not scrambling to hold it together anymore.

 

I get in these moods where I feel like saying fine. I am not a person you get the luxury of taking for granted. Any man would love to step up.

 

But then I feel stupid and all I want is this man to step up. Because I find it sexy and enduring to know that he has seen me at my ugliest and we are still fighting it out. But are we. I mean how long am I suppose to not have sex?

 

And for the record I have tried all kinds of things.

I am not conservative or timid.

I have taken him on a weekend trip only to have him complain the whole time about how much he was loosing money not being at work.

 

I have set up a massage table with candles so when he came home from work I could relax him. But he said if I really loved him I would of spent the time organizing my time to do things he wanted to do.

 

Man typing this stuff out loud is making me so mad!

Years of trying. Years of him being a toad!

Me being co-dependent and scared. But I feel stronger. Less dependent. More wanting life, something light hearted, something full of respect, love, and adventure. A real got your back partner.

 

 

 

But as I stated before. If I am seriously contemplating cheating. I need to be drastic. I really really appreciate the reminder of the stupidity of cheating.

Maybe we are destined to be just friends. Because he is a toad but also in many ways a prince.

 

Can a long term relationship survive a trial separation? Can a long time relationship turn in to a life long friendship?

 

or is that just a way of slowly ripping off the band-aide

 

Conventional wisdom is that trial separations do nothing to bring a couple together. In fact, given time you will just get used to living on your own and will detach from him. If that's the goal, better to rip the bandaid off.

 

That said, separating would likely be a serious wake-up call for him to either change or else. Just don't use it as a route to cheat without officially cheating. Either stay committed or let him go.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Ah, I think you had mentioned you told him you were thinking about cheating before. I applaud you for having the guts to say that. I think that's rare. I think I read that statistically most separations end in divorce (or permanent split in your case). Distance kills relationships is what our counselor said. You have to be together and experience good things together to keep it alive.

 

Yeah maybe you need to take it to the next level and make this real, by starting the splitting process. Either he'll wake up...or you'll move on the right way without the horrible deception, betrayal, and sabotage of an affair.

[96nole]

Almost sounds like there is more than just OCD going on. You obviously love your boyfriend and want the relationship to work. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here and you already would have cheated.

 

It sounds like you have made your feelings well known. I also agree that you should give it one more sledgehammer to the head communication of your feelings. If he still can't get it.....well, you can at least know that you tried. But break up and get everything settled before starting a new relationship. The animosity created from cheating or immediately getting into a new relationship could complicate things.

[nofool4u]

We are in counseling. I have expressed my unhappiness. I even tell him I am thinking about cheating

 

Thats when he should have dumped you.

 

 

I do want it to work. But a girls got needs. lately i have been open to cheating. I have never cheated before.

 

Then move out.

 

And what difference does it make that you have never cheated before? None. You either have cheating in your character, or you don't.

[merchantofmarvals]

So many different perspectives. Kinda facinating.

 

Well life happens. All the sudden your unhappy realize you have been unhappy for a while and that is when one actually has time to think about it.

 

Between our work schedules we finally committed to one day off together.

 

 

I think my issues with him are his constant pot use and his OCD.

 

One he can help and one he cant.

He has managed to use his OCD to be very successful.

 

He feels he needs to pot to calm his nerves.

But he has constant mood swings.

 

And while yes there were and are great things about our relationship I am finally just tired.

 

I go to bed every night alone. I wake up before him while he sleeps in. He just doesnt want to make an effort to do things I like to do.

 

Why does anybody stay. For me its the hope. I invested so much into this man. Its not easy to just say **** it and leave.

 

Maybe he should leave me as some of you have said. That would be fair.

I am brutally honest to a fault sometimes. I thought it was best to express my thoughts while they were thoughts and tackle them head on.

 

 

But I will check out of this thread as it served its needed purpose. To refresh my moral compass. I guess either you cheat or you dont is not really true. I never have cheated, never thought about it until recently. And mostly because its not just sex for me I am in a relationship where I feel single and lonely. And counseling doesnt seem to be helping.

 

Maybe the truth is he just isnt into me that way anymore. That can be real too.

While hurtful at least it would be working towards a resolve.

 

Thank you all for your input. Even the harsh ones.

[BetrayedH]

Bummer to see you go. I was looking forward to some intelligent dialogue. For what it is worth, you're human for being tempted. Moreso for resisting the temptation as so few do.

 

I hope things go well for you.