PurpleStar Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 So...I decided to start a journal cause in the past, it has really helped when i want to get my feelings out and understand them better. I am going to do NC for good this time even though in the past i have tried sooo many times and asked him not to contact me anymore, he kept comign back or i would be the one who wasn't strong enough and always went back to look for him. Well, he lives next door to me so it makes things...so much harder. he'sa womanizer, has a long distance girlfriend and a number of girls he uses as bootycalls or just for a shoulder to lean on or ego stroke. Well after a friendship that ended up becoming more than a friendship and got too emotional, i started having feelings for him and then found out about the other girls he was seeing at the same time and started to see him with some of the "new" girls as well...it seems the pattern is that he picks a girl or two for every semester and he has a little fun and then, usually they end up having feelings for him and thats when he backs off and dumps them..and then goes after another girl and so oonnn....all this while he claims hes "deeply in love" with his girlfriend, who happens to live in another country and has no idea what the heck goes on. And i have to live in this room and know all the bull**** that happens but...at least im not chasing him or crying on his door saying i love him. at least im not humilliating myself anymore....he has told me many times im so special to him and he doesnt want to lose me and wants to be friends but i cannot be his friend because..when i tried being his friend, he just wanted to talk about other girls he wants to sleep with and girls who are trying to sleep with him..yeah....what a friend! it's a little awkward seeing him in the hallway or out on the street..again, we live in the same school dormitory, right next to each other, and sometimes just coming back to my room i hear music, or laughter, or see other girls go in there and it sucks....no, i cannot move to another room and quite frankly, i dont want to move just because of him. i happen to love my room, i decorated and painted it and i dont want him to know it affects me so much that i have to move someplace else. i guess i just want to be indifferent if i see him...just say hello and keep walking cause in the past i would see him with someone and look to the floor and get the hell out of there but it made me feel...small, like i was hiding from something or running from him and i dont think i want that...i think i want him to think that im ok, that it doesnt hurt me even tho it kills me sometimes. for the most part...im ok most days but just today i took a nap, woke up and it just...hurt. hes been taling to this other girl everyday for hours and...i know i shouldnt want it, but sometimes i wish he was talking to me and not her. i envy her and im jealous of all the attention he is giving her...cause that used to be me and now he just left me alone and doesnt even want to talk to me. i guess im not doing NC to kick him out of my life because it seems like he already kicked me out of his....im doing NC because i know in the past, i tend to be a compulsive text-er and i feel like i have lost all my dignity crying and begging for his attention or begging him to come see me and have things the way they used to be before...
Author PurpleStar Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 The anger is still there today..and I don't know why i am angry at not getting his attention crumbs...i was so used to them and they stopped and now hes always with other girls and if i dont text him, he wont text me. it hurts me and makes me angry and jealous..but what do i envy? i know hes just playing with them just as he played around with me, still it angers me that hes not coming to see me anymore and that he doesnt care wether i am ok or not.... Last night we textd for a bit, i initiated it, i couldnt stop myself but he was pretty short..just answering with smiley faces pretty much but i kept seeing the other girl online and i know they talked until 2 am...so that makes me angry and hurt. i guess i am the one putting myself through this and not wanting to let it go and i just go and look for reasons to feel more pain and rejection. at least for this weekend i will not text him anymore...at least this weekend i wil try to focus on other things and take it day by day...i have never been a jealous person and this is the first time in my life ive felt this much jealousy that i dont know what to do with it or how to make it stop...
not-a-drive-by Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 If it is affecting you this much, you really need to consider moving. Living next door to him will make it so much more difficult for you to move on. The constant reminder of him is still there, even when you do NC. And who cares if he knows. You have to stick with the NC. Last night was your first downfall, but try again today. Try not to think what he is doing with his time, with other girls etc. Don't spy on him. It'll only feed the jealousy inside.
Author PurpleStar Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 I know everyone suggests i should move, however, a mutual friend told me his long distance girlfriend is finally moving down here in 2 months and they will move out into an apartment together...so i guess that settles it... Today has been a lot better, stayed busy, went out to dinner with a friend, i filled my day with productive things and was happy with how it all went. I did see him go out to dinner with a friend and felt kind of ****ty but then...i went out for a walk and turned up my music real loud. I think the worst is already behind me...this is like...aftershocks...i cannot crontrol it now..it will affect me to see him with a girl wether i move to a different room or not cause hes always around..on the first floor or the study room or the cafeteria...so i guess i just have to deal with that and hope, with time, it wont bother me as much. At least i'm not the one looking for more rejection and pain.
Author PurpleStar Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 It has been a couple of days of NC and then this morning...a text from him comes in and I remember i was cleaning my room when i hear the ringtone i had given to his contact info....i admit excited/happy for a second and then i got angry at the way i was reacting to his texts...he just said "hello precious good morning how are you? ) " why does he keep doing this?! i didnt respond but then right now i feel a bit sad....i hate this cat and mouse game...when he feels that i am distant and i have stopped chasing him, then he sends texts like that...trying to stay busy just right now..in the mood to curl up in bed and do nothing...
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