We aren't "connecting." Is he emotionally detached?

[Driver]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about ten months, living together for a while now, too. He has completely changed my life. I've gone from this anxious, unhappy person to feeling just at peace and at ease most of the time, which is totally new for me. We always have so much fun, we are totally comfortable around each other, and we have a great sex life. He's good to me...he has never made me feel like crap, treats me with respect, showers me with affection, does so many thoughtful things for me. Never have I ever had someone treat me so well. We are both "givers" and we just give, give, give to each other. And he's intelligent, calm, strong, family-oriented. Very good man.

 

There's just one BUT... I feel like he's emotionally detached or something. I don't feel like we have enough meaningful conversation...it's like it's hard to get him to engage in meaningful talks more than once in a while, and when we do, it's like he's not interested in taking it beyond a surface level. Or his eyes will just sort of glaze over. It's only when I really tell him "HEY, I need you to talk to me" that he'll force himself to perk up and participate in the conversation. And I don't feel like I can get him to expose his soul and open up to me. In the ten months together I've hardly seen any emotion from him -- in fact, he's never been passionately, intensely upset at me for anything. Maybe just a little irked a few times and then just got over it a few minutes later. He treats me with kindness and thoughtfulness and love, but the passion and drive and all of the emotions behind it seem to be absent. He's this way with his family, too. Sometimes this drives me crazy. Sometimes I find myself wanting to make him upset so I can see some anger, some tears, SOME KIND OF EMOTION! SOME KIND OF DRIVE OR PASSION OR ANYTHING that shows me that he needs me as much as I need him! It drives me insane! I know how much he loves me, but I just cannot see that he needs me on any sort of level. Or that he is emotionally connected with me in some way.

 

I've brought this up to him several times. He has an earnest desire to work on things, and he has tried to. For example, after I brought this up a few months ago, he would come in the bathroom and sit while I was taking a bath and try to talk to me about my day. But it's not just the talk that is missing, it's that passion and drive behind it...the passion and desire for connection that would make a person WANT to talk to someone they love in the first place. I guess I don't understand why this has to be an effort.

 

He had a very, very difficult childhood. Abandoned as a child in Europe, had to take care of his baby sister all by himself even when he was very little...other family members took over but then they passed away, and then he spent most of his life in a home. Very sad childhood. He was adopted and moved to the U.S. at the age of eleven. His parents have been wonderful to him, but I can't help but think that the crucial first eleven years of his life were so traumatic that they left him with some serious emotional issues. I mean, I can imagine that since he had NO ONE to talk to or rely on emotionally growing up he learned to suck up his emotions.

 

What do you all think? What can I do to help him open up to me? I realize that not much change is going to occur, but I want to help him in any way I can. The crazy thing is, I have been incredibly emotionally high maintenance my whole life and demanded all of this "connection" and never would have been able to deal with someone like this before...but he is such a special individual and even though all of this is a pain at times, I still have this unwavering desire to stick with this. I've grown a lot in my relationship with him and am willing to put my own petty needs aside and help him work on this. I just don't know how.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You guys are going to feed into each other in the completely wrong way.'

 

He sounds emotionally unavailable...which means to me all that you see this relationship to be is really just a nice frosting to cover up the real issues and emotions that will only come out later.

 

You sound like the type to connect and cling to anyone who would treat you right and give you the connection, affection, and attention you need..but emotionally you don't know where the men are at and you just carry on with the relationship anyway hoping he'll somehow change how and who he is.

 

First off you're not a therapist or a psychologist, so unless you two go to therapy you'll never really understand how he is and why he does things, you'll just always take them personally and see them as a direct result of how he feels for you...when in fact he likely hasn't even connected with you all that much in the first place as he can't even talk to you about deeply emotional things...that means he's locked you out and therefore is more easily able to detach from you when the time comes.

 

Secondly don't just dismiss everything a person does because of their past and childhood, they are still adults and responsible for their actions and words, nobody should feel completely dismissed from that obligation just because they have issues...especially without working on them. You'll just be this little fixer/care taker without any idea of what you're doing and you can't fix him...you might as well grab a wrench and try to fix a jet-engine since you like working on things you know nothing about...I'm sure if you love and care enough that engine will start right up!

 

I think this will end badly without communication, you've really got to get through that barrier, that's the real relationship not this new 10 mons feeling of a pseudo relationship without any real depth.

[Driver]

THanks for your feedback... I am just not so sure I would say that our relationship has been without any depth for this past ten months. And I would not say that I would go for any guy who treats me well. I guess I am open to considering the possibility that we are just not a match but it is hard when there are so many ways we work, and so many things about our relationship that are great. Ugh, it's just sad. :-( Because he tries and wants it to work and so do I. And most of the time we are very happy.

[veggirl]

Has your boyfriend gone to therapy for his childhood issues?

 

I guess what it comes down to is you can't force him to change, you can't drag emotion/passion out of him. He might be able to force or fake it for a while to appease you, but that won't last. So, could you deal with that forever? If you guys got married?

 

I would not call your desire for a close emotional connection "petty"--it's pretty much a requirement in a long-lasting relationship IMO.

[Driver]

Yes, exactly. That's why this is so hard for me. I don't know if this is just something that most men do, and I'm not used to it because I have only had boyfriends who were extremely emotional, or if there's something off with him. It's hard for me to know if it's me or him. Because I am a very very sensitive person. And I'm kind of needy, and I'm kind of emotionally high maintenance at times. So in a way, being with him has forced me to work through that. And become stronger and more self reliant.

 

Because in the past I've been in relationships with really emotional and insecure men with a lot of issues, and our relationships had a lot of passion. Because we are always fighting or working through something emotional. And with this relationship, there's none of that. If I have a problem, we will talk about it. I can easily bring it up him, and he will listen, and he actually tries work on things. Which is amazing, especially compared to my past boyfriends. Everything had to be such a drama with them, and I always had a lot of anxiety. But with him, I feel really calm and I think we really could work on anything. But he will never show any kind of sadness or anger, and he will never bring things up on his own that are bothering him. And I want him to, because to me, that's a relationship. Being a team, caring about each other, listening to each other, building a strong emotional connection that gets better over time... But again, maybe I am being too emotionally needy, maybe I don't know what a mature relationship feels like. Maybe this is a real man and I just don't know how to deal with it. Or maybe he really just has a problem.

 

We had a conversation about this last night. I told him that it wasn't just words that I needed in order to feel that he felt close to me, it's that connection. I told him that we've been together for almost a year, and that he's never gotten upset at me for anything. He seemed to think that was a good thing, but I told him that it's not healthy. Because it means that either he so indifferent that he just doesn't care about anything in our relationship, or he's not expressing some feelings. He told me that he does get upset sometimes, but that they're little things and he feels that they are too stupid to bring up. I told him that nothing is stupid, and he is doing more harm by not sharing those things with me.

[pteromom]

He told me that he does get upset sometimes, but that they're little things and he feels that they are too stupid to bring up. I told him that nothing is stupid, and he is doing more harm by not sharing those things with me.

 

I dunno. He sounds like the emotionally healthy one here to me.

 

He sounds like a person who is laid-back and doesn't sweat the small stuff. Like he loves you so he doesn't need to focus on petty grievances.

 

Going by your description of him and your relationship, I think you are lucky. Wanna trade your easy-going accepting guy for my critical, needy, angry one? I'll trade you straight across!

 

As far as loving you but not needing you, what is wrong with that? Again, it sounds healthy to me. When love comes from NEED, it becomes selfish, but when it is based on your feelings for the other person, it becomes selfless.

 

Lastly, emotional connection. This sounds like a personality difference. You connect through deep meaningful conversation, and his idea of deep and meaningful is different than yours. Conversation that you find stimulating, he finds tedious. What if you actually went elsewhere for that need? A friend who enjoys the same conversation? A family member?

 

I do agree it is important to emotionally connect, but I worry that you need more than this to feel emotionally connected:

 

We always have so much fun, we are totally comfortable around each other, and we have a great sex life. He's good to me...he has never made me feel like crap, treats me with respect, showers me with affection, does so many thoughtful things for me. Never have I ever had someone treat me so well. We are both "givers" and we just give, give, give to each other. And he's intelligent, calm, strong, family-oriented. Very good man.

 

Sounds to me like you have it good and found a keeper. But you can't expect him to be EVERYTHING to you or erase some insecurity that is within you.

[Driver]

And no, he has never gone to therapy. Which sort of surprises me. I would've thought that his parents would have made him go to therapy as a child considering all the stuff that he's dealt with. But I guess he has always come off so strong and put together and unemotional that everyone just assumes that he's fine. And he really does seem fine.

 

I think that he could benefit from therapy so much. He could even get therapy free through his work. But I feel like I can't push the issue. We only been together for 10 months...and I don't want him to get resentful towards me, like I'm trying to change him. And it does seem ridiculous, he has been living his life just fine for years and years, and then some new girlfriend comes in and tries to tell him he needs therapy? He has said in the past, though, that he appreciates the fact that I have pushed him. And that I try to get things out of him and keep trying to help him be better. He said his whole life, everyone has just sort of accepted the fact that he doesn't talk. And no one tries to get him to talk or ask some questions. I've told him, "what if you need a girl who will just accept you the way you are and not try to get you to have a deeper connection with her?" And he has said that would be bad for him, because he wouldn't move anywhere. So I really do think he's willing to try. But I don't know if he's trying for me, or for his sake. And I wanted to do things for his own sake.

[pteromom]

But it's not just the talk that is missing, it's that passion and drive behind it...the passion and desire for connection that would make a person WANT to talk to someone they love in the first place.

 

You have to remember that he's not you. He has a different personality. Maybe he connects through comfortable silence and feeling like he knows you so well, you don't have to always be talking.

[Driver]

Pteromom, Thank you for your feedback. I do believe that he is a resilient person, and maybe he really is emotionally healthier than I am. And just because he isn't creating drama all the time doesn't mean he does not care. And maybe he is able to not get upset at things because he has a different perspective. He has seen the worst and he knows what it's like to not have someone who loves him around, and he's probably really grateful for what he has with me. Maybe I am the unhealthy one. I have gone to therapy in the past myself because I've been too emotionally needy. I have even had problems with this with my super emotional and insecure boyfriends. So that's why I'm thinking that part of this is me. Or most of this is me.

 

But what am I supposed to do, tough this issue out, even though it's hurting me, even though it's a big issue, and just ignore it just because it's rooted in my lack of emotional maturity? What are some things that he could do and I could do to bridge the gap?

[Driver]

I'm trying to think about my past to see what it is that would really make me feel that connection that I crave. I did feel it with my ex. But at the same time, we were always fighting. We were always breaking up and making up. And he would get so mad at me sometimes that he would go off and drink or cry and we have these horrible and dramatic fights. And we were long distance. So we were missing each other like crazy all the time. So it felt super passionate. And I felt alive. In that relationship, though, I was a nervous wreck. I was anxious all the time, and I didn't even realize this until I met my boyfriend. He really is amazing. And I do feel so lucky to have someone like him. But it is so much calmer but so much less passionate. But maybe it's because it's actually healthy.

[pteromom]

I have gone to therapy in the past myself because I've been too emotionally needy. I have even had problems with this with my super emotional and insecure boyfriends. So that's why I'm thinking that part of this is me. Or most of this is me.

 

But what am I supposed to do, tough this issue out, even though it's hurting me, even though it's a big issue, and just ignore it just because it's rooted in my lack of emotional maturity? What are some things that he could do and I could do to bridge the gap?

 

I do think most of it is you (just going by what you've shared here, of course.) but that doesn't matter. You feel the way you feel, so it's real to you.

 

Do you think he may be the first emotionally healthy bf you've had? You say your others were super emotional and insecure.

 

It sounds like he is willing to try, so that's good news. You told him you wanted more conversation, so he came in to talk to you. He's trying. Then you get annoyed because he's trying for YOU and not because he wants to. It's not fair to require that he FEELS the exact thing you do, only that he's willing to try.

 

As far as what to do, I think firstly, you have to remember that he isn't you, and that him feeling differently about things doesn't equate to not loving you.

 

I think reading some books about healthy relationships may help you on a personal level.

 

And on a couple level, you need to find ways to connect with him that work for both of you. If he isn't good at opening up, try playing "getting to know you" type board games - like "Would you rather" and such. That way you could talk about your answers and laugh together, and hopefully get that emotional connection you want without forcing him to be someone he's not.

 

Or you could try reading a relationship book together and talking about it as you go. I am sure you can find some couples workbooks on Amazon.

[pteromom]

I'm trying to think about my past to see what it is that would really make me feel that connection that I crave. I did feel it with my ex. But at the same time, we were always fighting. We were always breaking up and making up. And he would get so mad at me sometimes that he would go off and drink or cry and we have these horrible and dramatic fights. And we were long distance. So we were missing each other like crazy all the time. So it felt super passionate. And I felt alive. In that relationship, though, I was a nervous wreck. I was anxious all the time, and I didn't even realize this until I met my boyfriend. He really is amazing. And I do feel so lucky to have someone like him. But it is so much calmer but so much less passionate. But maybe it's because it's actually healthy.

 

YES.

 

I think this is a very good insight.

 

I also think you tend to go back to what you know. So you may not have enjoyed being a nervous wreck, but that is what you equate to being in a relationship.

[pteromom]

As far as PASSION, you have to also be careful not to confuse PASSION with DRAMA.

 

There are ways to bring positive passion to your relationship without also insisting that you have arguments. LOL.

 

You say you have a great sex life, so I assume there is passion there.

 

When you are with someone who has great capacity for highs, you also have to take the very low-lows with it. Whereas your current boyfriend is more steady in the middle. So you don't have to put up with the low lows, but you also have to sacrifice the high highs. His personality isn't going to change. And again - I think you are so lucky.

[pteromom]

So it felt super passionate. And I felt alive.

 

Also, reading back over this, this caught my eye. Other than your relationship, what are you passionate about? What else makes you feel alive?

 

You should be able to feel alive and passionate about your life without your boyfriend needing to do anything.

 

I really do think you may be expecting him to fill a bigger need than he should have to fill.

[pteromom]

i'm already in the eagle forum.

 

LOL, WHAT?

 

You quoted something I didn't say. Surely there is a rule against that.

[veggirl]

As far as PASSION, you have to also be careful not to confuse PASSION with DRAMA.

 

There are ways to bring positive passion to your relationship without also insisting that you have arguments. LOL.

 

You say you have a great sex life, so I assume there is passion there.

 

When you are with someone who has great capacity for highs, you also have to take the very low-lows with it. Whereas your current boyfriend is more steady in the middle. So you don't have to put up with the low lows, but you also have to sacrifice the high highs. His personality isn't going to change. And again - I think you are so lucky.

 

I agree with this soo much.

 

OP, so so so many people confuse drama with passion. They think they have a connection and they think they have passion because they have DRAMA. I can tell you, my BF and I have been together 13 mos and we don't fight, we have had disageements that we literally talk through in 10 min and it's fine. We have had one fight. It is the opposite of what I'd had with exes. I know my relationship with him is the healthiest I have ever been in. I am so happy we can both talk about things calmly and even with that, there isn't much we ever have to address ya know? It's not a bad thing.

 

I mean you can peruse these forums for like 10 min and find tons of examples of people in effed up relationships who have these huge fights and then justify it with "passion" and that "when it's good it's AMAZING". It's unhealthy B.S.

 

You are just too used to drama in a relationship. If he doesn't have issues with you or your R, what is there to bring up? It doesn't mean he is ignoring them...maybe they just aren't there.

 

Now, after reading your follow up posts, it kinda sounds like you are just looking for a problem where there isn't one.

 

eta: I have also had moments where I've questioned like whether or not we are "normal", whether or not we have the connection as you say that other couples do because we don't have all that drama. It's a very weird feeling, I've wondered are we just too careful around each other? TOO considerate of each others feelings? Is that bad? The answer is NO! We aren't walking on egg shells around one another, we are just NICE to each other. It's fantastic. It's comforting.

Edited August 17, 2012 by veggirl

[xpaperxcutx]

Op don't u see the irony of using past failed relationships as platforms for your current one? if you have had a more positive example to comparr to, this whole ' connection' thing wouldn't happen. I don't see a problem with your bf and any attempt to use his past against him is unfair to him. there are just people who do not thrive on a drama filled relationship . if you are happy with him why the pursue for a ' high' similar to repetitive fights and makeups? You should understand what you have is a happy medium.

[FitChick]

I think OP may sabotage this relationship. Some lucky woman will snap up her boyfriend in two seconds.

[Yookie]

Sorry to say but I think OP is the problem here. You finally find someone who's emotionally stable and you think there is something wrong with him???!?

 

:confused: