rach24680 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 I think that is the hardest part of letting go: Clinging to that hope for a second chance. I had an ex-bf a long time ago who told me I wasn't what he wanted and wanted to see other people. I was devastated and tried to win him back. But to no avail, I couldn't. So I went through all these tough feelings, but I held on for as long as I could because I thought that he might come back. Till one day I realized, he wasn't and I finally let go. You never really notice that moment, by the way. There is no bell that rings or siren that goes off. It's very subtle. You just wake up one day and realize that you are free again and you have no attachments. You let go of all that pain you held onto. It's quite the relief. 8 months later, he is begging me to come back, he offered to get married and have kids and he proclaimed how he made this huge mistake and how I should take him back. By this time, I knew I was far gone, I didn't see that as a possibility. But I agreed to meet up with him and see if maybe I could restore those feelings that I once had. Because I remember that feeling as if it were yesterday, when I was sitting in my bedroom crying over this man, plotting ways to get him back. So we met up, and as soon as I hugged him, I wished I never wasted my time to meet up with him. I knew that very moment that I had no more feelings for him. We talked for awhile and he tried his best to take me back. But I couldn't. I looked at him and wondered what I saw in him before. He was unattractive and sloppy. I don't know. I just had no interest whatsoever. Zilch. None. I told him that it was too late. He was very upset, shocked even. But he was the one who gave up on me 8 months ago. Did he expect me to wear black and mourn our relationship until he slept with several girls to finally figure out, that "Hey, she isn't so bad!" Anyways. If I can recall, that's how it has ended with a few of my ex's. They somehow always find there way back, but only when it's too late. Which leads me to my current dilemma: my current ex-boyfriend (Mr. Unavailable) who has broken up with my for the 3rd time because of his GIGS, or whatever it is he has going on in his head. I feel that I can't let go because I know he's coming back. But what if he doesn't and I never move on because I'm holding on to an IDEA? How do you find yourself letting go? When do you realize that it's time to let them go and really move on? I mean, of course I want to move on, but I just can't mentally let go of the chance of him coming back and wanting to work it out. after "mr unavailable" has broke your heart 3 times, why would you wish for a reunion? because you spent a lot of time together? because you still love him? it may aswell be because he treated you like crap. Instead of holding on to an idea, change your mind set and WANT to move on. You have to want to move on to actually do it, the only way you're going to achieve this is by remembering you're worth more than countless breakups, commitophobes, emotional blackmailers etc. I suppose it's easier said than done though. Hope you make the right decision for yourself anyway.
lovejoy41 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 I was reading several of Natalie Lue's articles this morn. They are really good. She has some good ones on NC and breaking up and cutting contact as well. Ladies, we have got to stop making it easy for men like this. We have no control over attracting them and dating them when we don't know that they are this way BUT when we see those red flags, get that gut feeling, or are being disrespected and walked on, it's up to us to put a stop to it. This information is being brought to you by a foolish woman who was in a 5 year relationship with a "Mr. Unavailable".
rach24680 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 I was reading several of Natalie Lue's articles this morn. They are really good. She has some good ones on NC and breaking up and cutting contact as well. Ladies, we have got to stop making it easy for men like this. We have no control over attracting them and dating them when we don't know that they are this way BUT when we see those red flags, get that gut feeling, or are being disrespected and walked on, it's up to us to put a stop to it. This information is being brought to you by a foolish woman who was in a 5 year relationship with a "Mr. Unavailable". Can you send a link to these articles please?
lovejoy41 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Sure! It's a lot of them but they are really good! Part 2 of The Coping with feeling rejected by Mr. Unavailable is also very good! Here you go: The No Contact Rule | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Signs that a guy wants you just for sex | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue How To Spot Emotionally Unavailable Men - Mr Unavailable's | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Breaking Up and Moving On By Cutting Contact. Part 1 | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Breaking Up and Moving On By Cutting Contact. Part 2 | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue 1
lovejoy41 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 BTW My fellow Loveshackers, The video by Natalie on her "No Conatct" article is very good as well. She makes a lot of valid points about why NC is so important. Please, Please watch the video on the page as well.
Author youngnlove89 Posted August 17, 2012 Author Posted August 17, 2012 Why He Won't Commit 1– He doesn’t really want a girlfriend. Sometimes men don’t want to come out and say that they just want to play the field and see as many women as they want because it will make them look like a dog or player. He likes spending time with you, but he doesn’t want just one woman; he wants you, he wants Sally, and Jessica, and Jenny, too. He wants his options open, even if there is no Sally, Jessica and Jenny yet. If he has SAID that he wants to keep his options open and date other people, he means it. You should do the same! You are not in a relationship with him. See other guys. 2 – He doesn’t’ want YOU as a girlfriend. He wants to get married, but not to you. He may like you, like having sex with you, like spending time with you, but he doesn’t see you as long term potential. He wants a committed relationship with someone, just not you. He will probably continue to see you until he meets that other woman that he wants to commit to. He already knows that you are NOT the one. 3 – He is deciding on WHOM to make his girlfriend. He may have you and someone else as contenders but he hasn’t decided which one of you makes the grade. In this case he really does like you and sees you as marriage material, but he also feels strongly about the other woman/women. He will eventually commit to one of you once he decides which is a better fit. 4 – You have issues to work on before he will commit. In this scenario, again, he really does like you, but there is something about you that he is hoping will change or he wants to see some growth in that area (or in you) before he will be comfortable making you the wife. He can’t come out and say this, so he keeps quiet about the issue. He may have mentioned this area/issue of yours in passing but it started an argument, so he hasn’t brought it up again. Nonetheless, he won’t commit until this issue is resolved. 5- He knows he doesn’t have to commit to you to keep you. This is the one that I see most, as a coach. A woman claims she wants exclusivity, but she is practically living with a man who has not been exclusive with her. She threatens to leave him if he won’t commit, but she never does. He knows he doesn’t have to commit – that you are in love with him and he can do anything he wants and you won’t leave. He isn’t afraid of losing you, so why should he commit when he is getting everything he wants already? You are stuck and he knows it. ** I got this somewhere online awhile back. But I found it really helpful 1
not-a-drive-by Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 I think you should listen to Taylor Swifts new song 'We are never getting back together.' Your story very much reminds me of that song. c: Maybe it will give you comfort like it did for me <3 Just listened to it. Good song for support to move on.
lovejoy41 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 @youngnlove I'm so sorry if I'm hogging your post but I just discovered that she has the book "Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl" available for purchase on amazon. I just read the reviews and everyone is saying that the book is really good and that it helped them through their breakup. I'm about to order it. It's $13.80 but I'm going to see if I can't find a used one for less and she has more books coming. I think that this book could really help some of us in this situation. Just reading the "Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailable" article has given me a totally different perspective on my situation. I almost instantly felt good and after reading what you said about Mr. Unavailable and why we accept or would even want to accept them being in our life has made my mind readjust. Pretty much has killed me missing him and all of that crap! Best wishes Youngnlove& you will get through. Hope these article and book helps you like it is helping me.
GypsyTears Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Newbie on this board...and guess why I am here? You guessed it... I am trying like HELL to not dwell on my ex. Since June, we have been on again, off again. I am the one who breaks it off each and every time. He didn't want to break up. But he was doing things to hurt me, like staying at his ex's house (they share children) longer than what I thought was necessary. He also would not invest himself into fixing our relationship. He always wanted to sweep things under the rug. So I broke up with him because I couldn't stand it anymore. I guess deep down, I was hoping that he would miss me and regret his behavior, therefore change. I know people never really change.... But it hurts so much to live with the fact that he isn't even trying to come back or change my mind. Part of me wonders if he is trying to get back with his ex again (he did before, when we broke up in June). I can tell myself all those logical things - I deserve better; there is someone out there who will love me right. I KNOW all those things, but I love THIS GUY....as stupid and unworthy has he is. Uggg.....why can't I just wipe him from my mind and my life????
IST Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I've been feeling worlds better once I changed how I thought about the situation. It's really just a matter of changing your outlook. Look forward, not backward. You just give up all hope of them coming back and focus on moving on. I've escaped the "Oh god I made mistakes and pushed her away, it's my fault there's something wrong with me I'm not good enough" line of thinking and now I just realize that I'm better off without her and that she made a mistake. If she ever contacts me again, I'm not sure how I'll react. But for now, I'm quite happy without her in my life.
Fitnerd Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I think you should listen to Taylor Swifts new song 'We are never getting back together.' Your story very much reminds me of that song. c: Maybe it will give you comfort like it did for me <3 While very girly (I'm a guy), I don't know about comfort but it definitely made me smile
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