Thinking your ex will come back..

[youngnlove89]

I think that is the hardest part of letting go: Clinging to that hope for a second chance.

 

I had an ex-bf a long time ago who told me I wasn't what he wanted and wanted to see other people. I was devastated and tried to win him back. But to no avail, I couldn't. So I went through all these tough feelings, but I held on for as long as I could because I thought that he might come back. Till one day I realized, he wasn't and I finally let go. You never really notice that moment, by the way. There is no bell that rings or siren that goes off. It's very subtle. You just wake up one day and realize that you are free again and you have no attachments. You let go of all that pain you held onto. It's quite the relief.

 

8 months later, he is begging me to come back, he offered to get married and have kids and he proclaimed how he made this huge mistake and how I should take him back. By this time, I knew I was far gone, I didn't see that as a possibility. But I agreed to meet up with him and see if maybe I could restore those feelings that I once had. Because I remember that feeling as if it were yesterday, when I was sitting in my bedroom crying over this man, plotting ways to get him back.

 

So we met up, and as soon as I hugged him, I wished I never wasted my time to meet up with him. I knew that very moment that I had no more feelings for him. We talked for awhile and he tried his best to take me back. But I couldn't. I looked at him and wondered what I saw in him before. He was unattractive and sloppy. I don't know. I just had no interest whatsoever. Zilch. None. I told him that it was too late. He was very upset, shocked even. But he was the one who gave up on me 8 months ago. Did he expect me to wear black and mourn our relationship until he slept with several girls to finally figure out, that "Hey, she isn't so bad!"

 

Anyways. If I can recall, that's how it has ended with a few of my ex's. They somehow always find there way back, but only when it's too late.

 

Which leads me to my current dilemma: my current ex-boyfriend (Mr. Unavailable) who has broken up with my for the 3rd time because of his GIGS, or whatever it is he has going on in his head.

 

I feel that I can't let go because I know he's coming back. But what if he doesn't and I never move on because I'm holding on to an IDEA?

 

How do you find yourself letting go? When do you realize that it's time to let them go and really move on?

 

I mean, of course I want to move on, but I just can't mentally let go of the chance of him coming back and wanting to work it out.

Edited August 17, 2012 by youngnlove89

[Jaf15]

You have to keep telling yourself he is not coming back, you also need to tell yourself your moving on and you wont take him back. For the time being this will flip your mentality until you are over him. I had the same problem with my ex of 3 years when she dumped me 4 months ago. I near spent a month thinking this way, once I accepted she wasnt coming back and that even if she did come back, she didnt deserve a 2nd chance. I started to make lots of progress.

[not-a-drive-by]

It's a waiting game. Like you told us above, you'll just have to wait for that one day, for that subtle moment, "where you realise you are free again and you have no attachments". I'm yet to reach that moment. Do what you did in your past relationships. If it worked back then (moving on), it surely will work this time round.

 

Do you really want to go through another round of this though? Do you really want to try the 4th round of heartbreak with THIS guy?

[Vikki_26]

I too wish I could just accept his never coming back, but he did the other 5 times he dumped me? But those times were just a few days, this has been 18 days now. I miss him more and more with each day. ;-(

[youngnlove89]

I too wish I could just accept his never coming back, but he did the other 5 times he dumped me? But those times were just a few days, this has been 18 days now. I miss him more and more with each day. ;-(

 

 

I know It's hard. The first time he broke up, he was back in 2 days, the second time he broke up, he was back in a week, it seems each breakup takes him longer to realize what we've always known: that we are worth another try.

 

I tell myself this to help me get over him "Everyday is another day he chooses to be without me, everyday I miss him is another day he can live without me."

[youngnlove89]

It's a waiting game. Like you told us above, you'll just have to wait for that one day, for that subtle moment, "where you realise you are free again and you have no attachments". I'm yet to reach that moment. Do what you did in your past relationships. If it worked back then (moving on), it surely will work this time round.

 

Do you really want to go through another round of this though? Do you really want to try the 4th round of heartbreak with THIS guy?

 

 

You are right. It's just the beginning of a breakup that makes it so hard for me. I think in a few weeks I'll get used to the idea of him not coming back. But for now, I feel like he was just mine and I'll be seeing him soon. Although, that isn't the case.

[Tree_Salmon]

I too wish I could just accept his never coming back, but he did the other 5 times he dumped me? But those times were just a few days, this has been 18 days now. I miss him more and more with each day. ;-(

 

I've gone up to 4 months before she came begging one time. And then ive had weeks and days. It all depends on how their life is going.

 

I'm sure you'll hear from him as soon as his life gets crappy.

[headsashed]

My ex came back after 4 months,she heard i was with someone else. We lasted about 5 months lol,now im just about 4 months post BU again and theres no sign of her coming back,not that i want her to,shes with someone else now so atleast i can live peacefully and the chances of her even reaching out are slim. Like salmon said,its how their lives are going,if they are bored and lonely they will probably try coming back but if they are out enjoying themselfes or are with someone else then chances are they wont come back.

[youngnlove89]

So basically the moral of the story is: Don't take you ex back because it's just a trap of a vicious cycle! They never change.

 

Plus, if they can't realize how awesome we are the first time around, (esp. the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th for some of us) then why are we so adamant to lower our self worth only to let them kick us to the curb again? Why do we enjoy the pain of what's inevitable?

 

I think it's all those drama movies that have messed with our heads! A heart-throb holding his boombox outside our window begging for another chance--that's already tough to erase from my memory.

[Drseussgrrl]

Youngnlove,

 

Listen up girl. You know without a doubt that this man is no good for you. You are his fallback girl. Get this through your head. He does NOT have your best interest in mind, he does not care that he hurts you and uses you. He is selfish. He gets all the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibility, and to boot, he can push the reset button with you any time he tries to worm his way back into your life. And YOU LET HIM.

 

I know you are feeling anxious because you think he will be back. But he will be doing you a HUGE favor by staying away and allowing you to heal. But, considering he's selfish and a user, he'll be sniffing back around when he's done out having his fun. Please don't be there waiting with open arms for round 3 of more of this ambiguous garbage. You know exactly where it will land you - a whole lot more buttload of suck and hurt. It's not going to change. THIS IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

[youngnlove89]

Youngnlove,

 

Listen up girl. You know without a doubt that this man is no good for you. You are his fallback girl. Get this through your head. He does NOT have your best interest in mind, he does not care that he hurts you and uses you. He is selfish. He gets all the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibility, and to boot, he can push the reset button with you any time he tries to worm his way back into your life. And YOU LET HIM.

 

I know you are feeling anxious because you think he will be back. But he will be doing you a HUGE favor by staying away and allowing you to heal. But, considering he's selfish and a user, he'll be sniffing back around when he's done out having his fun. Please don't be there waiting with open arms for round 3 of more of this ambiguous garbage. You know exactly where it will land you - a whole lot more buttload of suck and hurt. It's not going to change. THIS IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

 

 

I know this as much as you do. Trust me, I remind myself everyday that I deserve more than this. But hopefully, he respects me enough to give me that time to move on. Then if he does come back, it will be too late. I almost feel that I can get over this quicker because I was mentally preparing myself through out the whole relationship knowing this would eventually happen.

 

I just need to get though the tough moments, because in those tough moments is when I think of the good moments we shared. I need to focus on the reasons WHY we didn't work. Sometimes that's really hard to do.

[Drseussgrrl]

I understand. I was in a similar situation with a really awesome guy. We laughed like little kids when we were together, the sex was off the charts, we had all the same outlooks on life, religion, etc. Tick, tick, tick. It's very hard to meet someone you can click like that with.

 

But he wasn't available to me and I had to let him go after 3 months. We haven't talked in about 2.5 weeks now and luckily for me he has stayed away. It's getting much easier. It will for you, too. I promise.

[2muchlove]

Youngnlove,

 

I'm at 5 weeks post BU and I'm only now starting to give up hope. I put the final nail in the coffin by telling her to stop contacting me. I think she got the point, and I realize that even if she wanted to get back together it wouldn't work because we already broke up and it will never be the same. And she became a vicious hooker in the process.

 

Granted, every situation is different. But many times a break up happens because the relationship is broken.

 

And the only way to reconcile successfully, if you weren't able to in the early break up stages, is to move on and start fresh down the road. That actually greatly increases your chances and makes you a better person in the process.

[kindest]

It's very hard to give up hope for a recon especially when your ex keeps on contacting you.

 

But I guess we just have to be firm, decide that the relationship is over, and tell the ex to stop all contact. I guess the secret lies in accepting that the relationship really is over.

 

I wish it was that easy to follow my own advice.

[Tree_Salmon]

Youngnlove,

 

I'm at 5 weeks post BU and I'm only now starting to give up hope. I put the final nail in the coffin by telling her to stop contacting me. I think she got the point, and I realize that even if she wanted to get back together it wouldn't work because we already broke up and it will never be the same. And she became a vicious hooker in the process.

 

Granted, every situation is different. But many times a break up happens because the relationship is broken.

 

And the only way to reconcile successfully, if you weren't able to in the early break up stages, is to move on and start fresh down the road. That actually greatly increases your chances and makes you a better person in the process.

 

You should never have any hope after a breakup.

Just immediately start living on your own. There really is no time frame.

 

Ex's come back at any time or not at all. There is no formula.

 

Don't worry about them. Worry about you.

 

Time really flies when you're having fun. Get busy and months will pass. Then youll see them.

[Vikki_26]

I know It's hard. The first time he broke up, he was back in 2 days, the second time he broke up, he was back in a week, it seems each breakup takes him longer to realize what we've always known: that we are worth another try.

 

I tell myself this to help me get over him "Everyday is another day he chooses to be without me, everyday I miss him is another day he can live without me."

 

Yeah this is just the same as my ex, first time was a few days, second a week etc. I stopped contacting him 13th August. So I guess I am being too impatient for hi to miss me. But I really dont think he will contact me again. But there is always that 1% chance and that tiny bit of hope I am stupidly, wrongly holding on for. Putting my life on hold for.

[Vikki_26]

I've gone up to 4 months before she came begging one time. And then ive had weeks and days. It all depends on how their life is going.

 

I'm sure you'll hear from him as soon as his life gets crappy.

 

Yeah I reckon your right there, I will let you all know on here if he does. I may be over him then and not want him back!

Edited August 17, 2012 by Vikki_26

[Mike_d]

But there is always that 1% chance and that tiny bit of hope I am stupidly, wrongly holding on for. Putting my life on hold for.

 

well, that you know the problem is half the battle to solving it. let go of the outcome, stop putting your life on hold, you have no control over what happens going forward expect for 1) how you feel, you are in total control of your feelings even when it feels like you don't/can't, and 2) what you do with your life.

 

there is a great guy out there, free yourself up physically and emotionally so that when he crosses your path you don't lose out. faith and trust are key right now, have faith in the future that good things will happen, and learn to trust yourself so that you can get there

[Drseussgrrl]

Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailables & Assclowns Part Three | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Youngnlove - this article REALLY helped me when I was making a clean break from my own commitment-phobe.

[AnchordHeart]

I think you should listen to Taylor Swifts new song 'We are never getting back together.'

 

Your story very much reminds me of that song. c:

 

Maybe it will give you comfort like it did for me <3

[youngnlove89]

Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailables & Assclowns Part Three | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Youngnlove - this article REALLY helped me when I was making a clean break from my own commitment-phobe.

 

 

Oh I've read her blogs, they are fabulous! Very mind awakening. But I still cling back to the possibility of "what-if"

[Vikki_26]

I think you should listen to Taylor Swifts new song 'We are never getting back together.'

 

Your story very much reminds me of that song. c:

 

Maybe it will give you comfort like it did for me <3

 

I love Taylor Swift and that song, massive fan of hers but eveb listening to that song as much as it raises a smile doesnt help me. Id love to have the strength to say and feel the words of Katy Perrys 'Wide Awake' song.

[youngnlove89]

I think you should listen to Taylor Swifts new song 'We are never getting back together.'

 

Your story very much reminds me of that song. c:

 

Maybe it will give you comfort like it did for me <3

 

 

I will do that Thank you

[kindest]

Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailables & Assclowns Part Three | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Youngnlove - this article REALLY helped me when I was making a clean break from my own commitment-phobe.

 

Thanks for this!

 

I see the point of this article. I actually have thought this before but at times, I forget that it's not about me or what I did or what I could have done better. It's about him and his stupid commitment issues.

[KansasChica]

Giving up hope has been the hardest thing. My breakup was over 8 months ago. I thought he was the one- no doubt in my mind. I didn't realize how scared he was (he never let on) until he broke up with me when things were good and getting serious. He bolted and has never reached out. I've seen him a couple times, he screws with my head, gazes lovingly at me, tells me he still loves me, but he also wants to date other girls.

 

This breakup has been the most devastating because I kept hope and stayed in denial for so long. It's only been a month now that I've really accepted that it's over and he's never coming back to me. I wasn't good enough for him. It's annoying because I've always been a go-getter, someone who was able to fix things and I know I can't fix this. Not alone at least.

 

Thanks for your post!