Rider4Life Posted July 15, 2004 Posted July 15, 2004 I have been with a guy for 6mnths now, and things have been great. I'm am really in love with him, and he says he loves me as well. About a year ago, he was with another girl on and off for 2years. I've accepted that, and I trust him that he wouldn't go back to her while we are together. Here's my problem, though: In his room there is a shelf with all the things I have gotten him (cards, stuffed animals, ect) amd last night while I was looking at it all, I saw an empty chocolate box and a bday card. I asked who they were from, and theyre from the ex of 2yrs, the box is from last valentine's Day. I joked around about it ("Thanks for putting it right next to all of my stuff") but he kind of ignored it. While he was in the bathroom (yes I am VERY nosey), I read the card. It was from this past bday (July 8) and it was saying how much she loves him and "how they'll be together again someday, but she'd much rather have him as a good friend than nothing until then". (they're good friends now, but don't see each other, to my knowledge. I also found a txt message in his cell (he let's me look through it when I'm bored, but ONLY b/c I'm nosey) that was from her @ 12am on his bday saying "I love you so much, and I miss you" (He had SAVED it in his file) I don't know if I should worry, b/c I asked him if he still has feelings for her and he said he doesn't, "it's the memories he likes, not her". Should I worry? She's the kind of girl that would make a move on him if left alone, so I worry more about her than him. Please help me! Thanks!
uriel Posted July 15, 2004 Posted July 15, 2004 What would it mean if YOU were the one saving such a birthday card and text message from a significant ex? Why would you be doing it? Men aren't so different. Yes, I think you should be concerned. He still has an emotional connection to her. If he didn't get warm, fuzzy feelings over this stuff, he wouldn't save it. Yet, I don't say you should be afraid. Sounds like she is mainly respecting his current relationship (not proper for her to send love notes to a man who isn't single) -- and perhaps that he's already made a boundary about that clear (which is why she's forced to do it). She's let him know through these gestures that she wants to be with him. But, he's not choosing to break up with you to be with her either. So, while you should have some concern, I wouldn't go crazy. In fact, getting too jealous and acting insecure and clingy might actually drive him away. Trust that you are more than enough for him -- act like the girl he can't resist. If he should ever choose to go to her despite that, then forget him. He's not worth the energy. In the end, the only reason men or women are faithful is because they choose to be. You can't force him or snoop him into being yours. You can only give him reason, by being your best self, to want to stick with you. -- uriel
caz_cheer_jenn Posted July 20, 2004 Posted July 20, 2004 they're good friends now, but don't see each other, to my knowledge Then how did he get the chocolates and the birthday card? Be up front with him, share your concerns, and see what he has to say. If it were me, I would be concerned because she is obviously pursuing him despite the fact that you are with him, and he is not doing anything to stop her. I would ask him to speak with her about stopping her inappropriate advances, and if that doesn't work (or if he is secretly enjoying the advances), I would be going to speak with her directly. Not in a confrontational way, of course, no Jerry Springer episode...but just to let her know that you are uncomfortable with her professing her love to him when he is clearly in a relationship with someone else, and you want it to stop. If she is a reasonable adult, she will back off...if not, she'll take a swing at you. Kidding, of course. Bottom line: if he is not willing to ask her to stop or if he encourages her behavior, I would suggest looking elsewhere because he is not being fair to you.
Author Rider4Life Posted July 21, 2004 Author Posted July 21, 2004 The chocolate box is empty, and from last valentines day(2003). He just hasn't gotten rid of it. He offered to throw the box and card(which she mailed 2 him, b/c she lives in a dif. state) out for me (theyre the only things he has kept from her according to him) but I don't want to come across as insecure or anything. I've asked him if he still has feelings for her and he denies it completely. I want to be understanding, and don't want him to feel like Im trying to control him, but I get insecure very easily, and don't want to have to worry. I trust him 110%, its just her I don't trust.... O, and just so people know, I'm 16 and he's 18. He was with the girl from the time he was 14/15 til 16/17. They werent to serious in the relationship itself, and they were quite young at the time, but it was a long time they were together. We are much more serious than they were, probably due to him being older now....if that helps any.
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