Onlyjonley Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 When it comes to big moves and big talks, my boyfriend won't initiate the conversation, and I'm tired of it. I had to initiate us first hanging out, I had to bring up the "define the relationship talk", and now I'm tired of waiting on him to make a move in the direction of marriage. He drops hints constantly about marriage and the future. As do I. But he won't come right out and discuss it. And I'm pretty sure he's waiting on me to do it. I get it. He is very shy and reserved when it comes to this aspect of our relationship. But for once, I want him to make the move. That's just part of being in a relationship. You have to take risks and you have to do things that are scary. And I'm tired of being the one to step up. Tonight, I'm thinking of bringing this topic up. Good or bad idea?
Author Onlyjonley Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 Anyone have any advice? I don't want to pressure him, but I also want to be open about my feelings.
Star Gazer Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 If you've been bringing it up, you're the one directing the relationship. How can you even be sure he's invested?
Author Onlyjonley Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 He is incredibly good to me. I'm very, very happy. We have a great relationship. And as I said above, he hints at marriage and the future quite often. He's asked me questions about everything future related. He has been for months and months. And he told me not long ago he definitely wants the relationship to last. But he won't actually bring up us in regards of marriage, and I'm convinced he's waiting on me to do so because it's such a big step in a relationship.
threebyfate Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 If he's consistently showing you that he's passive, why would this issue be handled any differently than any other time? Ever heard the definition of insanity?
Author Onlyjonley Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 If he's consistently showing you that he's passive, why would this issue be handled any differently than any other time? Ever heard the definition of insanity? I guess I just want him to step up to the plate for once.
threebyfate Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 I guess I just want him to step up to the plate for once.Consider the pattern of your relationship. You've been the aggressor and motivator and he's been passive and the follower. What part of this don't you understand? It's like wishing that this time, the sun's going to orbit Earth. Without causal impetus, why would the pattern change? 2
Author Onlyjonley Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 Consider the pattern of your relationship. You've been the aggressor and motivator and he's been passive and the follower. What part of this don't you understand? It's like wishing that this time, the sun's going to orbit Earth. Without causal impetus, why would the pattern change? Which is why I came here asking whether it be a good idea to express my concerns on the issue.
CarrieT Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Which is why I came here asking whether it be a good idea to express my concerns on the issue. I'm confused - are you wanting to bring up the fact that you are doing all of the talking or do you want to bring up the concept of marriage? Two different things... I think you should confront him on his inability to discuss your relationship without putting him on the spot about marriage. See what he says first about not being able to be open and forthright.
EasyHeart Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Ummmm, guys never want to talk about the relationship, especially if we like it. If we're trying to avoid something, why would we bring it up?
veggirl Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 (edited) I am also confused. Do you want to bring up the marriage thing or do you want to bring up the fact that he doesn't initiate this stuff? If he won't even talk about marriage...how would he propose? In what ways does he reference marriage / the future? If he says something like "when we are married" or "if we get married" or whatever, you should just be like "do you see that in our future?" and go from there...? eta: unless he talks specifically about marriage, I wouldn't put too much stock in like whimsical conversations about "someday we could go XYZ" and all that kinda stuff. Vague talk about it is meaningless and I tune out guys who do that crap. Edited August 16, 2012 by veggirl 1
FitChick Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 This is a perfect example of why I always let the man set the pace in a relationship. That way I know he is emotionally invested in me and not just along for the ride because there is nothing better out there at the moment. Makes my dating life so much less stressful. No need to manipulate. 3
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 With you doing so much of the coaching in this relationship and the horse that's plowing the field...he's essentially just become the plow and letting you direct him where you lead him to go. When you create that kind of dynamic you really lose sight and awareness of how the man really feels. You need to give men a chance whether it be at their own pace and their own method of when to initiate and make a move, right now it sounds like you drag him around like a school child at a faster pace than he naturally walks because you're in a hurry. He never seems to have to make a move because you've done everything for him...for the relationship. I would say most women are inherently like this as they want to solidify and secure themselves into a relationship, however when men talk about marriage it's always a big IF we'll get married rather than that we will definitely. Men don't typically do so unless they're crazy and don't really value marriage and are reckless anyway, or they're completely sure of themselves in the relationship and know what they want...which is a completely different attitude in men that most women don't understand... they think it's their job to lead a horse to water and when the horse drinks then they did a job well done. Well that's not the best tactic, you might make that horse take a sip of water after you do it enough times but It's not the same as him walking over there and doing it with confidence...and It's not you being "patient" just because you feel like he takes too long to drink already. You need to realize that his choice, If he was sure he would make the move...If he wanted it bad enough he would make the gesture and take the plunge..every man knows that we have to step outside our box and comfort zone to do that, and it's not easy...probably one of the most terrifying thing for a man to do...that kind of commitment is a big deal to most of us. I think he's happy with the way things are, and I'm not sure he sees a reason for things to change just yet. I'd be worried honestly If I were him, he's starring into the eyes of the bull and eventually he's going to be forced to do something, that's a lot of pressure If you're not there yet and struggling with some issues. It just seems you don't really have good communication or know where he is emotionally and how he feels about the relationship...you take these little hints and talks and run with them when they could just be harmless conversation as he may not know or think about how you're taking it. Everything you hear or want to know is basically how long it'll take to get married and is he trying to back out or doesn't feel the same way and become frustrated or disappointed with anything you don't want to hear. You need to change the way you are doing things in this relationship or you're going to end up blind-siding yourself. You're not getting enough understanding of how he feels and where he is coming from, you need to approach him in a different way and stop being so direct and confrontational especially as you grow more impatient...once he feels that you are someone he's not comfortable talking to and expressing himself to he's going to clam up...you communication styles are not lining up, he has feelings and an opinion, it just a matter of whether he's going to confident enough to express them to you...you need to initiate baby steps with this guy, you will need to hold his hand delicately every step of the way...snap and he'll just back off, but that's the kind of man you chose. 2
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