What's YOUR thoughts on this? I can't wrap my mind around what's happened..

[lovehurts82]

I have had a long-distance friendship with a guy (X) for the last 7-8 years. Several times during that friendship, he came here to visit me and hang out a bit, though it never was beyond friends. We were like two peas in a pod, talked ALL the time on the phone, texted, chatted.. you name it.

 

In the last three years, we'd gotten much closer, talking about getting together and not being long distance anymore, but then he decided he wasn't ready to commit just yet. I tried dating someone else and he called me on Valentine's Day, begging me to be his, saying he'd do anything to be with me.. he was ready to come here and do whatever I wanted. Things weren't going so well with the guy I was seeing and we ended up breaking up. I called X back and we talked through things, decided we wanted to be together and couldn't imagine ourselves without each other.

 

Things progressed through to last summer and he asked my mother and father for their permission to marry me. We set up a wedding date and were both very excited for the future. A couple months after that, he started getting upset because things were moving too fast, he felt too pressured and so we agreed to slow down. I went out there for Thanksgiving and we had an amazing time.

 

Last Christmas, we went back to his hometown (8hrs away.. he had been living on the west coast for the last 7 years) and he took me to meet his family and friends back there for the first time. We also went to his best friend's house and had a Christmas party with them. His bf is married to the oldest of four girls. One of those girls had had a thing for him, and he a thing for her for a while (they grew up together) and she wasn't at the party. Someone slipped up that she was seeing his bf's brother and X got pissed off because he felt like they were trying to hide it from him. I asked him if it was really that big of a deal.. that /we/ were together, so it didn't really matter what she was doing. He said he was mad because it felt like they were trying to hide it from him. He had said at that time that he'd never go any further than friends with her because she had kids already and he couldn't raise someone else's kids. I went west again at the end of April and again, we had an amazing time together and he left me a note in my luggage saying he couldn't wait for our future together, the trip had been great, he felt closer to me than we had ever been.. he couldn't wait to see what the future had in store for us.

 

Since then, we had started looking at apartments and houses here (he had applied, interviewed, and pretty much could have an awesome job here) and also in a big city 4 hrs from each of our parents. We talked about names for the children we wanted to have, places to get married, what kinds of dogs we would like to get when we got a place, rituals and traditions we wanted to include (down to wanting to have a hand-fasting and my having completely written out our ceremony, rather than using a prefab), and him being interested in hand-making the rings.

 

A month ago, we went on vacation together back to where he's from. That weekend was one of the sisters' birthdays and she had had a pool party. Not really knowing anyone and feeling very excluded and unwelcomed by those girls, I spent the majority of the time by the edge of the pool while he was out swimming with the others and those girls were hanging all over him. By the end of the night, I was pretty upset and we were out on the porch talking to his friend that drove us. He asked me what was wrong and I said I didn't want to talk about it there and cause a scene. He insisted until his friend piped up that I wasn't used to the sisters and he could see a few things that would make me upset. I said yes, that was pretty much it and he hugged and apologized.

 

By that time it was time to leave and the driver was too drunk to drive so the girls' mother was taking us home. X's bf sat in the passenger seat and X sat in the middle of me and the sister he had had a thing for. Since it was cramped, he put his arms up around our shoulders and though I was a little curious about it, I didn't say anything, thinking it was just crowded. We weren't even out of the driveway and I look over and she's got her arm bent up, rubbing his hand! After 5 minutes of it, I took my hand off his thigh and sat looking out the window, not wanting to cause a fuss until we got home. When she finally moved to the front seat after his bf got out, he asked again. I lifted and shook my hand and pointed to her, then looked back away. When we got to his mom's, he asked me if I was gonna tell him what my problem was. I asked back if he was going to tell me why he just sat there while she was rubbing his hand.. with ME sitting right next to them. He huffed and shook his head, trying to rationalize it and say she was just drunk.. she was with someone else (who by then her kids were already calling daddy) he didn't know what else he was supposed to do.. he didn't want to raise a fuss because her mom was being nice enough to bring us home.. I said I didn't give a ****.. He should have pulled his hand back right then, instead of waiting until I made it apparent I knew what was going on. We argued for a while over it and he kept saying he was sorry, he understood why I was upset.. he would have been far worse.. that's why he was letting me go on and not getting mad at me.

 

We went back to my parents' house 2 days later as planned and spent a week with them. Thursday we spent a day with my teen brother and sister visiting a small historic community and had a really great trip. The next day my parents took off work and we were going to visit an Amish place where we had been before and on the drive there, he asked me if when we got married, if things didn't work out, would I let him have and raise our boys and I could keep the girls. I was floored and didn't know what to say. It lead to another argument and I said I refused to agree to anything like that. He had gotten mad and said I of course wouldn't. I'd keep the kids and if he wanted anything to do with them, he'd have to stick around where he had no other friends nor family.

 

When we got where we were going, I tried blowing it off, not wanting to make a scene around my family. A great part of that week spent a large part of his time texting on his phone (which wasn't uncommon) and would even take it to the bathroom with him, claiming he was playing a game. We had a party with my family on a Saturday and several times in the night, he disappeared into the house to "use the restroom", to the point my parents questioned where he was or what was taking so long. The remainder of the trip, it felt like he kept saying and doing things to irritate me or upset me.. including telling me I didn't spent enough time paying attention to him during the party.

 

He left on a Tuesday to go back out west and Wednesday we had a discussion about things. I had almost had enough at that point and told him I wasn't sure I wanted to continue. Especially after what had happened with that girl and that I felt like he kept doing things just to upset me. I had been up for over 24 hrs at that point and so told him I needed some time to think about things and really decide what I wanted, and I really needed to get some sleep to think rationally. He asked me to think about the future and that we were so close to being able to be together. I said I would and would call him when I got up and we could talk more.

 

Not even 10 mins after we had gotten off the phone, he called me with news from the place 4 hours from our families. They were going to offer him an amazing opportunity to work there for 3 weeks.. full pay.. put him in a hotel, give him a rental car. I told him of course he should do it, it was a wonderful opportunity for him to be closer to his family even if we didn't work. I then began rethinking things, thinking maybe the Lord was telling me with His timing that I needed to hang in there, this was just a bump in the road and things would be better soon. I thought things through that night and decided I wanted to try and hang in there.. and told him I felt like a lot of our issues are probably due to being long distance and maybe things would be better soon if we hung in there. We chatted on messenger that night and looked through apartments online, deciding what we did and didn't want.. what we could afford.. tried finding places close to his potential work. He even asked me if I had yet looked at jobs for myself, so I started looking.

 

The next day he called me and said he had gotten some bad news.. his dad had been in an accident and had broken his leg and hit his head. By Friday night, he decided he was going to go back home.. he felt like he needed to be there. I told him if he wanted me to come along, I would be there for him. I'd make the drive out there. He said he would let me know later after he knew more.

 

The next several days were horrible. He'd call in the morning and before bed and let me know what was going on.. things weren't going well and he wasn't sure his dad would make it. I told him I wanted to be there with him, in case something happened. He kept telling me he needed space and time to deal with it.. that he coped with things on his own and he had family and friends there with him. It was devastating to me to think that my future father-in-law was dying and my SO didn't even want me there.. or that my future children wouldn't know their grandfather.

 

But, I gave him space, let him call when he could, and tried not to bother him. At night, he'd go out with his friends to the bars and drink, or go to his best friend's house and hang out with everyone and drink. One night I told him I couldn't keep going on like we were.. he said he needed space and time alone, but he'd go out with his friends.. and /that/ wasn't alone time. I couldn't stand being here and having him there and hurting and I couldn't be there to comfort him or lend support, not to mention the fact that I /knew/ those girls were around. He said I had been amazing through it so far and he appreciated my giving him space, being caring and there when he needed to talk.

 

The next Friday morning he was called into the hospital and had called me and told me if I still wanted to come out there, now would be the time. I talked to people at work and let them know, told him I would be out there as soon as I could (even though I had been awake for work all night), but would call him when I got things figured out. When I called him back, he said it was really nothing major.. and he didn't think after getting there and finding out that I needed to come out there yet. I was a wreck after that and finally told him I could do this up and down stuff anymore, I didn't understand how he couldn't want the person that's supposed to be the love of his life out there with him.. things like that were supposed to bring people together, not push them apart. I also told him I had had hopes and dreams for our future that included his dad.. he would have been my father in law.. the grandfather to the kids we had talked about having.. He responded by telling me that "to be blunt, completely honest, and perhaps a bit mean, he didn't care about my feelings". At that point, I said I was done and that when he decided what he wanted to do, what he wanted and had time to think about things, he could let me know because this was killing me.. I couldn't eat.. sleep.. function at work.

 

The next morning he called and asked if I wanted to talk. I told him I didn't see a point in talking, really, because just the night before he told me he didn't care about my feelings and so why should I voice them. He told me fine, if that's what you want.. he couldn't deal with me anymore and my bull****.. he had other things to deal with. He ended up getting pissed and telling me he didn't know why I was treating him like this.. finally hung up.

 

He called back later that afternoon and said he wanted to know where things stood with us and I broke down. I explained again to him my feelings and thoughts and told him I loved him more than anything.. that's why it hurt so much to not be there.. and I did not understand why he didn't want me to be there. At the end though, I told him I couldn't just be up on a shelf anymore and wait around.. this was hard for me too.. hearing him crying on the phone and not being able to comfort him. He asked that I give him a few days to think things through and would I please answer his call when he called me. I said I would and asked to please keep me updated on what was going on with his dad. He said he would call me if anything changed.. because it deserved it. I didn't hear from him again until Saturday when he texted me 4 hours after his dad passed and simply said he passed at a given time.

 

Five days later, I called and talked to him and said I hadn't heard anything, he hadn't called when his dad passed and needed to know where we stood. He said he thought we needed to leave things as they were.. we needed our space. He just couldn't do this right now. I asked why.. wanted to know if I had done something in particular and he said no, I hadn't done anything. He just couldn't do it. I asked that if I hadn't done anything and there was no one else, why and he didn't have one. He kept telling me he just needed to get things straight in his head right now and he didn't blame me for any of the decisions I had made.

 

A week later, I see on his Facebook that he's now ENGAGED to the chick that was rubbing his hand in the car and when I asked him about it, he said he didn't think it would affect me and asked if we really needed to talk about it. I said yes, how do you go from having wedding plans with me to engaged to someone else in a week's time.. and what about her boyfriend and kids' dad. He told me they had broken up before we had (I found out later on Facebook it was a week before us) and that he hadn't had anything going on with her while he was with me. He said they had all been sitting around drinking the night that his father passed and that he and that girl had just started talking. It was brought up later that it would be funny if it said on Facebook that the two of them were engaged, because that had always been her ex's biggest fear, that she'd leave him for my X. I told him I didn't believe there hadn't been anything for a minute and have fun raising someone else's babies. He told me if a night of drinking and a Facebook post cause me to doubt his loyalty we were better off apart.

 

He texted me the night after I found out and told me "I want you to know for yourself that I didn't cheat on you. You're worth more than that and you know it." I didn't respond. Two nights later, I get another text that said "I'm sorry". I waited a while, then texted back "Me too. Sorry I wasted 7 yrs on this BS." He said he was sorry I felt that way.. I went on to tell him I knew we were over, but I still questioned how he could move so quickly from me to her if there wasn't anything going on.. and cautioned him that if she could let her x call her former bf daddy, and then drop him, what makes him think she wouldn't do the same to him if something else came along and they weren't working out.. how he had told me for years that they could never be together.. she had kids and he couldn't raise anyone else's kids.. and that he couldn't go back to his hometown cause it was filled with people who never went anywhere and he was always so goal oriented.. had things changed so much? I also threw out several other cautions, questioning her morals in being able to sit on one side of a man and rub and hold his hand while his girlfriend sat on the other side of him, and told him again, that I knew we were done. He thanked me and said he really appreciated my thoughts and warnings.

 

Two nights after this, he texted me and AGAIN it said "Sorry." I left it until the next day (I wasn't going to respond, but I was having a horribly emotional day). I ended up texted him back "For?" He replied "everything". I said that this definitely wasn't where I thought our futures would be, but I guessed we'd have to see. He said yeah, I suppose. I tried being cool and calm and told him not to sound so enthused. He texted back lol. I told him I wasn't sure that I could have contact with him anymore.. that it was too hard on me to hear from him.. he knew my feelings on everything. He said he understood, and I asked him if he wanted to talk one last time. I felt bad for having hung up on him and been pissed (even though he deserved it).

 

I asked him to be honest with me.. I felt like he owed me that much and again he swore they had just started talking and after the facebook thing, it just felt comfortable.. and that she felt comfortable with it.. so they had decided to see where it went. I asked him if the situation were reversed if he would believe his story, and he said no.. he'd have a hard time with that.. but if I gave it to him straight like he had me.. he'd have to trust me. The rest of the conversation, he kept telling me I needed to cheer up, that this was good for me.. I was making changes in my life for the better.. then went on to use old special terms we had teased each other with.. saying he was trying to cheer me up. I told him he was just flirting and he said no, he was trying to cheer me up. I felt much better by the end of it, though it was hard to say goodbye. He mentioned that he was still subscribed to my Facebook page and had seen I had cut and highlighted my hair.. that it looked nice. Also said he'd seen all my "smiling pictures", though the moment I get with someone he'll have to "unsub from that ****". I had him listen to the song "Don't Leave Her if You Can't Let Her Go.." and he said it was very true. I asked him then why he'd have to unsub from my feed and he never answered. Things were basically left at that and it'll have been a week ago tomorrow.

 

So now. Do I believe what he says? He's insistant. I truly believe he's just been stringing me along. Today I unfriended him from Facebook as a final cut of ties. I can't help but loving this man. Though, on the other hand.. everything about our history wreaks of his being "emotionally unavailable" and future faking. Do you think this new thing is something that's for real? Or a rebound thing? He had written in a Facebook message to my mom that they have been in love for years, but that she had had kids from a failed relationship and he was out on the coast, so nothing ever developed, but now, most of the obstacles keeping them apart were gone and they were happy. I can't help but feel like I was lied to all those years then, when he swore I was his soulmate.. that he'd never connected with another woman as he had with me.. the whole speal.

 

I know I need to move on and am trying. I've been 6 days NC, cutting off all ties to him, even Facebook. I just can't help but wonder should I believe him? Could he be telling me the truth? If so.. do I dare take him back if he decides he was wrong in this decision to date this new girl?

 

Any help is appreciated more than you know!