Different viewpoints

[Stoneman70]

As I look through multiple posts throughout this board I notice a pattern to responses to peoples questions/thoughts.

 

It seems those who were OW/OM are more understanding of the pain one goes through in the affair with it ending. Even the MM/MW are hurt and more understanding of the affair dynamic and the complexity of it.

 

What I also see is those who i can clearly tell are BH/BW respond completely different. It seems like a bit of a defense mechanism, to tell amyone in an affair or that their affair just ended that he/she doesn't love you or wants you out, etc. No understanding. I get where that is coming from, but honestly unless you have had an affair you dont understand it. All viewpoints are appreciated, but It's not like a BS knows the dynamics of the two people in an affair.

 

Maybe I'm wrong but that's my opinion and what I see here.

[2sure]

Certainly affairs are as unique as individuals in many ways and each perspective is different among the people involved of course.

 

At the same time , having been both OW and BS ..I am amazed at how many similarities most of the stories on here have.

 

If the perspectives were not different, and if each story were identical ...there would be no need of conversation.

[UpwardForward]

Anyone who discourages people in affairs w marrieds, and encourages toward reconciling their lives - is doing a great favor.

 

IMO, affairs where the two aren't of the same accord - toward marriage, are not meant to be.

 

Affairs w married people are a waste of everyone's lives and do cause destruction.

 

What goes on in the M, should be closed to the outsider.

[MissBee]

Well if you have different viewpoints to choose from...that's what matters. If you feel what a BS is saying is irrelevant, then take it with a grain of salt.

[Got it]

Stoneman, I agree. It isn't the opinions in the general sense but in the areas where there are endings, etc that negates one's feelings is where you can see the differences.

 

There are common themes in ALL romantic relationships. Just not that many storylines, themes or mores that can happen. Romantic relationship, in whatever relationship status, are all pretty generic. Affairs are no different. Not better not worst but the same. Most writers know there are only so many general storylines they can write about.

[Owl]

As I look through multiple posts throughout this board I notice a pattern to responses to peoples questions/thoughts.

 

It seems those who were OW/OM are more understanding of the pain one goes through in the affair with it ending. Even the MM/MW are hurt and more understanding of the affair dynamic and the complexity of it.

 

What I also see is those who i can clearly tell are BH/BW respond completely different. It seems like a bit of a defense mechanism, to tell amyone in an affair or that their affair just ended that he/she doesn't love you or wants you out, etc. No understanding. I get where that is coming from, but honestly unless you have had an affair you dont understand it. All viewpoints are appreciated, but It's not like a BS knows the dynamics of the two people in an affair.

 

Maybe I'm wrong but that's my opinion and what I see here.

 

Interesting.

 

So if I can't know about those dynamics...explain it to me. How do those dynamics differ to a point that a BS cannot know...or more importantly, extrapolate...them?

 

I've never had a broken leg...but it sure didn't seem to prevent me from being able to sympathize and empathize with my daughter when she did. I've never missed my shot at an Olympic gold medal...but it doesn't seem to prevent me from having some insight into how that might feel to those that did.

 

What prevents me from being able to do the same with this?

[Got it]

Interesting.

 

So if I can't know about those dynamics...explain it to me. How do those dynamics differ to a point that a BS cannot know...or more importantly, extrapolate...them?

 

I've never had a broken leg...but it sure didn't seem to prevent me from being able to sympathize and empathize with my daughter when she did. I've never missed my shot at an Olympic gold medal...but it doesn't seem to prevent me from having some insight into how that might feel to those that did.

 

What prevents me from being able to do the same with this?

 

Do you sympathize with the OP or WS when they are in the affair? Do you see things from their point of view? Can you cheer when they are happy?

 

If no, then that is what prevents you from doing the same here.

[LFH]

Interesting.

 

So if I can't know about those dynamics...explain it to me. How do those dynamics differ to a point that a BS cannot know...or more importantly, extrapolate...them?

 

I've never had a broken leg...but it sure didn't seem to prevent me from being able to sympathize and empathize with my daughter when she did. I've never missed my shot at an Olympic gold medal...but it doesn't seem to prevent me from having some insight into how that might feel to those that did.

 

What prevents me from being able to do the same with this?

 

I don't know? What does? I rarely ever see someone from the "BS side" so to speak, say to the person who's heart is broken.. "I know it hurts. I'm sorry it hurts. That sucks, but it's going to get better."

No, what usually gets said is (And this is a direct quote from one that was posted yesterday) "Thats what you get for bedding down someone else's husband"

Do you sympathize with the OP or WS when they are in the affair? Do you see things from their point of view? Can you cheer when they are happy?

 

If no, then that is what prevents you from doing the same here.

^^this

[bentnotbroken]

As I look through multiple posts throughout this board I notice a pattern to responses to peoples questions/thoughts.

 

It seems those who were OW/OM are more understanding of the pain one goes through in the affair with it ending. Even the MM/MW are hurt and more understanding of the affair dynamic and the complexity of it.

 

What I also see is those who i can clearly tell are BH/BW respond completely different. It seems like a bit of a defense mechanism, to tell amyone in an affair or that their affair just ended that he/she doesn't love you or wants you out, etc. No understanding. I get where that is coming from, but honestly unless you have had an affair you dont understand it. All viewpoints are appreciated, but It's not like a BS knows the dynamics of the two people in an affair.

 

Maybe I'm wrong but that's my opinion and what I see here.

 

Nothing wrong with having your opinion(right or wrong), it is what makes the world a very interesting place.

[woinlove]

As I look through multiple posts throughout this board I notice a pattern to responses to peoples questions/thoughts.

 

It seems those who were OW/OM are more understanding of the pain one goes through in the affair with it ending. Even the MM/MW are hurt and more understanding of the affair dynamic and the complexity of it.

 

What I also see is those who i can clearly tell are BH/BW respond completely different. It seems like a bit of a defense mechanism, to tell amyone in an affair or that their affair just ended that he/she doesn't love you or wants you out, etc. No understanding. I get where that is coming from, but honestly unless you have had an affair you dont understand it. All viewpoints are appreciated, but It's not like a BS knows the dynamics of the two people in an affair.

 

Maybe I'm wrong but that's my opinion and what I see here.

 

From my perspective, I don't see BH/BW in general having less understanding of the "affair dynamic and complexity" than MM/MW and OM/OW. The latter can misinterpret the dynamics and complexity because through rationalization, minimization, trying to justify, projecting their own hopes. It varies a lot by the individual. The labels only tell a part of the story.

 

I wonder if you, Stoneman, aren't seeing things through a MM/WH/OM's perspective and hence missing some rationalizations from others in your position and missing some truths from those with a different perspective. Also, keep in mind that sometimes an individual doesn't even have the truth of their own situation because they are in a state of rationalization, denial, and wishful thinking - not to mention that they might have been lied to be one or more parts of the triangle.

[eleanorrigby]

Do you sympathize with the OP or WS when they are in the affair? Do you see things from their point of view? Can you cheer when they are happy?

 

If no, then that is what prevents you from doing the same here.

 

Do you sympathize with BS when their experience infidelity? Do you sympathize with the children when they experience infidelity? Do you see things from the BS and betrayed children's point of view? Can you cheer when their family reconciles?

[jwi71]

Do you sympathize with the OP or WS when they are in the affair?

 

I do.

And I don't.

 

For me, it's hard to feel sympathy when one knowingly enters a type of R which is not likely to be healthy and is universally shunned. And let's face it, that's the case with an A. If those were acceptable in society, "we" would not prize anonyomity nor would one see, frequently, "I have no one to talk to about this..."

 

I invariably think "didn't you know this from day one?".

And, with rare exception, the answer is yes.

 

Hard to feel sympathy when someone intentionally "hits their head with a hammer. Sometimes more than once".

 

Having said that, I do TRY to gauge if I willbe helpful. I think I do a good job anyway. And yes, I have, on occasion, been all mushy - even with bunnies.

 

Do you see things from their point of view? [\quote]

 

Sure I can.

 

Can you cheer when they are happy?

 

I can, I do and I have done so in the past.

 

I make no secret of wanting to end A's.

And no, I truly don't care who ends up with whom.

If I can help end the A then I've achieved my, and likely the poster's, goal - end the hurt.

 

We have but one life to live so make it a good one. If you are in pain, stop whatever it is that is hurting you. Of you want more - go get it. If you are unhappy, then change course to be happy.

 

Simple really.

[LFH]

Do you sympathize with BS when their experience infidelity? Do you sympathize with the children when they experience infidelity? Do you see things from the BS and betrayed children's point of view? Can you cheer when their family reconciles?

 

I always feel empathy for someone that is in pain. I never cheer anyone gets hurt. I always feel bad that someone is experiencing grief.

 

As far as your other questions... (prepares for the flames)

Sometimes? I'm not going to lie, there are stories that get posted where I think a reconciliation is a HORRIBLE idea, and then there are situations where I am glad they are able to work it out. It depends on the situation. The difference for me, personally, I can't speak for anyone else...

is that I don't go over to that board and say negative things to anyone if I can't cheer for them, or be supportive. I don't tell them that I think they are wrong and in some cases call them names like I see happen to the OW/OM.

[Stoneman70]

Do you sympathize with BS when their experience infidelity? Do you sympathize with the children when they experience infidelity? Do you see things from the BS and betrayed children's point of view? Can you cheer when their family reconciles?

 

This board isn't here for that.

[eleanorrigby]

This board isn't here for that.

 

Never said it was.

[eleanorrigby]

I always feel empathy for someone that is in pain. I never cheer anyone gets hurt. I always feel bad that someone is experiencing grief.

 

As far as your other questions... (prepares for the flames)

Sometimes? I'm not going to lie, there are stories that get posted where I think a reconciliation is a HORRIBLE idea, and then there are situations where I am glad they are able to work it out. It depends on the situation. The difference for me, personally, I can't speak for anyone else...

is that I don't go over to that board and say negative things to anyone if I can't cheer for them, or be supportive. I don't tell them that I think they are wrong and in some cases call them names like I see happen to the OW/OM.

 

That's nice. I'm glad you are able to restrain yourself from doing that.

[Stoneman70]

I always feel empathy for someone that is in pain. I never cheer anyone gets hurt. I always feel bad that someone is experiencing grief.

 

As far as your other questions... (prepares for the flames)

Sometimes? I'm not going to lie, there are stories that get posted where I think a reconciliation is a HORRIBLE idea, and then there are situations where I am glad they are able to work it out. It depends on the situation. The difference for me, personally, I can't speak for anyone else...

is that I don't go over to that board and say negative things to anyone if I can't cheer for them, or be supportive. I don't tell them that I think they are wrong and in some cases call them names like I see happen to the OW/OM.

 

Exactly. Bravo!

 

I see so many mean posts from people who I assume are BS because who else would be so nasty? I don't want anyones opinion to be put down, but the negative posts are not good....I see so many " he doesn't love you, get over it, you did this to yourself" that's not support, its bullying.

[MissBee]

Exactly. Bravo!

 

I see so many mean posts from people who I assume are BS because who else would be so nasty? I don't want anyones opinion to be put down, but the negative posts are not good....I see so many " he doesn't love you, get over it, you did this to yourself" that's not support, its bullying.

 

I have seen some nasty posts from people who simply venture here, who are neither BS, OW or WSs but read about As and spout off.Not trying to be snide...but you do realize that most people in society have strong reactions to the subject of affairs? So it's a bit silly IMO to think that ONLY someone who has been cheated on would be nasty about it.

 

I'm not saying anyone being nasty is right or acceptable...it isn't, but I'm just saying that it is not that crazy that there are people besides those directly in A triangles who have choice words about it.

[woinlove]

 

I see so many mean posts from people who I assume are BS because who else would be so nasty?

 

That's quite a nasty stereotype. Do you really believe no one but a BS can be nasty?

 

You titled this thread different perspectives. Personally, I revel in the different perspectives, from those who choose secret affairs as a way of life to those who think they can either be good or bad, to those who think they are wrong. I don't have to agree with them in order to learn something. To each his or her own.

[Stoneman70]

I have seen some nasty posts from people who simply venture here, who are neither BS, OW or WSs but read about As and spout off.Not trying to be snide...but you do realize that most people in society have strong reactions to the subject of affairs? So it's a bit silly IMO to think that ONLY someone who has been cheated on would be nasty about it.

 

I'm not saying anyone being nasty is right or acceptable...it isn't, but I'm just saying that it is not that crazy that there are people besides those directly in A triangles who have choice words about it.

 

I know that. What I would like to see is this board be about support not nasty name calling or accusing. I know affairs are wrong, but when its over telling someone that is besides the point. Many BS say he or she is over you cuz they cut off contact or you did this to you or other accusatory language. People who come here don't need hand slappers, but support about their situation. I think everyone knows what they did was wrong.

[Stoneman70]

That's quite a nasty stereotype. Do you really believe no one but a BS can be nasty?

 

You titled this thread different perspectives. Personally, I revel in the different perspectives, from those who choose secret affairs as a way of life to those who think they can either be good or bad, to those who think they are wrong. I don't have to agree with them in order to learn something. To each his or her own.

 

No, I do agree many post who are not any of those and I think their opinions are unwarranted.

[seren]

If and when I come over to this site, I don't comment to support an A, but, I do comment if someone is hurt or asks for advice. If I feel my experience is pertinent, then I use that to inform my response.

Hurt is hurt, no matter what the circumstances. Frankly, the stereotype that all BS make snide or hurtful comments is, IMO, wrong, similarly that all AP are (insert a stereotype). It would be naive to expect someone who has been hurt by infidelity to support an A, but many do understand pain, loss, feeling betrayed and many respond to the individual, regardless of LS label.

[William]

Where conversations here go off the rails is due to people forgetting the civility and respect precepts they agree to when joining LoveShack. It's really no more complicated than that.

 

It's no surprise that this thread is more of the same. Since it's not about any particular person's affair, it doesn't belong here anyway. More fodder for the canon of paying attention to the rules.