beatcuff Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 We were on the brink then with me doing the ‘180’ and with marriage consulting we are back. But her recent vacation with her family (me at home) now has me comfortable with a separation or not, I think. She comes home in two days and I am not certain what I will do. BACKGROUND My wife and I are in our 40’s, attractive, married for 20+ years, 4 children 10-18, both work and are financially comfortable. The children all play ice hockey and I coach (last season two teams). So we have busy weeks from September to March. We have an active social life with several different circles of friends. There is no public drama from either of us (in fact nearly every person does not know that we have trouble). We are not into PDA’s, do not need to be near each other at a party, are both happy when drinking, non-judgmental and jealously is not an issue. People appear to enjoy our company. I have a sharp biting sarcastic self-effacing sense of humor. Initially this may come as a shock to some, others find it hilarious. AND even thou my wife can keep pace with my comments; all think she is a saint for putting up with me. We are both very dependable: home when we say and reachable when out. I do a lot of activities with the children. I have on numerous occasions, after an early morning hockey practice, take those that want on a 2+ hour drive to ski an afternoon and return the same day. She works even harder caring for household. MY ISSUE I have a ‘fat-phobia’. My wife and our friends are well aware of this and will chide me for it every chance they get. Not that I hate overweight persons or announce it I just have no attraction to them. I find those underweight to be just as unattractive. AND I am just as concerned about my weight. To complicate matters my wife is a closet binge eater. To this day I have never seen it. And now looking back has always been one. She will without a clearly defined incident, start. At least I have not found one. She could be happy or sad or frustrated. I find it maddening because it appears that any tack I take or not starts it. She can put on a pound or more a day. Often it goes on for weeks. So this 5’2” woman could weight anywhere between 120 to 170 pounds and has hit both numbers the same year. The cycle ends when I point out the gain. She usually is upset with me for a couple of weeks for saying it (even if I try the gentlest of words). The only issue I have with her is yo-yo weight. If she were always heavy I would have to confront my issue and decide if I could overcome it. But instead I am on this roller coaster. Adding fuel is her personality changes with the weight. When she is heavy she acts withdrawn, overly concerned with her appearance and takes any comment I make as an insult – even if not directed at her AND even if there was no connection (to weight). Not and she is outgoing, vibrant, relaxed and very flirty with friends. AND she will make negative comments about another person whose outfit makes their weight obvious. BTW can we put aside the ‘well that is petty’. I want to be attracted to my wife. I see far too many friends ‘sleep walk’ in their marriages and/or lie. I guess small lies are needed from time to time (and I do) but if you cannot straight talk to your spouse about something that you consider important then what do you really have. After all I assume nearly all of us that a bright line with cheating and have no issue stating what we consider that to be. BREAK About 3 years ago she went on a binge from Halloween to Christmas adding about 30 pounds. I called her on it. I was expecting a typical ‘I know’. This time she had a litany of excuses some absurd. I responded with ‘it appears easy to me, stop stuffing your face with food’; granted not my brightest moment. But I was feeling hopeless. I believe it is the first time I realized there is a serious problem. She was not angry; speechless is the best way to describe it. We did not speak for a couple of months. The binge ended and she lost the weight. But our relationship was pretty tattered. I think she realized I was not happy and I realized she is what she is and it is never going to change. I became what I hate the most – a zombie. About a year later she started with bizarre lies: designed only aggravate me. Ex: she would say she is going to her mom’s but go to her friends. I find out because the other hubby would call me and say your wife is here – come get me so we can go out. She must have known this would happen. After several months of this I told her either we fix it or move on. She admitted she was seeing an IC (although to help her deal with her father’s death which happened 4 year ago) for months. She suggested I do the same. I did. A week later she said she was done, admitting she had already been looking for another place to stay. I blurted out ‘really?’ I did not say much. The actual conversation lasted a minute. I was crushed. She was my rock, always there, now I had and was nothing. The next day I called a male friend. He urged me to work it out until it was really dead. I begged for another chance. I felt humiliated while it was going on and felt worse afterwards. I was not angry at her but me for kicking my decency so low. I was making every 180 mistake there was times two. She did decide to give it another go. I walked on eggshells for two weeks then she admitted she was only going through the motions and was done. She wanted to see “if grass is greener” [see OM below]. We talked for an hour. She listed of all my faults. I responded like I was on a witness stand: countering most comments. She decided she would reconsider and would talk the next night. The whole encounter was eeire. We were both acting like it was a business negotiation. She said both her IC and her mom thought she should try – for real. Things improved greatly. During this entire time period my IC was telling I need to start the process of realizing it was over. RECONCIALTION We started with a MC - a in your face type. I admitted in session one it was 96% my fault. I thought why fight it. No one would side with me --- not even my friends. It actually made the sessions easier as there was no fighting over fault. He said after our first session he thought it was over. I said nothing on the way home. She took a nap. I went on a walk. My IC and MC was right, it was over. I had the longest cry of my life. We went out that night. She was having a good time. Her friends tried to convince me she was venting at the session. We spent most of the sessions beating me up on the weight issue (I could not bring up health issues). It was week after week of basically ‘you are wrong’. I had a real appreciation for homosexual persons. I am certain they heard it more than once ‘what is wrong with you’. Well I am not attracted to men and overweight women – it is what it is. I scored points once –I said ‘can I get an answer to this: she told me in the past if we breakup she will lose the weight and then some, so from my view she is at one end and I am at the other end and in between is the rest of world. You will control your weight for the 6 billion other persons but not me.’ After about 20 seconds of silence the MC moved on. After 6 months the MC decided we could go on without him. He asked for one alone with me. He said that it appeared she did not want to spilt but she was uncertain whether I cared. OM Ok so I have thought of it also. She states there was never one. I am not so certain. I have thoughts that she was split between me and him during that two week reconciliation ‘failure’ and apparently I won. I have no evidence of any type to support an OM and one of her close friends stated absolutely not. So can we assume there was not an OM. If there was and I find out I am done. So going down that path is meaningless. CURRENTLY It appears she is as loving as ever and relationship seems great. I have noticed some things: We have sex less (now about once or twice a month down from four-ish). She stopped initiating. Yet afterward she now stays whereas before she would go quickly to the bathroom. So does that mean she used to have sex to prove her love while now she is more comfortable? Which leads me to --- She has not said she loves me. AND I do not either. I am waiting for her lead. She acts like it but never says it. She does use pet names when talking with me. We have not talked about our relationship at all since the last session with the MC. She never admitted to anything during our break including what she actually discussed with her IC. That failed two week reconciliation has jaded me. I expect us to fail. I am not sure what we have. And this week I have slowly been consumed with it. Should I have a sit down? Go to an IC? Do nothing?
Gunny376 Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Just some food for thought ~ For the better part of human history ~ women's weight has not been an issue. In fact it has only been since the 1960's when Fifth Avenue designers thrust upon Western Pop Culture the concept of "Thin Was In" that women's weight became the issue that it has become ~ with the constant non-stop bombardment on television, news papers, magazine ads about losing weight. Albeit people's weight in Western Society has reached a "critical mass" stage in that some estimates that as much as 50 to 60 per cent of all men and women are overweight to the point of being considered obese. I agree that both men and women need to watch their weight ~ but for health reasons, (blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes etc) Going hand in hand with all of this ~ is as recent as my grandparents generation ~ weight wasn't the issue that it has become? Back in their generation (the Great Depression ~ WWII era) they ate pretty much what they could grow on their own ~ minus the food additives, food preservers, flavor enhancers, color additives, artifical sweetners, corn sweetners etc. Indeed as late as the early the 20th century ~ what is held up as the eptiome of attractiveness in womankind ~ that is to say ~ thin and skinny. Would have been rejected out of hand by most any and all male suitors as being "Skinny, scranny, and down-right un-healthy!" Throughout the course of human history ~ especially recorded human hisotry ~ its been women that have "some meat on their bones" that have been selected and desired as the best women for "dating and mating" The fact that many men in 2012 don't find women that are not the epitome of some 5th Avenues advertising excuative idea of what is Chic and not (What do they know ~ the fashion industry is repleat with gay men anyway? ) is a product of hundred of millions if not billions of dollars of advertising. Women's bodies are biologically designed to put on and retain not only weight, but fat and water. Think about it? 10,000 years ago when a woman had a child? There wasn't any SafeWay, Food Lion, WIC, canned baby formula. Children breast fed from their mothers much longer (as in years) than they do today. Where did that milk come from? You got it ~ from the food source that the mother ate ~ from the water that she dranked and retained ~ from the fat deposits that she put on when times were more feast than famine (and there were plenty of famine times to be had for sure and certain) I've had my fair share of women in my time. Big ones, little ones, tall ones, short ones, skinny ones, and "fat" ones. The ones that obsess about their weight and appearances? In my personal experience have been the very ones that's the hardest to get along with ~ live with. The one's that didn't obsess about their weight their apperance? They were the ones that had the best attitudes, the easiest to get along ~ live with, were the most fun, were always laughing and smiling ~ and YES were the best, most fun, most adventursome, most willing, most receptive, most loving, most caring, most giving, most nurturing, most giving ~ less selfish, less self centered! But then again? That's just my personal experience. There was once a tribe in which the value of a woman was judged by how many cows a man would offer her father for her in marriage. A woman who brought eight cows was highly valued. There was one man who had a daughter he considered to be worthless and who he would have given a cow or two to some bachelor just to get her off of his hands. One young man came to him and offered him EIGHT COWS for her!!!! :eek: :eek: The entire village was stunned! He told the Father! "I want HER to know that in my eyes and heart? To me she's worth TWENTY COWS! :love: :love: But all I have is eight cows?" :( The father readily agreed ~ relieved just to get her married off to someone ~ anyone. A short year passed. The young bride and groom had moved off to the edge of the village ~ keeping to themselves. One day during a very important annual celebration that came back to the village. All of the village people were in shock and stunned to see that the young bride had blossomed into the MOST BEAUTIFUL AND STUNNING OF ALL THE WIVES AND YOUNG MAIDENS IN THE ENTIRE VILLAGE! :eek: :eek: :eek: Wives become that which their husbands make them! If you want an old, bitter, mad, angry, hateful, resentful, spiteful, wife? Before you go pointing a single finger at the woman she's become? LOOK AT THE THREE FINGERS YOU'VE GOT POINTING BACK AT YOU!!! 1
road Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Just some food for thought ~ For the better part of human history ~ women's weight has not been an issue. In fact it has only been since the 1960's when Fifth Avenue Your historical inaccuracies makes me think you where not around back then. Had bad history teachers, never read a life magazine during the 1940's, never saw movies from the 1930's on, or pre censorship movie days. Thin and trim has always been in way before the 1960's.
Gunny376 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Your historical inaccuracies makes me think you where not around back then. Had bad history teachers, never read a life magazine during the 1940's, never saw movies from the 1930's on, or pre censorship movie days. Thin and trim has always been in way before the 1960's. As a Retired United States Marine Gunnery Sergeant? I've already lived and MADE more HISTORY than you will ever be able to read about. "Most people live thier entire lives wondering if they made a difference? Marines don't have that problem!" ~ Ronald Regan 2
GuyInLimbo Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Someone who binge eats and jumps in weight like that has some serious underlying issues that needs a lot of IC. It seems to me everyone involved is acting like it's a matter of her just "eating." It's a classic sign of tremendous anxiety and/or depression. IT'S NOT THE EATING! She can "say" she'd stop for someone else, but I call bull**** on that. A mentally healthy person DOES NOT binge eat for years and years. 1
Author beatcuff Posted August 22, 2012 Author Posted August 22, 2012 that makes sense except for the past countless years i was told it was me: if i just shut up/ignore it/encourage rather than poison, etc all will be right. we did have a conversation about it - once - and she said she needed to do something. what it is she will not say. AND she came back from her vacation. i would have expected without me for her to binge especially because her family is 'accepting of it' instead she lost weight. she acting as if all is right.
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