Relapsing

[confused836]

I can't believe I'm relapsing.

 

I broke up with my ex almost a year ago but we stopped talking/texting daily in February. There were multiple reasons why I broke up - we are both in med school and it would be long-distance which is tough, I didn't feel the same way about her, our relationship was filled with drama, lies, deception, and cheating on her part, and I wanted a fresh new start at a new school. Everybody I talked to told me that she treated me like dirt and I am better off without her.

 

But a month ago I found out that she's been dating this guy for about 5 months now and that she's in love with him. This just spiraled me out of control and now I can't stop obsessing over her. It doesn't make sense to me - I broke up with her and I was happy when I did it! But now I'm legitimately depressed and I can't get her out of my mind. I've been seeing a therapist and now I'm on anti-depressants.

 

I can't stop picturing her in bed with this new guy and using all the moves she used on me. I can't stop picturing her doing all the cute things she would do for me and I can't stop wondering why I can't get over her.

 

In my mind it feels like she "won." She cheated on me and treated me badly and although I broke up with her, she "won" and is with another guy. I've tried to move on and dated a few girls in the meantime very briefly but still am not in another relationship and I feel like she has one-upped me. She learned her lesson and won't put her new boyfriend through all the drama and pain she put me through and it just feels unfair.

 

This is really affecting me and I can't stop thinking about her. I can't even focus on studying - all I do is sleep all day to make me stop thinking about her. Can anyone please give me advice??

[Anastar]

Hey,

Sounds like you never dealt with the pain of the breakup...so it came back. I'm guessing that because you got a double whamy, namely the break up and the cheating. Its almost two separate heartbreaks.

1. The loss of someone you loved and who loved you back.

2. Betrayal by the person you loved and who you thought that if she loves you she would never have done what she did.

That's a lot of pain to deal with at one time.

You also must have hung on to some shred of hope that you guys would get back together, so of course that turned out to be a huge disappointment.

I suggest instead of sleeping, let yourself feel the pain of your loss, betrayal and disappointment. Try it, then ask yourself if you can accept what happened without judging her or yourself. If you can accept it, then let the pain come and tolerate it like you would if it were any other unpleasant sensation, i.e. getting punched in the face, stomach, head, etc.. If you feel anxious then accept that too. Try not to make this all about you. Keep in mind that her disregard for you doesn't mean that you don't deserve love and respect, it means that she has very little respect for herself and if thats true, why should she respect others. You say she learned her lesson...I doubt that, else she'd still be with you. She will do the same thing to the guy she's with now if not worse, because she just did it to you and thinks she got away with it, you're the one that moved away not her taking the shame of her actions with you. But in reality, no one gets away with anything, there's no free lunch. All of us pay one way or another. The longer we put off paying the more we have to pay back later. She treats other people like ****, and by doing that she treats herself like ****, and after some time, she winds up being treated like ****, because the kind of personthat will last with her will be on her level. I know how awful it feels to be marginalized by the person you give your love to...but at some point you have to address your own issues and ask yourself why you accepted her lies to begin with...you must have sensed that something wasn't quite right earlier rather than later in your relationship. Why did you make it easy for her to come in to your life and hurt you. What were you hoping to get in return when you avoided dealing with your gut feelings? Do you think you're not worth loving, or not worthy of respect? If the answer is no, than try to understand that your ex is like a wounded animal, she'll bite anyone who approaches too close...not just you. So why do you envy the guy she's in love with...if anything you've had a taste of her love and decided you didn't like it, do you think it will taste better to the guy she's with. Do you miss her love? She was overflowing with so much love that she had to cheat on you to contain it? Now she's giving this special love to the other guy...wonder how many of his friends she'll sleep with.

You have a lot of emotions mixed up, so try untangling a little at a time. Once you begin to examine your feelings and observe without panic and judgment as they come and go, your fear will subside and your obsession will diminish. And most of all, you will be better in your next relationship.

-A

Edited August 17, 2012 by Anastar

[confused836]

I started dating her because we knew each other for years and we eventually became close due to class. We started studying and hanging out with each other and at the time she had a boyfriend but she said she wanted to break up with him soon anyway because she was no longer in love with him. She tried kissing me a few times but I refused because she was in a relationship but eventually we did. I regret that extremely. I don't like how I helped her cheat on her boyfriend at the time.

 

What followed were months of heartache and pain. She broke up with the guy but was still physically intimate with him, she told him she loved him behind my back, she wouldn't tell her friends or family that I'm dating her or anything like that. It was just painful what she put me through but we eventually fell in love and she was the first and only girl so far I have slept with. I've had opportunities with other girls but with her it felt right.

 

Eventually due to all the drama and pain I decided to break up with her and just move on. I couldn't forget what all she had done to me.

 

Now I miss her so much once I found out she's in love with another guy. I called her to give me a second chance and to meet up with me but she said no because she would not make the same mistake she made before. I think she learned her lesson and that she is a really good person at heart who was going through a tough time. I gave up such a good girl and now I'm so upset. I think about how she's doing the same thing I'm doing everyday (med school) yet she gets to go home to her boyfriend who she loves and I don't even have a girl who I'm even flirting with here.

[Anastar]

Ok..I understand that rationalizing doesn't work to well when someone's suffering emotionally. You need to use emotional triggers to help yourself feel better. But before I make my next suggestion I want to say one more thing to appeal to your rational side.

So here goes.

You have no idea how she feels about her new bf and how he feels about her. You've idealized their relationship and you're projecting it onto her. This is her third guy you mentioned, it sucked with the one before you, it sucked for the most part with you, and now magically its bliss with guy #3 ?

 

Now consider this, you're obsessed with this girl, and you agree.

So imagine that you have an obsession, not with the girl, but with an idea. This may mean that you have some mild OCD. Ok ..that still doesn't solve the problem, but at least it gives you an idea of how to move forward. Think back to your past experience, when you had an obsession, not with a person, but with an idea, thing or activity. Think about your life at that time. What triggered the obsession, usually its more than one thing. Now think back how the obsession finally left. You may not remember the exact moment, but its like a chronic pain that you feel, and then when it leaves, you don't notice right away, but then a few days later you realize you're not obsessing anymore.

Time fixes this, but it takes a long time and its too painful. So you have to really want to get rid of this obsessive thought pattern. You may even be addicted to the chemicals your body is producing. Though I don't know the answer, I think its worth a try to remember your past obsessions and try and identify what turned them off. Just like the switch that turned it on, there is also an off switch. You have to find it. But rationalizing is not helping you right now, its too early for that.

Try it, and if it works, post it here....I'm looking for my off switch too...lol.

-A

Edited August 17, 2012 by Anastar