Decisiontomake Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 My husband and I (married 18 years, together 21) are considering a trial separation to try and work through some issues. This is more my doing than his BUT I do still love him, and am not sure if a trial separation (although I could do with the head space to truly figure out what I want) is a good idea. I'm looking to see if anyone has gone through one and come out the other side? Thanks.
Author Decisiontomake Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 Freedom is enticing, yes, I admit that. But the purpose is for me to try and work through what I want. I love him, but things haven't been "right" for a long time. I've never been on my own (met him when I was 17), and I won't know if that is the life I want at the moment without experiencing it. I also don't want to wake up in 6 months time and wonder what the hell I threw away a basically good marriage for. Does that help?!
standtall Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 I would say most likely no, because trial separations...along with divorces..are seldom mutual. My view is that when one spouse moves out while the other does not want them to go, it is a form of marital abandonment. 2
notbroken Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Freedom is enticing, yes, I admit that. But the purpose is for me to try and work through what I want. I love him, but things haven't been "right" for a long time. I've never been on my own (met him when I was 17), and I won't know if that is the life I want at the moment without experiencing it. I also don't want to wake up in 6 months time and wonder what the hell I threw away a basically good marriage for. Does that help?! My ex-wife said the same thing. We were divorced six months later. This is typical 'grass is greener' thinking. You will be 'free' to do some things you aren't now (date, etc), but you will also encounter plenty of other difficulties that keep you from being 'free' too. Sounds like you are in a bit of a mid life crisis. You are about to be in a whole lot bigger one. Fix your marriage if you can. 3
Author Decisiontomake Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 My ex-wife said the same thing. We were divorced six months later. This is typical 'grass is greener' thinking. You will be 'free' to do some things you aren't now (date, etc), but you will also encounter plenty of other difficulties that keep you from being 'free' too. Sounds like you are in a bit of a mid life crisis. You are about to be in a whole lot bigger one. Fix your marriage if you can. I've had the "mid life crisis" talk with my husband too. Maybe that's what it is - I really, honestly don't know. There's been periods throughout our marriage that have made me think of separation before so it could also be that there's a build up or growing apart elements at work. Am so confused, it's unbearable.
petterr Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 I agree with whats been said! Never make decisions when you are confused. Moving out means never coming back. The odds are against you. Take your time! Its a life changing desicion!
Lizzie60 Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 I don't believe in those trial separations.. once you separate you break something that cannot be fixed afterwards... it's my opinion.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Even Healing Separations have a low rate of success even though many therapists like to whip that one out. The "you have to be a whole person first" blah blah. Having gone through lot of that malarky, it caused tons of damage, all of which has not been repaired yet. The feelings of rejection far outweigh any potential benefit that could have been gained. If you want to explore life etc., make time for yourself to find the things that you enjoy. Last summer I went on hikes alone 2-3 times per week and had a great time. I got to know myself and my strengths much better. Are you resenting your h for some reason? Felt you gave up something too much for him or something like that?
dreamingoftigers Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 A lot of times we think that we need BIG shifts in our marriage to be happy. Oftentimes it just requires some more minor changes in order to feel that sense of freedom and relief. 3
worldgonewrong Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 wise words, D.O.T. and sometimes it's not the spouse who has to change; he/she becomes the lightning for unhappiness when really the unhappiness is something rooted in that potential walk-away. Something deeper that has nothing to do with the other person. 1
Author Decisiontomake Posted August 17, 2012 Author Posted August 17, 2012 Have answered some of the points you raised directly. Oh please. This same story has been repeated so many times...you need to be really honest about what you're feeling. RUDE! Your sex life with your h has no doubt, gotten humdrum and boring after all this time as you've both gotten lazy. You are both on automatic pilot. He probably just sticks it in for five minutes until he's finished, then rolls over and starts snoring. Instead of a warm loving feeling you are left with a wet sticky feeling. Sex had become a little formulaic, yes, but not since we've been having issues as we've both reconnected and realised the importance of that. Maybe over the years his six pack has turned to a big beer belly. Nope. He doesn't groom himself nearly as thoroughly as when he was courting you. Maybe he doesn't even bother to take a shower regularly. Actually the thought of his naked body being in you and on you is not exciting, it's gross. Wrong again! Instead of directing your energies outside the marriage, as so many men and women do when their marriage hits the doldrums, make a conscious effort to direct your energies INTO your marriage, to make it better. This is going to require a lot of work, not escapism, and you might have to do most of the heavy lifting until your husband starts to "get it." Yes, makes perfect sense. When was the last time you gave your h a toe-curling oral sex session? About two days ago! When was the last time your h licked your lady parts until you were ripping his hair out while having a screaming "O"? About two days ago! Marital relationships depend on plenty of good healthy mutually satisfying SEX to help hold things together given the stresses of normal life. It takes time, energy and effort and both of you have to carve out that time and prioritize it. HE has to take those showers, wear that cologne (whatever is your favorite), put on clean underwear, get rid of that belly flab if that's an issue, take all the time that's needed to "pamper" you sexually and in other ways too. And "manscape" himself too if he's hairy in the crotch. He's got to encourage you in your sexuality. (These are just some examples.) YOU have to get that kinky lingerie that's a little "out there," take it out of the drawer, and wear it for him. Black garters and fishnets, maybe with a sexy corset, can work wonders on the typical tired old husband. Shave yourself or get waxed. Buy some tasty lubes, lotions and massage oils. An assortment of vibrators and other "marital aids" to increase your stimulation and satisfaction. Get those scented candles out of the linen closet and fire those suckers up. When it is bed time you have to be able to get out of the "mom/wifey" mindset and into the "kinky slutty slave girl" mindset. Yes, get this but it is difficult when the other baggage of everyday life takes over - you're right though. Sometimes it's hard to be a slut in the bedroom when you're having to mother your partner in every other way! Of course that takes time, you can't transition from mom/wife to slavegirl instantaneously. You both have to put in the effort. It won't happen instantaneously, it's a process of both of you rededicating yourselves to the marriage. Yes that other new guy you have you probably have your eye on, have been flirting with, or maybe even already started to cheat with, is enticing, because he doesn't have any of the marital baggage that you have with your husband. So to a large extent it's a great big fantasy. Correct again - I have no idea why it's easier with someone else than it is with the person you love and have the history and shared investment with. I am a walking cliche. Before you go off looking for that fantasy, why not try to live out your fantasies with your husband, first? It's at least worth a sincere shot. Yes, it is. The advice given on here has been good in that it's stopped me in my tracks re the trial separaqtion route.
Author Decisiontomake Posted August 17, 2012 Author Posted August 17, 2012 Again, direct answers/comments are below. In reading countless of these "mid life crisis" threads my conclusion is that it HAS to be that the sex has gotten boring, or bad, and probably almost non-existent from the standpoint of OP's being really satisfied by it (meaning frequent and fulfilling O's). That's a really really difficult thing for many women to talk about, even anonymously on the internet, but especially with their husbands. Even more so I imagine where they've been together since they were both basically kids. Probably neither of them have too much other "experience" prior to this marriage. Think the issue here is that I was a 17 year old virgin when I met my husband. He was 28 and had been married before, and also had a few sexual partners prior to that so he was the big experienced person and I was new to it, and excited by it all. As I've gotten older I feel like I'm coming into my own sexually and as I've never been truly "free" with him on what I've wanted (although our sex life has never been dire!), it's difficult to suddenly start that. I would feel stupid if I text him something completely rude and horny. He would love it, and has said he would respond to that kind of thing, but I can't get over feeling stupid about it. it's therefore easier to do that with someone else. Go figure. Maybe the marital sex was never really THAT satisfying for her because they started together so young and inexperienced that neither of them really knows what the hail they are doing in bed. Now she's older, there's all kinds of internet resources about sex, and she's realized that maybe she's been missing out on something all this time. Agreed. I also have the personality that is always looking for the "next thing" and maybe I'm applying that here too. But because it's such a touchy personal subject, and it can really hurt the other spouse's feelings to be told that "you know, the sex isn't all that, and it really never has been," there's so much mutual shame and embarrassment that can come into it, people prefer to fly away from directly dealing with these issues. It's understandable people like OP feel this way, but running away is not the way to solve the problems in the marriage. They have to be directly confronted--as lovingly as possible, but recognizing that some changes need to be made and some feelings might get hurt. Need to put on my big girl panties and be brave I guess!
carhill Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 If you could OP, please describe your separation agreement and plan for turning this trial separation into a marital renewal. Thanks.
GorillaTheater Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 As I've gotten older I feel like I'm coming into my own sexually and as I've never been truly "free" with him on what I've wanted (although our sex life has never been dire!), it's difficult to suddenly start that. I would feel stupid if I text him something completely rude and horny. He would love it, and has said he would respond to that kind of thing, but I can't get over feeling stupid about it. it's therefore easier to do that with someone else. Go figure. You seem to have the clarity to understand the silliness of this line of thinking. I hope you also see how tragic it is as well. 1
Radagast Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 We got back together after a trial separation. The separation was her idea - she felt I had not supported her during a disciplinary issue at work - and she moved out. We separated for about a year, and then she returned and begged me to take her back. She had struggled during the separation and the children had taken it all very badly and were quite traumatised so I agreed. However, having experienced life without the daily stresses of living with her, I was less inclined to put up with as much as I'd put up with before, and about a year later I began an affair, which ultimately led me to leave the marriage a few years later. Without the revelation that the separation brought, that life without her was a lot better than life with her, I probably would have stuck the marriage out since I knew no better. So I'd say that even though we didn't make the separation permanent at the time, it did provide that taste of greener grass that was confirmed during the affair, that life could be a whole lot better than it was being married to her. I think the risk with trial separations is that partners may not want the same thing. Typically one partner wants the separation more than the other (in my case, my ex-wife wanted it and I didn't) and the separation may serves one partner's needs more than the other, so that one partner may later want to make the separation permanent while the other may want to get back together, even this is not immediately apparent as in my case. I suspect that if a relationship reaches the point where at least one partner is considering a trial separation, then living apart will be much better for at least one partner than living together and the relationship is unlikely to recover.
Author Decisiontomake Posted August 17, 2012 Author Posted August 17, 2012 If you could OP, please describe your separation agreement and plan for turning this trial separation into a marital renewal. Thanks. My thinking, honestly, is that it would give me time to appreciate what I have with him. He is so good, and patient, understanding that I'm going through some kind of re-evaluation at the moment, that it makes it easy for me to still be the one in control of the decision. He is saying he'll do anything to make the marriage better, and I feel that I need to see what it's like not to have it, to buy back into just how good it is. I'm sure that sounds completely counter-intuitive! I thought we would do weekly MC sessions during any separation, and maybe "date" again to get back what WE have/had together rather than us being about what life forces us to concentrate on all the time. There was definitely a though process of just wanting to get the hell out too - partly because I can't stand the thought of hurting him and I'm not sure I'm not going to do that. Either through this indecision of what I want (if he told me he was confused abou whether he wanted to be with me it would break my heart, yet that's basically what I'm saying to him), and also because I AM tempted to stray to try and fulfill some of these voids, that I know are my own doing. It is terribly cliched and ridiculous, I know. However, sometimes we can't apply logic to our emotions or feelings and as much as I can be insightful as to the whys,wheres, and whats, it doesn't stop me feeling like I do.
Author Decisiontomake Posted August 17, 2012 Author Posted August 17, 2012 You seem to have the clarity to understand the silliness of this line of thinking. I hope you also see how tragic it is as well. Yes, I get that. Doesn't make for a solution though!
GorillaTheater Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Yes, I get that. Doesn't make for a solution though! The solution is the same as overcoming any other fear (in your case, the fear of looking or feeling stupid): plunge in. In time, especially if your husband responds positively (as I strongly suspect he will), you'll grow more comfortable with expressing your sexuality with him. Tell him you want him to bang you like a screendoor in a hurricane. I bet you'll find it alot easier to do the next time. 1
Author Decisiontomake Posted August 17, 2012 Author Posted August 17, 2012 Tell him you want him to bang you like a screendoor in a hurricane. I bet you'll find it alot easier to do the next time. that's too funny.
carhill Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 My thinking, honestly, is that it would give me time to appreciate what I have with him. He is so good, and patient, understanding that I'm going through some kind of re-evaluation at the moment, that it makes it easy for me to still be the one in control of the decision. He is saying he'll do anything to make the marriage better, and I feel that I need to see what it's like not to have it, to buy back into just how good it is. I'm sure that sounds completely counter-intuitive! 'Anything to make the marriage better' is somewhat nebulous, would you not agree? Is this satisfactory to you? I thought we would do weekly MC sessions during any separation, and maybe "date" again to get back what WE have/had together rather than us being about what life forces us to concentrate on all the time. -Weekly MC sessions - Dates Good. How about domiciles? Dating others? Sexual and emotional fidelity? Money? Etc, Etc. This is what I'm referring to by 'separation agreement'. Clearly communicated perspectives and boundaries about what 'separation' means to you as a couple. In order for this to take place, he needs to talk. There was definitely a though process of just wanting to get the hell out too - partly because I can't stand the thought of hurting him and I'm not sure I'm not going to do that. Either through this indecision of what I want (if he told me he was confused about whether he wanted to be with me it would break my heart, yet that's basically what I'm saying to him), and also because I AM tempted to stray to try and fulfill some of these voids, that I know are my own doing. Great content for MC. Get it out there and work it. It is terribly cliched and ridiculous, I know. However, sometimes we can't apply logic to our emotions or feelings and as much as I can be insightful as to the whys,wheres, and whats, it doesn't stop me feeling like I do. IMO, clarity is what illuminates the path. You're married legally until the ink is dry on the divorce seal. You're committed in your psyche until you're not, regardless of any legal partnership. You define the path. If this separation assists you/him in achieving your/his clarity, I would view it as a positive action. As a disclaimer, the psychologist who provided us with MC over 14 months opined that separation is a pathway to divorce. I think it *can* be a pathway to divorce. It doesn't *have* to be. You make the call. Good luck.
Kelemvor Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 I'm separated right now also and I actually looked up the statistics and I think it said about 10% that separate end up re-conciling. 90% divorce.
health Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Decisiontomake - You said it's way easier to talk dirty to a new guy then him? You can do what you want, and deal with whatever the consequences are. If my wife wanted a trial separation where having sex with others is involved, I'd just divorce her. If you want a loving relationship "Be" loving, "Act" loving. If you plan on sleeping with someone else it'll cheapen everything. If you already did and feel bad about it. Leave your husband. There's no way of not hurting him. You guys sound like you have it so good, it sounds like minor issues. Do your thing though and all the best!
Author Decisiontomake Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 .You guys sound like you have it so good, it sounds like minor issues. QUOTE] Yes, I get this fact. Have no idea why that doesn't make any difference to the utter, sickening turmoil I'm in at the moment though.
carhill Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 OP, have you addressed the issues I raised in my prior post? As a disclaimer, I was separated, we did get divorced and I'm post-divorce around two years. I've been through it and learned a lot and made plenty of mistakes to do that. That is where my questions and advice come from, as well as from the thousands of dollars spent on psychological help, which you're getting the benefit from for free. IC with a psychologist competent in marital issues can help you with your turmoil, presuming you want help and to move forward. Make an appointment today
Author Decisiontomake Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 OP, have you addressed the issues I raised in my prior post? As a disclaimer, I was separated, we did get divorced and I'm post-divorce around two years. I've been through it and learned a lot and made plenty of mistakes to do that. That is where my questions and advice come from, as well as from the thousands of dollars spent on psychological help, which you're getting the benefit from for free. IC with a psychologist competent in marital issues can help you with your turmoil, presuming you want help and to move forward. Make an appointment today I have been in IC for the last 5 weeks - had two sessions last week as there were some intense moments at home. Feel completely emotionally detached at the moment. Only cried for the first time last week with my husband when I admitted the confusion I was currently feeling. Spent the next day feeling sick. It's a rollercoaster. I'd quite like to get off!
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