My son has come out, to me.

[whichwayisup]

My son got a text around lunchtime 'You free tonight? X' from his dad. We already had a hill-walk planned so he's coming round late, I'll be around, but in the background, and time will be limited with bedtime looming. I am hoping and praying he's turning up with a big ol' portion of Sorry and a bigger portion of Love!!!

 

My son read this thread last night, by the way. He was really pleased and comforted by the support. Thank you.

 

Me too. I really hope he's realized how he handled it all was SO WRONG and he's come to apologize to his son.

 

Glad he's read this thread too, the more people who back him up even online will make him strong and let him know that he's gonna be okay no matter what.

[TaraMaiden]

Keep us posted, hun.... Good luck.....

[TigerCub]

Silly Girl's son

you're a brave one

It takes a lot to come out and say

that you think you might be gay

But those that love you, love what's inside

they'd love your courage, honesty and pride

So don't let people's ignorance get you down

don't let their judgements make you frown

Plus, your mom seems really awesome and cool

and if your dad doesn't get it, then ignore that fool

 

Seriously though, I hope that the upcoming visit from dad goes much much better and that dad is accepting and supportive.

 

SG, you're an awesome mom!

[Silly_Girl]

The main thing is my son is happy. I'm mad as hell with his dad, but I just have to swallow that.

 

He came over, he wanted to talk away from the house but my son refused, so they chatted in another room. My son made him a cup of tea (we're all out of arsenic ). Apparently no apology was offered, more a justification 'it wasn't the news at all, I'm fine with that, but you did not need to drag me to a total stranger - THAT'S why I was angry'. His dad asked a lot of questions, understandably, although I did hear some of this and have to say I thought his tone stank 'how long have you known? How can you be sure? How long has your mum known? You know people are going to be nasty? Why do you need people to know?' etc.

 

Within 15 minutes, I'd say, it was more jovial and they were laughing. And chatting about non-related stuff actually. It seems my ex-husband deals with everything one of two ways these days: anger or humour.

 

He was at the house about an hour total and my son was RELIEVED. And that kind of made me angry. He loves his dad and is so loyal. He accepts all the cancellations, the lateness (often over an hour), being ostracised from the new family, all of that. So in the end I think he was just grateful Grateful there's no conflict. And as his mum I have to feel that relief too. But I know he deserves so much better and I'm sick of him having to be the adult to this overgrown baby he calls dad.

 

I did hear my ex say 'shall I tell Nanny (his mum) for you?' and my son said 'no that's okay. I'll do it when I see her next'. His dad said 'well if she finds out from your cousin or something she might be upset' and I love my son's response given that the old bird lives no more than 2 miles away from us and has her other 2 grandchildren living with her: 'considering I only see her about 4 times a year max, I reckon she'll be okay'.

 

I found sending my son to counselling a bit of a challenge at first. NO DOUBT it was the right thing to do, but having been his sole parent for so long, his sounding board and support and comfort-hug giver... I felt I had lost a little bit of him, or rather, felt like he was growing up and away from me a bit. And this week or two is more of that, but it's also helped me see how capable he is and how I need to trust HIS judgement. I've tried so hard not to sway him through this and I actually think he's done well.

 

He also emailed my mum and sister and sent them a link to a forum thread he wrote, in case they found it hard to understand. Which they didn't, of course, and so that's a Nan and a Grandad and an Aunt and Uncle firmly in his corner and telling him so. He is seeing one of his best friends this evening to tell him too and get some feedback on their social group as a whole. This is all what he wants and although he finds each stage difficult he is certain it's the right way for him, overall.

 

As an aside, when he asked me to look at a thread he wrote I noticed another he'd written. I wish I'd not seen it and I haven't confessed to him I have, and I'm usually very open... Do you think I should tell him? It explained all the fantastic qualities the boy he feels he is in love with has, and how being around him makes him smile involuntarily, how when they're due to meet he has butterflies and how cute he is. And then how sometimes it makes him just want to burst in to tears to have such strong feelings and know they will never, ever be returned. He said it's in and out of his mind all day every day and he doesn't know how to accept that this guy won't love him back. It was so tender and so sad. But also pretty normal, I'm glad he's having feelings, I uses to worry that there were none.

 

I don't want him to feel he has no privacy, and I've not returned to that forum. Maybe I'll try and broach an isolated conversation about his feelings without using the thread as a basis.

 

Thanks so much for all the replies, and thanks Tiger for the rhyme - so cute!

[quankanne]

so glad that things went as smoothly as they did ~ I totally get your anger, though, and being the good mom you are, you want to protect your child from all the BS his dad inflicts upon him.

 

as hard as it is, stepping away the way you have tonight is your best response. Not because it lets your ex-jackass off the hook, but because your son has blossomed and grown into a good man thanks to your guidance.

 

not fussing here, just pointing out that by his actions and responses, I can see what a fantastic job you've done in raising your son ... and that's no small feat, Mama :love:

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, pushing my luck here:

In a nutshell:

Your ex- has processed things and dealt with them in what some might observe as a typical macho, bloke-ish way - all the questions he asked -

'how long have you known? How can you be sure? How long has your mum known? You know people are going to be nasty? Why do you need people to know?' etc

 

- reflect one thing: Personal fear.

 

Fear of a threat to his own masculinity ('How have I, as a full-blooded male, managed to produce a homosexual son? What did I do wrong? is it something in my genes') and a natural protective fear for his son ('Does this make him vulnerable? Defenceless? How will people treat him? Will everyone accept him? will he get picked on and bullied?')

Men tend to focus on the physical possible dynamics and consequences, and always seem to be observing matters through a defensive veil. Hence his two ways of diffusing things: Anger - attack, get before being got, and humour - defence, disarm through laughter.

 

Your son handles matters more maturely and differently - because, to put it in an almost cliché term - he's in touch with his feminine side.

And I mean that in a very good way.

He has a broader spectrum of evaluation.

[Els]

You're such an amazing mother, SG, and your son sounds like he's a good lad with a good head on his shoulders, too. So glad that you're supporting him in this. Far too many parents allow their religious and personal convictions to come between them and their children, and it's refreshing to see some who do not. Kudos to you, and I do hope he will eventually be comfortable, confident, and happy with who he is.

[Silly_Girl]

so glad that things went as smoothly as they did ~ I totally get your anger, though, and being the good mom you are, you want to protect your child from all the BS his dad inflicts upon him.

 

as hard as it is, stepping away the way you have tonight is your best response. Not because it lets your ex-jackass off the hook, but because your son has blossomed and grown into a good man thanks to your guidance.

 

not fussing here, just pointing out that by his actions and responses, I can see what a fantastic job you've done in raising your son ... and that's no small feat, Mama :love:

 

I think you're definitely right here. I do find/am finding it hard to back right off. I've had a few angry tears (away from my son) but he's old enough now... On holiday I overheard him make a comment to his friend about how his dad was grumpy he hadn't texted him whilst away and my son said 'not that it matters, he goes two weeks or more without being in touch and he drives past my house every day'. Any digs I make won't be well received and won't benefit anyone. It's sad enough his dad is a selfish idiot without me reminding him. And speaking to his dad directly falls on deaf (yet aggressive) ears

 

Thanks for the support!!!

[Silly_Girl]

Ok, pushing my luck here:

In a nutshell:

Your ex- has processed things and dealt with them in what some might observe as a typical macho, bloke-ish way - all the questions he asked -

 

- reflect one thing: Personal fear.

 

Fear of a threat to his own masculinity ('How have I, as a full-blooded male, managed to produce a homosexual son? What did I do wrong? is it something in my genes') and a natural protective fear for his son ('Does this make him vulnerable? Defenceless? How will people treat him? Will everyone accept him? will he get picked on and bullied?')

Men tend to focus on the physical possible dynamics and consequences, and always seem to be observing matters through a defensive veil. Hence his two ways of diffusing things: Anger - attack, get before being got, and humour - defence, disarm through laughter.

 

Your son handles matters more maturely and differently - because, to put it in an almost cliché term - he's in touch with his feminine side.

And I mean that in a very good way.

He has a broader spectrum of evaluation.

 

I think you're right! My son even said, with a twinkle in his eye, that the way his dad reacted anyone would think HE was the one with a problem with his sexuality.

 

I actually think I'd have taken ex's reaction better if it wasn't for all those years of him 'joking' "my son better not grow up to be queer".

 

And yes, my son definitely is better at processing and articulating. He's the spitting image of his dad physically, but emotionally more like me. Plus, I'm *such* a bloody talker (i.e. talking things out) it would be hard for that not to have an impact. My son has made several disparaging comments about his dad's lack of emotional maturity... Although not nasty, more like an acknowledgment. Such as "but I can't explain that to dad, he just wouldnt get it". It's a shame. It would worry me less if his dad was a dad in other ways but because he does zero parenting it pees me off!

[Silly_Girl]

You're such an amazing mother, SG, and your son sounds like he's a good lad with a good head on his shoulders, too. So glad that you're supporting him in this. Far too many parents allow their religious and personal convictions to come between them and their children, and it's refreshing to see some who do not. Kudos to you, and I do hope he will eventually be comfortable, confident, and happy with who he is.

 

Thank you so much! Something I've tried to instil in him is that there's no right way to 'do' life. I suppose because I didn't follow any traditional paths really. So when he talks about uni, even though it's predetermined for most of his peer group we talk over the many options which might suit as well if not better (I'm a night school graduate so I know what's possible). And the same with growing up, leaving home, finding a partner. It's always mattered to me that he feels supported whichever way it goes. Life rarely goes as we planned it - and as you say - it's being comfortable and happy that's important.

[Silly_Girl]

An update: sorry can't remember what I've posted in threads, but this is how things lie. He emailed my mum and sister to tell them his news, all fine. He's seen them since and feels comfortable. He told his closest friend last week. All fine. Then he was invited to a birthday sleepover Saturday, a mixed group of ten or so. Drinking cider and eating junk food in a tent in the garden. He decided to mention it to his friend in front of the group. All fine. He hung out with his 'crush' yesterday, then joined his family on a cinema trip (yep! Wouldn't go with ME ), and all is fine.

 

It's bank hol Monday now, I've lots to do in house and garden and his dad is coming over. Yes, his DAD!!! Shock horror. All the dozens and dozens of times I've encouraged his dad to give his son a TINY bit of his 2 days off a week... So they'll be out of my way in the games shed doing their boy stuff. Frustrates me to see my son excited at 2 hours with his dad, but whatever, I'm pleased for him.

 

My son felt strongly he wanted his news out before going back to school so that it was almost 'old hat' come September and it seems he's mostly managed that. He's very relaxed about everything and I am starting to see how much the worrying affected him. I suggested counselling for him for 'pent-up anger and strong emotions he didn't like' and although some of it was definitely various smaller issues, I think this concern about his sexuality was a big part.

 

Obviously I'm still apprehensive (er, petrified!) about reactions and trouble he may encounter, but really I should be heartened by the last couple of weeks and I'm so pleased that he seems chilled and happy. Phew!!