My son has come out, to me.

[Silly_Girl]

Hello. Well, my son has blown me away yet again. I really do admire him as a person.

 

He hadn't seen his counsellor for 3 weeks due to holiday, he came back and aksed for a private conversation. Over dinner he struggled and looked upset and then blurted 'I think I am bisexual'. I did what any parent would have done and asked 'oh really, that's interesting?' and took another bite of dinner

 

He told me it has been a long time coming, and he didn't want to tell me ("upset me") until he was sure. And he's sure. My personal opinion is probably that he's gay but bisexual possibly seems more palatable (to him) and is en vogue right now. He felt sick, couldn't eat, and was so upset - and relieved. Heartbreaking sight.

 

He said he had only told his counsellor that day and she advised him to speak to me. My son is petrified of his dad's reaction and begged me not to tell him. Which of course I won't. Based on his dad's behaviour in recent years I tell him nothing at all any more. Which is a point of conflict.

 

The thing is, from when our son was a toddler his dad shocked me (his dad was the kindest, sweetest most helpful guy, caring for elderly neighbours and running errands for others all the time) by saying he'd disown our son if he was gay. I half-thought he was joking. But apparently even last month he made a joke to our son about an athlete I think, and 'if you turn out to be one of those fags I'll disown you', and he laughed. That hurt my son. Over the years my son has mentioned from time to time (as kids do) about when he's older and his future wife and sometimes I would gently mention 'or husband - you never know'. I didn't want him to feel as though he was pre-determined for a life of heterosexuality.

 

Anyway, my son is sure of his sexuality and doesn't seem at all confused. We talked about how his sexual preferences could change, and change again, and that an open mind is the best thing. He believes he loves a friend of his. I have since found out he told his friend he has feelings for him. I know this boy fairly well and he is a very good lad indeed. I don't think (I am HOPING) he will let it affect their friendship, who knows.

 

During our initial conversation I explained how it absolutely does not define him and those who love him love the person, not his sexuality or academic achievements, His concern appears to be how he goes about coming out to the wider community, his friends mainly. He has a friend who has declared himself bi and he has a nickname now that my son thinks is unfair, although the lad himself laughs it off.

 

I warned my son that although I support him totally in being open about this, he runs the risk of everybody knowing if he tells just one person, so as long as he is aware of the risk then I will back whatever he chooses.

 

My boyfriend was due over later in the evening, I gave my son the choice to tell him or not, although I encouraged him to speak to him - purely because my boyfriend is the least judgmental person and I thought it would benefit my son to have someone other than his mother (!) to talk to if he wishes. I know my son really respects my boyfriend, and also part of my bf's job is an inclusion/equality role and my son felt that he would understand.

 

My son asked us (this choked me up) if we'd 'noticed a difference' and had been able to spot it. He said a few weeks ago he decided not to hide any more and would act naturally and see if anyone noticed. We explained that there was no difference whatsoever.

 

We had a long chat, the 3 of us, and my son seemed relieved but unsettled. He went to bed and I laid with him for a while, just so he wasn't on his own. I offered to leave a couple of times but he asked me to stay. I didn't want to leave him really, was worried what 'tomorrow' would be like!

 

Yesterday son and I found a forum and he posted and had good feedback and later, without me knowing, offered support to others as yet unable to talk to their parents. He has now asked me to stay off that forum to allow him to post freely without worrying I will know his private feelings. I agreed.

 

My son wants a strategy as to who to tell and who not. I have suggested that my mum and sister would be a good option. They won't judge him, but he can see how it feels to have people, who he doesn't see every day, who is isn't super-close to, knowing his 'secret'. He can see how it feels to just have the knowledge out there. I don't really consider telling my bf and I is telling anyone really, we discuss all sorts of things between us and have no secrets and we're safe. Don't get me wrong, he was brave to get to where he did on his own, and then brave to tell me, but I think it would be good for him to test this on family members before opening up to friends.

 

My son seems fine. I am watching all day every day (he is working for me in his school holidays, by coincidence) and I don't know what I expect to see, but he's calm, composed, and happy to talk if the subject comes up and also happy to talk about anything else.

 

I am not so composed. I took a wrong turn to work this morning, forgot I had left my car at the garage yesterday and nearly couldn't get home from work at all, I am drifting off and feel spaced. I have no clue how I personally feel yet (although I know I don't love my son any less of course!!), I am just hurting so much for my son, I feel numb. I am fearful of how hard life could be for him, and what nastiness could await him when term-time comes round. And in the longer term. I know he and I have always had an incredibly strong relationship, but that's not enough. I'm just one person.

 

If anyone has any experience or advice they can offer I'd be really grateful. Thanks so much.

[anne1707]

I have no words of advice SG other than to continue to do what you are doing - listening to and loving your boy. Just as I know you feel lucky to have him as a son, I am sure he feels lucky to have you as a mum.

[pteromom]

You are doing all the right things. Accept him, respect him, listen to him, and offer advice when asked.

 

Personally, I don't think it is necessary for him to start announcing that he's bisexual to everyone. He should just be himself. People will figure it out and if they have questions for him, they'll ask. The first time he says some guy is cute, most people will figure it out.

 

Don't worry about what might happen. Just take it day by day and deal with anything that does happen.

 

Yes, who he is may make life a little harder. But so would other things - being heavy; being poor; being redheaded; being unattractive; being disabled... the fact is most people have SOME characteristic that makes things harder for them. But no matter how hard it is, it is still SO much better than hiding his true self and living a lie. In time, he will find people to surround himself with who support him, love him, and protect him. And he already has you, so he is a big step ahead from a lot of other gay teens.

[whichwayisup]

SG, how old is your son? I've forgotten, sorry.

 

But apparently even last month he made a joke to our son about an athlete I think, and 'if you turn out to be one of those fags I'll disown you', and he laughed

 

Sadly, this has stuck with your son. What his dad said to him has always been in the back of his head.. What a shi,tty thing for a dad to say to his son!

 

I am not so composed. I took a wrong turn to work this morning, forgot I had left my car at the garage yesterday and nearly couldn't get home from work at all, I am drifting off and feel spaced. I have no clue how I personally feel yet (although I know I don't love my son any less of course!!), I am just hurting so much for my son, I feel numb. I am fearful of how hard life could be for him, and what nastiness could await him when term-time comes round. And in the longer term. I know he and I have always had an incredibly strong relationship, but that's not enough. I'm just one person.

Any good parent is going to feel this way. Just let this absorb..

 

Maybe go to counselling with your son, just to show support and let him know that you love him no matter what. Though he knows already, that you have his back.

[Radu]

What makes you think he's gay and not bisexual ?

[quankanne]

My son wants a strategy as to who to tell and who not.

 

that's probably going to be the hardest part about living with this knowledge, because you never know what to expect from folks you believe you know well. Maybe a good rule of thumb for him is to be very discerning and discreet, to the point of protecting his privacy until he can gracefully handle negative feedback from the folks he shares this with. I can't imagine him wanting to "lie" by not being open about it, but again, it boils down to being discerning and knowing who to trust his information with, especially at a young age when your skin (or defenses) are as tough as they need to be to just let ugly responses roll off.

 

that said, I'm proud of you for being the kind of mom your child trusts to share this with ~ being as calm as you were, and helping him find answers was a very positive choice, because he realizes he doesn't have to lie to you about who he really is :love:

[Silly_Girl]

I have no words of advice SG other than to continue to do what you are doing - listening to and loving your boy. Just as I know you feel lucky to have him as a son, I am sure he feels lucky to have you as a mum.

 

Thanks Anne, appreciate that. There are times it just doesn't seem enough, but it has to be

[Silly_Girl]

You are doing all the right things. Accept him, respect him, listen to him, and offer advice when asked.

 

Personally, I don't think it is necessary for him to start announcing that he's bisexual to everyone. He should just be himself. People will figure it out and if they have questions for him, they'll ask. The first time he says some guy is cute, most people will figure it out.

 

Don't worry about what might happen. Just take it day by day and deal with anything that does happen.

 

Yes, who he is may make life a little harder. But so would other things - being heavy; being poor; being redheaded; being unattractive; being disabled... the fact is most people have SOME characteristic that makes things harder for them. But no matter how hard it is, it is still SO much better than hiding his true self and living a lie. In time, he will find people to surround himself with who support him, love him, and protect him. And he already has you, so he is a big step ahead from a lot of other gay teens.

 

My boyfriend said something similar to this, no matter who it is, all teens are struggling with SOMETHING to a greater/lesser degree. If it wasn't this it would be how to meet girls or whatever else. I think I panicked at first, it's sinking in now though.

 

My son seemed anxious to tell people, but as the days have passed the urgency has lessened. I agree with you that he doesn't need to 'tell'. Now it's not bothering him then I have just let things be. I asked him to tell my mum and sister but he's unkeen to tell my mum because she can harp back to things and I know that for all of my son's life she has used the rare occasions they've been alone to grill him and my son is old enough now to express to me he just doesn't want her to constantly raise it with him. Which is fine by me. His choice.

[Silly_Girl]

SG, how old is your son? I've forgotten, sorry.

 

He's approaching 16.

 

 

Sadly, this has stuck with your son. What his dad said to him has always been

in the back of his head.. What a shi,tty thing for a dad to say to his son!

 

I know! I can hardly believe it actually. Even though it's been going on for years. I think sometimes I still see my ex-H as he was when we got together and forget what a total ar$e he is most of the time now.

 

 

Any good parent is going to feel this way. Just let this absorb..

 

Good advice. We had a very busy weekend, big garden party for family and friends. I think it was ideal because nothing was discussed or debated, we were just being us. Then yesterday was a lazy (hangover) day, just my son and I. TV and leftovers and chilling. Things feel a lot better now.

 

Maybe go to counselling with your son, just to show support and let him know that you love him no matter what. Though he knows already, that you have his back.

 

Yes, I hadn't thought of going together, but I will offer to attend a session with his counsellor if he thinks it would be beneficial. Thanks.

[Silly_Girl]

What makes you think he's gay and not bisexual ?

 

I've spent a lot of hours posting on or reading forums and his lack of sexual feelings, and total lack of interest in girls is apparently more standard for someone who is gay than bi. I heard from other men who came out as bi, but later accepted/acknowledged they were homosexual.

 

I wonder if bi is 'soft gay'. Perhaps he needs to share that he's not straight, but going directly from straight to gay may just be too difficult. Having an interest in girls would presumably make bonding at an all-male school a whole lot easier.

 

That said, I haven't questioned him on his reasoning, he knows how he feels and if his sexuality/feelings on the subject evolves, so be it.

[TaraMaiden]

My daughter is bisexual - and she credits her ease of life and general outlook on the fact that both her father an I never made any secret of the fact that such a situation would never bother us.

 

She confided in us once as a child, that our neighbour's daughter (very young, they were, and just play-acting) had actually "licked her muffy"....

(the child had seen one of her dad's porn videos which he'd left lying about carelessly... girl-on-girl action, ... so the child was just copying....)

I suppressed my initial shock, and just gently said, "Well, if you don't like it, say so. You don't ever have to do anything you don't want to do...."

 

That was the one and only time we hit that topic (I later spoke to the neighbours about leaving such stuff lying around...!) but my daughter told me that the relaxed openness i showed, did wonders for her own state of mind and confidence, and that she even at that young age, felt 'liberated'....

[Silly_Girl]

My son wants a strategy as to who to tell and who not.

 

that's probably going to be the hardest part about living with this knowledge, because you never know what to expect from folks you believe you know well. Maybe a good rule of thumb for him is to be very discerning and discreet, to the point of protecting his privacy until he can gracefully handle negative feedback from the folks he shares this with. I can't imagine him wanting to "lie" by not being open about it, but again, it boils down to being discerning and knowing who to trust his information with, especially at a young age when your skin (or defenses) are as tough as they need to be to just let ugly responses roll off.

 

that said, I'm proud of you for being the kind of mom your child trusts to share this with ~ being as calm as you were, and helping him find answers was a very positive choice, because he realizes he doesn't have to lie to you about who he really is :love:

 

You're so right about not being able to truly know/trust how people will react. I have tried to caution him without scaring him, don't know whether I achieved the right balance.

 

I wonder if we're done with this, actually. He seemed desperate not to be living a lie. The relief for him was enormous. But I'm the main relationship in his life, and prior to telling me he'd decided 'not to hide it any more' by acting more naturally (in his view). Maybe what you say is true and from here it will be a question of someone asking him (again) about his sexuality and him being honest. Maybe it won't be the enormous bombshell I was expecting.

 

And thank you for your comments. I cried my eyes out on another forum when people responded about how THEIR parents reacted, it was not pretty for them. I can't imagine being in such angst and upset and then not being able to turn to family. I didn't realise it was still such a problem for families.

[quankanne]

Perhaps he needs to share that he's not straight, but going directly from straight to gay may just be too difficult. I'm wondering if the BS he's heard from his dad isn't what's behind this? Because in a way, saying he's attracted to girls still means he's "acceptable" in his dad's eyes ...

[Silly_Girl]

Perhaps he needs to share that he's not straight, but going directly from straight to gay may just be too difficult. I'm wondering if the BS he's heard from his dad isn't what's behind this? Because in a way, saying he's attracted to girls still means he's "acceptable" in his dad's eyes ...

 

It could simply be that, yes. Didn't think of that.

 

We talked more today and after I put forward the suggestion from here he's now set up a counselling appointment for tomorrow, and for his dad to attend. Though it took ages to persuade his dad on the phone, because he thinks it's a 'stitch up'. His dad had told him that if he's being set up to make promises about our son wanting to see his half-siblings then he'll just get up and walk out of the session. My son was getting agitated and kept saying 'dad, it's not that. Dad! It's not that. Please, just come'. Ooh, I sometimes wish I could get my hands on that man

 

My son decided if he can tell his dad he can tell anyone. It's his dad he's most concerned about.

[TaraMaiden]

His dad doesn't deserve a son as cool as that.

[quankanne]

I wouldn't mind getting my hands on your former jackass, either!

 

*slaps mouth* Did I just say that out loud?

 

sounds like dad is VERY self-absorbed. But, your boy is correct in believing that if he can tell his father, it's the biggest mountain he'll conquer. Hoping that he stands firm regardless of what his dad flicks at him

[Silly_Girl]

It went very badly. My poor lad.

 

They met at my house and on the 5 minute journey his dad was ranting about how counselling is a waste of money and if he's just being dragged there to have them gang up on him about not seeing his little sister and baby brother then it's a waste of time, nothing will change.

 

They went in, counsellor introduced herself, my son said 'dad I wanted to tell you that I think I'm bisexual or gay'. His dad glares at him 'that it? Right, come on then son, we're leaving. Up you get. I'm not wasting time on this, you could have told me this anytime, what a waste'.

 

My son said 'but I was scared to tell you in case you were upset, you make jokes about gay people. His dad: 'so-and-so is gay, so is such-and-such. I've got loads of gay friends. It makes no f***ing difference to me. I tell jokes about them and I'll tell jokes about you. I'm leaving'.

 

My son texted saying he was on his way home and asked me not to intervene. They pulled up on the drive my son got out and I heard him say 'NO! You've shouted at me all the way home, told me I'm wasting your time. It took a lot for me to tell you. I'm not having it' and came in the house.

 

Then he sobbed. And so did I.

 

I rang the counsellor who was lovely. She said it went as she expected and my son had been very mature and brave and could not have done any better. She offered to see him right then but my lad didn't want to so she'll see him in a week. She asked me to pass on how very well he had done, how she knew it would go that way, that the worst was behind him now, and that she was there if he needed her.

 

My son and I have chatted for a while, but I have a house viewing so he's gone 'for a pint' with my boyfriend round the corner. I think overall he's going to be fine. He's talked today about when it dawned on him he might be gay, and that friends have asked him over the last year or so if he is. He seems reflective and happy with his choice.

 

His biggest concern now is whether he'll hear from his dad and what he'll be like. He said he feels he ought to apologise, because it's his dad, and he got angry, but that actually he feels his dad let him down and should be the one to make a move.

 

I am so f***ing livid. Last night his dad couldn't talk on the phone, busy putting the kids to bed. Saturday he couldn't see our son, he was busy taking the kids on a picnic. And today he couldn't give one hour of his time just to appease his son. I want to punch him repeatedly. But as usual I'll do nothing and just keep supporting our son. I'm so proud of the lad. I hope he has an easier time of it with his friends.

[Almond_Joy]

It went very badly. My poor lad.

 

They met at my house and on the 5 minute journey his dad was ranting about how counselling is a waste of money and if he's just being dragged there to have them gang up on him about not seeing his little sister and baby brother then it's a waste of time, nothing will change.

 

They went in, counsellor introduced herself, my son said 'dad I wanted to tell you that I think I'm bisexual or gay'. His dad glares at him 'that it? Right, come on then son, we're leaving. Up you get. I'm not wasting time on this, you could have told me this anytime, what a waste'.

 

My son said 'but I was scared to tell you in case you were upset, you make jokes about gay people. His dad: 'so-and-so is gay, so is such-and-such. I've got loads of gay friends. It makes no f***ing difference to me. I tell jokes about them and I'll tell jokes about you. I'm leaving'.

 

My son texted saying he was on his way home and asked me not to intervene. They pulled up on the drive my son got out and I heard him say 'NO! You've shouted at me all the way home, told me I'm wasting your time. It took a lot for me to tell you. I'm not having it' and came in the house.

 

Then he sobbed. And so did I.

 

I rang the counsellor who was lovely. She said it went as she expected and my son had been very mature and brave and could not have done any better. She offered to see him right then but my lad didn't want to so she'll see him in a week. She asked me to pass on how very well he had done, how she knew it would go that way, that the worst was behind him now, and that she was there if he needed her.

 

My son and I have chatted for a while, but I have a house viewing so he's gone 'for a pint' with my boyfriend round the corner. I think overall he's going to be fine. He's talked today about when it dawned on him he might be gay, and that friends have asked him over the last year or so if he is. He seems reflective and happy with his choice.

 

His biggest concern now is whether he'll hear from his dad and what he'll be like. He said he feels he ought to apologise, because it's his dad, and he got angry, but that actually he feels his dad let him down and should be the one to make a move.

 

I am so f***ing livid. Last night his dad couldn't talk on the phone, busy putting the kids to bed. Saturday he couldn't see our son, he was busy taking the kids on a picnic. And today he couldn't give one hour of his time just to appease his son. I want to punch him repeatedly. But as usual I'll do nothing and just keep supporting our son. I'm so proud of the lad. I hope he has an easier time of it with his friends.

 

 

Your son sounds intelligent, composed, and sure of himself. I'm sure it won't be an easy way for him, but he sounds like he will be fine in the end. What a guy! Some other fellow will be a lucky son-of-a-gun to catch your son's eye one day lol.

 

I know that doesn't really help you cope with what's going on - sorry - I just couldn't help posting how awesome I think your son is.

[TaraMaiden]

I think I'll have a word with Bill Gates. We need to set up a system with Microsoft that will be called micro-soft~touch and will enable people to HUG THROUGH THE SCREEN - !!

 

Please tell your young fellah that there are people out there who will always make up for the fact his dad's a wanker.

fekkin' toss-pot, don't let him come up near my neck of the woods, i'll tell you....

[Silly_Girl]

Both those posts made me cry. Thank you

[TaraMaiden]

Tell your son that if he wants someone to talk to, my daughters would both be great buddies.... PM me. No pressure, just a helping hand....

I'm UK side...

 

whatever you'd like.

[whichwayisup]

He's approaching 16.

 

 

I know! I can hardly believe it actually. Even though it's been going on for years. I think sometimes I still see my ex-H as he was when we got together and forget what a total ar$e he is most of the time now.

Well, your ex-assH isn't going to change his behaviour. Shame as he is missing out on a lot of good stuff when it comes to his own son.

 

 

 

Good advice. We had a very busy weekend, big garden party for family and friends. I think it was ideal because nothing was discussed or debated, we were just being us. Then yesterday was a lazy (hangover) day, just my son and I. TV and leftovers and chilling. Things feel a lot better now.

**2 advil, lots of water and McDonald's for breakfast =Hangover cure! (My sister swears by this, that it works!)**

 

IT's good to put it all out of your head(s), enjoy life without worrying or thinking about stuff.

 

 

Yes, I hadn't thought of going together, but I will offer to attend a session with his counsellor if he thinks it would be beneficial. Thanks.

You're welcome.

And hopefully in time, his dad will join him and go too.

[TaraMaiden]

....

 

You're welcome.

And hopefully in time, his dad will join him and go too.

 

Yeah... the phrase with 'freezes over', and 'hell' springs to mind... I advise the lad to not hold his breath - the guy is unfortunately not worth the consideration at all, it seems...

 

Still, we live in hope.....

[Silly_Girl]

My son got a text around lunchtime 'You free tonight? X' from his dad. We already had a hill-walk planned so he's coming round late, I'll be around, but in the background, and time will be limited with bedtime looming. I am hoping and praying he's turning up with a big ol' portion of Sorry and a bigger portion of Love!!!

 

My son read this thread last night, by the way. He was really pleased and comforted by the support. Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

It went very badly. My poor lad.

 

They met at my house and on the 5 minute journey his dad was ranting about how counselling is a waste of money and if he's just being dragged there to have them gang up on him about not seeing his little sister and baby brother then it's a waste of time, nothing will change.

 

Holy crap SG! I take back what I said about exAss coming around! HE is cruel!!

 

They went in, counsellor introduced herself, my son said 'dad I wanted to tell you that I think I'm bisexual or gay'. His dad glares at him 'that it? Right, come on then son, we're leaving. Up you get. I'm not wasting time on this, you could have told me this anytime, what a waste'.

 

Wow, I'm mad. Give me your exass's number and I'll give him a piece of my mind! Your poor son, the strength it took for him to come out to his father and all he's worried about is money and it being a waste of time.

 

My son said 'but I was scared to tell you in case you were upset, you make jokes about gay people. His dad: 'so-and-so is gay, so is such-and-such. I've got loads of gay friends. It makes no f***ing difference to me. I tell jokes about them and I'll tell jokes about you. I'm leaving'.

 

This makes me sick. How immature is he? WTF.

My son texted saying he was on his way home and asked me not to intervene. They pulled up on the drive my son got out and I heard him say 'NO! You've shouted at me all the way home, told me I'm wasting your time. It took a lot for me to tell you. I'm not having it' and came in the house.

 

Then he sobbed. And so did I.

 

Good for your son to stand up to his father. That must have been really hard for him to do. As painful as that was, for him to go through this and deal with his dad's reaction, at least now he can focus on those who support him and distance himself, put boundries up with his dad so he wont' get so hurt by him.

 

 

 

I rang the counsellor who was lovely. She said it went as she expected and my son had been very mature and brave and could not have done any better. She offered to see him right then but my lad didn't want to so she'll see him in a week. She asked me to pass on how very well he had done, how she knew it would go that way, that the worst was behind him now, and that she was there if he needed her.

 

Sounds like you two have a real gem in the therapist!

 

My son and I have chatted for a while, but I have a house viewing so he's gone 'for a pint' with my boyfriend round the corner. I think overall he's going to be fine. He's talked today about when it dawned on him he might be gay, and that friends have asked him over the last year or so if he is. He seems reflective and happy with his choice.

 

This is good and it'll help his confidence, knowing his friends too, have his back.

 

His biggest concern now is whether he'll hear from his dad and what he'll be like. He said he feels he ought to apologise, because it's his dad, and he got angry, but that actually he feels his dad let him down and should be the one to make a move.

 

NO, he has NOTHING to apologize for! The exASS is an adult, the kids father so he should be the one to reach out first. That's a parents job.

Your son stood up to him and stood up for himself - He shouldn't be sorry for doing that. And he didn't let his dad down. His dad let HIM down!

 

I am so f***ing livid. Last night his dad couldn't talk on the phone, busy putting the kids to bed. Saturday he couldn't see our son, he was busy taking the kids on a picnic. And today he couldn't give one hour of his time just to appease his son. I want to punch him repeatedly. But as usual I'll do nothing and just keep supporting our son. I'm so proud of the lad. I hope he has an easier time of it with his friends.

 

I really do hope in time he wakes up, if not he IS going to lose his own son and one day regret how he's treated him, and handled everything.

 

His friends know already on some level, and don't care. They all love him for who he is.