Who should pay for the plane ticket...?

[blugirl]

Heya all,

 

quick recap of the situation: we haven't met yet, he's living in a 3rd world country, claims he has no chance of saving up enough to come and see me first (his salary is horribly low plus he pays for his family bills, Asian thing) so I've decided to kill 2 birds with one stone and make my dream of going to Asia to teach English come true plus to meet him at the same time (I'd be teaching in a neighbouring country though, popping in to his city for a few days for a stop over). I'm still saving up though.

 

However, recently I've been feeling irritated a bit at the whole situation (I guess I'm getting impatient) because one of my closest friends is also in a LDR but her bf is from America so he could easily afford a flight here after just 4 months they met online and he's visited her first. So she claims that a man should be the one to visit and make an effort, otherwise I'll seem not worth to hold onto for him. She also claims if he can't afford the whole stay here and all the expenses connected with it, he should at least save up enough for my flight ticket there or at the very least he should pay 50% of the amount of it.

And that got me thinking.

 

What do you think guys, who is right here? Should he really pay at least half the amount for my ticket? He claims if he was earning more, he'd come see me a long time ago, but 'actions speak louder than words', right...

 

I'd really appreciate your insight.

[TaraMaiden]

If it's your choice to go over to see him, pay your own ticket.

 

If he has suggested you go over, and has invited you, then I could see your point - but you already said in your opening statement that his financial situation is already stretched....

If money seems so important, then stay friends, but find someone closer to home to date, so that travel is no issue.

 

How much do you really WANT to go see him?

And depending on that, if his earnings are low - how far do you see this relationship going, anyway?

[spareohs]

Every situation is different and every relationship will be different. Some couples can easily swing several hundred dollar plane tickets, while it will be a huge ordeal for others. In my case, I'm dating a musician - if that tells you anything about his financial situation - Lol. It's much easier for me to just shell out the cash for the ticket and the hotel room, when I go see him. When I'm there he pays for food, drinks, etc, but I don't let him put himself in a bind, financially. He gets upset when I surprise him with gifts because he just can't reciprocate on an equal level, but if I know his MacBook is broken, and I have the means to fix it, why shouldn't I? He's doing more than enough to show that he's trying to make our relationship work, so money is more of a secondary issue. Still, I get wanting to feel like an effort is being made for you, and maybe you should have him plan things you can do together there if he can't foot the bill. He should be able to help with something, even if it's not monetary. I don't know if Groupon is available where he is, but checking those sites can give you fun and inexpensive things to do together!

[justwhoiam]

My friend said, my friend thinks, my friend... Your friend is quite ignorant, to say the least. If the guy you're visiting makes $200 a month, what can you expect? I'm not sure where he's at, but you can look up GDP per capita on the CIA Factbook. Here are some examples:

 

India $308 per month

China $958 per month

Thailand $792 per month

Pakistan $208 per month

 

See if he can afford to visit you in that neighbouring country. Also, don't think you can freely tour Asia as if you were touring Europe. You might need special visas, etc. He might not be allowed to leave the country either. So you'd better get info in advance and see what's needed.

[blugirl]

How much do you really WANT to go see him?

And depending on that, if his earnings are low - how far do you see this relationship going, anyway?

I want to see him badly.... and about the earnings, I would expect him to move to another country with me and change jobs but we haven't discussed it in detail yet... cause I also deem such discussion pointless for now, since we don't know if we click IRL yet so... yeah.

 

Every situation is different and every relationship will be different. Some couples can easily swing several hundred dollar plane tickets, while it will be a huge ordeal for others. In my case, I'm dating a musician - if that tells you anything about his financial situation - Lol. It's much easier for me to just shell out the cash for the ticket and the hotel room, when I go see him. When I'm there he pays for food, drinks, etc, but I don't let him put himself in a bind, financially. He gets upset when I surprise him with gifts because he just can't reciprocate on an equal level, but if I know his MacBook is broken, and I have the means to fix it, why shouldn't I? He's doing more than enough to show that he's trying to make our relationship work, so money is more of a secondary issue. Still, I get wanting to feel like an effort is being made for you, and maybe you should have him plan things you can do together there if he can't foot the bill. He should be able to help with something, even if it's not monetary. I don't know if Groupon is available where he is, but checking those sites can give you fun and inexpensive things to do together!

Thank you so much for your comment ^^! It helped me to look at the situation in a different way, really I have heard so many times that money issue can be a deal braker even among the most loving couples but your example shows it doesn't have to be like that, very heart-warming and uplifting

I am strongly independent kind of person so I really don't want him to pay for anything, just that all that talking from the people close to me made me feel confused and wonder about the whole issue, and mind you, it has never bothered me before!

I wouldn't even like him paying for my food, drinks or whatever when I'm there, it just wouldn't feel right to me cause if it doesn't work out then I wouldn't like to be left with the feeling that I owe him something, I hate it.

 

My friend said, my friend thinks, my friend... Your friend is quite ignorant, to say the least. If the guy you're visiting makes $200 a month, what can you expect? I'm not sure where he's at, but you can look up GDP per capita on the CIA Factbook. Here are some examples: India $308 per month

China $958 per month

Thailand $792 per month

Pakistan $208 per month

 

See if he can afford to visit you in that neighbouring country. Also, don't think you can freely tour Asia as if you were touring Europe. You might need special visas, etc. He might not be allowed to leave the country either. So you'd better get info in advance and see what's needed.

Yeah, he told me how much does he earn so I know.

And I know that I need visas to, like, half of the Asian countries but it doesn't bother me cause I can afford. I know he needs a visa to the neighbouring country, he needs visas almost everywhere....

Edited August 16, 2012 by blugirl

[TaraMaiden]

I want to see him badly.... and about the earnings, I would expect him to move to another country with me and change jobs but we haven't discussed it in detail yet... cause I also deem such discussion pointless for now, since we don't know if we click IRL yet so... yeah.

Hang on a moment....

 

He seems to be a main breadwinner for his family....

 

you've never met, let alone 'clicked', but you're already saying you 'would expect him to move to another country with you, and change jobs'....

 

What makes you think he would be prepared to up sticks for you and willingly leave his family impoverished, simply because of what you'd expect....?

 

Don't you think you're being wholly premature and jumping the gun?

 

Are you kidding me....?

[soccerrprp]

This all sounds YUCKY to me! I wouldn't do it...the first thing that came to mind was, hmmm, another example of a foreigner convincing that he's the man of the girl's life, does all the right things, says all the right things, gets married and then eventually dumps the girl after obtaining legal citizenship from whence the unsuspecting girl is from...I know some women who have gone through this very thing.

 

What country are you from?

[blugirl]

Hang on a moment....

 

He seems to be a main breadwinner for his family....

 

you've never met, let alone 'clicked', but you're already saying you 'would expect him to move to another country with you, and change jobs'....

 

What makes you think he would be prepared to up sticks for you and willingly leave his family impoverished, simply because of what you'd expect....?

 

Don't you think you're being wholly premature and jumping the gun?

 

Are you kidding me....?

Wait, you're mistaken: his brother also works, his parents are retired so they are getting their pension, too - it's just that as the oldest child in Chinese tradition he is sort of obliged to pay for everyone's bills, pay all the bills altogether and buy for his brother whatever thing he demands from him.... and his brother is a spoiled brat. I can't understand it but I hope it ends once he moves out. He wants to move out very much and started looking for some small apartments to rent already.

 

This all sounds YUCKY to me! I wouldn't do it...the first thing that came to mind was, hmmm, another example of a foreigner convincing that he's the man of the girl's life, does all the right things, says all the right things, gets married and then eventually dumps the girl after obtaining legal citizenship from whence the unsuspecting girl is from...I know some women who have gone through this very thing.

 

What country are you from?

Please don't add to my confusion and don't make me feel depressed cause I have enough problems to be additionally wondering whether he's another foreigner cheater case... I feel it's unfair to regard him as 'citizenship stealer' just because he's from a poor country and I'm not. I'm from Central European country.

But of course I am careful and I watch out for any hints or his slips of the tongue which could raise a red flag for me in this matter. So don't worry.

And I really feel for those women....

[justwhoiam]

Blugirl, what about carrying out a small research on your own about him & his family? The embassy in your country should be able to give you information about citizens and companies in China. I'm sure they would assist you.

I know in my country the embassy suggests to always check companies in China through them, before getting into business with them, as there are many scams around.

 

Also, if you're staying in Asia for quite some time, you could go to his place, visit his family, see where he works (not inside, because I don't think you'd be allowed) and then he could visit you. If he can come to the neighbouring country, he'll be the one visiting first.

 

And you'll be fine.

[blugirl]

Blugirl, what about carrying out a small research on your own about him & his family? The embassy in your country should be able to give you information about citizens and companies in China. I'm sure they would assist you.

I know in my country the embassy suggests to always check companies in China through them, before getting into business with them, as there are many scams around.

 

Also, if you're staying in Asia for quite some time, you could go to his place, visit his family, see where he works (not inside, because I don't think you'd be allowed) and then he could visit you. If he can come to the neighbouring country, he'll be the one visiting first.

 

And you'll be fine.

He's Chinese but he doesn't live in China.

Anyway, what kind of information could I ask for? Seems like spying, lol. I have seen lots of pictures of his immediate family, his cousins, he showed me those. He always shows me the pictures from the office parties/gatherings, his friends, his workplace even as well and I know exactly where he works, I know the name of his company, I've already checked it on the internet long time ago. I know the story of his family. So it looks like I have nothing to be suspicious of.

 

But the rest of what you said is exactly what I think it will look like, maybe apart from visiting his family, I'd prefer to avoid it for as long as possible.

[soccerrprp]

Please don't add to my confusion and don't make me feel depressed cause I have enough problems to be additionally wondering whether he's another foreigner cheater case... I feel it's unfair to regard him as 'citizenship stealer' just because he's from a poor country and I'm not. I'm from Central European country.

But of course I am careful and I watch out for any hints or his slips of the tongue which could raise a red flag for me in this matter. So don't worry.

And I really feel for those women....

 

Okay, but it was what I thought. I, of course, cannot make the decision for you, but just wanted to make you more ALERT of the possibility and be careful. It may be unfair, but, then again, better to be on the side of caution than not.

 

Don't mean to add to your depression, but wouldn't really be showing that I care if I didn't include some of the possible bad stuff. Hope it works out!

[justwhoiam]

He's Chinese but he doesn't live in China.

If he's a Chinese citizen, you should ask at the Chinese embassy in your country.

 

Anyway, what kind of information could I ask for? Seems like spying, lol.

Well, you could double check if he gave you correct information. Name, last name, home address, family members living with him. I guess you can have such information from their databases.

 

I have seen lots of pictures of his immediate family, his cousins, he showed me those.

That means nothing in itself (scams always send pictures, and in business they rent offices that disappear the next day..). I hope you saw him on cam too. So you could make sure he's the one in the pictures.

 

I know the name of his company, I've already checked it on the internet long time ago.

Unless you write to the email address with domain name of the company or you call his work landline and ext., you can't know for sure. And you can't check, unless his picture is on their website...

 

Do you have his home landline #? You can check that too I guess.

 

I guess it's just normal that you want to check and make sure about him. If all he said is true, you'll be happy twice.

[FitChick]

If you want to go to the neighboring country to teach anyway, just go. He can visit you there. If it doesn't work out you will still have a job and get a chance to meet someone else.

 

I only date men in the UK and have them either fly to visit me first, to prove they are really interested in me, or pay for my ticket to visit them. I leave it on a case by case basis in terms of followup visits. I may pay for alternate trips or they may give me their frequent flyer miles or pay my ticket or visit me.

[carhill]

The person who wants to travel pays, IMO.

[HeavenOrHell]

No point in comparing your situation to that of your friend's, and anyway her bf is clearly better able to pay for his ticket.

 

I've no idea why his friend said it should be the man who visits and make an effort, it takes TWO to make an effort, and if you really care about each other then in my book whoever is more able to pay helps the other with their ticket.

 

If this was about him not making any effort to see you then fair enough, but he is saying he can't afford it, so either you take him at his word and help him pay, or you don't believe him and call it a day, because why be with someone you don't believe, trust or think is making an effort.

 

 

 

 

Heya all,

 

quick recap of the situation: we haven't met yet, he's living in a 3rd world country, claims he has no chance of saving up enough to come and see me first (his salary is horribly low plus he pays for his family bills, Asian thing) so I've decided to kill 2 birds with one stone and make my dream of going to Asia to teach English come true plus to meet him at the same time (I'd be teaching in a neighbouring country though, popping in to his city for a few days for a stop over). I'm still saving up though.

 

However, recently I've been feeling irritated a bit at the whole situation (I guess I'm getting impatient) because one of my closest friends is also in a LDR but her bf is from America so he could easily afford a flight here after just 4 months they met online and he's visited her first. So she claims that a man should be the one to visit and make an effort, otherwise I'll seem not worth to hold onto for him. She also claims if he can't afford the whole stay here and all the expenses connected with it, he should at least save up enough for my flight ticket there or at the very least he should pay 50% of the amount of it.

And that got me thinking.

 

What do you think guys, who is right here? Should he really pay at least half the amount for my ticket? He claims if he was earning more, he'd come see me a long time ago, but 'actions speak louder than words', right...

 

I'd really appreciate your insight.

[Aquamelon]

The first trip my boyfriend came to see me and he payed for the trip, I pitched in and helped him with a few bucks. He didn't ask. I simply offered. The 2nd trip I visited him, I paid for my own trip. He didn't offer anything and I didn't ask. Same thing for our 3rd trip. Our 4th he is paying fully for his, I'm helping him by letting him put 1/2 the cost on my credit card. I love and trust him so I know he'll pay it back. He makes about $600+ less than I do on a month to month basis. We have a mutual understanding of our financial situations and make the best of what we have. And that's what it should always be like, making the best of what you have with who you have it. Don't compare it to anything else, it'll drive you crazy.

[FitChick]

It's ridiculous to expect someone from a third world country to pay for your flight.

You and your friend should join us in 2012, expecting the man to pay simply by virtue of him being male, how preposterous.

.

And if the woman were the one in the third world country...?

[pettie]

I just don't understand women to expect the other person to pay only because he is the man. One thing is wanting to be able to pay (or at least seem able to), another is to be expected to, as if it were an obligation.

 

I think it should be balanced according to the specific situation of both parts, regardless of the gender. OP's situation seems to be legit.

 

Doing a background research (as in digging about personal details) with the Chinese embassy seems to be a little disproportionated! I don't even know if that's possible (or legal!). Doing a little research about the company seems to be more plausible. It's okay to be careful and play it on the safe side, though (but just don't be paranoic!).

 

For example, given that you haven't met this person yet, "being on the safe-side" would be, as other posters suggested, that you go to your original destination and he comes to see you there, it would be cheaper for him, presumably.

 

Else, if you want to go see him, you pay for it, if he invites you over, he pays for it, or maybe you just share the cost of it so both of you spend almost the same. Easy and practical as that. Discussing finances with a LD partner might be unromantic, but it's crucial.

[Greznog]

And if the woman were the one in the third world country...?

 

Same thing, obviously. Though I don't believe a man would think of something this ridiculous.

[HeavenOrHell]

I meant; no idea why *your* friend, not *his* friend!

 

 

 

No point in comparing your situation to that of your friend's, and anyway her bf is clearly better able to pay for his ticket.

 

I've no idea why his friend said it should be the man who visits and make an effort, it takes TWO to make an effort, and if you really care about each other then in my book whoever is more able to pay helps the other with their ticket.

 

If this was about him not making any effort to see you then fair enough, but he is saying he can't afford it, so either you take him at his word and help him pay, or you don't believe him and call it a day, because why be with someone you don't believe, trust or think is making an effort.

[justwhoiam]

Discussing finances with a LD partner might be unromantic, but it's crucial.

I don't mind discussing finances in general, but I don't like arguing over money. Not for me. BF & GF should never argue about money. I knew couples who did and their relationships didn't end well.

[HeavenOrHell]

No need to argue, just discuss

 

 

I don't mind discussing finances in general, but I don't like arguing over money. Not for me. BF & GF should never argue about money. I knew couples who did and their relationships didn't end well.

[cheerylowe24]

Where you from and your guy?

[blugirl]

If he's a Chinese citizen, you should ask at the Chinese embassy in your country.

 

Well, you could double check if he gave you correct information. Name, last name, home address, family members living with him. I guess you can have such information from their databases.

 

That means nothing in itself (scams always send pictures, and in business they rent offices that disappear the next day..). I hope you saw him on cam too. So you could make sure he's the one in the pictures.

 

Unless you write to the email address with domain name of the company or you call his work landline and ext., you can't know for sure. And you can't check, unless his picture is on their website...

 

Do you have his home landline #? You can check that too I guess.

 

I guess it's just normal that you want to check and make sure about him. If all he said is true, you'll be happy twice.

He is Chinese-Japanese but was born in the Philippines so he isn't of Chinese nationality, sorry for the confusion

Yeah, we're both on cam pretty often! Sometimes the members of his family would accidentally wander into the webcam view in the room in the background so I know he's not lying about his family, haha~

They don't have a landline, they all have mobiles.

But I've taken notice of what you said and it's definitely helpful, thanks

 

If you want to go to the neighboring country to teach anyway, just go. He can visit you there. If it doesn't work out you will still have a job and get a chance to meet someone else.

 

I only date men in the UK and have them either fly to visit me first, to prove they are really interested in me, or pay for my ticket to visit them. I leave it on a case by case basis in terms of followup visits. I may pay for alternate trips or they may give me their frequent flyer miles or pay my ticket or visit me.

That's exactly how I'm planning it. If something doesn't work, I'll be just teaching in the neighbouring country and having the time of my life...

 

 

It's ridiculous to expect someone from a third world country to pay for your flight.

 

You and your friend should join us in 2012, expecting the man to pay simply by virtue of him being male, how preposterous.

 

The only way I'd let someone I was with get away with that attitude would be if she behaved like a 1950's housewife.

I think so too! But my friend is kinda very traditional has a bit of a 1950's housewife attitude to those things, that's why she said such a thing to me. I shouldn't let her opinion mess with my mind and my own view, which is different from hers.

 

No point in comparing your situation to that of your friend's, and anyway her bf is clearly better able to pay for his ticket.

 

I've no idea why his friend said it should be the man who visits and make an effort, it takes TWO to make an effort, and if you really care about each other then in my book whoever is more able to pay helps the other with their ticket.

 

If this was about him not making any effort to see you then fair enough, but he is saying he can't afford it, so either you take him at his word and help him pay, or you don't believe him and call it a day, because why be with someone you don't believe, trust or think is making an effort.

I agree with you that it takes 2 to make an effor and I trust him so I'll just go there for a short (maybe 2 or 3 day? my idea) stop-over and then he said he wants to come visit me soon after that

 

The first trip my boyfriend came to see me and he payed for the trip, I pitched in and helped him with a few bucks. He didn't ask. I simply offered. The 2nd trip I visited him, I paid for my own trip. He didn't offer anything and I didn't ask. Same thing for our 3rd trip. Our 4th he is paying fully for his, I'm helping him by letting him put 1/2 the cost on my credit card. I love and trust him so I know he'll pay it back. He makes about $600+ less than I do on a month to month basis. We have a mutual understanding of our financial situations and make the best of what we have. And that's what it should always be like, making the best of what you have with who you have it. Don't compare it to anything else, it'll drive you crazy.

Thank you for your thoughts, you're very helpful!~ ^^

 

I just don't understand women to expect the other person to pay only because he is the man. One thing is wanting to be able to pay (or at least seem able to), another is to be expected to, as if it were an obligation.

 

I think it should be balanced according to the specific situation of both parts, regardless of the gender. OP's situation seems to be legit.

 

Doing a background research (as in digging about personal details) with the Chinese embassy seems to be a little disproportionated! I don't even know if that's possible (or legal!). Doing a little research about the company seems to be more plausible. It's okay to be careful and play it on the safe side, though (but just don't be paranoic!).

 

For example, given that you haven't met this person yet, "being on the safe-side" would be, as other posters suggested, that you go to your original destination and he comes to see you there, it would be cheaper for him, presumably.

 

Else, if you want to go see him, you pay for it, if he invites you over, he pays for it, or maybe you just share the cost of it so both of you spend almost the same. Easy and practical as that. Discussing finances with a LD partner might be unromantic, but it's crucial.

That's another good idea, thank you!

 

Where you from and your guy?

I'm from Poland and he's a Chinese from the Philippines.

[UpwardForward]

Whatever happened to the Knight in Shining Armor stuff?

 

If he has no money and you are curious, use the money as an investment and go over there to check out the real him, and get it over with. Using your own money will cause you to take a long hard Look!

 

But be prepared: If he doesn't wish to move with you and you wish to continue the R - you're doomed to a future of Paying to go over there and service him - or whatever.