Learnt my Ex OM is ill, I'm gutted

[woinlove]

I hate to bring this up but just reading your last two posts - Is it possible that he's enjoying relaying these small tidbits about his illness? To send you one liners and keep you up to date..Yet there is no real/true friendship, it's just so YOU know what is going on with him, on his terms..Doesn't that sit weird with you? I'm not sure how to word it (sorry, just woke up from a surprise doze-off which turned into a 2 1/2 sleep! , so my mind isn't fully awake yet) This is one sided and there's not much you can do for him. he has tons of support between his wife, his family, siblings.. No offense to you but it is odd that he would do this on the downlow. You know him, we don't, but on some level is it a little game to him? HIm knowing that you love him and are worrying about him (would've been better for you NOT to know since you two aren't friends and you've been in NC mode for so long) is a bit of an ego stroke..

 

Even more so, hate to bring this up but is it possible he's lying to you? I only say this because there was another OW on here a long time ago who's MM LIED to her and disappeared, she heard he had 'died'. But none of that was true.. (imstunned is her username, if you want to do a site search on her name, her situation/story will come up).

 

i hope you're not offended by me bringing this up. I am concerned about how attached/worried you are going to get as time goes on, especially if you text him and it takes him ages to get back to you..It keeps YOU hanging. Make sense?

 

Dog Woman, I think wwiu brings up some valid concerns and questions. You know best, but please protect your heart.

[UpwardForward]

Are you peripherally in his life? Would it be odd for you in whatever way you know him to send a card? You had said he had mentioned to his wife that you might be a good choice to help with the dogs. Was there a dday or any suspicion? Because otherwise, you could send a card that said something as simple as "It was nice to bump into you at the park recently. If there is anything you need please feel free to let me know!"

 

OP; To elaborate on my orig post.

 

With the MM confronting you w news of his potentially grave illness, I thought it was more humane to answer his communications and this nicety would leave you guiltless, in the end.

 

However, I see no reason to solicit and open any doors by sending communications/cards and that.

[Dog Woman]

Thank you to all who have raised valid points. My priority is to protect myself and my heart. It has crossed my mind that the illness is not genuine and that he may be playing games so I am being careful and cautious about what he is telling me and how I am reacting to any communication from him. I have had experience of an ex-boyfriend years ago when I was single who lied about his 'illness' and I learnt a hard lesson from that.

 

As things stand with ex-OM, I'm best keeping my distance, and letting him and his wife deal with things. It wouldn't be appropriate for me to offer any practical help to either of them at this time. Ex-OM knows I am leaving the communication channel open if he wants to get in touch. He also knows I'm thinking of both him and his wife and knows I wish him a success outcome from any hospital treatment.

 

He's been in touch this morning and told me about his plans for the day which involves his dogs and he's going to show one of his dogs tomorrow, which is good. He's a strong willed, determined person and I know if he has been faced with cancer, his character and personality will see him through any challenges.

[woinlove]

Thank you to all who have raised valid points. My priority is to protect myself and my heart. It has crossed my mind that the illness is not genuine and that he may be playing games so I am being careful and cautious about what he is telling me and how I am reacting to any communication from him. I have had experience of an ex-boyfriend years ago when I was single who lied about his 'illness' and I learnt a hard lesson from that.

 

As things stand with ex-OM, I'm best keeping my distance, and letting him and his wife deal with things. It wouldn't be appropriate for me to offer any practical help to either of them at this time. Ex-OM knows I am leaving the communication channel open if he wants to get in touch. He also knows I'm thinking of both him and his wife and knows I wish him a success outcome from any hospital treatment.

 

He's been in touch this morning and told me about his plans for the day which involves his dogs and he's going to show one of his dogs tomorrow, which is good. He's a strong willed, determined person and I know if he has been faced with cancer, his character and personality will see him through any challenges.

 

Thanks for the update. That's good to hear, that you are being cautious about the bits of information, keeping your distance, but he knows you are thinking of both him and his wife and wishing him success. Keep protecting yourself, as you know all the past emotions and attachments.

[Dog Woman]

Thanks for the update. That's good to hear, that you are being cautious about the bits of information, keeping your distance, but he knows you are thinking of both him and his wife and wishing him success. Keep protecting yourself, as you know all the past emotions and attachments.

 

I feel better having now got things straight in my head. This forum is brilliant for that. I've put another protection tool in place. I've got an old pay as you go mobile phone that I don't use that has been sitting in a drawer but still has a little credit on. I've given ex OM that number. In case he is playing ego games by sending texts with one liners, the phone will stay in the drawer but I will check it from time to time so he has been forewarned that there may be a delay in me responding to any texts he sends.

[woinlove]

I feel better having now got things straight in my head. This forum is brilliant for that. I've put another protection tool in place. I've got an old pay as you go mobile phone that I don't use that has been sitting in a drawer but still has a little credit on. I've given ex OM that number. In case he is playing ego games by sending texts with one liners, the phone will stay in the drawer but I will check it from time to time so he has been forewarned that there may be a delay in me responding to any texts he sends.

 

It sounds like you are doing a great job of balancing being graceful if exOM is quite ill, with protecting yourself against possible games. I recall some games from your past thread and some things you describe here remind me of those, so I am relieved to know that you are being so cautious. You are strong to feel you don't need to know more about the actual situation, given you are not that far from the end of the A. I applaud you on your strength. The situation is whatever it is and if he is very ill, he knows you care and he has family around him for daily support.

[Dog Woman]

That's all some of us were trying to do. Not question your story but as we had experienced the ins and outs of cancer and insurance, to make you aware that something was off with the things he was saying. Cancer is a bytch and fighting it for survival should force one to eliminate all other none essential battles, which looking for a job would do. As was previously stated getting things straight in your head can only serve as another protective level.

 

I am doubting some of the things he has said to me to be honest. There are certain things are not adding up so I have responded accordingly without challenging him but almost letting him know I don't believe what he is saying. The fact that he hasn't expanded on his job situation, does make me doubt him. But if he is genuinely ill then I have also got to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

One of the things that used to annoy me about him during our affair was a lot of things were one-sided. I challenged him about contacting me to have a moan but not allowing me to do the same and I recall him saying it was one thing that used to annoy his wife. I believe he has health issues but I am doubting the seriousness of them and if he is playing games to gain sympathy or to boost his ego, he's picked on the wrong person. I am an expert in fending off those kind of tricks - my estranged husband used to try the sympathy vote all the time and most of the time he wasn't as ill as he was claiming and exaggerated things to menipulate me.

 

I am going to sign off for a while. Thank you everyone for your input, it has helped me a great deal.

 

I've got a girlfriend coming over shortly and I'm going to enjoy a catch up and a coffee with her.

Edited August 18, 2012 by Dog Woman

[Dog Woman]

This week is beginning as a better week for me with regards to ex OM. I decided to put a stop to any ego games he may be playing and have set some boundaries and terms for any communication he has with me in the future. I texted him with a short, humourous sh*t sandwich - the tone of and style of which he'll relate to. The my old phone will stay in the drawer and I will check it casually a few times a week and I'll respond accordingly to any messages he sends. I'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt about his health and for that reason don't want to ignore any significant texts he may send.

Edited August 20, 2012 by Dog Woman

[jwi71]

DW,

 

Why do you persist in a R in which you must 1) set up barriers to protect yourself (the phone in your drawer)and 2) play detective with all he says and does?

 

It's immaterial if he has cancer - and that appears to be, shall we suspect. Or maybe it's better to say

 

What kind of R is this in which one doubts another has cancer?

 

There is NOTHING good or healthy about any of this. On any level.

 

So why?

 

Do you enjoy this push and pull?

 

Is your life so dull w/o him that this drama adds to it?

 

What's your goal here ( on LS and IRL w/ regards to him).

[Dog Woman]

DW,

 

Why do you persist in a R in which you must 1) set up barriers to protect yourself (the phone in your drawer)and 2) play detective with all he says and does?

 

It's immaterial if he has cancer - and that appears to be, shall we suspect. Or maybe it's better to say

 

What kind of R is this in which one doubts another has cancer?

 

There is NOTHING good or healthy about any of this. On any level.

 

So why?

 

Do you enjoy this push and pull?

 

Is your life so dull w/o him that this drama adds to it?

 

What's your goal here ( on LS and IRL w/ regards to him).

 

I am not getting any enjoyment out of this at all. I posted on here so I could straighten things in my head and decide what to do following ex-OM’s news that he has an illness (his words – he hasn’t given the illness a name but he has intimated he has cancer).

 

Our relationship is/has been a weird one and some of the things he has said and done do not make any sense at times.

 

I have decided to distance myself from him but in view of the fact he has told me of his illness, which I can’t ignore, I have left things so that he can contact me re his illness but I am also letting him know that any ego games he is playing have got to stop if he still wants to keep in touch with me. I have left the ball in his court and but am protecting myself emotionally.

Edited August 21, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[TaraMaiden]

sorry, but you're not.

Your ex- is your ex.

in all ways, manner and means.

 

One of my ex-bf's was confined to a wheelchair for a long period of time - he was freshly my ex. He contacted me for support and sympathy.

I gave him that - in one single shot.

After that, I never spoke to him again.

Not my issue.

Never was, never should have been.

Edited August 21, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civility and respect

[woinlove]

I don't think there is one formula for interactions with an ex. While I understand TaraM's "not my problem", I have maintained a somewhat supportive, caring R with an ex for a while after, and it felt like the right thing to do. Ultimately, it probably delayed him moving on, so maybe it wasn't.

 

However (as I just discussed down in GenRel on ending an A and NC) when I ended things with MM, still married to his W, I wanted to go cold turkey because every contact would still be in secret from his W and that really is continuing the A, is it not? At least, that is how I felt.

 

Dog Woman, while when I ended the A, I wanted it to really end, I understand others may want a softer, lingering ending, as I have also done. Ultimately, I am not sure it is a good idea (whether the man is single or married) but in some cases it probably works fine (likely less so if he is married).

 

All I would say, Dog Woman, is I think it would be completely compassionate under the circumstances to simply wish MM well, say you know he has family to support him, and you feel NC is best. Personally, I think that would be best. However, I understand that you feel you want to (or should?, not sure which) be there in case he is really sick. If it is should, I'd reassure you that you do not need to feel that way.

[Dog Woman]

I don't think there is one formula for interactions with an ex. While I understand TaraM's "not my problem", I have maintained a somewhat supportive, caring R with an ex for a while after, and it felt like the right thing to do. Ultimately, it probably delayed him moving on, so maybe it wasn't.

 

However (as I just discussed down in GenRel on ending an A and NC) when I ended things with MM, still married to his W, I wanted to go cold turkey because every contact would still be in secret from his W and that really is continuing the A, is it not? At least, that is how I felt.

 

Dog Woman, while when I ended the A, I wanted it to really end, I understand others may want a softer, lingering ending, as I have also done. Ultimately, I am not sure it is a good idea (whether the man is single or married) but in some cases it probably works fine (likely less so if he is married).

 

All I would say, Dog Woman, is I think it would be completely compassionate under the circumstances to simply wish MM well, say you know he has family to support him, and you feel NC is best. Personally, I think that would be best. However, I understand that you feel you want to (or should?, not sure which) be there in case he is really sick. If it is should, I'd reassure you that you do not need to feel that way.

 

Thanks, I feel I want to be there in case he has been diagnosed with cancer and is about to undertake some unpleasant treatment. I'm a very caring, compassionate person and this is something I want to do. I'm going to leave the door open for him to contact me but I'm not going to contact him for updates. I more or less decided at the weekend that the affair will tailor off now and don't feel it necessary to say to him that we have reached DDay.

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks, I feel I want to be there in case he has been diagnosed with cancer and is about to undertake some unpleasant treatment.

And what do you think you could constructively do?

Visiy him in hospital?

Take him some grapes and flowers?

metraphorically 'mop his brow' and hold his hand?

You cannot contemplate being there in case he has been diagnosed with cancer and is about to undertake some unpleasant treatment.

That's what his wife and family are for.

If his wife were to find out, do you think she'd let you near him with a bargepole??

 

I'm a very caring, compassionate person and this is something I want to do.

 

It's not your call.

You don't have any rights to do this, because frankly, compassionate, kind and caring as you doubtless are - It's OVER.

It really doesn't matter what YOU want to do. The opportunity will not be given to you...

He won't be able to ok it, if he's in hospital - and what if you run into his wife and family?

It's at best, risky, and at worst, foolhardy.

 

 

I'm going to leave the door open for him to contact me but I'm not going to contact him for updates. I more or less decided at the weekend that the affair will tailor off now and don't feel it necessary

to say to him that we have reached DDay.

think very carefully about what he might ask you to do, and what you most wish to do....

it's critical - for your own peace of mind, and personal emotional healing, that the best thing would be to keep this all at arm's length...

 

i don't know if it's been asked, but -

 

What would happen if the boot was on the other foot, and it was you who was ill?

How much of his family life would he willingly compromise to do this for you?

[Dog Woman]

And what do you think you could constructively do?

Visiy him in hospital?

Take him some grapes and flowers?

metraphorically 'mop his brow' and hold his hand?

You cannot contemplate being there in case he has been diagnosed with cancer and is about to undertake some unpleasant treatment.

That's what his wife and family are for.

If his wife were to find out, do you think she'd let you near him with a bargepole??

 

 

 

It's not your call.

You don't have any rights to do this, because frankly, compassionate, kind and caring as you doubtless are - It's OVER.

It really doesn't matter what YOU want to do. The opportunity will not be given to you...

He won't be able to ok it, if he's in hospital - and what if you run into his wife and family?

It's at best, risky, and at worst, foolhardy.

 

 

 

think very carefully about what he might ask you to do, and what you most wish to do....

it's critical - for your own peace of mind, and personal emotional healing, that the best thing would be to keep this all at arm's length...

 

i don't know if it's been asked, but -

 

What would happen if the boot was on the other foot, and it was you who was ill?

How much of his family life would he willingly compromise to do this for you?

 

I know my affair is over, especially in light of his illness. I haven't the heart to tell him its over if he has cancer. He will have enough emotionally on his plate and I'll be the last thing on his mind anyway. Things will just come to a natural end of their own accord. He has my mobile if he wants to text and update me. I have already told him that I'll be thinking of him and his wife and I have wished him well and a successful outcome. I am not going getting involved in any other way and are going to keep my distance while I put the affair behind me once and for all.

Edited August 21, 2012 by Dog Woman

[Dog Woman]

It doesn't sound like anything is over for you.

Despite your protestations, your actions indicate you're looking to be this MM's "rock."

 

 

 

You were NC for seven weeks. There really is no "it" then.

 

 

 

You were NC for seven weeks. What would be coming to a natural end if you were previously NC? You seem to want to hang on to this man.

 

You previously stated you live 50 miles away from each other - pretty far away to be "bumping" into someone walking dogs. So it begs the question: Did you "bump" into him intentionally?

 

I am not trying to hang on, I'm trying to let go. He's news shook me. The thought he has cancer is awful. Even when I have gone NC in the past, he's the one that didn't want to stop the contact. He hasn't been in touch for a couple of days now and I'm relieved of that. I don't want to play the game anymore. If anything does happen to him, we have mutual contacts and no doubt I'll eventually learn of the outcome of his treatment through one of them.

 

I often take my dogs away from home in the van to quiet remote places so they can have a good run. When I saw him he just happened to be in the same place walking his dogs. Our county is vast, rural and in places remote. I try and go on walks that are quiet. Of all the people I could have seen on that walk, it had to be him. I wasnt expecting to see him, I know where he usually walks he dogs and have been avoiding those places.

[Dog Woman]

Thank you Lady Grey and Alice. I'm going to walk away from him and get on with things. Im going to block his number.

 

Alice - I went on that walk with my dogs hoping for some peace and quiet. Please believe me on that one. He either goes to the valleys or on his doorstep on the coast, I went up into the hills. It is usually the odd hill walker I come across.

[nofool4u]

'm posting on here because I can't discuss or offload this to anyone else.

 

It’s been 7 weeks of no contact with my ex-OM and I have been okay until last weekend. I bumped into him on a walk with the dog at a place I wasn’t expecting to see him. He eventually told me he has some not so good news – he has been diagnosed with an enlarged lymph node and is being fast tracked to hospital. I know he was having lots of problems with his back and shoulder whilst I was seeing him and originally the doctors thought he had trapped a nerve in his shoulder. There has been no improvement so they have investigated further and scans have revealed an enlarged lymph node. Since the weekend, I have been asking myself, do I want to resume contact with him again, just purely as a friend. If the lump does turn out to be sinister then he’s not going to have time for anything else and he has indicated he’s got to put his health first. Yesterday, he talked and I mainly listened – he was worried about what may lie ahead for him – his job, finances etc. One of the reasons my marriage failed was because of my husband’s illness and I am also asking myself do I really want to go down that road again and get involved with someone who might be seriously ill.

 

I have left the communication channel open if he wants to get in touch if he wants someone to talk to but have made it clear I expect nothing else from him and I’m not offering anything else other than a friendly ear should he need it but I am starting to regret the offer of a sympathetic ear. If I know him, he'll deal with things himself and probably won't bother me. Part of me is hoping he doesn't take me up on my offer but part of me wants to know if he is going to be okay or not.

 

He texted me on Monday to say he had been summoned by his doctor to attend the doctors surgery immediately. I'm absolutely gutted for him that he's having to deal with what could be a potentially serious and life threatening illness if they diagnose cancer.

 

Have you discussed with your husband that you want to be there for the OM?

 

Are you supposed to be working on your marriage? If so, do you think its wise to be there for xOM?

[Dog Woman]

Have you discussed with your husband that you want to be there for the OM?

 

Are you supposed to be working on your marriage? If so, do you think its wise to be there for xOM?

 

My husband and I are separated and there is no chance of a reconciliation and we are sorting out division of assets etc. Everything is amicable but he has been in hospital himself and is struggling with his health. For that reason I haven't mentioned XOM current health situation (whatever that is) and also I really don't know the nature of XOM's illness. He has only intimated it is cancer. I think it would be best for me to just keep my distance from Ex-OM. If he texts about his health then Ill respond appropriately but I will let him text me rather than the other way around. I'm not going to lose any sleep over him though.

Edited August 22, 2012 by Dog Woman

[Dog Woman]

Since my last posting on this thread, my ex OM has been in touch a couple of times. He told me he's not well at all, has been signed off work and has been undergoing a CT scan. He sounded quite down. He's got more hospital appointments to attend over the next few weeks. I believe now his illness is genuine.

 

There's nothing I can do for him accept pray and hope for him. I'm going to keep my distance and when he has been in touch I have just been responding with words of encouragement to keep him going and telling him I hope everything turns out okay for him.

[Radu]

The fact that you still feel bad for him is sign enogh that you are not over him.

By keeping in contact, and keeping him in your thoughts you are sabotaging your marriage.

By praying to God that he is ok, you are in effect praying that the object of your desire and one of the reasons you strayed from your marriage, is well.

 

Don't you think that's a conflict of interestes between your marriage and this guy ?

 

Here's another way to look at it, could it be that God decided to punish him for what he did ?

[hermione08]

Or could it be that God does not exist and the poor man is just unlucky?

It's pretty normal to feel bad about anybody, even a stranger's having cancer, even more so if it's a person we once loved.

Dear Dog Woman, you are doing what you can, just being friendly and compassionate. Hope you'll feel better soon. Hugs.

[beenburned]

DW,

 

Why are you and your H divorcing? Does it have anything to do with your affair?

[Dog Woman]

DW,

 

Why are you and your H divorcing? Does it have anything to do with your affair?

 

My divorce is nothing to with the affair. My ex husband and I have had issues for years, which we have tried and failed to resolve, and in the end decided it would be best if we parted and ended the marriage.

[Owl]

I've just very quickly skimmed through this...but I've got a question.

 

If you and your H are truly seperated and in the process of divorce, no possibility whatsoever of reconciliation...

 

...then why is it that you don't/can't remain in contact with xOM?

 

Unless he's married, it doesn't seem like there's a barrier preventing interaction anymore.

 

Or have I missed something I should have read?