Question for you all: Why don't men chase women anymore?

[mortensorchid]

I was having a chat with someone not too long ago, I made mention of a former friend of mine who was one of the most relentless chasers I had ever met. She ended up moving twice within six months for guys, one was a former bf who she was convinced would come back to her. THen she rebounded and more or less demanded that the rebound man marry her. They did, and it's 15 years later and they are divorced.

 

Granted, she is an extreme example, but I think guys are used to women chasing after them. They say that they like it when women ask them out or when they pursue them, but I don't think that's true. If you call them or act like you're interested in them, it's as good as over. Act hungry and they get scared off or treat you badly. And all that talk show nonsense we have been fed for the last 30 years - to tell others how you feel, to be honest, show your heart to others - it's so bogus. People will take that information (as well as the most trivial things like saying "My favorite color is blue") and just rip you to shreds with it.

 

Turn the tables on them by being elusive and mysterious, they still don't know how to respond to it. If you ask to be treated nicer (have them pay for meals, pull your chair out, etc.) than they would a buddy, then they are kind of blown away by it. They act like "What is this?!" and move onto someone else. I feel like I can't win either way.

[Garfish]

Men don't chase women? I think they do, but maybe as the book title says, "he's just not that into you".

[Woggle]

Why not just find better quality men. I am the kind of guy when I was single if a woman liked me then she liked me and if she felt the need to beat around the bush she wasn't the one for me. I can't stand stupid games and when I am really into a woman her doing some of the chasing just makes me more interested,

[StillReigning]

Another awful thread with women who expect men to do absolutely everything in the dating world.

 

 

"I'm a woman, I should have 500 options at all times. I actually have to put in some work like the rest of civilized society to find a partner? Wait you're kidding right?"

 

 

*yawn*

[threebyfate]

mortensorchid, uncertain where you're seeking men but the online dating market appears to be teeming with guys where it's heavily in favour of women who are reasonably attractive.

 

As far as chasing men, forget the chase. For all the crappy advice on LS that women aren't in demand in their thirties, blah de blah de blah, it's all just noise. Didn't have a problem getting asked out, finding relationship guys or getting remarried in my thirties. Everyone of these guys weren't shy to approach. Expand your social network. That's where all the decent guys reside, instead of the wannabe players on dating sites.

[monkey00]

They say that they like it when women ask them out or when they pursue them, but I don't think that's true. If you call them or act like you're interested in them, it's as good as over. Act hungry and they get scared off or treat you badly.

 

Personally I do like it when a woman I like or have a crush on asks me out. It has nothing to do with me being scared off by having the woman be assertive. For me, I see it as the flip of when a guy does the asking. Women that aren't interested will find him creepy or try to blow him off, while the ones that are will reciprocate and say yes. But irregardless, if I like someone enough I will usually make the first move.

 

Also when I'm dating someone, I do tons of chasing by asking them out and making plans/being assertive. However somewhere down the line, I'd like them to make plans too and take initiative by texting/calling me to show me I'm appreciated....that's definitely a little chasing there.

[gaius]

Guys still chase. I'm chasing this girl so hard right now I feel like my legs are gonna fall off. There's definitely a deficit of sexy men around though so I'm not surprised you don't see it very often.

[mesmerized]

Guys still chase. I'm chasing this girl so hard right now I feel like my legs are gonna fall off. There's definitely a deficit of sexy men around though so I'm not surprised you don't see it very often.

 

I always thought you were a woman.

 

Men don't chase women as much anymore because 1. They are wusses. 2. They don't need to as much cause women chase men nowadays too.

[MrCastle]

Men don't chase women as much anymore because 1. They are wusses.

 

Ah, so either approach and risk failure/rejection, or don't approach and be labeled a wuss

 

It's a win win!

[MercuryMorrison1]

If you call them or act like you're interested in them, it's as good as over.

 

No offense but this must be a generalzation in your experience. I personally love it if a girl expresses intrest in me. It makes me feel attractive we all want to feel wanted. A guy who gets so turned off by being paid a complement or having a memeber of the oppisite sex take initive to call him or seek him out is an idiot...Or possibly just a player who's affraid of any real commitment other than sex.

 

As far as the whole ''guys chasing girls thing'' some of us guys ''as stupid as is sounds'' are still learning how to chase. I for example, have never been a great presuer of girls. Sure I see girls on a daily basis that I would LOVE to just go talk to and try and work my way towards getting their phone number, but 85% of the time I wind up mind fu**ing myself to the point that I just call off any attempt or pre-concived notion that I should go make chit chat with her to see where it leads.

 

We all have our hangups. I'm working towards correcting mine. As of right now that's the only intuition I can offer you.

[USMCHokie]

Men don't chase women as much anymore because 1. They are wusses. 2. They don't need to as much cause women chase men nowadays too.

 

No, the quality men don't need to chase women as much anymore because they are able to select the women who prove their worth to be chased/pursued. No longer does mere entitlement granted solely from being a woman work. If a woman doesn't somehow show they are worth the man's time and effort, then why would the man spend time and effort on her? Hence the perception that women "chase" men.

 

Women can't rest on their laurels and expect the cream of the crop to come knocking on their door. They need to actively participate and show that they are worthwhile. If you do nothing and expect men to "do all the work," then you're going to get the men who are only after physical beauty and sex.

 

 

But then again, I merely speculate.

[Anela]

No, the quality men don't need to chase women as much anymore because they are able to select the women who prove their worth to be chased/pursued. No longer does mere entitlement granted solely from being a woman work. If a woman doesn't somehow show they are worth the man's time and effort, then why would the man spend time and effort on her? Hence the perception that women "chase" men.

 

Women can't rest on their laurels and expect the cream of the crop to come knocking on their door. They need to actively participate and show that they are worthwhile. If you do nothing and expect men to "do all the work," then you're going to get the men who are only after physical beauty and sex.

 

 

But then again, I merely speculate.

 

So, I was just never quite good enough? Even though I feel that way right now, that isn't true. Some of the guys I've known were wusses, and/or expected me to throw myself at them, I guess. Those guys knew that I was worthwhile.

 

Ugh. I can't be here tonight.

[espec10001]

It's natural for men to chase women. Like a carrot on a stick, women know the game through and through. Men, on the other hand, are stupid. "A dur dur dur she's purty I'm gonna make her my girlfrand!"

 

Why do you think men slave at jobs they hate? Women! Why do men put up with so much crap in this world? w o m e n. Why do men buy fancy clothes and waste tons of money at bars? You guessed it!

[USMCHokie]

So, I was just never quite good enough? Even though I feel that way right now, that isn't true. Some of the guys I've known were wusses, and/or expected me to throw myself at them, I guess. Those guys knew that I was worthwhile.

 

Ugh. I can't be here tonight.

 

They probably weren't the kind of quality guys that I am referring to...

[gaius]

I always thought you were a woman.

Come over and watch Sex & the City with me.

 

So many guys really do take every small rejection personally now. It's crazy. Like they have no self worth of their own. If you ask a woman out to ice cream and she says no so what?

[oaks]

I don't chase women who act uninterested. There's no point. Either it isn't really an act, or she's playing games. I'll chase women who are interested, but that's not really chasing as they clearly want to be 'caught'.

 

For which reason did you want men to chase you?

[MrCastle]

So many guys really do take every small rejection personally now. [/Quote]

 

Lol. It is personal, by definition.

 

She's saying I would love to go out for ice cream with a guy I like, but you're not one of them.

 

How much more personal can you get? The reason she says no is because she doesn't like how you look, how you act, or both. In other words, something about your person.

[yongyong]

Scarce pussy mentality will kill your game.

[gaius]

Lol. It is personal, by definition.

 

She's saying I would love to go out for ice cream with a guy I like, but you're not one of them.

 

How much more personal can you get? The reason she says no is because she doesn't like how you look, how you act, or both. In other words, something about your person.

That's an assumption on your part. You're interpreting rejection the way you want to, deciding it's automatically about you. Very narcissistic. Even if it is about you, looks and how you act are fluid. They're not part of your true self. Women who wouldn't date me when I was fat dated me when I was thin. My person, how I see it, was irrelevant in the decision making process. So it would seem ridiculous to start taking rejection personally.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Some do, some don't.

 

That's how it always was and how it will be, till the end of time.

[phineas]

Well OP, my experience is women are either way too subtle or way to clingy.

 

I've had women who say "hi" to me at work (just like everyone else) and i'm supposed to know out of the 50 people a day who say "hi" that she is the one interested in me?

 

Then I get women who quite frankly give off the bunny boiler vibe or bug the living hell out of me daily asking what i'm doing, who i'm with, ect even before our scheduled first date.

 

Well if she's like this now, I assume she's going to try & keep me on a short leash when we are together.

 

Very few women can keep it moderate when showing interest in a guy. They take it to one extreme or another.

 

And they don't realize it either or their good actors because they genuinely seem surprised when I tell them they need to chill.

 

As for chasing?

You get one phone call out of me, you don't call back you are forgotten.

I ask you out once. You give me an excuse & don't offer an alternative you are forgotten.

 

Women who are interested call me back & offer up alternative date nights.

 

As for paying for dinner?

Why would I treat a stranger to dinner?

"treat" is the operative word here.

You treat people who deserve it.

A woman who isn't my GF really hasn't done anything to deserve it.

Just like a guy I just met.

Why would I cover some guy I just met's tab?

doesn't make sense really.

[monkey00]

Well OP, my experience is women are either way too subtle or way to clingy.

 

I've had women who say "hi" to me at work (just like everyone else) and i'm supposed to know out of the 50 people a day who say "hi" that she is the one interested in me?

 

That's true. I think there are just as many women out there who don't know how to show a guy they're interested as there are guys who are lousy/fearful of asking a woman out.

 

....and there are also just as many flirtatious women out there who are taken but love to flirt anyway, totally bad because it's easy to fool a guy that's single.

 

Men don't chase women as much anymore because 1. They are wusses. 2. They don't need to as much cause women chase men nowadays too.

 

I agree with 1 strongly. A lot of guys I know personally are like this.

 

The issue with guys not asking out is that they have to either -

 

A) settle for whoever the girl is that they come across that pursues them

B) remain single

C) Wait for someone to play matchmaker (but even then the guy has to do at least some legwork even after the ice breaking)

 

I know people that have done A. And ones that did C --> A. Surprisingly they seem happy though in the relationship and have accepted it. Some guys are the type that just need to be pursued by a woman.

Edited August 16, 2012 by monkey00

[xxoo]

Ah, so either approach and risk failure/rejection, or don't approach and be labeled a wuss

 

It's a win win!

 

Well, that's a pessimistic outlook.

 

What about approach and get the girl?

 

Yes, there is risk--but risk is part of success.

 

Chasing has the power to make a woman who is attracted to you more attracted to you. It makes you stand out. It makes her crush on you. Men would be well advised to chase!

[xxoo]

Well, that's a pessimistic outlook.

 

What about approach and get the girl?

 

Yes, there is risk--but risk is part of success.

 

Chasing has the power to make a woman who is attracted to you more attracted to you. It makes you stand out. It makes her crush on you. Men would be well advised to chase!

 

A woman who is interested will respond to your chase positively. It should be obvious that she is interested.

[GoodOnPaper]

Chasing has the power to make a woman who is attracted to you more attracted to you. It makes you stand out. It makes her crush on you. Men would be well advised to chase!

 

You're imagining a guy that you want to chase you. Having played the role of guy-who-she-doesn't-want-chasing-her numerous times, it saps your enthusiasm for the whole thing. That said, guys need to be careful what they wish for. I agree with this:

 

The issue with guys not asking out is that they have to either -

 

A) settle for whoever the girl is that they come across that pursues them

B) remain single

C) Wait for someone to play matchmaker (but even then the guy has to do at least some legwork even after the ice breaking)

 

On the surface, it seems like it would be great if women did all the pursuing but what if a woman that you don't want to date pursues you? Women reject guys all the time -- they can do it without a second thought. We guys who struggle with attraction don't get any practice at rejecting women. It can be very difficult -- I didn't have the heart to do it. If your dating/attraction struggles become severe enough, you may develop the mindset that you don't have the right to reject a woman unless you just can't stand being in the same room with her. That's not a mindset you want to enter an LTR or marriage with.