Dreamless Sleep Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 I know I haven't yet put my story out. I will in due time. It's so hard to coalesce . It's been an emotional roller coaster. (ok I know I'm not unique) Today I had a meeting with my attorney. Just my 2nd meeting. His assessment of my best possible option was bitter but I could live with it. The worse option left me thinking about quitting work and moving abroad (seriously). Tonight I was offered a better deal from the STBXW. I coulda kissed her. Well I actually did. Hopefully she won't be swayed by her lawyer. I can imagine actually being her friend if I'm not pillaged financially and custody wise. A good day had to share.
M30USA Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 I know I haven't yet put my story out. I will in due time. It's so hard to coalesce . It's been an emotional roller coaster. (ok I know I'm not unique) Today I had a meeting with my attorney. Just my 2nd meeting. His assessment of my best possible option was bitter but I could live with it. The worse option left me thinking about quitting work and moving abroad (seriously). Tonight I was offered a better deal from the STBXW. I coulda kissed her. Well I actually did. Hopefully she won't be swayed by her lawyer. I can imagine actually being her friend if I'm not pillaged financially and custody wise. A good day had to share. That's great news. I wish I could say the same. My wife beat my ass and is now fighting for primary custody. Go figure.
trippi1432 Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Sheesh...M30..how many threads are you gonna steal before you get that apology you want?
M30USA Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Sheesh...M30..how many threads are you gonna steal before you get that apology you want? Sorry, I didn't realize how much I'm being tracked and followed on here. Apparently this forum has a small population. I always assume the internet is vast, so I kind of repeat my story because I assume people are just "tuning in" for the first time. Guess not. Peace.
g450 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Sorry, I didn't realize how much I'm being tracked and followed on here. Apparently this forum has a small population. I always assume the internet is vast, so I kind of repeat my story because I assume people are just "tuning in" for the first time. Guess not. Peace. I wouldnt worry too much about it M30. I do the same thing you do. Why? Because there are new people here and they can learn from our experiences, even when we vent. If people get tired of my postings I simply tell them the forum has an ignore option. Feel free to use it. It works well with trolls and people who are not really here for help or too help. FWIW I always enjoy reading your posts.
M30USA Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 I wouldnt worry too much about it M30. I do the same thing you do. Why? Because there are new people here and they can learn from our experiences, even when we vent. If people get tired of my postings I simply tell them the forum has an ignore option. Feel free to use it. It works well with trolls and people who are not really here for help or too help. FWIW I always enjoy reading your posts. Totally. It's funny but so far I've had numerous people tell me to either get over it or that I need to change myself. I've had maybe 1 or 2 people actually side with me. I didn't think it was possible to be a victim of domestic violence...and get treated like a perpetrator. I wonder what would happen if the roles were reversed and I was the perpetrator. I would be getting ripped apart and she would not only get ridiculous sympathy but would get the kids sole custody. Just unfair.
Author Dreamless Sleep Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 Thanks to ALL who have replied. The misery of this process is worth sharing and expressing. No offense to anyone. I just know I'm likely to misread,misrepresent, hijack, double speak, waffle or otherwise embarrass myself at any moment. An update: We live in a moderately sized metropolitan area. She and I have retained probably 2 of the top Family Attorneys. As she doesn't work, it costs me lawyer time x2. Not cheap!!!! I related the gist of the conversation with my STBXW to my attorney. He replied with a 4 page manifesto which included forensic accounting etc. I was blowwwwwwn away. He painted it as a bad deal for me. Then I was suspicious of her and her team. Then of my team. I married her and stayed with her for a long time for a reason (too long but that's for another time). She's not f'in me both literally and figuratively. I know. I want to feel good about this process. Even if it was not of my action or decision. I have to be around this woman until one of us dies. We have 3 kids who are growing up. Three college educations, marriages, grandkids, deaths and divorces too. I don't want a bloody battle. I want our kids to know they are loved and, despite not being married, their parents love each other. So what do I say to my lawyer? I appreciate that he has my interest in mind. I'm not going to war over the silverware though.
tojaz Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 Thanks to ALL who have replied. The misery of this process is worth sharing and expressing. No offense to anyone. I just know I'm likely to misread,misrepresent, hijack, double speak, waffle or otherwise embarrass myself at any moment. An update: We live in a moderately sized metropolitan area. She and I have retained probably 2 of the top Family Attorneys. As she doesn't work, it costs me lawyer time x2. Not cheap!!!! I related the gist of the conversation with my STBXW to my attorney. He replied with a 4 page manifesto which included forensic accounting etc. I was blowwwwwwn away. He painted it as a bad deal for me. Then I was suspicious of her and her team. Then of my team. I married her and stayed with her for a long time for a reason (too long but that's for another time). She's not f'in me both literally and figuratively. I know. I want to feel good about this process. Even if it was not of my action or decision. I have to be around this woman until one of us dies. We have 3 kids who are growing up. Three college educations, marriages, grandkids, deaths and divorces too. I don't want a bloody battle. I want our kids to know they are loved and, despite not being married, their parents love each other. So what do I say to my lawyer? I appreciate that he has my interest in mind. I'm not going to war over the silverware though. It is a lawyers job to get their client the best they can, sometimes that drive will override what the client is actually looking for in favor of squeezing a better settlement out. Attorneys do not have the emotional connection that the people they represent do, to them it is them just doing the best for their client and most of the time that is measured in dollar signs. In the end, the attorneys work for you. Let them disect the settlement so that you understand it front to back, inside and out but you make the final call. if what is proposed is acceptable and fair to you and will allow an amicable split that will in the end be the best for you, your wife, and your children. Then you have every right to tell your attorney that and accept. Even if your lawyer feels that you are leaving money or posessions on the table, it may be an investment in a happy and emotionally healthy family life for you and your kids. TOJAZ
2sure Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 My divorce was an act of aggression start to finish. We have no children in common. I had a divorce attorney, a criminal attorney, a litigator, and a forensic accountant to pay. If the two of you are fairly amicable and you want to retain some respect and integrity , you should definitely mention this to your divorce attorney . It changes things. The divorce can be fair. He or she will tone it down a notch, speak to the opposing, find out if your ex is on the same page and it will be nice and nice. Thing is, matrimonial law specialists are jaded, so it might take some convincing By yourself and your ex to play nice. A fight does mean more money for the help.
M30USA Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 My STBXW couldn't even accept a fair deal from me in mediation even with a domestic violence and arrest record on her. I don't know what she's expecting. But she's taking me back to court. I just read an article about a woman who shot her husband twice; as soon as she got out of jail she took him to court for custody of her kids. Sometimes it's just ridiculous. People ask for the world.
trippi1432 Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I don't want to hit this as $$$$, but yes, when it comes to attorney's every form is more money in their pocket. I hired the most feared divorce attorney's office in my town even though I had a pre-nupt. It might have been overkill, and I made it easy on him to be rid of the past 15 years of my life, but it was worth it. Dreamless, if your wife is offering a good deal that you can live with, talk it over with your attorney. I don't know if you should just go to the forensic accounting forms..sometimes you can bypass the attorneys and get it from her in writing. The attorney's don't make the calls, the people filing the paperwork do. Yeah, they will push a form at a couple hundred dollars but if you can get her to agree to something the two of you have talked about..just get it in writing and get it notarized and ask your attorney if that works. Be aware that your attorney should be working for you, but money is money and divorce is a good living for an attorney. The two of you have kids so somewhere in there, their best interest should be first. If her offer makes it that, consider it. Sorry, but not much info here on the logistics. M30 - It's not about getting over it, it's about rising above it. I spent five years being physically abused, my exH left a decade later because he felt that he wanted to hit me again...that's what he said after he hit our 13 year old son that left a bruise for 3 weeks while I was re-couping from a major surgery. Sometimes it isn't you, it is them. If the only way they can work through their feelings is violence, then it's a waste of your time to continue living it over and over. It's not about getting over it, it's about not letting it define you looking for an apology. You won't get one...you can only rise above it and be done. You need to look for something more incriminating than DV or even cheating to get leverage in the courts today. If that didn't help, I apologize, but my position is not to just get over it...it's to stop looking for an apology where you won't get one.
M30USA Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 You need to look for something more incriminating than DV or even cheating to get leverage in the courts today. How about perjury? She said she never hit me in family court. Then she later filled out a judicial confession saying she did--so she could get it dismissed. Yet she's still taking me back to court where they will clearly see her perjury. I guess her rap sheet still doesn't matter?
tojaz Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 How about perjury? She said she never hit me in family court. Then she later filled out a judicial confession saying she did--so she could get it dismissed. Yet she's still taking me back to court where they will clearly see her perjury. I guess her rap sheet still doesn't matter? It doesn't matter in her right to put things before the judge, but it will most likely play a role in his decision. She might be shooting herself in the foot and not even know it. It is what it is M30, just let it play out and take it as it comes. TOJAZ
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