jmjacobs31 Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 I know the truth, the reality of the situation. I was in a craptastic relationship. He was emotionally unavailable to me, a high functioning alcoholic and in love with his job. I was never put first and hes left me with zero self esteem. I know some of the things he did to me are not things you do to someone you love. I don't even think he knows how emotionally abusive he was to me. So after all of this why do I still love him? I was not happy in our relationship and I know hes not capable of changing. I miss him, miss my old life, and my home. I know in the long run this is the best. I don't want to be with an alcoholic who cant communicate with me. I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel like crap about myself. I've made a list of about 170 things I didnt like about him/our relationship and yet I still wish he wanted me back. He somehow still has this hold over me and I don't know how to make it stop. I am missing the wonderful things about him and forgetting the bad. I've started to see a therapist to help me understand why I let him treat me this way for the past 9+ years. The truth is, is that I am much better with out him but why is it so hard to accept that!
Sav Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 I know the truth, the reality of the situation. I was in a craptastic relationship. He was emotionally unavailable to me, a high functioning alcoholic and in love with his job. I was never put first and hes left me with zero self esteem. I know some of the things he did to me are not things you do to someone you love. I don't even think he knows how emotionally abusive he was to me. So after all of this why do I still love him? I was not happy in our relationship and I know hes not capable of changing. I miss him, miss my old life, and my home. I know in the long run this is the best. I don't want to be with an alcoholic who cant communicate with me. I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel like crap about myself. I've made a list of about 170 things I didnt like about him/our relationship and yet I still wish he wanted me back. He somehow still has this hold over me and I don't know how to make it stop. I am missing the wonderful things about him and forgetting the bad. I've started to see a therapist to help me understand why I let him treat me this way for the past 9+ years. The truth is, is that I am much better with out him but why is it so hard to accept that! All I can say is that "Even if someone doesn't love you the way you want, it doesn't mean he don't love you with all his heart". It's not that he doesn't love you (I think), it's just his way of expressing. In relationships, compatibility is often an issue. And since you aren't compatible with him, I dare say you did the right thing in leaving. Don't worry as the wounds are still fresh and raw, soon the pain will numb and you will find someone who is compatible with you Don't give up!
KatZee Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 I know the truth, the reality of the situation. I was in a craptastic relationship. He was emotionally unavailable to me, a high functioning alcoholic and in love with his job. I was never put first and hes left me with zero self esteem. I know some of the things he did to me are not things you do to someone you love. I don't even think he knows how emotionally abusive he was to me. So after all of this why do I still love him? I was not happy in our relationship and I know hes not capable of changing. I miss him, miss my old life, and my home. I know in the long run this is the best. I don't want to be with an alcoholic who cant communicate with me. I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel like crap about myself. I've made a list of about 170 things I didnt like about him/our relationship and yet I still wish he wanted me back. He somehow still has this hold over me and I don't know how to make it stop. I am missing the wonderful things about him and forgetting the bad. I've started to see a therapist to help me understand why I let him treat me this way for the past 9+ years. The truth is, is that I am much better with out him but why is it so hard to accept that! Sounds like my ex, minus the alcoholic part. He too didn't communicate, he too was emotionally abusive, he too made me feel like crap, I lost all self-esteem with him... he was so insecure with himself so he always made me feel insecure with myself. He cheated. He lied CONSTANTLY. But despite all that, when we had our good times... they were very very good, and we had many great times. He's just not able to man up to the next level, he's extremely immature and how he handled things is not indicative of someone who truly loves another. However when we first broke up I missed him like crazy. I wanted nothing but for him to want me back. Despite how horrible he had been at the end, and how amazing I had been... I still wanted that back. You're still emotionally addicted to him. He moved you tremendously on an emotional level. And we as human beings are drawn to those that move us on that level. However, that doesn't mean what's moving us, is good or right for us. Usually, what moves us the MOST are toxic, and relationships which are harmful to us on some level. As you continue on with the NC this feeling will become less and less and one day you're going to hit the anger stage because of all of this. At that point you will finally realize what it is you will and won't put up with and you'll realize you will never want him back. 1
Author jmjacobs31 Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 All I can say is that "Even if someone doesn't love you the way you want, it doesn't mean he don't love you with all his heart". It's not that he doesn't love you (I think), it's just his way of expressing. In relationships, compatibility is often an issue. And since you aren't compatible with him, I dare say you did the right thing in leaving. Don't worry as the wounds are still fresh and raw, soon the pain will numb and you will find someone who is compatible with you Don't give up! Thanks! I know at one point he really did love me. I also know people fall out of love. I really believe everything happens for a reason and I know I deserve to be treated better then I was being treated. im 4 months post BU and I am doing better, not great but better. I still miss him but not as much as I did 3 months ago. Its true what they say, time heals all wounds. I know I still have a long road to recovery but I am excited for what my future holds.
Author jmjacobs31 Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 Sounds like my ex, minus the alcoholic part. He too didn't communicate, he too was emotionally abusive, he too made me feel like crap, I lost all self-esteem with him... he was so insecure with himself so he always made me feel insecure with myself. He cheated. He lied CONSTANTLY. But despite all that, when we had our good times... they were very very good, and we had many great times. He's just not able to man up to the next level, he's extremely immature and how he handled things is not indicative of someone who truly loves another. However when we first broke up I missed him like crazy. I wanted nothing but for him to want me back. Despite how horrible he had been at the end, and how amazing I had been... I still wanted that back. You're still emotionally addicted to him. He moved you tremendously on an emotional level. And we as human beings are drawn to those that move us on that level. However, that doesn't mean what's moving us, is good or right for us. Usually, what moves us the MOST are toxic, and relationships which are harmful to us on some level. As you continue on with the NC this feeling will become less and less and one day you're going to hit the anger stage because of all of this. At that point you will finally realize what it is you will and won't put up with and you'll realize you will never want him back. Ive read some of your posts and I agree, our exes sound very similar. What I know is this. What I want, I cant have. If he came back, which everyone seems to think he will, I would want us to go to individual counseling and couples counseling. I would want him to cut back on his drinking and it would take a lot of work to improve our relationship. I know none of these are possible. He flat out told me counseling was out of the question and he would rather loose our 12 year relationship them talk with someone about his/our problems. I know I wasn't happy and could not have continued much longer with the way things were. I know men don't usually talk about their "feelings" but I need to be able to come to my significant other when I have a problem with our feeling judged, or stupid. I was definatly in a codependent relationship and my friends and therapist are helping my deal with this. He's done some horrible things to me since our break up that I could never forgive but that doesn't make me stop loving him. This relationship had drained me emotionally, physically, mentally and financially. I am looking forward to finding "me" again, as I haven't been myself for quite some time. He has really sucked the life out of me.
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