Mount Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Just want to continue the update. Our last time meet-up was the beginning of August, since then as I was getting unsatified with the relationship and complained about it, I tried to get distant from him and finally got his txt msg about not seeing each other related to Affair, unless work only, and I agree. So this week we still talked at work, and talked as close friends as well, but we do assure we are not going to get intimate anymore as it does drag both of us deeply attached, and for me it will trigger me wanting more from him. So far we are good about maintaining that. I am not sure if you guys call it as EA, but I don't think so. And for me, he is not always in my mind anymore. Other things, my personal errands, work, keep me busy. So it is doable - ending A while working together and keeping close friendship?
Author Mount Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 Not to my surprise, I knew you are going to say that. Today we had chance, but we still maintain normal relationship, talking as friend when we were alone. This is so typical. You are playing the to and fro game. Then one day the two of you will give in and have sex. The sex will be even better than before because of the holding pattern. Then the two of you will declare that there must be something special among us. The proper way to end it is to get another job.
mercy Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Except life is not a game to be played at the expense of another. 1
Author Mount Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 I am hoping it is not a game though. I am detaching day by day and it does seem working so far. Why it is a game? Plus the MM seems to be firm about keeping non-intimate so I don't see it as a game really. Except life is not a game to be played at the expense of another.
jwi71 Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Just want to continue the update. Our last time meet-up was the beginning of August, since then as I was getting unsatified with the relationship and complained about it, I tried to get distant from him and finally got his txt msg about not seeing each other related to Affair, unless work only, and I agree. So this week we still talked at work, and talked as close friends as well, but we do assure we are not going to get intimate anymore as it does drag both of us deeply attached, and for me it will trigger me wanting more from him. So far we are good about maintaining that. I am not sure if you guys call it as EA, but I don't think so. And for me, he is not always in my mind anymore. Other things, my personal errands, work, keep me busy. So it is doable - ending A while working together and keeping close friendship? In a word, no.
Author Mount Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 Now you really make want me to keep the current no A situation last then.....coz you are so not trusting me:o In a word, no.
MissBee Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Just want to continue the update. Our last time meet-up was the beginning of August, since then as I was getting unsatified with the relationship and complained about it, I tried to get distant from him and finally got his txt msg about not seeing each other related to Affair, unless work only, and I agree. So this week we still talked at work, and talked as close friends as well, but we do assure we are not going to get intimate anymore as it does drag both of us deeply attached, and for me it will trigger me wanting more from him. So far we are good about maintaining that. I am not sure if you guys call it as EA, but I don't think so. And for me, he is not always in my mind anymore. Other things, my personal errands, work, keep me busy. So it is doable - ending A while working together and keeping close friendship? I'm sure some person on earth has done this. But how humans are, it is often very difficult to detach romantically while at the same time remaining "close friends". Your journey JUST started...so pretty much, until months have passed with you and he not being in an A, emotionally or physically but supposedly being friends, I can't consider your few weeks example as a successful venture. If I recall you first announced your friendship and then came back to say you slipped and got intimate. My response was "No kidding!" No judgment...I'm just saying in the early stages people always think they can be friends, then eventually usually they can't. So a week or two or 3 is not really enough time to test it. I'm looking forward to future updates to see how it's working.
Owl Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 Mount...why did you ask this as a question, but then remain so quick to refute answers that you got that you didn't like? Most of us will answer "no"...because it's usually very, very difficult to go back to "just friends" from "lovers and soulmates". I'd agree with the other folks who've told you that the best way to go about ending the affair is to get another job so that you truly are NC. Pierre was on the money...and yet you derided his response by stating you knew that was what he'd say. So you posted this hoping to have folks tell you that it was possible and doable and acceptable?!?!?! What's the point? 1
Owl Posted August 16, 2012 Posted August 16, 2012 I'm sure with a lot of resolve it could be done... but it's going to hurt like hell and be so hard. And therein lies the rub... Most folks who've ALREADY engaged in an affair typically don't have that resolve...ergo...this route is nearly always fraught with failure. That's why the answer to this is nearly always going to be a resounding "NO!" from folks who've been through an affair on one point of the triangle or another.
Author Mount Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 While appreciating others' replies as well, I have to say that not engaging in being intimated with him does help me detaching from the MM though. So day by day I feel much healthy mentally as I was not thinkning of MM or A at all. There will be many more chances to get in the sac. This is like asking an alcoholic to do his rehab at the local bar. He will be surrounded by booze, but is not suppose to drink it. Yeah, right.
MourningLosses Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Not to my surprise, I knew you are going to say that. Today we had chance, but we still maintain normal relationship, talking as friend when we were alone. Exactly. This is how I want my friend to be with me. But he emails meanly saying its "disrespectful to his wife" or some crap. It isn't disrespectful because nothing happened and she didn't have to be there (I'm sure my being alive seems disrespectful to that vindictive woman). I hope he learns to be mature like your MM. Can anyone enlighten me how my being professional and "proper" is disrespectful to his wife????
TaraMaiden Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 (edited) So it is doable - ending A while working together ... yes... and keeping close friendship? No. If you read "The All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide" in my signature, you will be reading a worthy document written by a man who worked in the same building as his ex GF, who cheated on him, and during a particularly vulnerable period of his life, dumped him unceremoniously. This worked so well for him, it messed her up a lot more than it ever did him... When at work, talk about absolutely nothing at all that is not connected with work. All and any discussion must, and can only be work-related. Avoid unnecessary eye contact, meeting or exchanges. That's how it will work. Maintaining a friendship is just an affair without the sex. Edited August 17, 2012 by TaraMaiden
whichwayisup Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Mount, as long as you keep that door open - friendship with him - you'll never get over him in your heart. You are attached and getting something still out of being 'friends' with him. You don't need to spend one on one time with him at work, nor have personal friendly conversations. You only need to deal with him about work related issues and that's it. You're there to do a job, not hang out with him and have fun. Focus on work and don't be aware of his comings/goings. It IS an EA, you're hanging onto him. NO a friendship cannot happen after an A ends..
carhill Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Just want to continue the update. Our last time meet-up was the beginning of August, since then as I was getting unsatified with the relationship and complained about it, I tried to get distant from him and finally got his txt msg about not seeing each other related to Affair, unless work only, and I agree. That's one option, but it takes both people sticking to the agreement to make it work in a healthy way. So this week we still talked at work, and talked as close friends as well, but we do assure we are not going to get intimate anymore as it does drag both of us deeply attached, and for me it will trigger me wanting more from him.You both broke the agreement. So far we are good about maintaining that. I am not sure if you guys call it as EA, but I don't think so. And for me, he is not always in my mind anymore. Other things, my personal errands, work, keep me busy.If you or he feels attached to the other or seeks out the other emotionally or sexually in a way which would not be acceptable to his/your marital/LTR partners, it's an EA, IMO. So it is doable - ending A while working together and keeping close friendship?Yes, it's doable. For most people, a period of total NC helps break the attachment/familiarity/continuity of connection so each party can move on emotionally. As an example, you or he could take a month of vacation and focus on your own partner/relationship. This is a 'break' and a re-focus. Good luck.
mercy Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Because it takes someone who is professional (not to have an affair at work) and respectful(not to have an affair with a MP) to know when they have been disrespectful or how to be professional. So true! Past behavior predicts future behavior. Though you can make yourself a new past in time.
mercy Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 I respectfully disagree. Your past is your past, you have to own that, you don't get to rewrite it unless you are going to fabricate one. Your past will become more distant, but it doesn't go away. You become the person you are because of the past you have lived. Ok, I take back my whole post back. I was talking behavior.
MourningLosses Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 LFH I think they mean I'd I behave "properly" now that will become my past, a more recent past. But that's the thing: he won't let me do that! I have to punished as I'm the evil perpetrator, and he just gets to flourish and she has her secure life back but still wants to destroy my career.
mercy Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 I think she is saying the same thing you do........ from this point on she can choose a different path and thus creating a something different for others to view. Mercy correct me if I am wrong. You're right! I was speaking of the behavior changes, the paths they choose. I don't consider h a cheater. I did in the past when he cheated but now years later, no.
mercy Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 LFH I think they mean I'd I behave "properly" now that will become my past, a more recent past. But that's the thing: he won't let me do that! I have to punished as I'm the evil perpetrator, and he just gets to flourish and she has her secure life back but still wants to destroy my career. Choose a different behavior.
MourningLosses Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Choose a different behavior. How can I and still do my job? It's just not possible for us to not run into each other professionally but that's what he's demanding.
mercy Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 Ok. Thank you. That makes sense. I was trying to figure out if I'm misconstrued the meaning somehow when I first read it. I'm second guessing everything I say tonight. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. But you don't have to second guess my posts.
mercy Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 How can I and still do my job? It's just not possible for us to not run into each other professionally but that's what he's demanding. Mourninglosses, you and he made a lot of choices that she wasn't privy to. Now it's her turn to make some. It's time for you and them to do some soul searching, try to heal from all of this. This is just me but I wouldn't want my man to breathe the same air as the OW. But that's just me. Time to respect their marriage, it's time.
carhill Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 So true! Past behavior predicts future behavior. Though you can make yourself a new past in time. So, relevant to the OP and the clarity provided in subsequent postings, the OP and her former affair partner can 'make a new past' by having positive and healthy work interactions and regaining the professional distance they once enjoyed prior to the A. That sounds reasonable and achievable. I would opine that, if the OP chooses to allow 'close friendship' into the picture, it will inhibit 'making a new past' that will portend a healthy future for their personal and professional relations. OP, what's your take on that? What do you think about making a new past?
mercy Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 So, relevant to the OP and the clarity provided in subsequent postings, the OP and her former affair partner can 'make a new past' by having positive and healthy work interactions and regaining the professional distance they once enjoyed prior to the A. That sounds reasonable and achievable. I would opine that, if the OP chooses to allow 'close friendship' into the picture, it will inhibit 'making a new past' that will portend a healthy future for their personal and professional relations. OP, what's your take on that? What do you think about making a new past? No, they can make a 'new past' by one of them getting a different job.
spice4life Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 I have a friend who has to maintain a profesional relationship with a person she had a short affair with and ended it over four years ago. The only way she is able to do it is because she is completely indifferent about him now. He doesn't have a shot in h*ll with her and never will again. You have to be completely indifferent about the person and set a firm boundary that all communication is strictly professional. Period. That's the only way IMHO.
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