Are we dating? Are we f-ing? Are we best friends? Are we something?

[evangeline6]

The title is from Childish Gambino's "Heartbeats." So I had the "are we exclusive" conversation today. For the second time. Needless to say, it didn't go as I wanted. I need to vent. If you want to comment, go ahead.

 

The first time I had the conversation, it was the day after I had surgery. I was feeling very vulnerable and lonely, home by myself for most of the day and in pain. Sweet and thoughtful man that he is, he came by to watch movies and cuddle. And I opened my mouth, said what I said. Never thinking he would object. He said he wanted to be sexually exclusive. But not my boyfriend. I lost it. I got on the train and took it to the pier. He followed me because he knew I was not in my right mind and I had a fever. I told him it was best if we stopped talking because I didn't want to fall for him anymore than I already had. He grabbed me as I walked away and said he would really miss me if I never spoke to him again. We didn't talk for a day. But the next day we were texting. He texted me every day to ask if I was healing from surgery.

 

Eventually, things were as they always were. We recently went to a concert we had been planning for a month. He put together my ikea furniture, went with me to the doctor and helped me do my laundry when I got sick. Yesterday I introduced him to my coworkers and I took him to the movies to celebrate his new job.

 

I couldn't stop thinking about whether I should ask again about us. The first time was bad. I was sick and sobbing, miles from home. This time I asked by text, in a very casual way. I said I was "just wondering." He said he "wasn't opposed" but "had some reservations." not about me but about him.

 

I've been dating him(?), talking to him(?) for 4 months now and I know it's wrong to rush things. But at the same time I have to be true to what I want. I don't want to have these "couple moments" with someone who doesn't want me to be their girlfriend. So my limit is 1 more month. If he hasn't decided to view me in that way, I will leave. He is reaping the benefits of having a girlfriend without having to say it out loud. It is really frustrating. I like him a lot.

 

I guess I'm also trying to write a response (and vent) to all the forums I read that say you shouldn't talk about exclusivity. You should. If enough time has passed. And you should bring it up in a casual way. If it doesn't go the way you want, you should set a time limit for when you will end the "non-relationship."

[MrCastle]

He just wants to have casual sex with you. If you feel uncomfortable with that scenario, stop sleeping with him.

[SmileFace]

Do you really think waiting any longer will help?

 

I am not saying don't wait one more month - truthfully I will probably will wait two months.

 

However do you really think it is good idea to wait for someone to change?

 

He has told you twice all ready. Why will he buy a cow if he is getting the milk for free? Be true to yourself hun.

[lovejoy41]

Smileface couldn't have said it better. You know what you want and if you know you want more and this man can't give it to you, you know what you have to do. It's sad and no pun intended but I am seeing a whole lot of these fwb scenarios and women catching feelings. Im one of those scenarios as well and I walked. However it took my dumb a** 5 years before I wised up and walked. So, kudos to you if you recognize the red flags now and are preparing to walk because if you wait 2,3, or 4 years laters with feelings added to that it'll spell disaster and it will become a lot harder for you to walk. I hope it works out for you. Keep us updated.

[kiss_andmakeup]

IMO, asking him the second time by text was a mistake. It didn't give you an opportunity to have a deeper conversation with him about it and find out what these so-called "reservations" are.

 

But then again, IMO, continuing to see him after the first conversation was a mistake, too.

 

I'd like to give you advice, but honestly it's really hard for me to understand why women who know what they want put up with stuff like this. I could see if it's only been a few weeks, but after four months, it's not at all out of line to expect commitment.

 

I'd have dumped him after the first conversation. I advise you to talk to him (in person!!) and say, "I've really enjoyed our time together, and as you know I really like you. But unfortunately it appears that we want different things. I'm ready for a relationship and if you can't offer that, I need to end this before I get hurt. Please have the decency to respect my needs."

[chphan]

Hmm looks to me this is a FWB than anything else if I'm assuming the OP has been having sex with him.

 

He wants to be a friend. He doesn't want to be exclusive in a relationship. He treats you great as a friend. And you are having sex with him.

 

That kinds of tell me that he sees you as a FWB and technically you kind of allow it to happen by giving him sex without the exclusive relationship attach to the sex hence FWB. You obviously like him because he's been treating you as a good friend.

 

FWB never work because sooner or later someone wants to be more than friends and want something deeper.

[writergal]

I'm in agreement with everyone here who says you need to exit, stage left, if you don't want to continue with this casual relationship. The first time you asked your man-friend to be exclusive, he said no. That was your cue to end the relationship and move on, but you stayed anyway, hoping you could change his mind. Big mistake. Then you ask him a second time, and again, his answer is the same: no. Now you're making excuses, as in, giving him one more month to say "yes," to exclusivity or you'll end things.

 

First of all, you shouldn't have to ASK a man to be exclusive. It should be a mutual feeling. The fact that you had to ask him while in your weakest state and he said no, speaks volumes about his lack of interest in you as a long-term relationship. Texting to see if you're healing could have been to see when you're ready to sleep with him again. There are men who think like that unfortunately. And he sounds like he's one of them.

 

My question is, "why can't you take 'no' for an answer?" This guy has said no TWICE now; yet you continue making excuses to prolong the ending that you, he and we all know needs to happen if you want exclusivity with a man. The break-up. Ever seen that movie with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn? The only reason they stayed together was because they each wanted the other to move out of their co-signed condo. So what's holding you to this guy, who clearly is stringing you along for the free-sex-no-commitment deal he's scored from you WITH your permission might I add, since you've asked him twice to commit and he's said 'no' both times.

 

If you want to torture yourself, stay with this jerk for another month but a break-up conclusion is imminent.

 

The question is: are you going to wait for him to break up with you, or are you going to follow through on your claim that if he doesn't agree to commit, you will leave (which he gave you two chances to do already when he said 'no' but you stayed anyway).

 

It's only been 4 months. Get out now while you can. Go find a man who wants to be in a real relationship with you. Stop wasting your time with this doofus.

 

ETA: Oh, and you need to read this book/see the movie so that you don't get yourself into this mess again.

Edited August 16, 2012 by writergal

[ascendotum]

He just wants to have casual sex with you. If you feel uncomfortable with that scenario, stop sleeping with him.

Yep - wants the fwb flavour of relationship. I found this amusing though. He.....

spends the day with you when you were sick.

chased you when you were upset.

plans something with you a month in advance.

helps you around the house.

goes with you to the doctor.

helps you with your laundry.

goes with you to meet your co-workers.

 

But doesn't want to be your bf. He's not far off one.

[ascendotum]

FWB never work because sooner or later someone wants to be more than friends and want something deeper.

 

Up until then though, they do work. Lots of people seem to be in them.

[writergal]

Yep - wants the fwb flavour of relationship. I found this amusing though. He.....

spends the day with you when you were sick.

chased you when you were upset.

plans something with you a month in advance.

helps you around the house.

goes with you to the doctor.

helps you with your laundry.

goes with you to meet your co-workers.

 

But doesn't want to be your bf. He's not far off one.

 

Men who just want a casual sex relationship often have no problem playing the role of boyfriend on the surface when sex is the reward. They can pretend this for months, even years before they decide they want out. Look at Senator John Edwards. He was married with children yet had quite a few affairs (and one of his mistresses bore his child) anyway. He took marriage vows and still cheated on his wife. So if the OP's man friend has said no twice now to her request for exclusivity, he's not going to say 'yes' one month from now, because he's already getting the sex commitment free, so its no problem for him to role play as her boyfriend when he clearly doesn't want to be that to her. He has nothing to lose because he's not invested in the OP emotionally, whereas she has everything to lose because she's over-invested and is clinging to this doofus like he's the last man on earth, making excuses to prolong the inevitable break-up that's coming, probably from the guy since she hasn't followed through on her claim that she leaves a guy if he won't be exclusive.

Edited August 16, 2012 by writergal

[sally4sara]

The two things to consider in this to me would be

#1 I highly doubt that if he was just in it for the sex that his attitude would be very enjoyable over the course of 4 months. Complete insincerity would be noticeable on some level. So I don't believe he doesn't enjoy your company. He sounds very attentive. Enough so or you wouldn't want to spend time with him, let alone be chopping at the bit to be exclusive.

 

#2 He says he "has reservations about him but not you" and you're asking for exclusivity = you want exclusivity but he has doubts he can give that to you. That means he either IS seeing someone else currently or really wants to be. ASK HIM WHAT HIS RESERVATIONS ARE.

 

Then decide what, if anything of what he says is okay enough to you for you to give him more time to decide.

[ascendotum]

Men who just want a casual sex relationship often have no problem playing the role of boyfriend on the surface when sex is the reward. They can pretend this for months, even years before they decide they want out.

 

Then he for most practical purposes is a boyfriend...especially when he is sexually exclusive with the woman, as in this case. There are plenty of guys out there that will be fine with being with a woman and having the titles bf/gf, but with no intention going longterm because they dont consider the woman 'the one'. I'm am not disagreeing with what you wrote earlier or the 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free' analogy, but it is not that hard to say yes just to please the other person, just for the time being, either.

[shayla]

My own opinion,please enter at your own risk,lol

 

This isn't about what he wants,he's been pretty clear. This is about what you want. If you want an exclusive relationship and this man isn't willing to give you that, you have to decide whether or not it is important enough for you to forgo the rest of this relationship in order to get it.

 

When you ask about what he wants,do you ask him as a selective woman, or as a woman that is trying to convince him? If you want one on one, let him know without apology that this is what you want, and you don't take anything less than that, seriously. This puts you in a position of selecting him, and not convincing him. Big difference.

Edited August 16, 2012 by shayla

[evangeline6]

I "broke up" with him over text. It doesn't count bc we were nothing. He said we weren't fwb. He declined to define us any further. He said he was sorry he couldn't be my boyfriend. I said I was sorry too. I didn't ask him why. I really don't care about why. He texted me about 50 times during my shift, just inane things we used to talk about.

 

I asked him for my shirt back and he said "wow you really want to be done with me," but I knew he was just baiting me. Finally I said "there's nothing more to say, I wish you well. Goodbye" and he said "I don't like this."

 

I could've waited a month, but it was just irking me too much. He's 3 years younger than me & my friend says that's the reason it didn't work. I'm trying not to ruminate on this too much. I had a great time with him & that's it.

[evangeline6]

He's texting me now. After I spent the day crying and studying in the library. He asked if I was "ok." He said it seems like I want to be left alone. no sh*t. I told him to re-read the texts and call if he has any questions. He hasn't called so I guess he's reading. Reading is fundamental.

[writergal]

I "broke up" with him over text. It doesn't count bc we were nothing. He said we weren't fwb. He declined to define us any further. He said he was sorry he couldn't be my boyfriend. I said I was sorry too. I didn't ask him why. I really don't care about why. He texted me about 50 times during my shift, just inane things we used to talk about.

 

He's frantic now that you've taken the commitment free sex fun away. So he's trying to keep you hooked with banal chatter so he can manipulate you into sex some time later. Don't fall for this move.

 

I asked him for my shirt back and he said "wow you really want to be done with me," but I knew he was just baiting me. Finally I said "there's nothing more to say, I wish you well. Goodbye" and he said "I don't like this."

 

Oh yeah, he's baiting you. Glad you had the foresight to see what he was attempting to do. Of course he doesn't like this situation, he can't just have you at his beck and call anymore, in an undefined role in his life.

 

I could've waited a month, but it was just irking me too much. He's 3 years younger than me & my friend says that's the reason it didn't work. I'm trying not to ruminate on this too much. I had a great time with him & that's it.

 

I know you're hurt and disappointed. 4 months is enough time to become emotionally invested in someone you date. But clearly his refusal to commit to official boyfriend status (twice) was a huge red flag that you couldn't ignore. You deserve to be with a guy who you won't have to convince to commit to you when the time comes to discuss exclusivity. This guy doesn't sound very mature to me, the way he treated you. Just know you can do better and like the poster Shayla said, this isn't about what HE wants; it's about what YOU want. Put yourself first when you select men to date, not vice versa. You have a say in things too. Don't forget that.

[mesmerized]

I "broke up" with him over text. It doesn't count bc we were nothing. He said we weren't fwb. He declined to define us any further. He said he was sorry he couldn't be my boyfriend. I said I was sorry too. I didn't ask him why. I really don't care about why. He texted me about 50 times during my shift, just inane things we used to talk about.

 

I asked him for my shirt back and he said "wow you really want to be done with me," but I knew he was just baiting me. Finally I said "there's nothing more to say, I wish you well. Goodbye" and he said "I don't like this."

 

I could've waited a month, but it was just irking me too much. He's 3 years younger than me & my friend says that's the reason it didn't work. I'm trying not to ruminate on this too much. I had a great time with him & that's it.

 

I don't think he only wanted sex with you. I think he actually really liked you. Men who only want casual sex don't ask about your health often and don't help you out in all those little things. It sounds like though he has commitment issues and you didn't "wow" him enough to get over them. The best way to get him to want more is stop talking to him, believe it or not.

[writergal]

I don't think he only wanted sex with you. I think he actually really liked you. Men who only want casual sex don't ask about your health often and don't help you out in all those little things. It sounds like though he has commitment issues and you didn't "wow" him enough to get over them. The best way to get him to want more is stop talking to him, believe it or not.

 

Not true. I dated a man exactly like the OP's. About 3 weeks before he broke up with me I caught a really bad flu. He insisted on coming over to my apartment to take care of me. But what he wound up doing was calling his mother to whine to her about his ex-wife who had recently contacted him, while I lay half-alive in the bathroom, worshiping the porcelain god. After my ex was done whining to his mother, he came in to see how I was doing, noticed I was sitting up and asked me to come sit on the couch with him, where he proceeded to try and feel me up (!). I had to yell at him to stop and asked him why he couldn't wait until I was over the flu, for more hanky panky. When we went to bed, he STILL tried to get some action. When I told him no, he got mad and slept on the couch. He was 38 years old at the time. And a teacher. And previously married and then divorced. So you're completely wrong in your belief that men who don't want casual sex are concerned for their date's health. My ex fooled me into thinking that what we had was substantial, but he wasn't concerned about my needs when I had the flu, as he was with his own horny needs. And he broke up with me 3 weeks later when I confronted him about cheating on me with his female coworker whom he cheated on his wife with. Oh, and this guy told me I was the "one" and played the role of doting boyfriend who claimed he was in love with me and wanted to have children with me, which he gave up rather quickly when I found evidence of his cheating. Men can have casual sex and pretend to be concerned for their date's health when they know they're getting commitment-free sex. Plus, the OP's guy rejected her request to commit as her boyfriend twice. That's not a guy who is really invested in the OP.

 

Besides that, you forget that the OP wrote about how she asked her psuedo-boyfriend for a commitment (the first time) shortly after she returned home from the hospital. He said "no" to her request for commitment while she was recovering from a medical procedure, so I don't think that really shows he cared all that much about her health if he flat out rejects her request to officially commit while she's in a weakened state of recovery. Plus when she dumped him via text, he didn't put up much of a fight except to say he's sorry he couldn't be her boyfriend. What a lame response that was.

 

Not all men are like my ex and the OP's guy...but they do exist. Don't kid yourself. Not all men were created equal.

Edited August 18, 2012 by writergal

[kaylan]

Men who just want a casual sex relationship often have no problem playing the role of boyfriend on the surface when sex is the reward.

For many guys its not just about sex. For some guys having a FWB fills the emotional and mental role a gf would, but without all the dicey stuff that comes with a commitment. Ive gone through periods myself where I wanted a psuedo gf but not a real one because I wasnt ready for that yet.

 

It happens.

Then he for most practical purposes is a boyfriend...especially when he is sexually exclusive with the woman, as in this case. There are plenty of guys out there that will be fine with being with a woman and having the titles bf/gf, but with no intention going longterm because they dont consider the woman 'the one'. I'm am not disagreeing with what you wrote earlier or the 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free' analogy, but it is not that hard to say yes just to please the other person, just for the time being, either.

This.

 

There have been times where I have enjoy my time with a girl even though I knew we had no long term potential. Enjoy life for what it is. Sometimes two people know they wont end up together but can have fun in the mean time. OP should listen to what the guy is saying and stop hoping for a change. Hes being straight up with her.

I "broke up" with him over text. It doesn't count bc we were nothing. He said we weren't fwb. He declined to define us any further. He said he was sorry he couldn't be my boyfriend. I said I was sorry too. I didn't ask him why. I really don't care about why. He texted me about 50 times during my shift, just inane things we used to talk about.

 

I asked him for my shirt back and he said "wow you really want to be done with me," but I knew he was just baiting me. Finally I said "there's nothing more to say, I wish you well. Goodbye" and he said "I don't like this."

 

I could've waited a month, but it was just irking me too much. He's 3 years younger than me & my friend says that's the reason it didn't work. I'm trying not to ruminate on this too much. I had a great time with him & that's it.

Age had nothing to do with it. You werent the girl for him. A guy 3 years older then you could easily have felt the same way this guy did.

Not true. I dated a man exactly like the OP's. About 3 weeks before he broke up with me I caught a really bad flu. He insisted on coming over to my apartment to take care of me. But what he wound up doing was calling his mother to whine to her about his ex-wife who had recently contacted him, while I lay half-alive in the bathroom, worshiping the porcelain god. After my ex was done whining to his mother, he came in to see how I was doing, noticed I was sitting up and asked me to come sit on the couch with him, where he proceeded to try and feel me up (!). I had to yell at him to stop and asked him why he couldn't wait until I was over the flu, for more hanky panky. When we went to bed, he STILL tried to get some action. When I told him no, he got mad and slept on the couch. He was 38 years old at the time. And a teacher. And previously married and then divorced. So you're completely wrong in your belief that men who don't want casual sex are concerned for their date's health. My ex fooled me into thinking that what we had was substantial, but he wasn't concerned about my needs when I had the flu, as he was with his own horny needs. And he broke up with me 3 weeks later when I confronted him about cheating on me with his female coworker whom he cheated on his wife with. Oh, and this guy told me I was the "one" and played the role of doting boyfriend who claimed he was in love with me and wanted to have children with me, which he gave up rather quickly when I found evidence of his cheating. Men can have casual sex and pretend to be concerned for their date's health when they know they're getting commitment-free sex. Plus, the OP's guy rejected her request to commit as her boyfriend twice. That's not a guy who is really invested in the OP.

 

Besides that, you forget that the OP wrote about how she asked her psuedo-boyfriend for a commitment (the first time) shortly after she returned home from the hospital. He said "no" to her request for commitment while she was recovering from a medical procedure, so I don't think that really shows he cared all that much about her health if he flat out rejects her request to officially commit while she's in a weakened state of recovery. Plus when she dumped him via text, he didn't put up much of a fight except to say he's sorry he couldn't be her boyfriend. What a lame response that was.

 

Not all men are like my ex and the OP's guy...but they do exist. Don't kid yourself. Not all men were created equal.

 

You say not all men are created equal, yet you peg OPs guy as just like your ex. I disagree with you and agree with mesmerised. I think the dude likes her, but just doesnt see them as long term compatible. It happens...and it doesnt make this dude a sex fiend bad guy.

 

I have casually dated girls before that I saw no future with, and based on how things ended Im very sure they never saw me as a long term bf. But in the end we had fun together and I treated them well. Just because your ex was a cheating jerk who only pretended to care because he wanted sex, does not mean the OPs guy is anything like that. He seems to genuinely care for her, but doesnt see a future with her. It happens.

 

I know a lot of great girls that I could date and treat wonderfully...but most I wouldnt commit to because I only commit when Im sure the girl is someone I can really fall for and be with for a while. Thats a rare feeling, but it doesnt take away from the good times I can have with other women in the mean time. And it doesnt mean I cant be a caring and compassionate guy to them either.

 

It always amazes me though, that even when a guy is honest about what he does and doesnt want, and then the women continues on the same course anyway, the guy is pegged as not being mature because he didnt do what she wanted. In this case, doing what she wanted meant getting into a relationship. Im sorry, but the guy was very mature, always treated her well, and just wanted different things. But Im sure when OPs girlfriends hear of this story, he will come out looking like a jerk and a user =/ Whatever

Edited August 18, 2012 by kaylan

[henderson14]

Be adults and call each other or discuss your status and break up in person rather than over text.

[mesmerized]

Besides that, you forget that the OP wrote about how she asked her psuedo-boyfriend for a commitment (the first time) shortly after she returned home from the hospital. He said "no" to her request for commitment while she was recovering from a medical procedure, so I don't think that really shows he cared all that much about her health if he flat out rejects her request to officially commit while she's in a weakened state of recovery. Plus when she dumped him via text, he didn't put up much of a fight except to say he's sorry he couldn't be her boyfriend. What a lame response that was.

 

Not all men are like my ex and the OP's guy...but they do exist. Don't kid yourself. Not all men were created equal.

 

:rolleyes: So he should have committed to her just because she was recovering from a surgery, what kind of logic is that? Sounds like he doesn't make his decisions based on emotions and is sincere about what he wants an thinks. Don't project your own issues onto OP.

[writergal]

:rolleyes: So he should have committed to her just because she was recovering from a surgery, what kind of logic is that? Sounds like he doesn't make his decisions based on emotions and is sincere about what he wants an thinks. Don't project your own issues onto OP.

 

No, that's not what I meant. The fact that he was honest with her during her post-surgery recovery, about not wanting to commit, should have been her cue to break up with him (the OP wrote that when she knows a guy can't commit, she'll leave). I'm not projecting my own issues onto the OP.

 

And yes, Kaylan, the OP's guy and the guy I dated had similar motives...so I'm not contradicting myself when I say all men aren't created equal, because those two had similar motives. Even though the OP knew he didn't want to be her boyfriend, he stuck around anyway misleading the OP. Yes, he told her "no" to a commitment twice, and she should have walked away the first time he said no, but now she has.

 

Kaylan, sex is ALWAYS in the picture when it comes to men being with women. FWB is all about sex, so you contradicted yourself there, when you say that it's not all about sex for men because you admit to liking FWB situations. If a man isn't sexually attracted to a woman he won't date her. And if you stay with a woman you know you don't want to be with long term, that's dishonest because you're using the woman for your own needs, to avoid what you refer to as the "dicey stuff that comes with commitment."

[kaylan]

And yes, Kaylan, the OP's guy and the guy I dated had similar motives...so I'm not contradicting myself when I say all men aren't created equal, because those two had similar motives. Even though the OP knew he didn't want to be her boyfriend, he stuck around anyway misleading the OP. Yes, he told her "no" to a commitment twice, and she should have walked away the first time he said no, but now she has.

Youre making grandiose assumptions here. Your ex was a cheating douche bag who only cared about you because you were someone to have sex with. OPs guy takes care of her, is kind, gentle, and even pushed for sexual exclusivity himself. I do the same thing whether or not Im dating a girl exclusively (I only sleep with 1 woman at a time. Always, as its safer). He didnt mislead her. He was honest with her whenever she asked about where things were going. You cannot mislead someone when you are flat out honest with him.

 

Hes just a compassionate and caring guy who knows how to treat a lady, but isnt ready for a full fledged commitment...at least not with OP. Please dont compare him to your loser ex...because OP has sensed nothing bad about this guy or his character. They simply want different things. I agree with mesmerized. Stop projecting your emotions from your situation into this one.

Kaylan, sex is ALWAYS in the picture when it comes to men being with women. FWB is all about sex, so you contradicted yourself there, when you say that it's not all about sex for men because you admit to liking FWB situations. If a man isn't sexually attracted to a woman he won't date her. And if you stay with a woman you know you don't want to be with long term, that's dishonest because you're using the woman for your own needs, to avoid what you refer to as the "dicey stuff that comes with commitment."

Sex is always in the picture...sure...but thats not why many guys will be caring and compassionate to a woman. Many guys are like me and OPs guy...where we do nice things for a girl we are seeing because we genuinely care for her...not everything a man does is a hidden agenda to get sex.

 

I didnt contradict myself at all. I said OPs guy wasnt like your ex, where he was only being nice and concerned about her well being to get sex. You have a crappy view of men if you think we are only concerned about a womans health and well being if sex is involved. Go back and re read my previous post.

 

No a guy wont date a woman he isnt sexually attracted to (well some do...but they cut her loose later)...but most guy arent going to do all the things OPs guy does just to get sex. Sex can be had without any of that boyfriend behavior. And thats my point. Hes doing all of that extra stuff because he actually cares about her.

 

And staying with a woman who you dont want to be with long term is not dishonest if you straight up tell her whats going on. How can honesty be dishonest? Its his fault that she made it seem like she was ok with the arrangement? People short term date all the time even if its not going to end up in marriage...hows it dishonest when intentions are out in the open?

 

Sounds to me like you are just another woman who makes the man a bad guy when he doesnt do what you want. This guy didnt nothing wrong, and has been great to her thing whole time. They just want different things. Hes honest, caring, and pretty darn good to her. He just doesnt want to commit to her. Again, its not her fault she stayed and made it seem like everything was ok.

 

So just stop.

Edited August 18, 2012 by kaylan

[ascendotum]

Not true...... So you're completely wrong in your belief that men who don't want casual sex are concerned for their date's health. My ex fooled me into thinking that what we had was substantial, but he wasn't concerned about my needs when I had the flu, as he was with his own horny needs.

.....

Not all men are like my ex and the OP's guy...but they do exist. Don't kid yourself. Not all men were created equal.

 

I agreed with mesmerized. A number of people on here take a one off bad experience in relation to a particular facet of their relationship or particular classification of type of male or female, and then extrapolate that out to the millions of others out there. Sorry for your crummy experience, but there are lots of men & women who can really care for their current lover but have commitment issues for whatever reason. In your case you had a guy that branded himself a bf but did not really show it convincingly. That's not too hard to for plenty of guys, and I don't think its any better than a guy that fusses over a girl when she is sick (without trying to pull her panties down at the same time) but does not want to become her offical bf, but act like one in the meantime. Bottom line the OP wants to get the type of relationship that will trully make her happy and feel loved..and she took that initiative.

 

The best way to get him to want more is stop talking to him, believe it or not.

It certainly got his attention here, but it seems for whatever reason (could be him or could be something about the OP), he still seemed to baulk at cementing the relationship.