confusedx10 Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 i dont want my friends to see me like this. i dont know who to talk to. i am trying to convince myself i am okay. i smile when i feel like crying and i think of all my ex's bad traits. our relationship hasnt always been steady but love got us through everything: we met fall 2010 and he liked me. i thought it was something to do and we hooked up for a while. by spring i felt it too and he knew that. i couldnt fully admit it but we both knew. he said i love you and it took me a little longer. We went to the same high school and thats how we met. Right before summer break he said he wanted to stay together, i was ify but we decided to try. At my school a kid had recently committed suicide, his best friends mom died, and his dad has cancer that could come back at any moment. he visited his friend whose mom died and everything hit him. during the year he helped me cope and didnt listen to his own emotions. we ended badly over text. He lives in illinois and i live in connecticut. That was junior year. Senior year we got back to school and there was tension between us. i dont even know how but we got back together. we took things very slowly and we were better than we had ever been. this summer we decided to stay together despite the distance. i visited him and it was the best days of my life and he agrees. it just felt so right. Now the summer is coming to an end and he is going to switzerland for a semester and then california. i am going to maine. Because of school, our families and our schedules, we would only be able to see each other maybe two times a year, we woudlnt know. We have talked about ending but neither of us really wanted that. Then he said he needed space to think. He thought about it and we dont have time for a relationship no matter how much we want it. We are going to be busy and won't see each other. it wont be a healthy relationship. i agree but its so hard to let go. he said he still loves me and i could tell in his voice he wasnt lying. so i guess we are broken up now. it was mutual but he is going to stick with it, i would give in and say i dont care if im upset a lot of the time, i love you. realistically that isnt the way to go, i know. its just hard. im struggling because we work so well together. in four years we will graduate college and then see where we are i guess i am not saying i am going to mope and stare at my phone until he calls. i wont do that. i know he loves me, he has said it so many times and even when we broke up he said it. i want to be happy again and move on. but i also want him back. i am going to date other guys and see where that brings me. if i fall for one of them, then great, but if i still love him, i hope he hasnt found anyone its so tricky. he is 19 and i am 18. i know we are young but two years is a long time for a high school relationship and we both thought it meant a lot. its hard. yeah i know there are other guys out there but i just cant accept it i dont know what to do!! my brother was in a very similar relationship with his ex. They dated junior and senior year and broke up for college. they got back together and have been on and off, he has been out of college for two years now. I know there isnt a right answer but support would be appreciated! i havent done anything all day, i just keep thinking. i am not crying because i know i wouldnt be happy in a long distance relationship for four years but i dont want to lose him. im scared. people are saying move on, no contact and everything. but i dont want to lose him. i am doing no contact for a couple of months at least. i leave for school in a couple of weeks and he leaves monday so we will be busy soon. we have talked about marriage in the future. he says he can still see us ending up together but we just have to wait and see. let fate take over. but he also says he thinks people can love more than one person. it scares me so much. i know there is no answer and i contradict myself. im freaking out right now and need someone to talk to
pteromom Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 I think that what you said yourself is the exactly correct approach: i am going to date other guys and see where that brings me. if i fall for one of them, then great, but if i still love him, i hope he hasnt found anyone Leave the door open in case he decides to walk back through it, but move forward with your own life. Don't freak out. Just take this one day at a time. I know people who did exactly what you are doing who ended up back together after college. I also know people who tried LDR through college and ended up breaking up, because it is really hard to stay together through all the partying and friendships of college. Breathe. Have faith that the path you are on is the right one for you, and it will lead you to exactly where you are supposed to be. It may be with him, and maybe not, but you'll be ok either way. Enjoy college in Maine. Make friends. Have fun. Date a little. Learn about yourself. This is a really exciting time for you, and you'll be just fine. BTW - I think the decision you guys have made is a very mature one. 2
Author confusedx10 Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 (edited) wow thank you so much. that helped a lot. we were thinking of not talking for the first couple of months while we transition into college and to let our emotions die down a little. Right now we both still love each other and itll be too hard to stay a part if we talk. We dont want to end on bad terms. Do you think a couple months should be good and then we will try to be friends? or longer/ dont be friends? and should i send him a text saying lets talk in a couple of months, thanks for everything i love you and if we are meant to be then we will get back together and if not then i hope we can be friends Edited August 15, 2012 by confusedx10
pteromom Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 Do you think a couple months should be good and then we will try to be friends? or longer/ dont be friends? and should i send him a text saying lets talk in a couple of months, thanks for everything i love you and if we are meant to be then we will get back together and if not then i hope we can be friends Why don't you guys schedule a conversation now? Put it on the calendar now for two months from now (or whatever date you decide on). The focus of the conversation shouldn't be whether to get back together though. It should be about catching up. To let each other know how college is going, what friends you've made, how you like your classes, anything funny that's happened, etc. Don't talk about your relationship on the call at all. Both of you should know this ahead of time. This will allow you to look forward to the call no matter what you are thinking about the future of the relationship. It's just about catching up. Then after you hang up, you can both take a few days to think about how the conversation made you feel. And you can take it from there. Do you realize you both want only each other and want to commit to a LDR? Did you enjoy talking to each other, and want to schedule another call in a month? Did you feel like you have drifted apart and just want to break it off? No need to worry about the future right now. Like I said, take one day at a time.
Author confusedx10 Posted August 15, 2012 Author Posted August 15, 2012 i really like that idea. but i dont know how to broach that.. "Hey. Have fun Switzerland, youll do great! lets talk on october 15 and hear about each others lives and until then lets keep our distance. Talk to you soon." When we broke up we said we wouldnt contact each other for a couple of months and i think it might be too early? i know hes having a hard time too but i dont know. Also if someone asked me to talk on the phone in two months, i wouldnt know what to say.. if im not busy, yes but i have no idea? Can i wait a couple of months and say hey! just wanted to catch up, lets figure out a time and talk on the phone? And because he is abroad, idk how expensive calling will be. Should we avoid Skype? I think calling or skype might let us know how the other feels more than text. Thanks so much! your advice is helping so much
pteromom Posted August 15, 2012 Posted August 15, 2012 i really like that idea. but i dont know how to broach that.. "Hey. Have fun Switzerland, youll do great! lets talk on october 15 and hear about each others lives and until then lets keep our distance. Talk to you soon." When we broke up we said we wouldnt contact each other for a couple of months and i think it might be too early? i know hes having a hard time too but i dont know. Also if someone asked me to talk on the phone in two months, i wouldnt know what to say.. if im not busy, yes but i have no idea? Can i wait a couple of months and say hey! just wanted to catch up, lets figure out a time and talk on the phone? And because he is abroad, idk how expensive calling will be. Should we avoid Skype? I think calling or skype might let us know how the other feels more than text. Thanks so much! your advice is helping so much You know the situation better than I do. If the idea of scheduling a call makes you anxious, don't do it. Just call him in a couple months. And yes, Skype is definitely the way to go. Right now, just keep breathing and as I said, trust that things will work out how they are meant to. Turn your energy toward starting this new chapter in your life, because you have a lot to be excited about.
Author confusedx10 Posted August 16, 2012 Author Posted August 16, 2012 youre advice is so helpful! i need a little more advice.... so we completely ended tuesday and havent talked since (i know its only been two days) he said if i text him he will ignore me but i want him to know how i feel. i am going to say good luck and that i will wait for him, til tonight, tomorrow, a month, year, or ten years. however long he needs. i want to be his friend through everything even though it will hurt. i want to see him happy. i love him so much that if another girl makes him happy then i am happy for him. i know this is a lot to say but i love him. i can love someone else and be happy with another guy out there but it wont be the same, i know it, i feel it. i am going to ask him to respond ok if he reads it and doesnt want to respond, just so i know he read it. after that i will contact him in two months as friends. well skype and talk about how we are doing, not how i feel or our relationship. my message will probably be somewhat desperate but i just want him to know ill wait. is this a really bad idea, i want your advice. in the end i know i will do what i want but your support has helped
pteromom Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 is this a really bad idea, i want your advice. in the end i know i will do what i want but your support has helped I think it's a bad idea. You are gonna lay it all out there, and he's not going to respond, and it's going to make you feel worse. It is HIGHLY unlikely that he will respond in any way that will make you feel better, so what is the point of just hurting yourself again and keeping that wound open? You have to let it heal. Rather than contact him, I'd get a journal (or open a Word doc) and write. Write everything you are feeling and everything you want to say to him. Keep writing, and let it all out in a place where it is just for you.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 Confused: It may help you to consider that sooooooooooooo much of what feels sooooooooo good about him, is your own behavior and instincts toward investing yourself in someone, vs. things that are specific to him. Understand/recite to yourself that it is the instinct of investing all of your care and feelings into someone which brings the greatest emotional rewards you will ever gain. Indeed this guy was someone who was willing to share that investment with you, even when it was quite inconvenient for both of you. And that's great. Clearly it takes a lot to maintain a thriving long-distance relationship, and it is certainly not for everyone. I just want you to be a lit-tle less distraught if indeed going your separate ways proves to be the next step on your path. It isn't AS much "him" the individual as it is your own effort at investing your feelings... (which brings the highest 'highs' {and the lowest 'lows' too, I might add} )
GypsyTears Posted August 19, 2012 Posted August 19, 2012 confused, Try this.... Go to Amazon and look up the book "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken - The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy" by Greg Behrendt. Someone recommended to me on another website. It has really helped me ALOT, not to mention that it is written by a comedian and brought a little humor into my life when I am desperately needing it!!! Give it a try. What do you have to lose?
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