Need to end relationship without putting expartner on the streets...

[NormaJean6561]

I have never posted to a forum in my life, but I thought if nothing else, this will help me process mentally what I need to do on my own.

 

I am not looking for help as to whether I should stay or go - I know this person is not the right one for me, nor I for him. I met this person online while I was going through what I would call "mid-life"crisis. He was someone who appealed to me because I saw in him someone who could get me out of my "workaholic" rut and start enjoying life and relaxing more. When he started doing things that annoyed me or put me out of my comfort zone, I told myself I needed to "widen out" and embrace our differences. You know, that just doesn't work. If someone is a pot head, doesn't comb his hair/take care of himself, smacks his lips...you are just not going to get used to it, no matter what other qualities he offers you.

 

So now, the problem is, I have bought a house. He has helped me to the best of his ability to do some remodeling, etc, and he moved in with me leaving his place behind 8 months ago. I have tried and tried to get used to these problem areas but it is no use. He has little money or motivation as I said, he is a pothead, so I feel like I am virtually putting him on the street. I have very little money to assist him and could give him a little bit, especially because he has helped me, but it really isn't enough to get him a new place. I am getting more and more short temptered with him and depressed and FEEL TRAPPED. I care about him but simply cannot continue this relationship.

 

So, I am desperate to see if anyone out there has any ideas....maybe a way to end the relationship gradually?? Any ideas..? Any ideas at all will do.....thanks!

Edited August 15, 2012 by NormaJean6561
typo

[Forever Learning]

No unfortunately, the guy is a loser and its his problem, not yours. Please, get the strength to get him out. I had several relationships like this, its never easy. It will get nasty before he actually leaves. Be prepared for that and stay strong.

 

 

Next time, don't let them move in unless they are the one. Good luck.

[january2011]

Speak to a lawyer first. In some locations, he may have a right to the house because of his investment or simply because he lives there.

[Forever Learning]

One guy took 8 months to leave, the other took years and Yeats, I was a big dummy.. Life is short, make him leave quickly, the sooner the better. Involve law enforcement, don't hesitate to do so. I mean that, you will probably have to. Good luck.

[2sure]

Wow, I would have thought a kinder approach..but I haven't had this experience.

 

He has been there 8 months. When he left his own place to move into your home...what was the reasoning? Was he working then?

 

Was the remodeling of your house extensive as far as his contribution...labor, skill, materials? How long since he moved in did it take to complete the remodel?

 

Since he Is not working, is he collecting unemployment?

 

Does he have any plan whatsoever? Give him 60 days in writing, signed by both of you , notarized.

[NormaJean6561]

We have been remodeling ever since we moved in, December '11, and still not done. I would say his efforts have been considerable....note I say "efforts" because he is not a carpenter or home remodeler, so the actual "results" may be a bit more limited. I didn't say he wasn't working, he does work when he has to, he isn't ambitious but he does know there are bills to pay, etc. I wouldn't call him a freeloader - It is more 70% me, 30% him. He actually has great potential and has his own little business that could be wildly successful, but he can't get out of his "pothead" lifestyle, that is, pot is first, above everything, and being stoned several hours every single day. I am not against pot neccessarily, I don't smoke because it simply doesn't interest me or do anything for me. (Ever notice the type A personalities just don't seem to use the stuff??)

 

I don't think I need to worry about him getting an attorney and fighting me; (he doesn't have the ambition or money to pursue something like that) I am satisfied he would just move out if I asked. I think what I am looking for is an EXIT STRATEGY - something that will emotionally and financially start to separate us.

 

I appreciate SO MUCH all the comments. By the way, I have given up on "the one" - I don't think that person exists. That is why I thought I should really work hard on this one even though the cracks were there MONTHS ago.

[veryhappy]

Moving in together while doing extensive remodelling work to the house sounds like a nightmare. It's enough to bring people who've been living together peacefully at each other's throats.

 

If you are done with him, ask him to move out and hire somebody else to complete the work. You'd be using him if you are waiting for him to end the job. He might choose to stay an extra time and finish himself if financially you're both happy with the arrangement, but I have a feeling he's getting emotionally attached to your house and probably thinking this is his place, so no point in letting him think that.

 

If he wasn't on the streets when he moved in, what makes you think he won't manage without you?

[denise_xo]

Consult a lawyer regarding the work he's done on the house.

 

Tell him the truth.

 

Work together (in MC if necessary) on putting together a financial and logistical action plan.

[Tiberius]

Just tell him you are not happy anymore in the relationship. Offer him some money for the work he has done. Maybe he will move out on his own if he realizes the relationship is dead.