Long distance relationship

August 15, 2012

Hi everyone, I'm new here, but in need of some advice. It's about rebuilding trust in a long-distance relationship.

I separated about 2 years ago, and before my breakup I began a relationship with a beautiful, sweet woman who I was best friends with in high school (since 6th grade) she now lives out of state and I hadn’t seen her in 28 years. We got reacquainted through a friend on email. We found we had everything in common, and connected very quickly. She too was in a relationship at the time. The feelings from the past came back so quickly, we were nothing but friends then, but apparently both had feelings we never let be known.

I will try to be detailed, but make this long story as short as possible. I had struggles once my ex moved out, my new relationship was going great, and she was doing everything she could to try to make me and my ex ok. I tried to move slowly, but she did not understand why. It did cause some struggles in the beginning as she thought my moving slowly was because I wanted my ex back. I wanted my ex to be ok, and I did what I could to salvage a friendship with her. Once my ex was talking to me again, I began to feel overwhelming guilt about the separation, I’m sure some of that was put on me by her, but my own conscience was tearing me apart. It was a 10 year relationship and I walked away without even trying to fix it. I fought these feelings as much as I could and as long as my new girlfriend and I were together, there were no issues, but living 250 miles apart, there is a lot of time we are not together. My ex and I finally were able to talk openly and be friends again, she was glad I was happy and wanted us to always be friends. My new girlfriend wanted me to focus on us, and let my ex be in the past. When I finally told my ex that I cannot be friends anymore, the guilt went to another level. She was very upset, said you couldn’t even stop seeing your friend alone long enough for us to try, yet you are willing to cut me out of your life all together for her. I have been trying to deal with the guilt and the pain I have caused her and am still causing her. So I told my partner that I want to be friends with my ex and continued our friendship. Things got rough between me and my partner as she said it would be like sitting an alcoholic in a bar and telling him not to drink. I cry when I think of how I hurt her..she didn't deserve that, but now I cry because I am hurting my new partner and she surely doesn’t deserve this. After about a year, my ex and I were really becoming good friends again (she has a new partner at this point, whom I was also becoming friends with) but it was making big waves for me and my partner. I lied to her about being at the store when actually I was having lunch and talking with my ex… I know it is wrong, but nothing was going on, so I didn’t think it mattered (I know better now). I told my new partner I missed talking with my ex and wanted to be friends, when she stated her position, which she doesn’t want my ex in my life at all, I said I need to see who I miss more, (in my head, that was “a friend” or “a lover”). Now I had put so much stress on my new relationship, and my ex said, she couldn’t see me or spend time with me because of her new partner wanting them to spend more time just being the 2 of them….. well, I kind of lost it…. Long story short: I went to her house in a very crazy mood, saying I would not give up our friendship for my partner yet you are willing to! I was very angry. I was taken to the hospital after her roommate called the police because they could not calm me down. My ex and I got past that, I apologized and she said she understood. My partner and I were moving forward trying to get past this, but one thing after another keeps happening. Then when it came to my dad’s birthday in February, who had passed just before my new partner/old friend came back into my life, I was in a very bad way and when my ex called I was crying, and without hesitation she came over to comfort me. Well, one thing led to another and we had an affair. We talked about it after the fact and confirmed she wanted to be with whom she is with and I wanted to be with my new partner as well, so we would just let it go and pretend it never happened. I had written a letter to my ex that said all kinds of things from missing her to how good the sex was. I never gave it to her, after reading it I changed my mind and decided to throw it away… I had left it in my car meaning to take it home and burn it, but left it in my car and my new girlfriend found it. To say the least, things have been very rough since. I still want my ex in my life, we were friends long before we were partners, but I want a relationship with my new partner who cannot handle that. She says it is due to the affair, and I am sure that has made things worse, but she didn’t want me to be friends with my ex even before the affair. So now after the affair, it seems to me, if I am not available, or am at the store and do not answer my phone, then it starts a huge fight of “where are you” who are you with” and when I reply, I hear “yeah right, that’s your story” The trust is gone completely. I certainly should have been more open with her in the beginning; I didn't handle things well or maturely at all. I was just very afraid, that's all. Now I have asked my new partner for a break so that I can get my head on square, and deal with these things I should have dealt with over the last 3 years, and she has repeatedly insinuated that we need to work on my struggles together as partners. In the last 3 years, I lost my 6 figure job, filed bankruptcy, my mom had open heart surgery, my dad had open heart surgery, my dad then passed away and I went through a break up. I feel I should have dealt with things before starting a relationship with my new partner, but she made me so happy that I just ignored everything else going on in my life. When reality hit and the “party” was over so to say, I have been living with depression, pain and guilt for many reasons. But I feel I need to get things from my past closed and in my past. Now she will not speak to me unless I say we are partners and can work through my issues together. I keep asking her to give me time, that I do want us back, but I need to put these things in the past first, which is what I should have done in the first place. I feel very bad for the pain I have caused my partner, I never meant to hurt her, I love her so much. But I feel like if I don’t deal with my issues from the past, we are always going to be “butting heads”. I really don’t know what to do.

August 15, 2012

Sorry, but you could please break your post up into paragraphs, so it's easier to read? I think you'll get more responses then

August 15, 2012

Sorry about that, I tried to but it will not let me. I am new here so maybe I am doing something wrong

August 15, 2012

You made a real mess. But you already know that.

Your current partner is a saint, most women would have dumped you. If you keep pushing her away, you will lose her. Think carefully about what you really want.

I would say: forget the comfort from your previous partner. The relationship with your ex proved to be unhealthy. Your current partner will comfort you and better. No more lies, or you're looking for real trouble, of which you've seen just the tip of the iceberg. Your relationship seems like almost compromised... but not entirely. You want to be trusted? You need to build trust. If you think that minding your own business will make your life easier, you might soon find out you were wrong. But if you really think you want to be alone now to get yourself back on your feet, have it your way, without looking back or thinking that your current partner will be available for you. She probably won't.

August 15, 2012

Sorry about that, I tried to but it will not let me. I am new here so maybe I am doing something wrong

Welcome to LS, LDR123...

FYI, once you post, you have a couple of hours to make changes in the original, however, once someone responds to your post you*cannot* edit the original no matter how much time may have elapsed.

Best,

TMichaels

August 15, 2012

Hi everyone, I'm new here, but in need of some advice. It's about rebuilding trust in a long-distance relationship.

I separated about 2 years ago, and before my breakup I began a relationship with a beautiful, sweet woman who I was best friends with in high school (since 6th grade) she now lives out of state and I hadn’t seen her in 28 years.

We got reacquainted through a friend on email. We found we had everything in common, and connected very quickly. She too was in a relationship at the time. The feelings from the past came back so quickly, we were nothing but friends then, but apparently both had feelings we never let be known.

I will try to be detailed, but make this long story as short as possible.

I had struggles once my ex moved out, my new relationship was going great, and she was doing everything she could to try to make me and my ex ok.

I tried to move slowly, but she did not understand why. It did cause some struggles in the beginning as she thought my moving slowly was because I wanted my ex back. I wanted my ex to be ok, and I did what I could to salvage a friendship with her.

Once my ex was talking to me again, I began to feel overwhelming guilt about the separation, I’m sure some of that was put on me by her, but my own conscience was tearing me apart. It was a 10 year relationship and I walked away without even trying to fix it.

I fought these feelings as much as I could and as long as my new girlfriend and I were together, there were no issues, but living 250 miles apart, there is a lot of time we are not together. My ex and I finally were able to talk openly and be friends again, she was glad I was happy and wanted us to always be friends.

My new girlfriend wanted me to focus on us, and let my ex be in the past.

When I finally told my ex that I cannot be friends anymore, the guilt went to another level. She was very upset, said you couldn’t even stop seeing your friend alone long enough for us to try, yet you are willing to cut me out of your life all together for her.

I have been trying to deal with the guilt and the pain I have caused her and am still causing her. So I told my partner that I want to be friends with my ex and continued our friendship.

Things got rough between me and my partner as she said it would be like sitting an alcoholic in a bar and telling him not to drink. I cry when I think of how I hurt her..she didn't deserve that, but now I cry because I am hurting my new partner and she surely doesn’t deserve this.

After about a year, my ex and I were really becoming good friends again (she has a new partner at this point, whom I was also becoming friends with) but it was making big waves for me and my partner.

I lied to her about being at the store when actually I was having lunch and talking with my ex… I know it is wrong, but nothing was going on, so I didn’t think it mattered (I know better now). I told my new partner I missed talking with my ex and wanted to be friends, when she stated her position, which she doesn’t want my ex in my life at all, I said I need to see who I miss more, (in my head, that was “a friend” or “a lover”).

Now I had put so much stress on my new relationship, and my ex said, she couldn’t see me or spend time with me because of her new partner wanting them to spend more time just being the 2 of them….. well, I kind of lost it….

Long story short: I went to her house in a very crazy mood, saying I would not give up our friendship for my partner yet you are willing to! I was very angry. I was taken to the hospital after her roommate called the police because they could not calm me down.

My ex and I got past that, I apologized and she said she understood. My partner and I were moving forward trying to get past this, but one thing after another keeps happening. Then when it came to my dad’s birthday in February, who had passed just before my new partner/old friend came back into my life, I was in a very bad way and when my ex called I was crying, and without hesitation she came over to comfort me.

Well, one thing led to another and we had an affair. We talked about it after the fact and confirmed she wanted to be with whom she is with and I wanted to be with my new partner as well, so we would just let it go and pretend it never happened.

I had written a letter to my ex that said all kinds of things from missing her to how good the sex was. I never gave it to her, after reading it I changed my mind and decided to throw it away… I had left it in my car meaning to take it home and burn it, but left it in my car and my new girlfriend found it. To say the least, things have been very rough since.

I still want my ex in my life, we were friends long before we were partners, but I want a relationship with my new partner who cannot handle that. She says it is due to the affair, and I am sure that has made things worse, but she didn’t want me to be friends with my ex even before the affair.

So now after the affair, it seems to me, if I am not available, or am at the store and do not answer my phone, then it starts a huge fight of “where are you” who are you with” and when I reply, I hear “yeah right, that’s your story” The trust is gone completely.

I certainly should have been more open with her in the beginning; I didn't handle things well or maturely at all. I was just very afraid, that's all. Now I have asked my new partner for a break so that I can get my head on square, and deal with these things I should have dealt with over the last 3 years, and she has repeatedly insinuated that we need to work on my struggles together as partners.

In the last 3 years, I lost my 6 figure job, filed bankruptcy, my mom had open heart surgery, my dad had open heart surgery, my dad then passed away and I went through a break up.

I feel I should have dealt with things before starting a relationship with my new partner, but she made me so happy that I just ignored everything else going on in my life. When reality hit and the “party” was over so to say, I have been living with depression, pain and guilt for many reasons. But I feel I need to get things from my past closed and in my past.

Now she will not speak to me unless I say we are partners and can work through my issues together. I keep asking her to give me time, that I do want us back, but I need to put these things in the past first, which is what I should have done in the first place.

I feel very bad for the pain I have caused my partner, I never meant to hurt her, I love her so much. But I feel like if I don’t deal with my issues from the past, we are always going to be “butting heads”. I really don’t know what to do.

Okay, LDR123... I broke your post up in paragraphs for you. Hopefully now others will read it and respond.

Best,

TMichaels

August 15, 2012

No worries, just makes it harder to read

You couldn't edit your post because I'd posted, I'd meant maybe just repost it again with paragraphs.

Welcome to LS, hope you get some helpful responses

Sorry about that, I tried to but it will not let me. I am new here so maybe I am doing something wrong

August 15, 2012

I'll reply tomorrow, bedtime for me in the UK! I had some issues with my partner and his ex for a while, so I can understand some of the feelings.

August 16, 2012

Thank you for your reply justwhoiam, and yes "what a mess".

One of the big issues I am dealing with, is the fact that my best friend, who is now my partner, was the one that told me all the things my ex was wrong. She convinced me that she was controlling me and was only looking out for her.

I was very happy for the 10 years my ex and I were together, never even had 1 argument.... but when things got a little crazy in my life, loosing my job, filling bankruptcy, moms health, dads health, then the lose of my dad my partner at the time was trying everything she could to help me through things, but I shut down and stopped talking at all.

My friend and I got back in touch and my partner thought it would be good to do things with her. She was very supportive and allowed me to golf and go to football games, the summer was great, my friend came up and stayed at a campground close to where we lived and we had nothing but fun. I never even thought about the things that were bothering me and had me so depressed.

My partner started seeing my best friend and I get closer and asked me to spend more time with her too and not be spending so much time "alone" with my friend.

Of course my friend then started saying how controlling my partner was, she is in charge, but I was ok with that But the more she told me things, the more I started to think it was a bad thing.

My partner and I started having issues, she said if I couldn't just stop being "alone" with my friend, then she thought we needed to separate cause it seemed as though my friend was more important to me than our relationship. She moved out about 8 months after my friend came back around.

Then it started feeling like all the things my new partner said my ex was doing wrong, she's now doing the same things, but she says it's justified, and this all happened BEFORE the affair took place.

Edited August 16, 2012 by LDR123
left part out

August 16, 2012

It sounds as if you now regret being with your new partner. But you can't go back. Your ex has another man now. She consoled herself pretty fast, by the way. So it's hard to say if the relationship was weary and slack or what. You can try & win her back, but is it worth it? Your affair might come up during arguments and so on... You were with your ex and cheated on her. You were with your new partner and you cheated on her. Both might have issues with you having had an affair, even if they decide to forgive you, that doesn't mean the fact will be removed completely from their minds.

You can dump your current partner and be alone, looking for a new partner. But the future is unknown. You might find someone good for you or not.

You can go on with your current partner & abide by her rules.

You can try to win your ex back, but you'll have to be alone, and you might fail in doing so (most probable).

You can just be alone and deal with that.

August 16, 2012

My ex has told me that if I want to try, she is willing, that she loves the person she is with, but after almost 2 years, she can not seem to get over me, she has just learned how to deal with not having me and was willing to except that I was with someone new.

She knows everything I was going through and says she believes that I would never have done that if it had not been for all the other issues in my life, like I said we had no issues for 10 years until the end. She has known me for over 15 years and knows I am not that kind of person.

My new partner was my best friend in school and I was sooooo pleased to have her back in my life and could not seem to stop the feelings I was having and did not stop from reacting to them. She says if I do not want a relationship with her, she will never talk to me again, she no longer can just be my friend.

My ex has maintained wanting our friendship and been there for me even trying to help me with the issues with my new partner.

I Love them both, but in different ways.

August 16, 2012

What different ways? Are you in love with them both?

August 16, 2012

I thought I knew what being in love was when I met my ex. I never thought about anyone but her until my friend came back into my life. So I don't know if I even know anymore.

I am physically attracted to my ex there is no doubt about that, but we don't have a lot in common as far as what we like to do.

My current partner I have so much in common with you would think we were the same person, but the physical attraction is no where close to it is with my ex.

I can't imagine not having either one of them in my life. I am sooooo confused

My doctor has me on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds and says I need to get my stress under control

August 17, 2012

I am physically attracted to my ex there is no doubt about that, but we don't have a lot in common as far as what we like to do.

My current partner I have so much in common with you would think we were the same person, but the physical attraction is no where close to it is with my ex.

Why didn't you say this since the beginning? Now it's clearer.

You should have them both in one person: sexual attraction and strong connection & sharing. But one thing for sure: if sexual attraction is not there, there's no way you can keep a relationship working. I mean, when you're 70 or 80, you had it all... you can have it that way and probably be fine. But now at your age? It makes no sense. Tell your friend/new partner that she's a perfect friend, but you don't feel that level of chemistry that you thought you might feel... and that you would like to have her as a friend. It's bad not because what you feel is wrong, but just for the fact that you shouldn't have had sex with her, she was in love with you. Try to explain that you were so confused with all that stuff going on in your life... but you still love the woman you've been sharing your life with.

Good luck.

August 17, 2012

Thank you for your advice, and I think I have known in my heart that is what I have needed to do.

Well, I tried to talk to my "new partner" regarding how I feel, and explained things as best as I could, all the while trying to be as kind as I could, and now she says we either are partners, or I never want to see you again, and to have a nice life. Any thoughts on that??

In the beginning I think I was so stressed and confused, that I fell into the having a great time, laughing and forgetting about the world and struggles around me.... I did think I was falling in love with her or I never would have crossed that line.

After the "vacation" was over and reality set in, over time, I started realizing I Love her very very much, but the chemistry wasn't like it was.

So I started thinking about things, maybe too much.... I have a great time when we are together, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, so I thought maybe I don't need the "chemistry" ..... but then I run into my ex, and I can't stop the feelings of wanting her.

August 17, 2012

I'm confused about partner, friend, ex and who is who

I think you should take a break from both of them, you've been messing about with their emotions, not intentionally I know, but even so I think for everyone's sake you should take a break if you don't know who you want.

I said the same thing to my brother who cheated after 30 years of marriage, time out from the whole situation can help clarify things.

Your current partner sensed you had feelings for your ex before you cheated, I doubt she will trust you again unless you stop contact with your ex.

Can you say to her hand on heart you will never sleep with your ex again? If you want to sleep with your ex again, then you should really break things off with your partner, it's not fair on her.

Which one are you in love with? Who could you imagine growing old with? Who would you most drop everything for to be at their side in a crisis?

Unfortunately we can't always have what we want in this life, sometimes we need to appreciate what we have.

My partner was very close to his ex when we got together, she'd sleep over every weekend and they crossed the boundaries of what's ok and what isn't, I knew he wouldn't cheat but they were emotionally very close and I found that really hard, I had to ask him to ask her to stop sleeping in the same bed and to cut staying over down to once a month, which he did, she moved away in the end, 2 years later they still have online and phone contact, but not so intense.

Partner's need to feel more important than ex's.

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