Need some ..

[taonow]

Hi. Alright so I've been dating this girl now for a little over year. It really started off as a great relationship and we really felt happy, equal, and in love. It stayed like this for a long time until a few months ago. She started to want to go out with her friends more which I can understand because I was sort of feeling the same way. She ended up going to a dance club with her girl friends and said she had a great time and only danced with her girl friends. I really didn't like her going to such a place but I didn't want to control her so I happily let her go. As time went on, she wanted more and more freedom and so I let it be. We were still very happy around eachother and weren't fighting or anything. Then somethin happened..

 

One day she had some of her friends over and they were out back of her house drinking. She was getting tipsy and text me saying she would like us all to hang out. So me and my buddy went and got some firewood and started a nice little fire in my backyard and picked up some beer. Her and her friends showed up and we all sat around drinking but she was being very distant from me. It wasn't hard to tell she didn't want to be with me and she wanted to be free with her friends. I tried to play it cool and just enjoy the night. Finally we ended up at another friend of mines house. She was still acting distant and actually just hanging around my friend and avoiding me. I went down stairs at one point and saw them come out of his bedroom when the door was intially shut. I didn't try to think much of it because 1. I trust her and 2. I trust my friend. I shouldn't have because apparently they were making out. At this point I didn't know of anything and just seemed kind of concerened. Inside though, I was going crazy. Then I saw her phone and a text message she sent to another guy that she used to date. I called her out on it and told her I just wanted us to leave. She didn't want to and insisted I go home and she would wait for her friends to leave so they can sleep over her house. She insisted she loved me and that she didn't even send the text, that it was her friend and kissed me good night...

 

The next day, laying in her bed she breaks down and tells me something happened last night. That after I left, she made out with my friend. I was furious and got up and left without even hearing the rest of the story. She ensured me it was all that happened and lied about when I saw them come out of his room saying they were only looking at something. But I kept pressing on because I knew she was lying. More and more details came out. Eventually, after a couple days, I got it out of her. Apperently she started crying because she knew I was upset with her after I left and my "friend" came over to comfort her. One thing led to another and they ended up having sex in his bed. It makes me sick thinking about it. I really wanted to leave her forever. She cried and cried and wrote me a letter saying how stupid she was and that's not who she really is and that she just wanted to start over. I eventually caved and told her maybe over time it can heal. The images of that night are still haunting me though.

 

I try to ignore them and be happy with her but now I feel like I've made a mistake taking her back. It's been about 2 months since the incident and it still haunts me. I dream about the guy that used to be my friend. I dream about her acting like she did that night. I fear getting hurt again. I've lost all my self-esteem. My ego was destroyed. I'm embarresed around people that know what happened because I feel like such a pussy for taking her back. And I'm sure she even looks at me as an insecure person. But I can't help it now. I feel destroyed inside no matter how hard I try to play it off and even when some days things are great the next day I'll feel like **** again. I lost a friend and my relationship feels like it's on pins and needles for me and yet she seems to not be worried at all. To her, things are fine and improving everyday. But for me, I feel lost and confused and worried that this girl is actually very deceiving (especially thinking about that kiss good night that night). I give her a lot. I spend a lot of time and energy on her and I always have. I'm just lost right now.

 

If you've read all this, thanks. Any advice or comments will be nice. I just need some opinions.

Edited August 15, 2012 by taonow

[MCMLXXXIX]

You are a pussy for taking her back. She's not your wife. You don't own a house. You don't share debts. You don't have children. This is inexcusable. Find yourself a more suitable someone or go **** around a little. Your story got me pissed.

[midkirby]

I am sorry that you are hurting. Honestly, you are in a tough spot. Thinking with your brain, I am sure it tells you to get far away from her, whereas your heart is telling you to stay. I do think you should walk. At least for a while. What is preventing her from doing it again? She didn't lose anything.

 

I'm a strong believer in once a cheater, always a cheater.... With a few exceptions.

 

I have told my boyfriend that if he cheats once, we are done. No second chances. He doesnt put himself in positions of temptation either.

 

Good luck.

[ThingsAreComplicated]

okay wow. I won't give an advice, just 2 things as a comment from me:

 

1)evaluate why it did get that far. You said you spent a lot of time and energy on her, still she obviously was not satisfied (with your relationship and/or sex life). This might help for your next relationship.

 

2)I would NEVER take her back in such a situation. Even if she was the love of my life, it would kill the feelings instantly and I would feel betrayed. No turning back.

 

But as I said, please don't take this as advice, just some input. Good luck dude

[Quiet Storm]

I think you should let her go.

 

She can promise and swear that it will never happen again, but that doesn't change what she did.

 

You have valid reasons not to trust her. She didn't just cheat, she did it with one of your "friends". She didn't even care that you would look like a idiot to everyone there. What she did makes it absolutely clear that she does not respect you, herself or the relationship.

 

She is supposed to be a positive part of your life. You are supposed to be proud of her. She is supposed to build you up, not tear you down. You are ashamed that you stayed with her. Prolonging this will only make you feel worse about yourself.

 

The feelings that you are having are not only related to the fact that she betrayed you. You are conflicted because you took her back, when you know you deserve better. You are selling yourself out by staying with her, a kind of self-betrayal in a way.

 

She ruined what you had with her. It's better to just accept it and move on, than it is to torture yourself.

 

She will cry, so be prepared for the tears, but don't let her emotions sway you. When a person cheats, the natural consequence of that action could be losing the person that you love. You are not obligated to stay with a cheater just because she is sorry, promises to change and swears she loves you.

 

She has shown you who she is, now its up to you to believe her.

[taonow]

Thanks for the responses people. And for sure I agree I am a pussy for taking her back. I know if another guy came and told me that this happened to him I would tell them to quit her in a second. God I just give in too easily when it comes down to it. I mean she's coming out to be near me in college by going to a school right near mine. I feel ****ty breaking it off when she did that for me but my god I know i'm going to be worrying in college with all the dudes hittin on her at parties. And i honestly believe she will do it again. I just don't know how I'd break it off now right at this moment of transition back to college. I want to be happy and confident again. I'm sick of feeling like an insecure piece of **** whose owned by a cheater now.

[ThaWholigan]

I think you should let her go.

 

She can promise and swear that it will never happen again, but that doesn't change what she did.

 

You have valid reasons not to trust her. She didn't just cheat, she did it with one of your "friends". She didn't even care that you would look like a idiot to everyone there. What she did makes it absolutely clear that she does not respect you, herself or the relationship.

 

She is supposed to be a positive part of your life. You are supposed to be proud of her. She is supposed to build you up, not tear you down. You are ashamed that you stayed with her. Prolonging this will only make you feel worse about yourself.

 

The feelings that you are having are not only related to the fact that she betrayed you. You are conflicted because you took her back, when you know you deserve better. You are selling yourself out by staying with her, a kind of self-betrayal in a way.

 

She ruined what you had with her. It's better to just accept it and move on, than it is to torture yourself.

 

She will cry, so be prepared for the tears, but don't let her emotions sway you. When a person cheats, the natural consequence of that action could be losing the person that you love. You are not obligated to stay with a cheater just because she is sorry, promises to change and swears she loves you.

 

She has shown you who she is, now its up to you to believe her.

Agree with this wholeheartedly, and believe me, if you leave her now, she may actually learn something. There's no way you can continue in this relationship.

[MCMLXXXIX]

Go ahead and dump her right then and there. It won't hurt her as much as she hurt you. You'll be happy to cleanse yourself of those ugly feelings. But like Quiet Storm said, she'll probably beg you to stay now and in the future also... Be hard.

[Quiet Storm]

Just tell her something like, "Look, I tried to get past this and I can't. I loved what we had together, but we can never get that back after this. Staying with you makes me feel bad about myself, and I will not live like this anymore." Be very assertive in your delivery. If she thinks this is debatable she will drag you into the same old apologies and promises. If she does that or starts to cry just say, "I know you're sorry, but that doesn't make me feel better. I deserve someone that would never do this in the first place. We have different values, and we are not compatible".

 

Don't feel bad about the college thing, that's also a natural consequence of her actions. She should've thought about that.

 

And don't apologize for dumping her. She is the one that messed this up.

[ChatroomHero]

"And i honestly believe she will do it again... I want to be happy and confident again. I'm sick of feeling like an insecure piece of **** whose owned by a cheater now."

 

You said this on here. be man enough to say this to her, unless you enjoy the misery you are obviously going through. She chose to cheat on you, with your friend no less, so her issue with moving near you for whatever reason is now her issue.

 

One thing I learned is when you accept something like that and take her back, you will be a ticking time bomb. You will not eventually work out. By no breaking it off, all the things you fear about breaking up will still be there, just hanging over your head for months and months until the inevitable happens.

 

If you break it off now, the only difference will be you save yourself months of grief leading to the same end.

[Later82012]

........ I lost a friend and my relationship feels like it's on pins and needles for me and yet she seems to not be worried at all. To her, things are fine and improving everyday. But for me, I feel lost and confused and worried that this girl is actually very deceiving (especially thinking about that kiss good night that night). I give her a lot. I spend a lot of time and energy on her and I always have. I'm just lost right now.

 

If you've read all this, thanks. Any advice or comments will be nice. I just need some opinions.

 

That guy was never your friend. She cheated on you and she should be the one that should be ashamed of herself, not you. Get rid of her and find someone else.