Are Optimists annoying?!

August 15, 2012

Okay, so my current gf informs me that she had been peeved for the past 5-days with me. Of course, I had NO idea why. It turns out that she was annoyed with my constant positive responses and attitude to some issues that she is currently going through.

I was trying to be supportive and help her see the positive in the negative(s). She says that she didn't want to hear the positive, that she just wanted me to listen and try to empathize.

I am a natural optimist, always trying to see the best in any situation (if it exists). I am also a realist, so don't have my head in the sand when it comes to the reality of any situation. I often hear that people want positive people around them or that they consider themselves people of the "glass is half full" type. But, can too much optimism be too much for some? I know the answer is yes, but how does an optimist deal with people, ladies in my case, who are not so optimistic. BTW, i was in another relationship where my consistent positive outlook on things was looked at with suspicion. She (perhaps my current gf too) couldn't believe that someone could always (exaggeration) be so up-beat.

I consider myself to be an Optimistic-Realist. I certainly didn't this far in life with a great job, great kids, great friends and family and have always been around other positive, good people, a wonderful 12-yr marriage to a wonderful woman, now deceased, being a la-la land.

Anyone else deal with this? Advice?

Thanks.

August 15, 2012

Okay, so my current gf informs me that she had been peeved for the past 5-days with me. Of course, I had NO idea why. It turns out that she was annoyed with my constant positive responses and attitude to some issues that she is currently going through.

I was trying to be supportive and help her see the positive in the negative(s). She says that she didn't want to hear the positive, that she just wanted me to listen and try to empathize.

I am a natural optimist, always trying to see the best in any situation (if it exists). I am also a realist, so don't have my head in the sand when it comes to the reality of any situation. I often hear that people want positive people around them or that they consider themselves people of the "glass is half full" type. But, can too much optimism be too much for some? I know the answer is yes, but how does an optimist deal with people, ladies in my case, who are not so optimistic. BTW, i was in another relationship where my consistent positive outlook on things was looked at with suspicion. She (perhaps my current gf too) couldn't believe that someone could always (exaggeration) be so up-beat.

I consider myself to be an Optimistic-Realist. I certainly didn't this far in life with a great job, great kids, great friends and family and have always been around other positive, good people, a wonderful 12-yr marriage to a wonderful woman, now deceased, being a la-la land.

Anyone else deal with this? Advice?

Thanks.

I am like this a lot, and it does annoy people unfortunately. I don't even mean to. Ironically, when I finally snap and get angry, I think people secretly enjoy it .

Anyway, in that position if you know the person is just venting, the best thing it not to take it too seriously, and literally just say nothing. Just go "I know, I know, I'm here for you etc etc", and all that. Don't try to solve the problem because they don't want that, they are just upset and want the comfort. Give them hugs, and be there, but just let them figure it out themselves. I've been there and I always try to give my insight and solve the problem, to my own chagrin when it is thrown back at me. It's usually only appreciated afterwards.

Don't take it serious, you are an optimist, that's just that. Learn how to moderate your responses and you don't have to sacrifice it. Occasionally though, you will get fed up and be angry, and then you will be the one venting your fury at the world .

August 15, 2012

Not at all. In fact, there aren't enough optimists nowadays in my opinion.

I've been on the receiving end of the "you need to "empathize instead of giving it a positive spin" a few times, but more times than not, they'd later say something along the lines of "You know, you were totally right about the situation and I apologize" once they were able to calm down and think more clearly. I do agree that it's not always the right thing to do, and sometimes it's better to just be a listener. However, if it's something you're feeling, then you just have to speak your mind on it. Nothing wrong with being an optimist.

August 15, 2012

I was trying to be supportive and help her see the positive in the negative(s). She says that she didn't want to hear the positive, that she just wanted me to listen and try to empathize.

That sounds like she felt you were dismissive of the problems she was going through.

My last ex was a bit like this and it annoyed me. We were talking about parent-child relationships and I mentioned that I kept contact to a minimum with my mother to keep my boundaries in place because she was toxic. He just went 'ah I'm sure she isn't toxic, I'm sure it's not the case', etc. That just dismisses how I feel about something that has a big affect on my life, especially if the person that makes that judgement has never even met my mother.

In another situation I was fighting my neighbours because they left dog feaces and buidling debris everywhere and he made out like I was being negative and fighting for the sake of fighting. I explained that if I didn't sort out the problem (I managed to sort it out by the way!), no-one else was going to

So in a nutshell, it can feel like you are not only fighting your own battles but you have to convince your partner that those are valid battles and should not be dismissed. I don't always want to explain what or how I feel, sometimes I would just like the situation to be accepted. My sister does this too that my ex used to and she is conflict avoidant. Come to think of it, my ex was conflict avoidant too.

Are you a conflict avoiding person OP?

August 15, 2012

That sounds like she felt you were dismissive of the problems she was going through.

Are you a conflict avoiding person OP?

Thanks all. Emilia, no not conflict avoiding. In fact had a conversation with my gf and insisted that she explain some things to me about some feelings that I had no idea she was harboring. I, of course, don't seek conflict, but do not fear it.

Yes, you are right about the dismissive part. She said that as well. I had no idea that I was doing that. Thanks.

August 15, 2012

Soccerprp, I like your positive attitude. But, it sounds like your gf just wanted you to listen to her and she felt a little dismissed by you trying to put a positive spin on everything. Next time, just listen to her. Usually women feel much better after they are allowed to express their feelings and not made to feel wrong for them. While your intentions were good, you were kind of making her feel wrong about her own feelings and that is a really annoying thing to experience. I speak from experience!

August 15, 2012

Soccerprp, I like your positive attitude. But, it sounds like your gf just wanted you to listen to her and she felt a little dismissed by you trying to put a positive spin on everything. Next time, just listen to her. Usually women feel much better after they are allowed to express their feelings and not made to feel wrong for them. While your intentions were good, you were kind of making her feel wrong about her own feelings and that is a really annoying thing to experience. I speak from experience!

Thank you, DY. I definitely need to watch myself on this.

August 15, 2012

Being positive is not the issue here.

Men want to fix things. So they offer solutions.

Woman are emotive and want to be understood.

When I am having a moan about work or something to someone and all they do is tell me how I should try and not be annoyed by it, i want to punch them in the face. Let me be annoyed for a bit! let me vent!

Maybe just try and listen without offering solutions right away. You don't need to solve her problems. Just understand what she is experiencing and don't judge her behaviour. She will listen to solutions, but only when she feels heard, understood and that you can sympathise with the situation.

August 15, 2012

Men want to fix things. So they offer solutions.
Woman are emotive and want to be understood.

Cliche

While this is the issue in this particular situation, both genders do the 'fixing' and the 'venting'

August 15, 2012

...both genders do the 'fixing' and the 'venting'

And goodness knows that i have met some ladies that have tried to be the fixer and ended up in LT relationships only to be hurt big time. My previous gf was that and made our relationship difficult as she had a very difficult time getting past her earlier relationship.

Anyway, I digress...thanks all. Man, I need to work on this. I am so used to finding solutions to issues that I forget, unaware that such action is not always wanted in romantic relationships.

August 15, 2012

Anyway, I digress...thanks all. Man, I need to work on this. I am so used to finding solutions to issues that I forget, unaware that such action is not always wanted in romantic relationships.

I think you could ask her to be explicit when she wants a solution. After a while when you know her much better you will probably know when she is just venting.

When I talk to people I have known for a long time and they are venting, I just hold the phone or just sit there and listen. I wait until they finish completely, sit in silence and I make a couple of points that I think will help them. I wait until they finish venting though. I think they feel listened to

August 15, 2012

I'm an optimist. I don't think I'm annoying...

I'm the opposite. I find pessimists to be EXTREMELY obnoxious. I really don't feel there's any reason to constantly be whining, complaining, having a stink face. Just make the best of whatever the hell it is you're doing. A person has much more fun if they just enjoy the situation regardless. Being in a bad mood brings yourself down and just brings other's down around you.

Even after I was dumped I was still an optimist and excited for all the endless future possibilities of finding someone even BETTER! for myself.

Pessimists bring me down to no end, I can't stand it. Negative Nancy's annoy me, and I find myself rolling my eyes and just not associating with such people. I also find that pessimists like to wallow and drag everyone else into their sh*t and make everyone miserable. It's like they want some sort of justification for behaving that way.

There was some girl I used to know who had no positive bone in her body. She was the most superficial, shallow, negative, pessimistic, bi*chiest human being on the planet. She wasn't "happy" unless she was talking crap about people, making others feel like garbage, being snotty and taking her tantrums out on other people. How can ANYONE! think THIS isn't annoying?!?!?!?!

BUT--- coming from a girl's perspective... when we go to you guys with our problems... we don't want solutions. I know that's how you guys work. You hear a problem and you want to solve it. Girls however, we handle it differently. We just want you to listen, and be like, "yes hun you are right. the other person is wrong. how dare they do that to you!"

This way she feels you're on her side and standing by her.

August 15, 2012

KatZee,

Thanks. I really try to avoid negative types as well. Dated one once and it was a chore trying to keep positive, that is, be myself around her.

Anyway, making it sound like that your sig-other is always right, doesn't that come dangerously close to patronizing the situation? Just asking...

August 15, 2012

KatZee,

Thanks. I really try to avoid negative types as well. Dated one once and it was a chore trying to keep positive, that is, be myself around her.

Anyway, making it sound like that your sig-other is always right, doesn't that come dangerously close to patronizing the situation? Just asking...

Well obviously just judge the situation she's talking about. If she was clearly in the wrong but is upset, try not to solve the problem, instead just try to feel for her and her bad feelings, and understand where she's at. Don't try to be like, "Oh well you should have done X, Y, or Z." Say something like, "I understand you're upset, and I'm here for you, let me know if there's anything I can do."

If she was the one wronged, readjust the conversation. Say something like, "It was completely wrong for that person to do what they did, you did nothing wrong, and I see exactly why you're upset."

August 15, 2012

Yes, of course. Thank you again.

August 15, 2012

Women want empathy when they're explaining their problems, but most men want to 'problem solve' and 'help' them see a better side of things instead. See the Mars/Venus book for more info.

Anyway, this is why the correct response when a woman is explaining her problems to you is just to say 'Yes', 'I see', 'Oh wow', 'That's terrible', 'That's really unfortunate' and other meaningless platitudes. This makes you a 'great listener' even if you don't actually listen to a word she says. In fact, it's best not to, in case you accidentally derive from the above script (like the OP has) and say something which upsets your ladyfriend.

August 15, 2012

Women want empathy when they're explaining their problems, but most men want to 'problem solve' and 'help' them see a better side of things instead. See the Mars/Venus book for more info.

Anyway, this is why the correct response when a woman is explaining her problems to you is just to say 'Yes', 'I see', 'Oh wow', 'That's terrible', 'That's really unfortunate' and other meaningless platitudes. This makes you a 'great listener' even if you don't actually listen to a word she says. In fact, it's best not to, in case you accidentally derive from the above script (like the OP has) and say something which upsets your ladyfriend.

Come on Andy, you don't usually post nonsense like this. Anyone feels annoyed when they are talking about something serious and the other person isn't validating it.

Hope you don't believe in that Mars/Venus c**p

August 15, 2012

I have noticed that in men and women that sometimes when they are going through or about to go through some rough times or things that they think will be difficult.......and you tell them something along the lines of, "Don't worry about it. It won't be that bad." It won't be seen as you being an optimist or even trying to make them feel better. It'll be seen as you not acknowledging or even belittling their difficulties.

August 15, 2012

Hope you don't believe in that Mars/Venus c**p

All generalisations break down eventually (including this one!), but there's normally an element of truth there.

As for the 'men want to fix' and 'women want empathy' thing, I've seen that played out dozens of times. It's a pretty good generalisation.

August 15, 2012

Okay, so my current gf informs me that she had been peeved for the past 5-days with me. Of course, I had NO idea why. It turns out that she was annoyed with my constant positive responses and attitude to some issues that she is currently going through.

I was trying to be supportive and help her see the positive in the negative(s). She says that she didn't want to hear the positive, that she just wanted me to listen and try to empathize.

I am a natural optimist, always trying to see the best in any situation (if it exists). I am also a realist, so don't have my head in the sand when it comes to the reality of any situation. I often hear that people want positive people around them or that they consider themselves people of the "glass is half full" type. But, can too much optimism be too much for some? I know the answer is yes, but how does an optimist deal with people, ladies in my case, who are not so optimistic. BTW, i was in another relationship where my consistent positive outlook on things was looked at with suspicion. She (perhaps my current gf too) couldn't believe that someone could always (exaggeration) be so up-beat.

I consider myself to be an Optimistic-Realist. I certainly didn't this far in life with a great job, great kids, great friends and family and have always been around other positive, good people, a wonderful 12-yr marriage to a wonderful woman, now deceased, being a la-la land.

Anyone else deal with this? Advice?

Thanks.

Well, I think this is a lot of times just a man-woman issue. Women are largely emotional beings, whereas men are more logical. For us, when a woman presents a problem we immediately want to solve it using our framework (if a man is an optimist he will try to use words to problem solve). That can greatly annoy a woman. That doesn't mean women love drama, per say, it's just that they process their experiences through different filters. Often its just better to try to empathize and keep the solutions to yourself. Listen to what she says here about how she wants you to respond to her issues in life.

Edited August 15, 2012 by TheFinalWord

August 15, 2012

Well, I think this is a lot of times just a man-woman issue. Women are largely emotional beings, whereas men are more logical. For us, when a woman presents a problem we immediately want to solve it using our framework (if a man is an optimist he will try to use words to problem solve). That can greatly annoy a woman. That doesn't mean women love drama, per say, it's just that they process their experiences through different filters. Often its just better to try to empathize and keep the solutions to yourself. Listen to what she says here about how she wants you to respond to her issues in life.

This is alot like what I have read in the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". The different needs of venting versus solving between the genders is really important to understand. Good observation.

Sign In

Are Optimists annoying?!

Recommended Posts

soccerrprp

ThaWholigan

Cracker Jack

Emilia

soccerrprp

Disenchantedly Yours

soccerrprp

Million.to.1

Emilia

soccerrprp

Emilia

KatZee

soccerrprp

KatZee

soccerrprp

Andy_K

Emilia

Imported

Andy_K

TheFinalWord

Forever Learning

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...